Trying to Crawl Out of the Pit

Friday, November 15, 2013

I don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page.  I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on.  There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.

Basically, life has crumbled around me.  Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness.  It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start.  I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to.  Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know.  Mean and not very mature.  Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida.  My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job.  Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family.  The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet.  Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay.  Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)

But change is on the horizon.  I'm not going to go into details about that just yet.  Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere.  Cryptic, I know!  ^_^  But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!

In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes.  Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me.  Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad  :-(   But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me!  I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done.  He's an extraordinary teacher!

I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"

I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now:  This woman is already my hero!  Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy!  We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from!  I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process.  I entirely admire her fortitude!

It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation.  And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort.  I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own.  I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it.  A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it.   I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.

And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday.  So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires.  And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole.  Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence.  And I don't really have any excuse.  I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up.  It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.

This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on.  I am lazy.  I get bogged down far too easily.  Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily.  And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began.  Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed.   I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care.  And the same happened with my spirituality.  I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher.   However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken.   And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back.   Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.

I do want that to stop.  I really do.  And I know it's up to me.  It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey.  It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again.  It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire.  And I do desire these goals, I really do!

I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published!  I do desire so much to be a Priestess!  I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it!  Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!

These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier.  In fact, it's going to make it more difficult.  I won't have a teacher anymore.  I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own.  Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.

Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to.  I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there.  I do.  I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do.  It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!

However, talk is cheap.  Especially coming from me on these things.  I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to.  But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it.  And I do want to be a do-er.

*deep breath*

Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?!  :-)