tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-446669832020961072024-03-13T20:20:26.412-06:00The Oddly Normal Life of a Pagan MomA Pagan Mom who struggles to juggle kids, college, job, and spirituality......and I'm not very good at juggling.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-44931684115654087232014-08-07T17:34:00.000-06:002014-08-07T17:34:17.045-06:00I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This YearI'm sorry for my long absence this year. I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging. Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish. I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.<br />
<br />
My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself. But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous. Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.<br />
<br />
I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like. April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system. I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok. I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.<br />
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When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else? However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am. The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him. Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself. There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return. It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.<br />
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At least I can take responsibility for myself. It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore. And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him. No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance. And the funny thing? She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc. He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me. Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it. To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy. It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.<br />
<br />
I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs. When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine. When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc. And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again. But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are? It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.<br />
<br />
When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life. And I flat-out told him I was done. It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore. Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died. What can I say? Double standards have that effect on me. Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.<br />
<br />
So, that's that.<br />
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I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life. My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to. I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids. I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man). If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes. If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes. It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve. We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.<br />
<br />
So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point. My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here. My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through. She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless. My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok. The Goddess has brought us through. Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better. I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that. :-) These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything. Is life perfect right now? No, not even close. But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her. Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!<br />
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The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me. The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-87404030404494642942014-01-18T19:08:00.000-07:002014-01-18T19:08:07.223-07:00Pagan Blog Project Wk 3: B is for Belief<div class="vk_ans" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: xx-large !important; font-weight: lighter !important; margin: 0px;">
<span data-dobid="hdw" style="margin: 0px;">be·lief</span></div>
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<span class="lr_dct_ph" style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">biˈlēf</span>/</span><span class="lr_dct_spkr lr_dct_spkr_off" data-log-string="pronunciation-icon-click" jsaction="dob.p" style="display: inline-block; height: 16px; margin: 0px 2px 4px 5px; opacity: 0.55; vertical-align: middle; width: 16px;" title="Listen"><input height="16" src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAABAAAAAQCAYAAAAf8/9hAAAAcUlEQVQ4y2P4//8/AyUYQhAH3gNxA7IAIQPmo/H3g/QA8XkgFiBkwHyoYnRQABVfj88AmGZcTuuHyjlgMwBZM7IE3NlQGhQe65EN+I8Dw8MLGgYoFpFqADK/YUAMwOsFigORatFIlYRElaRMWmaiBAMAp0n+3U0kqkAAAAAASUVORK5CYII=" style="height: 16px; margin: 0px; width: 16px;" type="image" width="16" /></span></div>
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<i style="margin: 0px;">noun</i></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px;">noun: <b style="margin: 0px;">belief</b></span><span style="margin: 0px;">; plural noun: <b style="margin: 0px;">beliefs</b></span></div>
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<strong style="margin: 0px;">1</strong>.</div>
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an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.</div>
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"<span style="margin: 0px;">his <b style="margin: 0px;">belief in</b> the value of hard work</span>"</div>
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something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction.</div>
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"<span style="margin: 0px;">contrary to popular belief, Aramaic is a living language</span>"</div>
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<tr style="margin: 0px;"><td class="lr_dct_nyms_ttl" style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 3px 0px 0px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">synonyms:</td><td style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+opinion&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CC0Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">opinion</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+view&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CC4Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">view</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+conviction&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CC8Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">conviction</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+judgment&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDAQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">judgment</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+thinking&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDEQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">thinking</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;">way of thinking, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+idea&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDIQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">idea</a>,</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+impression&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDMQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">impression</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+theory&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDQQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">theory</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+conclusion&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDUQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">conclusion</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+notion&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDYQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">notion</a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span><span data-log-string="synonyms-more-click" jsaction="dob.m" style="margin: 0px;"><span class="lr_dct_more_btn" style="color: #1122cc; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; padding-left: 4px;">More</span><div style="display: inline; margin: 0px;">
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a religious conviction.</div>
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"<span style="margin: 0px;">Christian beliefs</span>"</div>
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<tr style="margin: 0px;"><td class="lr_dct_nyms_ttl" style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 3px 0px 0px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">synonyms:</td><td style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+ideology&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDgQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">ideology</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+principle&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDkQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">principle</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+ethic&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDoQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">ethic</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+tenet&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDsQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">tenet</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+canon&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CDwQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">canon</a></span><span style="margin: 0px;">;</span><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span><span data-log-string="synonyms-more-click" jsaction="dob.m" style="margin: 0px;"><span class="lr_dct_more_btn" style="color: #1122cc; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; padding-left: 4px;">More</span><div style="display: inline; margin: 0px;">
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<span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+doctrine&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CD4Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;"></a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+teaching&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CD8Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;"></a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+dogma&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEAQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;"></a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"></span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+creed&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEEQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;"></a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+credo&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEIQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;"></a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"></span></div>
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<strong style="margin: 0px;">2</strong>.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 20px;">
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<div data-dobid="dfn" style="display: inline; margin: 0px;">
trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something.</div>
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"<span style="margin: 0px;">a belief in democratic politics</span>"</div>
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<tr style="margin: 0px;"><td class="lr_dct_nyms_ttl" style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 3px 0px 0px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;">synonyms:</td><td style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+faith&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEMQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">faith</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+trust&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEQQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">trust</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+reliance&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEUQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">reliance</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+confidence&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEYQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">confidence</a>, </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=667&q=define+credence&sa=X&ei=zBLbUsPDCeyuyAG9oIHYCw&ved=0CEcQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; text-decoration: none;">credence</a></span><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span><span data-log-string="synonyms-more-click" jsaction="dob.m" style="margin: 0px;"><span class="lr_dct_more_btn" style="color: #1122cc; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; padding-left: 4px;">More</span><div style="display: inline; margin: 0px;">
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When I met my Year and a Day teacher, Greyhart, last year at the Paths and Traditions fair that <a href="http://www.livingearthcolorado.org/home">Living Earth</a> was hosting, he was sitting behind a table that held an assortment of altar objects. I had just gotten done speaking with Chris and Kelly, the representatives of a local Celtic Reconstructionist group and Greyhart's table was right next to theirs. I was feeling terribly awkward and shy as well as stressed out from worrying (too much) about my kids' behavior. Greyhart had put me at ease pretty quickly and when we started talking, he asked me a simple question: of all the altar objects on the table, which one was the most powerful?</div>
<br /><br />I quietly looked at the objects for a moment -- I remember the athame, but I honestly can't remember what else was there. Doesn't matter. After a moment's hesitation, I looked up and said "It's not the objects that are powerful. They're only as powerful as the person holding them."<br /><br /><br />Altar tools are nice to have. Hell, I love having altar tools. Most of the pieces on my altar are treasured knick-knacks -- a Faerie Glen faerie and a Native American faerie that one of my dearest friends gifted to me, a horse figurine that was a Christmas gift from my brother when I was still a kid, and a horse tealight candle lamp that I received as a high school graduation gift from the woman who taught me how to ride.<br />The more definitively Pagan items I have on my altar is my Goddess statue, my Moon Phases goddess tealight holder, and my athame, which I don't even keep on my altar full-time because, obviously, I have kids and I'm not comfortable leaving it out where they can get to it.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Goddess statue I have on my altar<br />Pentacle Goddess by Abby Willowroot<br />as shown on SacredSource.com</td></tr>
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<br /><br />Anywho, getting back on track toward the point: I love my altar tools, but while they're nice to have, they are not NECESSARY for doing magick. They basically provide a focus for the magick we wield.<br /><br /><br />The most important tool we have to make our magick work for whatever purpose we have is our faith and belief. Our certainty that our spell will work gives it the energetic punch to get more than a figurative few feet from our workspace, get out there into the Cosmos, and get it done.<br /><br /><br />It's nice to have the additional energies of things like herbs and candles and incense and whatever else, but if we don't have any of those magickal helpers at our disposal for getting a spell done, we are not left helpless and bereft of accomplishing our magickal goal(s). If we have no tools or other supplies to work with, we can still have a full-on spell/ritual without them, even if all that's done is simply meditating on our goal and sending out energy to have it done. But all the acts of going through ritual motions and what-not in the world doesn't mean a whole lot if you don't have the belief/faith/conviction that your spell will be successful.</div>
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Bringing your emotions into your spell can help fuel your belief. As previously mentioned in an earlier PBP post, anger can be a very powerful fuel for a justice spell or a protection spell or even an appropriately-spun curse or hex or whatever.</div>
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Strong desire for a particular result, for example you're wanting a particular job, -- wanting it SO BADLY that you can practically taste it -- can put the punch into a job spell. But the desire should be a productive desire, not a whiny, petulant desire. Does that make sense?</div>
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Your desire for said job has to be the desire of determination, not the type of desire you see from a tantrum-throwing child who wants a toy. That shit never accomplishes anything good. But to envision yourself with that job, seeing all the hard work you are going to do when you get that job, seeing the things you'll do to better your life and the lives of your children (if you have children), etc can put a hefty dose of oomph into your job spell.</div>
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Simply going through the motions of a pre-written spell isn't enough. I'm not saying pre-written spells shouldn't be used. Not at all. But I know from prior experience that even if you've got the spell and all the items you need/want for it, if you don't have the desire and the belief for the spell to come to fruition, all you're doing is putting on a play.</div>
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This past week I've done a job spell. I have a job interview coming up for a job that I DESPERATELY want, and I do mean DESPERATELY. If I get this job, not only could I build a viable career off of it instead of only being stuck in penny-anny jobs that go nowhere, but it would also pay well enough to adequately support my children! I would finally be able to build a GOOD life for us, start chipping away at my debts, build up my savings, and accomplish the financial goals I have set for myself. This job would have the potential to get me to where the kids and I want to be and actually be successful and independent, no longer having to rely on the help of government assistance! :-D That would mean no more Foodstamps, no more TANF!</div>
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I could go on and on and on about this job. But I won't. LoL</div>
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Before I got scheduled for an interview, the hiring manager told me that she wasn't sure if they still needed any more people for the job and that they had just hired one person. She told me to call her back within a couple of days and that she'd be able to tell me if they were still hiring or not. I'm not gonna lie, I was ready to freak the hell out because if this job didn't work out for me, then I'd be stuck back with fast food jobs and that is SO not what I want!</div>
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After we got off the phone, I began to focus like crazy on that job. Filling a bath with some Lavender Epsom salts to cleanse off the despondency and fear I was feeling, I relaxed, closed my eyes, and meditated on the job. "There IS still an opening for that job, I WILL have a job interview for it, and I WILL get hired!" I said over and over and over again. I finally went quiet and visualized my interview with the hiring manager and saw it going well, I repeatedly visualized myself going into the business place to start my work day, standing behind the counter to help people, taking their payments, learning the things I needed to know, busting my ass to progress, etc. Every time I felt my concentration slipping onto other things, I'd give myself a mental shake and bring myself back to the visualization of me going to work and doing the job. I didn't move from the bath until I had that mental image so firmly ingrained in my brain that there was just no doubts left in my mind that I'd get the job.</div>
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After taking my shower, I put some Cinnamon Mint scented oil into my oil warmer. Both Cinnamon and Mint are very good for attracting money, prosperity, jobs, etc. I also got a couple of cinnamon sticks from my spice rack and burned them in my cauldron. Granted, of course, they wouldn't stay lit by themselves, but I didn't mind. Focusing on them burning, repeatedly re-lighting them, just helped to sharpen my focus on my drawing that job to me.</div>
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The next day when I spoke to the hiring manager, I was EXCEEDINGLY delighted to learn that, indeed, they do still have one more opening for the job I want and I was scheduled to meet with her in a job interview this coming Wednesday. I can't even BEGIN to tell you my delight! I'm not even kidding, after we got off the phone, I jumped around in ridiculously stupid circles, squealing my head off! So far, my job spell has worked! And I am still certain that it will continue to work until I am walking into the business for my first day of work! We shall see!</div>
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But my point to all this is that lighting the cinnamon sticks and putting the oil on my oil warmer in and of itself didn't do jack shit. But my focus and belief that this spell would work combined with the energies of the cinnamon and mint has, so far, brought about the (uber) desired results.</div>
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When you want a result to come about, you HAVE to believe that it will work. You can't let yourself doubt, as difficult as that may be.</div>
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And even then, we know that there will still be times that, no matter how much a punch we put into our spells, belief and all, it still might not work out the way we want it to. That does NOT make you a failure or your spell a failure. I, personally, just take that as a sign that whatever it was was not meant to be. The gods/the universe/the fates/whatever energies/deity(ies) you pray to or whatever still have the right to tell us "no", "not yet", "I've got a different plan for you" or whatever.</div>
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But in this case, I have the fullest faith that a job that I can actually prosper at for me and my children is DEFINITELY what I'm supposed to have. I have felt pulled toward this job since it was first mentioned to me that they were hiring for it and that I didn't have to have any prior experience or certifications for it.</div>
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I know that this PBP entry wasn't uber well-written and was a bit scattered, but I hope I've managed to put the point across nevertheless.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-59368317821392767232014-01-10T14:47:00.000-07:002014-01-10T14:47:56.009-07:00Pagan Blog Project Wk 2: A is for AdaptingI'm a Gemini/Taurus cusp. The Gemini side says that I'm supposed to be flexible to changes in life whereas my Taurus side digs its heels in. Probably because most of the time when things have changed, they've been changes that I haven't wanted. I stubbornly clung onto two toxic relationships, particularly the second one, because I didn't want to give up, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I could show that kind of fortitude but in a GOOD relationship, my stubbornness would be most fruitful.<br />
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However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.<br />
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But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.<br />
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Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.<br />
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My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.<br />
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I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.<br />
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When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-69491527879432311432014-01-07T10:19:00.000-07:002014-01-08T10:08:24.786-07:00Pagan Blog Project Wk 1: A is for AngerWith the holidays just recently wrapping up, I haven't any doubts that stress levels have been high even for people with lives that are, overall, normal and without any of the excessive amounts of crapola that still so many others have to deal with. I'm definitely no stranger to stress building to such a level that anger becomes the end result. This is something that I'm working on bringing under control.<br />
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But we, for the most part, are always hearing about the dangers of anger and for very good reason, of course. Anger is a very powerful weapon and it's a weapon that's abused more often than it's put to good use. I mean, come on, that is pretty much part of the theme of the Star Wars movies, yes?<br />
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"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."<br />
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All true. Anger is an emotion that can get out of control if we let it and it is certainly not an emotion that I would recommend holding onto. <br />
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However, anger can be a powerful motivator IF IF IF IF used properly. If there are things in your life that desperately need changed, anger can be the power punch you need to fight back against the things that are going wrong. For instance: if you're stuck in an abusive relationship, anger can help you have the courage to stand up, refuse to take it anymore, and to get the hell out. It can help you, depending on the situation, to stand up to your abuser, and refuse to take their bullying anymore.<br />
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Please understand, however, that certain cases are unwise for using your anger for direct confrontation. If your abuser, for instance, is someone who beats you or does other physical things or you haven't any doubt that he/she WOULD enact out physical violence of some sort, your anger is best suited to motivate you just to get the fuck out as a physical confrontation runs the risk of it not ending well for you. BELIEVE ME, I am not recommending that anyone take any route that leads to physical violence.<br />
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Getting to the more Pagan aspects, anger is a way powerful way to raise your energy for spellwork for things like justice spells. <br />
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One of the entries I made for last year's Pagan Blog Project was <a href="http://writingpaganmom.blogspot.com/2013/01/pbp-wk-3-b-is-for-breaking-out.html" target="_blank">B is for Breaking Out the Bitchcraft</a> in which I talked about the use of harsher magick for things like justice spells or appropriately used curses or hexes such as what Dorothy Morrison talks about in her book "Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes, and Other Unsavory Notions".<br />
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One thing that Morrison spoke about in that book that has stuck with me is that when/if you come to the conclusion (after, of course, trying to solve the problem on a more mundane level -- remember, using a bazooka on a mosquito is just silly) that breaking out the bitchcraft is necessary, you HAVE to get to a level of utterly and direly PISSED OFF. If you're having to work some harsh magick to protect yourself, to seek justice against someone trying to cause you harm or whatever, you CAN'T be shy about it.<br />
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As previously mentioned in my entry from last year, there is a terrible amount of hotheads in the overall Pagan community who about have an apoplexy at the very idea of doing any magick that isn't in the "Love and Light" category. But, I'm sorry (not really), if someone is trying to cause you harm, "Love and Light" isn't gonna cut it.<br />
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If someone is coming at you with a knife, "Love and Light" and warm, fuzzy feelings is not going to stop that person from shanking you. Fighting like hell, however, just might.<br />
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In the 1st chapter of her book, Dorothy Morrison writes, "If a serial killer were holding a gun to your head, a knife to your neck, or was delightedly slicing off bits of your flesh, would you be the least bit concerned about his well-being? Would you really give a rat's ass if he was happy? Secure in his own skin? That he would somehow manage to get out of the situation safely and without personal, physical or psychological damage? Of course not! The rules would be damned, and all you'd care about would be getting away and seeing to it that he was too incapacitated to hurt you or anyone else ever again."<br />
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Damn skippy! And, of course, if anyone were in that situation, anger would be an immensely useful tool to overcome your fear to fight back by any means necessary so long as you don't let your anger blind you. As anyone with self defense experience knows, trying to strike out of anger has a high likelihood of getting your ass kicked. But if you use it to put the power behind your strikes rather than control them, you have a higher chance of coming out of the fight victorious.<br />
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Anger is tricky. Trying to bring it to heel can often times be like trying to grasp a wet bar of soap. If you keep your determination to keep your control of it, your anger can be the fuel that kicks you in the ass to strive for a positive change in your life instead of constantly being made life's bitch.<br />
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This is where I am at right now. For far too long I've not been in control of my own life. I've not been able to be prepared for when things tumble down the shitter and it's cost me and my children dearly. And it's not like I've WANTED things to be like this. My life has felt like I'm standing on an oil slick on a gymnasium floor. I've fallen down so many times despite trying to get to more stable ground. And for the past several months, I've been flat on my back like a gorram turtle and life has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me around like a rag doll. To say that I'm sick of this shit would be a massive understatement!<br />
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So now I'm pissed! I'm furious! I'm sick of my life being so beyond my control! I'm fucking sick of not being able to withstand the trials that life throws at me! It has brought me to a place that I don't want to be, but it is still an opportunity. Where I'm at right now, I have the opportunity to finally be able to stand up, throw down some figurative sand in this oily glop, walk to solid ground and stay on my feet. I now have the opportunity to take my life back for myself and my children! I'm so pissed that I've finally said "Enough of this shit!" and have begun to formulate plans and set goals. I'm at a place where I know I can get this shit done and I can't wait to start checking these items off my list so my life can be one of self-sufficiency for the sake of my children as well as myself.<br />
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So, if your life is not what you want it to be for whatever reason, don't just wallow in your discontent and hopelessness. Those feelings are understandable, but get mad, dammit! Get mad and start finding a way to change your life! Where there is a will, there is a way, and a will fueled by anger because you're sick of the shit is going to be a helluva strong will to contend with indeed!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-47816611762039225962013-12-31T12:21:00.001-07:002013-12-31T12:27:02.425-07:00The Last Day of 2013's Warpath<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Seeing a lot of different blogger's farewell to this year, I see I'm not the only one who had, bluntly speaking, a severely shitty year. Like so many others, this year brought insane amounts of change, heartache, heartBREAK, and even renewal.<br />
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This year saw the ending of mine and Druid's relationship, our struggle to maintain a friendship, our respective losses of going to college due to different complications arising, the loss of our apartment. My kids lost having their Daddy so close by since Druid had to go to Florida. This year has seen us homeless yet kept from drowning entirely. If my parents hadn't helped me as much as they did, I really don't know where we would be right now.<br />
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<a href="http://tariqmcom.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/quote-about-the-difference-between-goodbye-and-letting-go-500x438.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="http://tariqmcom.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/quote-about-the-difference-between-goodbye-and-letting-go-500x438.jpg" width="320" /></a>This year I have had love come and go and come again. I had been inexplicably abandoned only to have someone else amazing come into my life. I'm not gonna lie: I still grieve for the one who left, but I'm still very thankful for the one who is here. There is still the occasional wistful wishing that things had turned out differently. Especially right now as, had things not gone all clusterfucked as they did and had he not disappeared on me, we had planned for me to fly to Michigan to see him for a week this Saturday. I think that ache lingers still because of the lack of closure. Every day is an exercise in continuing to let go and move on with my life but part of me will always love him.<br />
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As for the one who is in my life now, he is wonderful. He has been a soothing balm in more ways than I can express. Because of him, life has taken on a tinge of hope that I haven't seen in a long time. Because of him, my kids and I have had the best Christmas we've had in years, and I'm not talking from a materialistic aspect. Getting to spend the holidays in the loving company of him and his kids has kinda renewed my liking of Christmas after so many Christmases that were more misery and loneliness than anything.<br />
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This year also saw the final loss of someone I had considered to be one of my very best friends. The kind of person she ultimately proved herself to be was vindictive and toxic and flat-out miserable. Instead of just walking away and moving on with her life as I was more than content to do at the end, she elected to, once again, try to sabotage my life by attempting to ruin my relationship with E, tried to trash my honor to him, tried to get him to believe that I'm a child abuser, said the most eye-poppingly vile things to E when he called her on her bullshit, sold me out yet again to my ex-husband (long story) and yet she has the nerve to call herself a Pagan. SMH (I say that scoffingly because she's one of the ones who claims to abide by the "Harm None" thing)<br />
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It's a real pity when people feel the need to take such horrid actions. But it speaks way more about them than it does about the people that they're trying to destroy and, ultimately, people like her just end up staying down in their miserable filth and all the bad Karma they've brought upon themselves. <br />
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It really is sad because I loved her like a sister, took a lot of shit from Druid because I wanted to believe the best about her but, in the end, it turns out he was right about her all along. I don't like it when people turn out to not be worth the faith that I invest in them. I'm not meaning any of this as though I'm all shiny or anything, 'cause I'm not. But I never should have let her back into my life. <br />
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A couple days ago I was watching a documentary on Netflix about the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan. I'd remembered hearing at the time that it actually happened that the earthquake was so strong that it actually affected the earth's tilt on its axis by about 10 inches and caused the earth to spin about a second or so faster. Metaphorically speaking, that's what it feels like the events of 2013 have done to my life. The changes were so quick, so violent and wrenching even, that my world has shifted on its axis. This year was my 9 earthquake. My world fell apart all around me, but even then, not everything was hopeless.<br />
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I got knocked down, I grieved, and then I did my best to keep going like so many other people have this year. I dare say that 2013 was a 9 earthquake for a lot of people. So many shitty things happened, but there were still good things too.<br />
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So now this last day of 2013, a Super Moon new moon awaits to greet us into 2014. Today is a day for letting go of what's gone and for looking forward to the prosperity that lies ahead. I really hope that 2014 goes WAAAAAAAAAAY better than 2013 did! And I'm sure I'm not the only one with that hope :3<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-87376656587345413742013-12-19T23:46:00.000-07:002013-12-19T23:46:04.087-07:0044 DoW Day 9 -- A Favorite Mythological AnimalHmmmm......I guess I have a slight issue with the word "mythological". Don't get me wrong, I understand what they're asking, but the word "mythological", to me, implies that the creatures lumped into that category don't exist -- that they're just the products of someone's imagination that wove them into tales and legends.<br />
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I can just imagine the "well, duh!" stares I might be getting from whomever reads this. But please bear in mind: whether you believe me or not, I originated as an Elf and the realm I came from had these "imaginary" creatures. Dragons, Unicorns, Pegasi, you name it, we probably had them in our area or knew where you could go to see one. But even then, these creatures weren't "animals" like humans tend to view animals here. Here, animals generally tend to be seen as "inferior". A crap-ton of humans don't even think that animals have souls, arrogantly thinking that only humans go to the after-life, etc. Animals are thoughtlessly murdered, some to the point or almost to the point of extinction, for absolutely macabre trophies and the rest of their remains are left behind to go to waste. And yes, I know that the wasteful trophy hunting is something that has become highly discouraged, but it still happens. I have no problems with a hunter who takes down a deer so long as the meat is properly dealt with (but I think keeping a kill's decapitated head is horrendously disgusting and is not unlike the old practice of putting a beheaded person's head on a spike). Hell, even there we hunted. But every kill was valued and treated with respect and none of it went to waste.<br />
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Where I come from, though, the creatures -- from the more fantastical to the more "mundane" -- are more sentient. I don't mean that in terms as to say that they could all talk the way the more humanoid races could. But we just all understood each other. Elves there are more connected to nature in a way that humans here (generally speaking) would never understand. We could listen to their vocals and understand what they were saying much in the same way that that Shaun Ellis (aka the Wolf man) understands wolves. In fact, personally, if that dude isn't Other or Therian in some form or fashion, I'd be massively surprised. But that's just me.<br />
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Eye contact with the creatures would often times allow for a telepathic link if the creature would allow it and if the creature was willing to take that trust and bond further, the link could be kept open even without looking. There was a pack of wolves that lived in the area of my village that had that kind of bond with us. They'd even let us run with them when we were Shifted. But, as much as we Elves had that kinship with nature, don't let that fool you into thinking that all creatures allowed such a bond with us. That wolf pack was the only one out of 2 - 4 others that allowed that mental link.<br />
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Dragons were more sentient. They could be tricky to deal with -- great care had to be taken not to accidentally say something offensive, but more often than not, our dealings and relationships with them were friendly. One of my best friends over there was a Dragon and he was one of the ones who enjoyed taking a humanoid form from time to time (not all of them would, but a decent number of them would do so, especially if they needed to come into my village). I daresay that that's one of the reasons I've had such a love of Dragons (about as far back as I can remember) and why I connected with the Fire Element so well as mentioned in previous posts. In fact, it has often crossed my mind that the Dragon that comes when I call upon South in ritual is, in fact, my Dragon friend from Over There :)<br />
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Anyway. I've massively digressed. I have many favorite creature types and while many of them don't physically exist in those forms in this realm, they're no more imaginary than the chair I'm currently sitting on.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-74679172221326562302013-12-19T21:24:00.001-07:002013-12-19T21:24:25.921-07:0044 Days of Witchery Day 8: A Photo of a Magical Place OutdoorsMissed my DoW post for yesterday. Luckily, it's pretty easy to make up for that.<br />
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I took this picture last Fall at the Cold Springs Campground -- one of the few times I was able to get out into nature like this while I was back home *wistful sigh*<br />
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When I was there, at last getting to roam the woods like I'd been wanting to so badly and soaking up the Autumn brilliance, the energy of the forest was so welcoming and cozy to me. I don't know how else to put it. It was healing getting to meander among the trees. I miss it there. <br />
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This is an especially bittersweet post to write. Two years ago today I woke up for my first morning back home in Colorado. I didn't care that we were starting out living in a motel. I was getting to look out my window and see the mountains again. After almost 6 years trapped endlessly in Oklahoma and no mountains in sight, getting to see the Front Range was something that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. And when it snowed two days after coming back home? Oh, dear gods, I was absolutely giddy!! It felt like the Goddess was welcoming me home! It felt like She had understood my homesickness and the snow was Her homecoming present to me.<br />
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Now I'm in the desert and gods, I miss my Colorado like frikkin' hell! I don't regret the reasons I came here. Not at all. But that doesn't stop my heart from aching for home. The desert has its own beauty to it and at least there are still mountains in view here. But they're not mountains I can go to to roam. I don't want to tippy-toe through saguaro forests. Still, though, I'm grateful to have mountains to look at. I'm trying to recognize the natural beauty here, but for an Elf who feels most at home in lush forests, it's difficult to see the desert as anything but desolate.<br />
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I think about my favorite park back home, remembering getting to sit under the enormous tree that gave wonderful shade during the summer, and I think of how much I'm going to miss wriggling my bare feet in the soft, plush grass while watching my kids playing on the playground. That was beyond heavenly for me. That park was my favorite place to go to get a good dose of Nature in the city. And gods, I miss it. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-81445021773119136652013-12-17T09:42:00.000-07:002013-12-17T09:42:06.123-07:00I Choose<a href="http://parentingtwinsandmore.com/images/7/4/2/8/9/208775-198247/stressed%20out%20mom_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://parentingtwinsandmore.com/images/7/4/2/8/9/208775-198247/stressed%20out%20mom_thumb.jpg" /></a>I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning. See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around. Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far. Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in. Hasn't worked.<br />
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My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place. Last night it was with dealing with their homework. Oh. My. Goddess. My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are. *twitch* Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.<br />
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*sigh*<br />
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Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing. And this morning wasn't very good either. It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around. -_- This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night. Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.<br />
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Nope.<br />
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Sage didn't know where his coat was and Rain had her homework stuff all over the place and didn't have her shoes or socks where they were supposed to be, so she couldn't find them. *twitch twitch* Frustration, once again, got the better of me and it ended up being just a really shitty morning. More yelling, more deep breathing to try to calm myself down that didn't work, etc. Yay! -_- Not.<br />
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I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame. I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief. While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner. <br />
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I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room. I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart). Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready. Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag. <br />
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"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me. I choose to not yell. I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me. I choose to be more patient." I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip. When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out. I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.<br />
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As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more. I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper. But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity. So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."<br />
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I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods. I lit the Pine. "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine." I lit the two brown candles, saying both times "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."<br />
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After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.<br />
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As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy. There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise. Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do. A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges. Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do. So they kinda have to watch their step. Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home. Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).<br />
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We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop. Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home. And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.<br />
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I don't know. It's different for everyone.<br />
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I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often. Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break. I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me. I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.<br />
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Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room. It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable. Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids. I feel completely out of control and powerless. Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children. HELL no. I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.<br />
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I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled. Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm. Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.<br />
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Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent. I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better. I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong. I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!" -_- Seriously? It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.<br />
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But my children know that I love them. The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.<br />
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Making mistakes does not make us bad parents. Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.<br />
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And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day. :-)<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-15206709797079923372013-12-16T20:49:00.000-07:002013-12-16T20:49:18.557-07:00Resurrecting the 44 DoW -- Day 7: Air ElementZOMG!!!! Giving the 44 Days of Witchery another shot, but I'm not starting it over from scratch. What's the point? I might do another post for "Favorite Goddess" but that's about as far back as I feel the need to re-visit. Otherwise I'd just basically have repeat posts and, well, I just don't feel like doing that. :3<br />
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Soooooooooo, trying to get this going again, Day 7's prompt is Air Element. Of course. Of course the prompt to pick up where I left off would be something where I'm just kinda drawing a blank on what to say. *facepalm*<br />
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I found a purrtyful peekture all artsy-like of the Air Element on Google :-D<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption"><br />Credit for image goes to <a href="http://cristaliaart.deviantart.com/" target="_blank">CristaliaART</a></td></tr>
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Ok. So some general basics that most Pagans would know by now (excluding newbies, of course, in which case I hope that this helps in any way ^_^)<br />
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The following info for the Air Correspondences is taken from Ellen Dugan's book "Elements of Witchcraft: Natural Magick for Teens" and, of course, all credit goes to her.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>Air Correspondences</u></span></div>
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<b>Direction:</b> East<br />
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<b>Color:</b> Yellow<br />
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<b>Time of Day:</b> Sunrise<br />
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<b>Places:</b> High places, such as mountaintops, meadows, and windy plains<br />
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<b>Witch's Tool:</b> Wand<br />
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<b>Deities:</b> Aradia, Aphrodite, Arianrhod, Butterfly Woman (Native American), Eros, Mercury, Nut, Psyche, the Sky Father<br />
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<b>Animals:</b> Birds and flying insects -- bees, butterflies, dragonflies, and ladybugs<br />
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<b>Elemental Beings:</b> Faeries, sylphs, and flower faeries<br />
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<b>Magicks Include:</b> Creativity, knowledge, study, and change<br />
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<b>Natural Representations Include:</b> Feathers, flowers, oils, perfumes, and incense smoke<br />
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<b>Symbol:</b> <br />
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The element of Air also rules over three signs of the Zodiac: Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra. Common traits that vary in degree between the three are being more mentally-driven than emotional, very intellectual, and tend to be flexible and open to change. These three are very chatty (I should know -- I'm a Gemini cusp and my Moon is in Libra) and could talk your ears off for hours if you let them. Basically, a lot of their common traits are, for lack of a better word, quite airy. Conversations, life decisions, etc. often end up being things that are flitted to from one thing to the next with very little warning. "Wherever the wind blows you", in my opinion, was a phrase probably coined for an Air sign ;-) LoL Actually, I don't know that for sure or anything, but it definitely fits! </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-19832462972830571912013-12-15T17:37:00.000-07:002013-12-15T17:37:22.651-07:00Updating the Website<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It had been around 6 months since I last even glanced in the general direction of my website (<a href="http://morgainekildare.weebly.com/" target="_blank">Morgaine's Witchy Cottage</a>) much less done anything with it. That's something I would like to keep up with better too as I keep in the mindset of trying to keep up with my goals.<div>
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I posted a couple of updates in the Site News section of the Home page and added a little blog section -- <a href="http://morgainekildare.weebly.com/my-tarot-journey.html" target="_blank">My Tarot Journey</a> -- in the Book of Shadows area for keeping a log of my (hopefully) daily Tarot readings/daily card pull/etc. *crossing fingers* </div>
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I hope y'all don't mind checking out my website. It still has a long ways to go to be more fleshed out with the info I want to have on there, but I'm pleased just to have blown the dust off it a bit and to have added to it what I have. :-)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-36989548118842334332013-12-11T15:15:00.000-07:002013-12-11T15:15:18.331-07:00A New Year ApproachesFor sure this has, in many ways, been a lack-luster year for me personally. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for what I have accomplished. I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to continue my Year and a Day class, but at least that falling through wasn't due to my lack of follow-through. However, the things that I am disappointed about are due to that.<br />
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Excerpt from my personal journal to explain: <b><i>"I've been feeling a huge pull to do the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge (we'll see how that goes) and to actually finish the 44 Days of Witchery challenge on my <strike>much-neglected</strike> blog. Sadly, I have yet to actually have the discipline and follow-through to finish any of the challenges I've started out doing. >.< Seriously frikkin' sad, I know. That's something else I want to improve upon: actually finishing the things I start instead of always fading out a few days in.<br />A new year is rapidly approaching which means that a new Pagan Blog Project challenge will be starting. Should be easy, right? One blog post a week? This year will be my 3rd attempt. I'd really like for it to be the charm. <br /><br />I think the only thing I've ever really successfully finished was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo back in '09. I had actually started late -- 7 days late to be precise -- but I plugged away at it and actually won! That was my only win out of my NaNo attempts and I didn't even try this year or last year. This November I really don't have any reason to not go for it. This year I was still homeless and last year I was in school.<br /><br />But I hate the fact that I'm so wishy-washy. I do want to become more disciplined at finishing things I start. I think that is my biggest resolution for the coming year. If I do the 365 Days of Tarot, I want to finish it. If I re-start the 44 Days of Witchery, I want to finish it. If I start the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge, I want to finish it. And, really, I know that there's no real reason that I can't accomplish these things. I know it. It's just me having gotten in my own way in times past. And I know it doesn't have to be that way."</i></b><br />
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I know, overall, it's not hard to do these things on a daily basis. It's just a matter of actually kicking myself in the ass to do so. Perhaps if I can get myself into a more school-minded way of thinking I'll be more motivated. Give myself deadlines and treat these goals like they're school assignments -- they have to be done, non-optional.<br />
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I'll see what I can do for entries for the 44 Days of Witchery (I'm just going to continue where I left off -- no point in basically having repeat entries if I can help it) and for the 30 Days of Otherkin. I dunno if I'll make those entries here, though. We'll see.<br />
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My big thing at the moment, though, is trying to find a way to do the Tarot every day. One of my friends on Instagram has done the aforementioned 365 Tarot challenge and that's all well and good. I'd like to do that too, but I'd like to find a way to approach it that will best have me getting acquainted with my Tarot deck. I'd like to find a set of daily exercises I can do. If anyone reading this has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. :-) In the meantime, I will try to get in a good habit of drawing a card every morning and logging the meaning from the book. It's a start, right?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-77438778058090104162013-11-15T14:40:00.000-07:002013-11-15T14:40:18.094-07:00Trying to Crawl Out of the PitI don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page. I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on. There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.<br />
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Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)<br />
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But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!<br />
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In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!<br />
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<a href="http://www.llewellyn.com/_theme/product_images/200/9780738734781.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://www.llewellyn.com/_theme/product_images/200/9780738734781.jpg" width="266" /></a>I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called <a href="http://www.llewellyn.com/blog/2013/03/writing-a-memoir-merry-meet-again-by-deborah-lipp/" target="_blank">"Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"</a><br />
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I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!<br />
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It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.<br />
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And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.<br />
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This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.<br />
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I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!<br />
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I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!<br />
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These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.<br />
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Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!<br />
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However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.<br />
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*deep breath*<br />
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Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-45861517626128374892013-08-19T17:28:00.000-06:002013-08-19T17:28:09.426-06:00Peeping Out of My Rabbit Hole<a href="http://www.suzanneproulx.com/bunnies-for-web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://www.suzanneproulx.com/bunnies-for-web.jpg" width="400" /></a>Wow. Somehow I didn't even realize how long it's been since I last updated! o.O And my Goddess, the dust bunnies have taken over as though it's still Ostara! LoL!<br />
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Sadly, even now, I find myself at a loss of what to write about. I think it's pretty obvious I gave up on the PBP for this year. Maybe next year I'll actually keep up with it, but I'm honestly not holding my breath at the moment. >.<<br />
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Honestly, y'all, things have been really hard for me these past several months. In the wake of Druid and I breaking up -- at first only to try to approach and fix our relationship from a "just friends" angle only for it to become a "broken up for good" thing back in early June -- I pretty much lost all inspiration to write. I haven't even done writing exercises or anything this past summer. I'm not gonna lie: I still hurt but I know that, really, there's just no way for him and I to work out, so I've been having to figure out how to get past this. It's difficult given that he and I will still be living together until our current lease is concluded at the beginning of June. I still love him, but I'm working on letting him go. Most days we manage to get along just fine as friends, which is fine. Most days I do fine and the hurt is just a mild ache. But I still have days where the hurt is just as fresh as the day I realized that there is just no going back for us.<br />
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*sigh* And I've pretty much neglected the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheOddlyNormalLifeOfAPaganMom" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> about as badly as I've neglected the blog. I'm hoping to get back into gear with both the blog and the page soon. It really is about time I just suck it up and come out of my rabbit hole.<br />
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My Year and a Day classes have been going well. It amazes me, when I look back, to realize that my Year and a Day is about halfway over! o.O Where has the time gone?!?! Currently we're discussing the Sabbats. Last week we discussed Imbolc and tonight we will be discussing Ostara (which reminds me! I need to do some research about Ostara before class tonight! Meep!) such as what it's about and why it's celebrated. I know some basic info, of course, but I need to do some research so I can give my teacher the more in depth answers he's looking for -- something I admittedly bombed on last week *guilty grin*<br />
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Before now, we'd been studying the Elementals and calling upon them -- I connect really well with Fire and my Dragon Friend shows up every time I call for Him. ^_^ I still need to practice calling the other Elementals and working on making my connection with them stronger.<br />
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Last Full Moon we did our first full-on ritual and it went really well :-) I called Fire, J called Water, S called Earth, and Greyhart called Air. We did the ritual to honor Hera and Zeus. It was a seriously cool ritual! I'd go into more detail, but that will have to wait. Again, I got homework to do before class. LoL!<br />
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Overall, that's pretty much the past couple of months in a nutshell. I'm getting by and learning how to heal. Part of me balks at the idea of ever being in a relationship again (and, really, who doesn't go through that feeling when they get out of a toxic relationship?). Part of me feels like I'm just too damaged to ever be good enough for anybody, so why should I try? But the other part of me knows that, while I'm not perfect, I'm not as crappy a girlfriend as I perceive myself. I made mistakes. I was a total bitch sometimes. I had my times where I was selfish and not as considerate as I should have been. I had times where depression spirals turned me into a person I could barely recognize much less like. But, at the heart of it, I know I still tried even though my efforts went largely unappreciated and unnoticed by him.<br />
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Sorry. I know that probably sounded self-pitying as all hell. >.< I don't mean to sound that way and I'm not even feeling self-pitying, honestly. Just simply stating facts. *shrug* Oh well. We'll see what the future brings. In the meantime, any healing and positive energy that y'all could send my way would be most appreciated!<br />
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)O( Morgaine )O(Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-18314204516048492722013-06-06T20:18:00.002-06:002013-06-06T20:18:37.426-06:00Year and a Day Class: Working With the Fire Elementals<div dir="ltr">
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We've been working on calling and banishing the quarters. We've worked with first Earth, then Air, and then we worked with Fire last night (and next week will be Water). I'm still working on gaining confidence in what I'm doing (which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- we're only close to 4 months in to the Year and a Day), so my attempts at evoking first Earth and then Air were.....well, they weren't as good as I COULD have done. However, Greyhart did something different last night.</div>
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In order to get us acquainted with the Fire Realm of the Fire Elementals, he had us do a meditation. I was actually surprised at how mine went.</div>
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First, he lit a jar candle after making the room quite dark, and then had Jason and I close our eyes. He purposefully kept descriptives vague as he guided us down the start of a path so that we would be allowed to see for our own selves what the Fire Realm looked like without any outside influence.</div>
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As I went down this path, I found myself in a bright, arid desert. Normally, I don't like deserts. Barring the occasional visits to Mesa, Arizona to visit my grandparents for Christmas or Spring Break when the desert temperatures weren't nearly so unpleasant, I loved seeing the saguaro in bloom and I loved the desert sunrises and sunsets. But that was about it.</div>
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In this desert, heat waves radiated off the ground and while I was sweating like crazy and the heat was uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as other places I've been (such as the Mojave on the way toward San Diego or Los Angeles in September when I was 15 -- OMMFG!!!! It was so hot there, the air seemed hardly breathable!). There was a certain life to this heat. I don't know how to word it.</div>
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Anyway, as I continued, I came over a hill and I saw a Dragon. He had the boxy-shaped head similar to a Chinese dragon, but he wasn't as slender as one. He looked at least the size of a hippopotamus but still had the classic Dragon serpentine grace. He wasn't made of scales. He was living fire and he was going around burning things. He was setting trees on fire and other things and it seemed to be for no apparent reason.</div>
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Before I thought the better of it, I walked down the hill toward the Dragon. At first I was afraid he would burn me too when he turned, saw me, and stopped what he was doing. Though there were no actual "eyeballs" in that draconian head, his gaze still struck me as being extremely curious. "Why are you doing this?" I asked. "Why are you burning everything?"</div>
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"It's my job to," he said simply.</div>
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I felt hesitant to say that I didn't understand. Long have I loved Dragons, but even I know better than to annoy one. Still, he took the lost look on my face in stride."I bring about endings and, in those endings, I bring about beginnings. What I do here is what is done in your world. What I burn here burns over there and as I do so, things begin again from the fertile soil of destruction. I clear out the cluttered undergrowth that prohibits growth and I make way for healthy beginnings."</div>
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I pondered this for a moment. It made sense. It's not the first time I've heard of fires being set for the sole purpose of preserving the health of a forest. In fact, the first time I heard about this was when my parents and I visited Sequoia National Forest. The guide explained that every so often, a particular section of the forest is set afire to burn away undergrowth and cause fallen pinecones to release their seeds so that new trees will grow."If you so wish, I can do the same for you." That statement startled me. He told me that, basically, he could help me to burn away the old so that the new could start, which would help me to discover who I really am. He gave me a bump on the shoulder with his snout before sauntering off to continue his work.</div>
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The next thing I knew, Greyhart's voice was calling us back, coaxing us to come back down the path out of the Fire Realm. When we got back, he asked us to tell him of what we saw. When Jason and I finished regaling him with our adventures, Greyhart asked us how long we thought we'd been there.</div>
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In my head I knew it had to be a mere amount of minutes, but as I thought of all I'd seen and the conversation with the Dragon that I'd had, it FELT like I'd been there at least an hour.</div>
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"I watched the clock while you guys were gone and you were gone for exactly 3 minutes." He went on to explain that time in the other realms ran differently than they do here. This is something I already knew, but still. It was good to talk about. He also asked us how we moved around in the Fire Realm. "I started out walking when you were guiding us down the path, but when I got there, all I really had to do was think 'I'd like to be over there' and there I was. Hell, it didn't even really take a thought." 'Cause when I thought about it, I didn't remember doing much walking. I'd start to walk in a particular direction, but then I'd just be there in the blink of an eye and it didn't even dawn on me how "abnormal" that is.</div>
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"The laws of locomotion also don't apply the same as they do here. It's different wherever you go," he explained. He also expressed how pleased he was by the fact that we'd not only found the Fire Realm but that some of the creatures there had actually talked to us.</div>
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Finally, we got to the part of the evening where we practiced summoning Fire Elementals. Naturally, because of my shy preference to let other people go before me so as to get an idea of how I want to do something, Greyhart had me go first. Oh goody! Maybe someday I'll get over that awkwardness of being thrown in the pool to swim first. LoL!</div>
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Anyway, so my first attempt kinda fizzled. The being that came through was kinda puny and its energy sputtered a bit. It kinda felt like I'd started to bring over something of decent size but then just ended up with a fistful of fur. Does that make any sense? Even Greyhart, from where he sat on the couch, gave me a rather bemused look like "Really? Surely you can do better."</div>
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He stood from the couch, had me face back toward the south, put his hands on my shoulder blades to help me ground for a moment, and then told me to envision that that portal path to the Fire Realm again. I can't remember all of what he said, but at one particular thing he said, I saw the path burst into flames on either side as it shot the rest of the way into the Fire Realm. As soon as I felt that, I knew exactly who I wanted to find and it didn't take me but a moment. Standing not too far away from the portal entrance was my Dragon friend. I felt a swell of joy that he was there. In the moments before I said the words to call him to my circle, the Dragon had already said he would come.</div>
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"Hail to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the South. I call you forth to be a guard unto my circle. Be here now." As I said that last while drawing a Pentagram in the air, I felt a ripple of energy shoot from my chest and I knew he was there. I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes again to look back at Greyhart.</div>
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His eyes were wide. "Damn!" Jason's eyes were quite wide as well. Greyhart asked him to tell us what he felt.</div>
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"What she called through made itself small enough to fit into the room, but I can tell it's A LOT bigger than that. I can feel the heat emanating from the south. I seriously feel like I'm standing next to a furnace. When it came through, I felt like I was within feet of one of those pyrotechnic torches that they use for special effects."</div>
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That thrilled me enough, but Greyhart's words sent me straight into elation. He basically gave me major props. He said that that was my best conjuration ever, it was FAR BETTER than the ones I did for Air and Earth previously. He even said that the Dragon was the biggest Elemental that had ever been called in his house.</div>
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Seriously, while he was telling me all this, I just wanted to do a friggin' happy dance. ^_^ The crowning point was when he told me that this is why he'd taken me on as a student -- because he'd seen my potential for doing magick like this. "You keep doing what you just did and, someday when you're leading ritual, people are gonna notice and feel what you're doing and they're gonna want to know how you did that."I thought my face was gonna crack. ^_^</div>
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At last, when I sent the Dragon back home, I silently thanked him for coming before saying the words to send him home. After he left, the temperature in the room, though it had been hot from the get-go and had gotten even hotter when the Dragon arrived, went back down by a noticeable degree and I felt like I was walking on air.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-66398270563586069552013-06-01T17:33:00.000-06:002013-06-01T17:39:40.254-06:00Book Review: "Not My Mother: A Memoir"This most recent Mother's Day was one of the best I'd had in <b><i>years</i></b>! For one thing, I had just accomplished my divorce <b><i>finally</i></b> after almost 5 years! That alone was enough to have me completely cheerful even though, for the most part, Mother's Day passed pretty much like any other day, as usual. I'm still learning to remind myself to be thankful when days like that pass without much acknowledgment. And, this time, even when I felt slightly melancholy, all I had to do was remember that 1. I am officially free to move on with my life and 2. I have my kids. ^_^<br />
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Well, there was something else that I got that made Mother's Day a particularly lovely one: A new book. Believe me, I will NEVER scoff at getting a new book, especially when I'm able to get it for free! I was looking at posts by blogs that I follow here on Blogger and I spied a post on Laura DeLuca's blog where she was promoting a book called "Not My Mother: A Memoir", saying that it could be gotten for free on Amazon for Mother's Day only.<br />
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Again: Like I'm going to turn down a free book? Not on your life! <br />
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I didn't really know much about this book when I hit the button that would have it magically delivered to my Kindle. I knew from the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Not-My-Mother-Memoir-ebook/dp/B008LQ7BQ6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370127797&sr=8-1&keywords=Not+My+Mother%3A+A+Memoir" target="_blank">brief description</a> that the author had been through a LOT of abuse -- from her parents especially, including incest. I didn't fully read the description until after I'd received it and read it, actually.</div>
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I've read memoirs from abuse survivors before (such as "Step On a Crack, You Break Your Father's Back" -- the heart-wrenching life of Vanessa Morelli Ferris) and they're not an easy thing to read, especially if you tend toward an empathic nature.</div>
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Ashley Rae presents her story in a poignantly real fashion. One of the hugely remarkable differences I found while reading this is that even when she speaks of the abuse she was put through by her parents and by other people, while she conveys the pain it caused, she remains miraculously free of the hate that might have taken down a weaker person.</div>
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The book starts with a memory of being with her mother, who was left quite disfigured after a murder attempt made by Ashley's biological father when she was very young. Her mother was concerned that Ashley would be embarrassed to be seen with her. The tender-while-rough first glimpse Ashley gives us of her mother becomes hard to reconcile with the raging woman spoken of later in the book who wielded a knife at her own daughter. And, all the while, Ashley worries she will turn out to be abusive to her own child as her mother was to her.</div>
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The book is presented in a skillfully-non-linear fashion as Ashley takes us from the first moment she discovered her pregnancy through birth, giving us glimpses of her past in well-told flashbacks. My heart wrenched repeatedly for Ashley as she gave the details of what people had done to her as well as the struggles she had to go through to overcome, learn to forgive, and learn to find her strength to not be the doormat to these people again.</div>
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At one point she detailed a falling out with someone who had been a very close friend and as I read the details of this friend's dire hatefulness in the end, it hit very close to home as I have had similar experiences with past friends too.</div>
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One of my very favorite things about this book is that Ashley writes with zero pretense. She does not put on a show for you. She has no qualms in writing about things that might embarrass other writers to reveal, and for that, I would trust her far more easily than others. Anyone who can write about the hilarity of uncontrollable bodily functions and not bat an eye while you're left collapsing in laughter over the droll wording has my utter confidence. Not many people would have the stones to even go there. It was things like that, as well as her unflinching revealing of her own characteristic short-comings that had me exclaiming many times throughout the book "My gods, I would so hang out with her!"</div>
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Reading her book was like reading the book of someone I'd known all my life. It was like reading the words of my two very best friends in the entire world. She doesn't write in a way that makes her seem unapproachable. If I were to see her on the street after reading this, I, admittedly, would still probably want to squeal a bit, but I could also picture hanging out with her and chatting over a cup of tea or coffee. Plus, I have to admit, it was <b><i>extremely</i></b> refreshing to see the survivor's tale written from the perspective of a fellow Pagan and to see how she leaned on her faith to get past all she'd been through.</div>
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I give this book a <b><i>very enthusiastic</i></b> 5 Stars and I would very highly recommend this book to every Pagan I can think of. Plus, as she details in the Afterword, 10% of all the proceeds of this book goes to help the son of a very dear late friend of hers.</div>
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Seriously guys, this book is a very worthy buy all around. Not only are you getting a great read, but you're also contributing to a wonderful cause.</div>
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You can find this book on Amazon <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Not-My-Mother-Memoir-ebook/dp/B008LQ7BQ6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370127797&sr=8-1&keywords=Not+My+Mother%3A+A+Memoir" target="_blank">here</a>, you can check out Ashley's personal website <a href="http://authorashleyrae.weebly.com/" target="_blank">here</a>, and you can find her on Facebook <a href="https://www.facebook.com/authorashleyrae" target="_blank">here</a> and her book's Facebook page <a href="https://www.facebook.com/NotMyMotherAMemoir" target="_blank">here</a>.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-81396840874890270552013-06-01T16:39:00.000-06:002013-06-01T16:39:18.091-06:00Whoops! It's Been a While!So sorry it's been so long since I last wrote! <br />
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Just a few days after Holly came into our family I re-started my job at McDonald's and it's been craziness ever since. First of all, Holly is doing awesome! She has really come out of her shell over the past few weeks and she's gotten more confident to come out of my bedroom and be around all of us without freaking out. She's getting along really well with the kids to where she lets them pet her and play with her. ^_^ And, as I sit here typing this, she is snoozing quite contentedly next to me on the couch (oop! Now she's snuggled on my chest). <3<3<3<3<3 Every day she's exhibited more and more of the personality traits from her last life while still maintaining her different individuality in this life and I could seriously burst with how happy I am to have her with me again!<br />
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For instance, like Tippy, she'll come trotting right to me when I call her name and she'll be meowing all the way. That was one of my most favorite things about Tippy's personality when she was in that life. I love my little kitty friend so much!<br />
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Let's see....what else? I turned 30 a couple weeks ago (oh joy!). I'm not as bothered by it as I thought I would be, but just wait til I start getting significantly closer to 40. We'll see how much bitching I do about that milestone! LoL!<br />
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Regarding my job, I can't say I'm overly thrilled about it, but I'm still thankful for it. I'm thankful for the extra money and I still manage to enjoy it most of the time. There's just the occasional rough patch where I'm having to deal with bitchy co-workers, which I find to be worse than rude customers. Hell, just the other day I was working the morning shift and this one chick was just......well, lemme put it this way: I was THIS CLOSE to asking her if she needed to change her tampon. I'm still getting used to being back at McDonald's and trying to find my multi-tasking groove (which I've not had much of in the first place) and I was helping with Drive-Thru. Well, apparently my multi-tasking skills aren't as good as hers which, she felt, meant that it was ok for her to treat me like an inferior plebian piece of trash.<br />
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Finally, when she decided to snappishly demand my headset and shove me off to other duties, I had it. "There's no need to be rude!" I barked. She and another co-worker tried to justify it because of my, apparent, ineptness to do the job to their satisfaction. "Huh uh!" I snapped. "I don't care! I'm trying my best and this is only my second week back on the job, so can it!" I decided a long time ago that I won't be treated like anybody's bitch. <br />
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That's not to say that I don't understand the frustration they were feeling, but even T knew that I was new back on the job. I wanted to smack her the worst because SHE KNEW. <br />
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Meh. So, it took me a little while to get past that bad mood. Admittedly, one of the things that cheered me up a bit was watching A get her Karma. That morning was heavy with rain and, while I was sequestered off in an out-of-the-way corner of the Drive-Thru to just take orders for one of the Drive-Thru lanes (fine by me), I watched A suddenly have to deal with a leak in the ceiling right above where she was taking orders for the other lane and dealing with some of the drink orders. I admit, every time she wailed about getting dripped on and futilely searched for a way to shield herself from the drips, I giggled a bit. Still, I reminded myself not to be TOO gleeful lest Karma hike a brow in my direction. I took a few (smirking) deep breaths, turned back to my business, and ignored everything else to do with it.<br />
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But, barring all that, my job has been alright. :-) Barring the fact that my feet hurt so bad by the end of the day that I'm ready to bawl my head off, that is.<br />
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My Year and a Day classes were, basically, on vacation for the past two weeks and will be resuming this upcoming Monday. ^_^ I'm very excited for that.<br />
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Overall, that's pretty much all that's been going on over the past few weeks.<br />
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Oh! And I'm in the middle of creating a website on Weebly! :-) I haven't published it yet, but I've been trying to get things set up beyond the mere bare bones. ^_^ I think I'll be able to do more of the in-depth things on there that I've been wanting to do here such as have pages from my Book of Shadows as well as bits of my writings. ^_^ I'm working on it. I hope to have it up soon.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-34833392983996384252013-05-16T23:44:00.001-06:002013-05-16T23:46:48.420-06:00Holly's First Real Day (PICS INCLUDED)(I started this entry yesterday, but I got side-tracked with Holly and then I ended up crashing LoL)<br />
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May 15: Sooooooooo, I can tell this is going to take some time. Holly has shown that she's quite timid and shy. In fact, she's the shyest kitten I've ever had to deal with. When she was with me in her last life, she didn't have a bunch of rowdy kids to deal with. Aspen was just a baby and I hadn't had Rain yet. When Aspen was a baby, he didn't have that typical baby tendency of smacking the crap out of whatever was making him excited. Tippy had ADORED Aspen. In essence, they kinda got to grow up together. She would lay by him, I would help him pet her, he would get the most ecstatic, joyful look on his face and Tippy would just lay there and purr her ever-lovin' head off.<br />
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But now things are VERY different. Aspen's a LOT bigger and there's two more than there was before she died. A lot of things have changed. I know it's going to take a lot of patience and learning to back off when she's had enough. But I'll admit, this will be a learning process for me too. Like I said, I've never had such a shy kitten before. Tippy was a little shy when she first came to us; she hid for a little bit, but when she grew curious enough to come out and explore, she was fine. <br />
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Now that she's Holly with a lot more to deal with, I can see that this is going to take a lot more time and patience.<br />
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That being said, it's not been all that bad. This morning started out a little rough. Admittedly, I wasn't being overly constructive in trying to get her out of hard-to-reach hiding places such as under or behind the entertainment center, which we've had to block off because she poo'ed back there. At one point Druid scared the ever-loving out of her by trying to shoo her from under the entertainment center with a broom handle. -_- That was particularly frustrating because she was starting to gain some curiosity to explore and after that, she went back into hiding. *sigh* <br />
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However, today has had a lot of high points, too. Even when I'd pulled her out of her hiding spots, the moment I started petting her and snuggling her, she would snuggle back and there have been several times today she has rubbed her face against mine, which I find to be most encouraging.<br />
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However, as the day went on, it became more and more clear that having her things set up in the living room and dining room was just NOT the best idea. So, I did some cleaning and picking up in mine and Druid's bedroom, moved her things in there, and made it to where the room could be open, but she'd be blocked in there just so she'd have a quieter, less-trafficked area to be in. She was still a little timid at first, but it didn't take her very long to gain the confidence to explore the room, even obnoxiously so as the night wore on. But the good thing was that she finally had the confidence to get out of her kitty condo to eat food, drink water, and use the litter box. Plus, she's gradually getting less scared of us. <br />
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For a while, if either one of us would peek in on her hiding place, she'd hiss at us (which is SO freaking cute, btw -- it's just this tiny little puff of air!) but wouldn't make any aggressive moves. The only time she's made to claw at either one of us is if she was feeling playful. I think the hiss was more of a timid, startled thing. She'd still let us pet her and even look a bit soothed when we'd do so. <br />
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May 16: Her first night in our room, like I said, she got a bit obnoxious. I ended up waking up at around 5am because she got onto the sink top and was knocking things over. But I ended up getting to play with her and OMG when she's feeling confident, she is such a snugglebug! AND a chatterbox XD Naturally, I couldn't help but to chatter back. ^_^<br />
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And now, before I close this entry, here are some pics of my little friend:<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-85644760862367358002013-05-15T00:56:00.000-06:002013-05-15T00:56:07.550-06:00A Week of Celebration<br />
I can't even find the words to describe all the happiness this last week has brought me. First there was the finalizing of my divorce last Friday, which I already wrote about, then there's the fact that the Spring Semester is FINALLY over!!!!! But this next bit of ecstatic happiness is the uber reason for this post. However, for y'all to fully understand, I'm going to need to include a bit of a back-story.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">(taken from a journal entry I wrote a couple weeks ago)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Something that's been weighing on my mind a lot lately is the topic of Familiars. I used to have one. I didn't get to have her very long and, considering the way my life was going for the longest time, maybe it was a mixed blessing. At least when she died, she still belonged to me. I didn't have to suffer the grief of having to rehome her because many things 'caused me and mine to have to be homeless and living like gypsies for almost two years.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Tippy was my first-ever Mother's Day present. Honestly, she was probably the most thoughtful thing my ex ever did for me. I wasn't expecting anything for Mother's Day that year. We were dirt poor. So when my ex came in briefly on his lunch break on that day in May, 2005 with something behind his back and told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands, I thought maybe he'd gotten me one of those brownies from the nearby 7-Eleven that I liked so much. Instead, what I got was a feeling of a tiny, soft, furry body. She was a tiny little black kitten with little white paws and ankle socks on her back feet. When she was a baby, she had a little tip of white on her tail, hence her name Tippy.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Tippy was wholeheartedly MY baby. I'd never had a cat so devoted to me. She would even come running to me when I'd call her. One time she got out of the apartment and went into the pool area (which was closed off). My ex tried to get her to come to him by calling her and she just sat there staring at him like "And what?" I went outside, crouched down, and called for her and she came trotting to me as eagerly as one would expect a puppy to do. That was when I first realized the bond we had.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Tippy loved me unconditionally, even when I wasn't such a great human being. I'm ashamed to say that there was a long stretch of time where I didn't really appreciate her or treat her as I should have. There were so many things going on at that time, though I don't see any of them as being excuses for me. But she loved me anyway. And yes, I did manage to get my head out of my ass. I just wish I'd done it sooner. </span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">I didn't have Tippy for a full year before she was hit by a car one night while my ex and I were off visiting a friend of his. She died almost a month exactly after he and I had moved to Oklahoma City from Texas. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Tippy died March 10, 2006 just a couple weeks before my daughter was born. It's been 7 years and I still miss her terribly. I've often wondered if Tippy might someday come back to me.</span><br /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Thoughts like this have especially been prevalent as of late. I follow the Pooka Pages magazine for Pagan children and back towards the end of March, Pooka -- the Familiar of Lora, the gal who runs the mag -- passed away. He died March 25. My heart absolutely broke for Lora 'cause I remember all too well the grief I went through when I lost Tippy.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Lora wrote a story about Pooka's passing for the Beltane issue of the Pooka pages and holy crap, I cried my eyes out. (You can find it on the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/PookaPagesTeam" target="_blank">Pooka Pages Facebook page</a>. I'm sorry I don't have a more direct link)</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">But Lora, even then, knew that her Pooka kitty would come back to her. And Pooka didn't waste any time in doing so. A few days ago, I saw a Facebook status on the Pooka Pages Team page and OMG!! She found him again! </span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">"</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Hey Team - I FOUND HIM!!!! And just wait til you here the story behind it: Pooka died on Monday evening, March 25. I lay in his cage at the vets and he walked over and lay down with me, his chin resting on my arm, his front leg draped over the arm. “You have to go away for a while, Pooks,” I told him, “but I need you to come back to me. You have to come back soon. I can’t be </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">without you, my little heartbeat kitty.” He purred and gazed into my eyes.<br />His little ghost was at my side for 3 days. Then, suddenly, on the evening of the 28th, I felt him leave. The next day, March 29th, was my birthday and such a lonely, sad day it was.<br />But I absolutely knew he’d already found another body and that he’d be born almost immediately and very close by. But how would I find him? Neither our town nor any of the surrounding towns have animal shelters or even pet stores where I might look.<br />I started scanning the ads in the papers for kittens. There were none. I checked Craig’s List online. Nothing in our area. Zip. Nada. It looked like I’d just have to wait for him to wander onto my front porch some day….<br />Then, by chance, I noticed an animal rescue facility located in a house a few blocks down the street from me! I’d never known it was there. I called the number and explained that I was looking for a black, male kitten that was 4 weeks old.<br />“Oh honey,” said the lady on the phone, “we mostly get grown cats - hardly ever kittens and especially not that young. We do have an 8 month old female who’s very sweet.”<br />“No, I’m looking for a black male born about 4 weeks ago,” I said.<br />“Well, you never know,” she told me, “so let me take your number just in case.”<br />A few days later, she called. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said, “but we just got a litter of 5 kittens dropped off. Four tabby females and one black male. And he’s exactly 4 weeks old because they were born March 29th.”<br />What a clever and magical cat Pooka is … and now we even share the same birthday!</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">"</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Reading that status made my heart ache in a way that's very bittersweet. I am SO happy that Lora has Pooka back! I just looked at the Facebook page and she posted a picture of him and OMG I absolutely melted!! I'm so happy for her and Pooka! But, admittedly, I'm jealous. I still miss Tippy so much :'( I'm not jealous in a bad way, please don't misunderstand. I just wish so much that she comes back to me!</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Honestly? I think she's just waiting. I think she knew at the time that things in my life would not be right for her to come back so soon. But now things have settled down A LOT and I have been DESPERATELY wanting to get a cat again. I think that she just might be coming back to me soon and I think this time around is going to go a LOT better than it did last.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">I think I might do a little ritual to ask her to come back to me. I think she might have been waiting for me to call for her. I think she's been waiting for me to be ready for us to be reunited.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">I never got to work with Tippy as a Familiar or anything. But I have no doubts that she was my Familiar. I knew it through the bond that we shared and the love that she gave. She was no ordinary cat and I have no doubts that if she does come back to me, she would be a powerful magickal partner as well as the extraordinary friend that she was the last time she was alive.</span><br />
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So, there you have it. <br />
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Now, I didn't end up having to do any elaborate ritual to call her back to me. As I mentioned, I think she's been waiting for me and for things in my life to be ready and Pooka's death and reincarnation was a way that she could get the message across for me to look for her.<br />
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Well, guys, I found her! After reading the whole story of what happened to Pooka, it felt like I'd been smacked over the head with a neon sign and I'd been on the lookout ever since. That bit earlier was written on April 30. It took me having to deal with some frustrations (i.e. one guy who'd posted about 3 black kittens on Craigslist blew me off the day I was supposed to go look at them.) However, when I had my meltdowns of desperate despair, Druid was right here with me to remind me that it will work out when it's meant to and to try not to be so impatient.<br />
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It paid off today :-) I found her!!!! And she is home!! :-D, though she is called Holly in this life instead of some odd pet name. :3 I will post pics tomorrow!<br />
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I'll write more later. It's uber late and I am having a really hard time staying awake at my laptop. LoL!!<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-59963249238239397272013-05-12T20:46:00.000-06:002013-05-12T20:46:56.407-06:00Happy Mother's Day!I hope all the mommies who read my page had a wonderful Mother's Day! Whether you are the mommy to a human child, a furbaby, a plant even, or are like a mother to someone! <br />
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My Mother's Day has been the best I've had in years! For one thing, it's my first Mother's Day as a happily divorced woman! :-D For another, today was a beautiful day, so I took my kiddos to the park and OMG they needed it! LoL I had to get onto them a few times because for a little while, they were THE LOUDEST and most obnoxious kids on the playground! XD But it was a good outing and it was fun watching them get to play with other kiddos and enjoy being out of the house. Right now, they are chowing down on Velveeta Shells 'N Cheese for dinner to be followed up with by some Sun Chips and an apple for dessert. ^_^ Yep, life is good.<br />
<br />
On the writing front, I am pleased to report that between last night and this morning, I've managed to write two poems. ^_^ I know, it doesn't sound like much, but still, it's something. It's more than the empty screen I was staring at for the longest time that was taunting me with the mental image of it collecting dust.<br />
<br />
I hesitate to post them here or anywhere lest that mean that I can't submit them anywhere for publication, but if anyone reading this wouldn't mind acting as a beta reader for me, that would be awesome! I am eager to get some opinions on these. :-D Just leave me a comment here or send me a message on the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheOddlyNormalLifeOfAPaganMom" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> and I will send them to you.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-52534149225900849332013-05-11T19:46:00.000-06:002013-05-11T20:27:36.023-06:00ZOMG Treehouses!!!!! *spaz*<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.9wows.com/files/2012/01/treehouse_090810_196.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://cdn.9wows.com/files/2012/01/treehouse_090810_196.jpeg" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My dream treehouse</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm watching "My Cat From Hell" when a trailer for a new called "Treehouse Masters" (<a href="http://youtu.be/dSIP0diIKkk" target="_blank">Click Here</a> to watch the video) and OMG! My inner-Elf practically SQUEEEE-gasmed!!!! I freaking LOVE treehouses!<br />
<br />
Being that I have kids, the idea of living in a treehouse is not exactly practical by any stretch, but you know what I would LOOOOOOOOVE to have someday? I would love to have a tree-cabin for my writing studio! :-D A place where I can go and be in the trees and have my own space to settle in and let nature inspire me to write. *le sigh* That would be the total awesomesauce! Some place like this would be perfect:<br />
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Ohmigods, I love this treehouse so much! :-D It's so beautiful!<br />
<br />
<br />
I have no doubts that my love of treehouses comes from my being an Elf. From what I understand, many races of Elves lived up in the trees like this. Hell, even the Elves in "The Lord of the Rings" books and movies lived up in the trees, particularly the Lorien Elves. ^_^ Granted, obviously, I'm not a Tolkien Elf, but I loved the designs of the flets in the LOTR movies! They were so beautiful!<br />
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Maybe someday I'll get to have my treehouse writing studio. At this point in my life, it's not terribly likely, but it is a lovely thing to dream about. Every person who loves to create in some form or fashion dreams of having that environment that will catalyze their creativity and make the inspiration wash over them like a waterfall that has been un-dammed. And I think I just discovered what my dream environment is. ^_^<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://greenadelaide.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/treehouse-five.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://greenadelaide.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/treehouse-five.jpg" width="424" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How cool is this treehouse?!?!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-72211584311449790172013-05-11T13:54:00.000-06:002013-05-11T13:54:15.672-06:00Writerly Thoughts: Feeling VERY Twitchy!!First of all: Yay!! I managed to change the header picture!!! :-D Easy for most people, but it took me a bit to figure it out >^.^< So yeah, I'm feeling a bit geeky happy. I am LOVING my new layout!! Elf-girl is happy!! <br />
<br />
In other news.....<br />
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I've been feeling twitchy for days. Twitchy of the writing persuasion, and I'm glad for it, but it's a twitchiness I've not been able to quench. I have been BADLY wanting to make some writerly accomplishments, but I still feel stuck! I don't know what to write! Please forgive the crassness of this comparison, but it's like being constipated. Aaaaaaaaand that's as far as I'm taking that analogy. Y'all can figure the rest out, I'm sure. Perhaps a better analogy might have been the pressure that builds when you've got a kink in a water hose. I don't know o.O<br />
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It's like my head is full of white noise and hesitation. I don't know where to begin. Trying to break my writing inertia is like trying to get a steam engine going. Breaking through that barrier of inertia is the biggest problem for me (as I'm sure it is for many people). Once I actually get going, it's not quite so difficult. But the GETTING GOING is just.......gah! D: <br />
<br />
I haven't gotten to any writing exercises yet (fairly obvious). With the last two weeks of the Spring Semester to deal with, I wasn't overly expecting to. But now that it's pretty much over with the exception of one more thing for my Paralegal class (as I've already mentioned), my free time is going to be a lot more free for me. Yes, I'll have work to contend with, but when I'm home, the only duty I really need to worry about keeping up with is contributing to the upkeep of the apartment.<br />
<br />
I'm still working on culling down my time on Facebook. I fully admit that I've still been spending too much time on there, but I haven't really touched any of the games in at least a week whereabouts.<br />
<br />
<br />
I have one more assignment to complete, which is due on Monday. I really need to get to that (it's a Legal Research assignment, which I am NOT looking forward to!) but I need to have that done. Either before I do it or after, I want to try to complete a writing exercise. I feel like if I don't do some sort of creative writing SOON, I'm going to go to pieces. I'm glad I feel that way, but I want to find a way to take advantage of it lest that desire go slack with me nothing to show for it.<br />
<br />
If anyone reading this knows of any other places to suggest that have good writing exercises, I would very much appreciate the heads up! :-D<br />
<br />
)O( Morgaine )O(Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-72791787151755490772013-05-10T23:49:00.001-06:002013-05-10T23:49:40.585-06:00After Almost 5 VERY Long Years.....If you follow my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheOddlyNormalLifeOfAPaganMom" target="_blank">Facebook page</a>, you might have already heard my big news for the day: Earlier today, almost 12 hours ago and after almost 5 years of waiting, I FINALLY was able to get my divorce!!! I seriously cannot even convey what a huge relief that is for me! So many times prior I had tried to get this thing going only to be shot down for one reason or another.<br />
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When I was living in Oklahoma, I'd tried several times to get the Legal Aid to help me, but they wouldn't. Why? Because they were only helping abuse cases, particularly cases of physical abuse and because pretty much the only thing my ex-husband DIDN'T do was beat the hell out of me, I was shit out of luck. Didn't even matter that I was afraid of my ex somehow finding me. Didn't even matter the fact that my ex is a flaming sociopath. >.< Yeah, makes no sense for me either. But none of that matters anymore, because my divorce hearing was earlier today and everything went well!<br />
<br />
As anticipated, my ex wasn't there. I don't know where he is (which is fine by me), so he wasn't able to be served in person; we had to go the Service by Publication route, which was doubly fine by me. My ex isn't one of those who reads the paper much less the legal announcements. ^_^<br />
<br />
Druid was there with me, thank Goddess. He didn't want to chance even the remote possibility of my ex showing up and thus my having to deal with him on my own. We were there almost two hours and, barring the fact that I fidgeted nervously until it was my turn for the lawyer to talk to me, it was a very easy process.<br />
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<a href="http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/2010/11/free-woman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/2010/11/free-woman.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
And when it was all over, I have no doubts I looked something like the gal in this picture!<br />
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I am so relieved to have that gods-awful chapter of my life FINALLY closed!<br />
<br />
To celebrate, I decided to re-vamp the look of this blog. Today is the first day of my new life and I wanted my blog to somehow reflect that look. It took FOREVER, but I was finally able to find a blog template that I like and voila!<br />
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In other news, I am pretty much FINALLY done with the Spring Semester (with the exception of one more Paralegal class to turn in my Take-Home Final that I have to do) and then I am off for the Summer! :-D Thank Goddess!! I am NOT happy how the Spring Semester ended up for me. >.< I'd started it so well, but when I got massively knocked on my ass by the bronchitis for over a month, it seriously screwed things up for me. I went from having my overall grade in the high 90's to sweating over whether or not I was even still passing. But, I'm pretty sure I passed well enough and I'm damn determined that the Fall Semester go MUCH better than the Spring semester did! :-DAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-30822515778650331142013-05-03T17:50:00.001-06:002013-05-03T17:50:16.462-06:00Writerly ThoughtsOne of my life's passions has always been writing. One of my long-time dreams is to be a published writer -- be it my poems or my stories (provided I ever actually FINISH one!! -_-) and have people actually LIKE what I write. One of the reasons I created this blog was to have it be my Writing blog, not just my Pagan blog.<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.outblush.com/women/images/2008/06/amalia-corner-writing-desk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.outblush.com/women/images/2008/06/amalia-corner-writing-desk.jpg" width="308" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I would LOVE to have a writing desk like this!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Unfortunately, I don't do very much writing nowadays, not even in this blog to write about the Pagan things going on in my life. This is one of those areas where I severely lack discipline and I, truthfully, psyche myself out too much. It's a bad habit that I need to cut out. Actually, I have a LOT of bad habits that I need to knock off. <br />
<br />
1: The biggest one is how wastefully I often spend my time. I do too many things that are worthless distractions. I play too many Facebook games. The fact that I've cut down doesn't matter. My time still get swallowed in by Candy Crush Saga. Hell, if they allowed more lives than just 5, I'd have a bigger struggle. The fact that I allow myself to get drawn in by such time-wasters is something that has massively gotten in my way as a writer but it has also caused me a lot of hurt as a college student. <br />
<br />
2: I don't spend enough time practicing. I've got writing textbooks still from my English Composition class and my Creative Writing class that I'd started the Spring Semester of last year that I'd ended up having to drop. There are SO MANY things I could use from those books in regards to writing exercises, writing prompts, etc. I've been told by many that I'm a good writer, but I know that there are A LOT of areas that I need to improve in order to be not just a GOOD writer, but a MARKETABLE writer.<br />
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3: I need to find something to write about every day, even if it's just a blurb. I'm not talking some stupid status on Facebook or Twitter. At one point, I used to write every day quite faithfully in my LiveJournal. That's a habit that I pretty much drastically dropped out of back in 2006 after some REALLY bad things began happening in my life. I just didn't have the energy to write anymore. Before then, I was writing poems fairly regularly. I was involved on a poetry site called TheStarliteCafe and I was taking part in poetry writing challenges quite frequently. But when things started going to complete and dire shite in 2006, my passion <br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gMsWL3ZWC0Y/ThOwaYEIL9I/AAAAAAAAAEs/vun0EO5uSiA/s1600/writers-block-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gMsWL3ZWC0Y/ThOwaYEIL9I/AAAAAAAAAEs/vun0EO5uSiA/s320/writers-block-1.jpg" width="320" /></a>and zest pretty much died. If I were Greek, I guess you could say I'd lost my <i>kefi</i>.<br />
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I want so much get that fire and passion back, but I feel so lost more often than not. You ever feel like you're in a coma and you don't know how to wake up? It's like that. I WANT to write. I've got one story that I've had in the works for the past 2 years. I WANT to finish it. I WANT to actually be able to say that I've finished the writing of a novel I've started. And I WANT to be able to market it to publishing hopefuls.<br />
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And, really, I know I can do it. I just have to DO it. I have to stop psyching myself out. I have to stop giving in to all the internal reasons I have as to why I can't, because even I know that they're bullshit.<br />
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OMG I want so badly to have that amazing ALIVE feeling one gets when they have a story swimming around in their head that just will NOT shut up until it gets written! Hell, when I first had the idea for my Dragon story, I had goosebumps! I'm not even kidding! If I can write it well enough, it just might be a story I can sell and have it be successful!<br />
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So, here's what I want to do:<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ta.thet.net:16080/~Chapin/WebPage/StudentWebPages/Hannah%20Webpages/Images/Plath%20outside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="314" src="http://ta.thet.net:16080/~Chapin/WebPage/StudentWebPages/Hannah%20Webpages/Images/Plath%20outside.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sylvia Plath -- My most favorite poetess</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
1: Limit myself to ONE HOUR of Facebook every day. One hour AT MOST, and that includes any games. <br />
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2: Learn to re-direct myself to more constructive pursuits (be it writing or homework or whatever else) when I feel the itch to just be a lazy person and spend my time on stupid, needless sites.<br />
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3: I want to start doing writing exercises. Until I push myself into better habits, perhaps it's too much to say I want to do one writing exercise per day, but I won't know til I give it a try. <br />
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Wish me luck!<br />
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)O( Morgaine )O(Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-25706434495241463662013-04-17T01:21:00.000-06:002013-04-17T01:21:02.932-06:00Strength to Be Admired, Not Mocked<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
It pretty much goes without saying that everyone has heard about the bombing at the Boston Marathon. I've been making posts about it on my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheOddlyNormalLifeOfAPaganMom" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> and keeping up with the latest news as much as I can. This week has been so chock-full of heartlessness and it's only Tuesday.<br />
<br />
It is bad enough to see the heartlessness, cruelty, and sheer malice of people like the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheOddlyNormalLifeOfAPaganMom/posts/330775193691679?comment_id=1521299&reply_comment_id=1523041&offset=0&total_comments=14&notif_t=share_comment" target="_blank">Westboro Baptist Church</a> and, of course, the person/people who set off the bombs at the Boston Marathon. All that is already so hard to process or understand. Quite frankly, I don't think I ever will. But I saw another outburst of human heartlessness today that was pretty much the last straw for me.<br />
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There is a page I used to follow (which will remain unnamed, unlike the last time I tactlessly mentioned names when on a bit of a rant). I don't remember how long I'd been following this page, but it was a Pagan political page, basically. I don't really know what happened, but I watched that page just go from being a page I enjoyed following, a page who always seemed to know their shit, and it basically became a page where the mod(s) flat-out didn't give a shit about people anymore.<br />
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I'm not quite sure how to describe it, so let me tell what happened:<br />
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A few days ago, a picture was posted on that page. This picture was nothing short of a trainwreck and as I stared at this picture, I was unable to look away and I thought I was going to be sick. This picture was included in a LONG-ass rant about gun legislation (and it was a rant I agreed with, don't get me wrong). This picture had absolutely NO warning with it (no trigger warning, no warning about the graphic nature of the picture, etc.). Just one second you're reading the OP's rant and the next you're getting the most gruesome eyeful of your life.<br />
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This picture was of a man who had been shot in the head with an assault rifle. Anyone who knows the power of an assault rifle can probably well imagine what that single shot did to that man's head. And that's all it took. He was an Iraqi insurgent who was taken out by a sniper. I'm sure that, unfortunately, there's a large number of people who have already seen this image (whether it was because they found it on the original site -- Rotten.com -- or because they saw it posted by the aforementioned page on Facebook) and I cringe to think of how many people on Facebook who were not expecting such a post that might have had PTSD or other such emotional scars.<br />
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Even more concerning was the fact that even with concerns raised, there was no remorse or anything shown.<br />
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Mind you, the main point of the completely angry rage that the mod of this page went into when he/she posted that picture was a point I completely understood. S/he had posted the picture as an example of what a shot from an assault rifle does to a body, specifically an adult body. S/he then finished with pointing out that, if that's what a single shot from an assault rifle does to a grown human, can you imagine what multiple shots from a similar type of rifle would do to a child? S/he was, of course, referencing the massacre at Sandy Hook.<br />
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Again, it was a point that I agreed with completely, but any and all concerns raised with going so far as to share such a picture were completely ignored. Well, not ignored so much as blown off and justified.<br />
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That was off-putting enough, but I just figured that when someone is in a state of mind where they've gotten the straw that broke the camel's back, there's not much room at that moment for concern or tact for the well-being of those who follow your page.<br />
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What can I say? I have a habit of trying to give people the benefit of the doubt.<br />
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However, a post I saw earlier today pretty much squashed any benefit of the doubt I'd tried to give. Again, not giving the name of the page, but here is the status I saw on the page earlier. Read and decide for yourself:<br />
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<b>"to all you super senstive easily offended people with PTSD or any kind of other emotional crap going on; GET THE FUCK OFF THIS PAGE AND GO ELSEWHERE. your whining is not welcome here. we are working on current issues for humanity and on current events and we can not use cry babies here and easily offended people. so please do yourself and us a favor and fuck off and complain elsewhere. i will start banning people that keep flooding this page with their whiney ass crap about what they want to see and not see on here. i do not give a flying fuck. this is my page and i post what i want. end of the story. if you do not like it go elsewhere and start a page where you can post pics of bunnies and kittens and babies or something like this. this page is not it. so fuck off."</b><br />
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I think I stared at this for a good two minutes at least while I tried to process this.<br />
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Please, bear in mind that I am very much an advocate for one having the freedom of speech on their pages. I am a very territorial person and I tend to flip a bit of a bitch too if people try to get nasty with me about things that I post, especially when it's things I post on my personal Facebook concerning my opinions.<br />
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I don't expect my opinions to be agreeable to everyone and, quite often, I'm very blunt about what I think. Truthfully, sometimes I come across like a straight-up bitch, which is something I'm fine with more often than not. But not once have I ever made any such sentiments about the emotional scars of others, not once have I ever mocked those who suffer from PTSD or "any kind of other emotional crap" as being "whiny" or "cry babies".<br />
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It is quite sad how this person seems to equate being horrified by a gruesome picture as being "easily offended".<br />
<br />
This was the reply I made as the page for this blog before I happily excused myself, both the fan page as well as my personal FB, from that page for good:<br />
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<b>"It certainly is your page and you are entitled to post what you like. But, WOW. Mocking people with real issues and saying that they're WHINING???? That's hugely un-cool. Not saying that there aren't people who've done that (I know it happens), but to denounce PTSD as "emotional crap" is just.......wow. I have no words for how hugely unsensitive that is.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Here's a clue: People follow your page because they, overall, like what you have to say. But I don't even ever see you have the decency to post a TRIGGER WARNING for anyone who might be following you that just MIGHT have a bad reaction at seeing some of the shit you post. Wow.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>It's so nice that people like you have never been through something traumatic, but if you're not going to show compassion for those that have and you're just going to act like an insensitive jerk.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>My gods, what if an ex-soldier saw that picture of the guy with his head split open and it triggers HIS/HER PTSD? Do you have any idea of what can happen with that shit? Obviously not.</b><br />
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<b><br /></b>
<b>It's sad that you think that people with emotional scarrings don't care about today's issues. Instead you write them off as "cry babies" and "whiners". That's beyond heartless and that makes you quite pathetic.</b><br />
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<b>Oh, don't worry, I'm outta here. I have lost every ounce of respect for this page that I ever had. This country is not going to progress anywhere so long as there are heartless people like you and my sociopathic ex who don't give a fuck about the feelings of others."</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Sorry. I know there were areas where my grammar absolutely SUCKED; have I mentioned that I am not entirely "with it" when I'm sick? Plus, I was was so upset when I wrote this, I could hardly think straight. One thing, however, that I wish I'd remembered to point out to the person who wrote that gods-awful status:<br />
<br />
<b>"You can't be all pissy over what happened at tragedies like Sandy Hook or the shooting at the Aurora theater if this is how you're going to treat people with PTSD because, quite frankly, that makes you just as much a terrorist as the people who held the guns. How do you know, even, that </b><br />
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<b>you don't have survivors of those situations following your page? What if you did? Would you call them 'whiners' or 'cry babies' then because of their being triggered from your insistence on posting graphic, gruesome photos? Or, permaybehaps, would you actually transform into a decent human being and be considerate of their traumas?"</b><br />
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I so wish I had thought to include that in what I said.<br />
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Make no mistake, I'm not meaning any of this to toot my own horn or anything. The point of this writing is to remind people that examples of utter heartlessness like above are just as much what's wrong with this country as the more blatant displays by the WBC and terrorist bombers. It's simple: If you run a page and you're going to post something that is related to a traumatic trigger, be it visually graphic or of a topic such as rape or abuse or whatever, have the decency to warn your readers.<br />
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Whomever may be reading this, if you suffer from PTSD or other emotional scars from traumas or other things, I want you to know something: Despite what people like that say, you ARE NOT WEAK. YOU ARE NOT A CRY BABY. People like that don't have the faintest idea as to the daily struggle you have. They have no idea of how easily your anxieties are triggered and they ESPECIALLY do not have the slightest clue as to all you've suffered to bring you to this point.<br />
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You are NOT weak. You have far greater strength than people like that ever will have. You have come through your ordeal and you continue to survive. You continue to manage to leave your house, even on your most difficult days, to continue to do the things you need to. That takes more strength than even I can fathom. As I pointed out on the blog Facebook page, I do not suffer PTSD myself, but I know several people who do, including both of my very best friends. The strength they possess to keep on going about their lives is a strength that I have long admired of them. Even the fact that, of course, they still have to get help does not make them weak nor does it make you weak, dear reader.<br />
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If you are reading this and you suffer from issues such as what that person was mocking, don't EVER believe people like that. There are those of us who know better than the insensitive twits like that. We're here and we're rooting for you. Don't let the sad-sack opinions of people like that bring you down.<br />
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I made a bit of a rant on this topic on the Facebook page already, but it wasn't enough to let the pressure off. I did find, however, in one of the comments left on my rant that my earlier comment to that post was deleted. No shock there. However, this person did manage to see it before it was deleted, which prompted her to come to my page. That was something I very much appreciated. No, I was not out to try to steal people from the other page. What I appreciated was the fact that I was not the only one who felt that way about what had been said.<br />
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It will never fail to be a comfort to see those who stand against heartlessness and cruelty, especially within the Pagan community.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44666983202096107.post-4405137471201776382013-04-14T19:27:00.002-06:002013-04-14T19:27:33.338-06:00Sometimes you have to take steps back before you can go forwardAlllllllllllllllrighty. It's been close to a month since I last made a post. >.< I'm at the point where I have no idea where to start to try to tell about everything that's gone on. Hell, I've got a draft post that I still need to finish to tell what's been going on with my Year and a Day class. Yet, that one's been stuck in my Drafts folder for how long? Psh! Almost a month!<br />
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Things have been crazier than usual. One of the biggest things I've been dealing with is being sick. I caught the crud from my kiddoes and it has been kicking my butt all over the place. I finally went to be seen at the ER last night because I wanted to be sure it wasn't turning into something serious (my biggest worry was pneumonia). Thankfully, I just have a respiratory infection which the Z-pack I was prescribed should have it taken care of in no time. ^_^<br />
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The other big thing (aside from trying to get caught up on schoolwork) is that Druid and I have, basically, broken up for the time being. We have had a lot of residual things, resentments, building up against each other. We had a huge blow-out about a week & 1/2 ago (give or take) and, once we finally started talking constructively together, Druid suggested that we just live as friends/roommates for the time being and to try to work our issues out that way -- try to rebuild a friendship between us and work our problems out under that much more relaxed atmosphere since we just didn't seem to know how to work out our problems as a couple.<br />
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*sigh* Sooooooooooo, yeah. I think Druid's idea was a good one. I think it will do us a lot of good to take this step back and to just chill, but there are things even then that make my heart ache. But I'm not going to get into all that on here. Not yet, anyway.<br />
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I've missed a couple Year and a Day classes because of being sick and there's not going to be any class tomorrow (thank gods) because Greyhart's got something else going on. I say "thank gods" because that'll give me some more time to recoup before the next class so that I shouldn't be a coughing fit mess like I was at the last class I attended.<br />
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I have been LOVING the classes! It's been a long time since I've written anything about them and I'm sorry for that, but they have been awesome! Greyhart is a kickass teacher who doesn't shy away at pushing us to break through our comfort zones. At the last class I attended, we were still playing around with energy and what not (casting circle and what not). I had comfort zone issues with being put on the spot (no shocker there). It wasn't so bad when I was just casting a regular circle. In fact, I got compliments on the last one I cast, which thrilled the hell out of me! My first one was quite weak because I wasn't drawing in from the energy around me and, instead, was just trying to use my personal power, which was meager at best because of being sick. My second one was better, but my last one was a lot more like what it should be.<br />
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However, he also showed us how to make circles that would move with us and that is where I pretty much blithered out from being so self-conscious. The circle I cast was good, but then I pretty much shut down after that. Greyhart, though, was very patient and didn't let me off the spot until I got over myself enough to relax and follow his instructions. I hope that I'll be in much better shape when the next class comes around.<br />
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All, in all, that's a little nutshell of all that's been going on. Any prayers and positive energy that y'all would be willing to send for Druid and I in hopes that we'll be able to patch things up to a more healthy level would be much appreciated!<br />
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)O( Morgaine )O(Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07316989067252410666noreply@blogger.com2