I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This Year

Thursday, August 07, 2014

I'm sorry for my long absence this year.  I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging.  Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish.  I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.

My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself.  But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous.  Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.

I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like.  April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system.  I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok.  I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.

When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else?   However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am.  The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him.  Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself.  There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return.  It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.

At least I can take responsibility for myself.  It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore.  And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him.  No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance.  And the funny thing?  She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc.  He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me.  Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it.  To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy.  It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.

I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs.  When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine.  When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc.  And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again.  But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are?  It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.

When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life.  And I flat-out told him I was done.  It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore.  Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died.  What can I say?  Double standards have that effect on me.  Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.

So, that's that.

I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life.  My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to.  I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids.  I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man).  If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes.  If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes.  It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve.  We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.

So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point.  My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here.  My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through.  She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless.  My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok.  The Goddess has brought us through.  Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better.  I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that.  :-)  These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything.  Is life perfect right now?  No, not even close.  But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her.  Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!

The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me.  The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)


Anne Basso said...

It sounds like it's been a very intense year for you. But if there's one thing we Pagans know, it's that every ending, begins a rebirth. And the rebirth, now that is exciting. I'm still reading, whenever you decide to write.


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