The Last Day of 2013's Warpath

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Seeing a lot of different blogger's farewell to this year, I see I'm not the only one who had, bluntly speaking, a severely shitty year.  Like so many others, this year brought insane amounts of change, heartache, heartBREAK, and even renewal.

This year saw the ending of mine and Druid's relationship, our struggle to maintain a friendship, our respective losses of going to college due to different complications arising, the loss of our apartment.  My kids lost having their Daddy so close by since Druid had to go to Florida.  This year has seen us homeless yet kept from drowning entirely.  If my parents hadn't helped me as much as they did, I really don't know where we would be right now.

This year I have had love come and go and come again.  I had been inexplicably abandoned only to have someone else amazing come into my life.  I'm not gonna lie: I still grieve for the one who left, but I'm still very thankful for the one who is here.  There is still the occasional wistful wishing that things had turned out differently.  Especially right now as, had things not gone all clusterfucked as they did and had he not disappeared on me, we had planned for me to fly to Michigan to see him for a week this Saturday.  I think that ache lingers still because of the lack of closure.  Every day is an exercise in continuing to let go and move on with my life but part of me will always love him.

As for the one who is in my life now, he is wonderful.  He has been a soothing balm in more ways than I can express.  Because of him, life has taken on a tinge of hope that I haven't seen in a long time.  Because of him, my kids and I have had the best Christmas we've had in years, and I'm not talking from a materialistic aspect.  Getting to spend the holidays in the loving company of him and his kids has kinda renewed my liking of Christmas after so many Christmases that were more misery and loneliness than anything.

This year also saw the final loss of someone I had considered to be one of my very best friends.  The kind of person she ultimately proved herself to be was vindictive and toxic and flat-out miserable.  Instead of just walking away and moving on with her life as I was more than content to do at the end, she elected to, once again, try to sabotage my life by attempting to ruin my relationship with E, tried to trash my honor to him, tried to get him to believe that I'm a child abuser, said the most eye-poppingly vile things to E when he called her on her bullshit, sold me out yet again to my ex-husband (long story) and yet she has the nerve to call herself a Pagan.  SMH  (I say that scoffingly because she's one of the ones who claims to abide by the "Harm None" thing)

It's a real pity when people feel the need to take such horrid actions.  But it speaks way more about them than it does about the people that they're trying to destroy and, ultimately, people like her just end up staying down in their miserable filth and all the bad Karma they've brought upon themselves.

It really is sad because I loved her like a sister, took a lot of shit from Druid because I wanted to believe the best about her but, in the end, it turns out he was right about her all along.  I don't like it when people turn out to not be worth the faith that I invest in them.  I'm not meaning any of this as though I'm all shiny or anything, 'cause I'm not.  But I never should have let her back into my life.

A couple days ago I was watching a documentary on Netflix about the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  I'd remembered hearing at the time that it actually happened that the earthquake was so strong that it actually affected the earth's tilt on its axis by about 10 inches and caused the earth to spin about a second or so faster.  Metaphorically speaking, that's what it feels like the events of 2013 have done to my life.  The changes were so quick, so violent and wrenching even, that my world has shifted on its axis.  This year was my 9 earthquake.  My world fell apart all around me, but even then, not everything was hopeless.

I got knocked down, I grieved, and then I did my best to keep going like so many other people have this year.  I dare say that 2013 was a 9 earthquake for a lot of people.  So many shitty things happened, but there were still good things too.

So now this last day of 2013, a Super Moon new moon awaits to greet us into 2014.  Today is a day for letting go of what's gone and for looking forward to the prosperity that lies ahead.  I really hope that 2014 goes WAAAAAAAAAAY better than 2013 did!  And I'm sure I'm not the only one with that hope  :3

Happy New Year!

44 DoW Day 9 -- A Favorite Mythological Animal

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Hmmmm......I guess I have a slight issue with the word "mythological".  Don't get me wrong, I understand what they're asking, but the word "mythological", to me, implies that the creatures lumped into that category don't exist -- that they're just the products of someone's imagination that wove them into tales and legends.

I can just imagine the "well, duh!" stares I might be getting from whomever reads this.  But please bear in mind:  whether you believe me or not, I originated as an Elf and the realm I came from had these "imaginary" creatures.  Dragons, Unicorns, Pegasi, you name it, we probably had them in our area or knew where you could go to see one.  But even then, these creatures weren't "animals" like humans tend to view animals here.  Here, animals generally tend to be seen as "inferior".  A crap-ton of humans don't even think that animals have souls, arrogantly thinking that only humans go to the after-life, etc.  Animals are thoughtlessly murdered, some to the point or almost to the point of extinction, for absolutely macabre trophies and the rest of their remains are left behind to go to waste.  And yes, I know that the wasteful trophy hunting is something that has become highly discouraged, but it still happens.  I have no problems with a hunter who takes down a deer so long as the meat is properly dealt with (but I think keeping a kill's decapitated head is horrendously disgusting and is not unlike the old practice of putting a beheaded person's head on a spike).  Hell, even there we hunted.  But every kill was valued and treated with respect and none of it went to waste.

Where I come from, though, the creatures -- from the more fantastical to the more "mundane" -- are more sentient.  I don't mean that in terms as to say that they could all talk the way the more humanoid races could.  But we just all understood each other.  Elves there are more connected to nature in a way that humans here (generally speaking) would never understand.  We could listen to their vocals and understand what they were saying much in the same way that that Shaun Ellis (aka the Wolf man) understands wolves.  In fact, personally, if that dude isn't Other or Therian in some form or fashion, I'd be massively surprised.  But that's just me.

Eye contact with the creatures would often times allow for a telepathic link if the creature would allow it and if the creature was willing to take that trust and bond further, the link could be kept open even without looking.  There was a pack of wolves that lived in the area of my village that had that kind of bond with us.  They'd even let us run with them when we were Shifted.  But, as much as we Elves had that kinship with nature, don't let that fool you into thinking that all creatures allowed such a bond with us.  That wolf pack was the only one out of 2 - 4 others that allowed that mental link.

Dragons were more sentient.  They could be tricky to deal with -- great care had to be taken not to accidentally say something offensive, but more often than not, our dealings and relationships with them were friendly.  One of my best friends over there was a Dragon and he was one of the ones who enjoyed taking a humanoid form from time to time (not all of them would, but a decent number of them would do so, especially if they needed to come into my village).  I daresay that that's one of the reasons I've had such a love of Dragons (about as far back as I can remember) and why I connected with the Fire Element so well as mentioned in previous posts.  In fact, it has often crossed my mind that the Dragon that comes when I call upon South in ritual is, in fact, my Dragon friend from Over There  :)

Anyway.  I've massively digressed.  I have many favorite creature types and while many of them don't physically exist in those forms in this realm, they're no more imaginary than the chair I'm currently sitting on.

44 Days of Witchery Day 8: A Photo of a Magical Place Outdoors

Missed my DoW post for yesterday.  Luckily, it's pretty easy to make up for that.

I took this picture last Fall at the Cold Springs Campground -- one of the few times I was able to get out into nature like this while I was back home  *wistful sigh*

When I was there, at last getting to roam the woods like I'd been wanting to so badly and soaking up the Autumn brilliance, the energy of the forest was so welcoming and cozy to me.  I don't know how else to put it.  It was healing getting to meander among the trees.  I miss it there.

This is an especially bittersweet post to write.  Two years ago today I woke up for my first morning back home in Colorado.  I didn't care that we were starting out living in a motel.  I was getting to look out my window and see the mountains again.  After almost 6 years trapped endlessly in Oklahoma and no mountains in sight, getting to see the Front Range was something that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes.  And when it snowed two days after coming back home?  Oh, dear gods, I was absolutely giddy!!  It felt like the Goddess was welcoming me home!  It felt like She had understood my homesickness and the snow was Her homecoming present to me.

Now I'm in the desert and gods, I miss my Colorado like frikkin' hell!  I don't regret the reasons I came here. Not at all.  But that doesn't stop my heart from aching for home.  The desert has its own beauty to it and at least there are still mountains in view here.  But they're not mountains I can go to to roam.  I don't want to tippy-toe through saguaro forests.  Still, though, I'm grateful to have mountains to look at.  I'm trying to recognize the natural beauty here, but for an Elf who feels most at home in lush forests, it's difficult to see the desert as anything but desolate.

I think about my favorite park back home, remembering getting to sit under the enormous tree that gave wonderful shade during the summer, and I think of how much I'm going to miss wriggling my bare feet in the soft, plush grass while watching my kids playing on the playground.  That was beyond heavenly for me.  That park was my favorite place to go to get a good dose of Nature in the city.  And gods, I miss it.

I Choose

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning.  See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around.  Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far.  Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in.  Hasn't worked.

My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place.  Last night it was with dealing with their homework.  Oh. My. Goddess.  My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are.  *twitch*   Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.


Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing.   And this morning wasn't very good either.  It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around.  -_-  This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night.  Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.


Sage didn't know where his coat was and Rain had her homework stuff all over the place and didn't have her shoes or socks where they were supposed to be, so she couldn't find them.  *twitch twitch*  Frustration, once again, got the better of me and it ended up being just a really shitty morning.  More yelling, more deep breathing to try to calm myself down that didn't work, etc.  Yay! -_-  Not.

I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame.  I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief.  While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner.

I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room.  I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart).  Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready.  Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag.

"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me.  I choose to not yell.  I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me.  I choose to be more patient."  I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip.  When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out.  I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.

As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more.  I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper.  But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity.  So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."

I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods.   I lit the Pine.  "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine."  I lit the two brown candles, saying both times  "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."

After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.

As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy.  There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise.  Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do.  A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges.  Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do.  So they kinda have to watch their step.  Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home.  Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).

We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop.  Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home.  And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.

I don't know.  It's different for everyone.

I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often.  Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break.  I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me.  I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.

Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room.  It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable.  Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids.  I feel completely out of control and powerless.  Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children.  HELL no.  I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.

I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled.  Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm.  Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.

Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent.  I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better.  I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong.  I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!"  -_-  Seriously?  It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.

But my children know that I love them.  The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.

Making mistakes does not make us bad parents.  Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.

And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day.  :-)

Resurrecting the 44 DoW -- Day 7: Air Element

Monday, December 16, 2013

ZOMG!!!!  Giving the 44 Days of Witchery another shot, but I'm not starting it over from scratch.  What's the point?  I might do another post for "Favorite Goddess" but that's about as far back as I feel the need to re-visit.  Otherwise I'd just basically have repeat posts and, well, I just don't feel like doing that.  :3

Soooooooooo, trying to get this going again, Day 7's prompt is Air Element.  Of course.  Of course the prompt to pick up where I left off would be something where I'm just kinda drawing a blank on what to say.  *facepalm*

I found a purrtyful peekture all artsy-like of the Air Element on Google  :-D

Credit for image goes to CristaliaART
Ok.  So some general basics that most Pagans would know by now (excluding newbies, of course, in which case I hope that this helps in any way ^_^)

The following info for the Air Correspondences is taken from Ellen Dugan's book "Elements of Witchcraft: Natural Magick for Teens" and, of course, all credit goes to her.

Air Correspondences

Direction:  East

Color:  Yellow

Time of Day:  Sunrise

Places:  High places, such as mountaintops, meadows, and windy plains

Witch's Tool:  Wand

Deities:  Aradia, Aphrodite, Arianrhod, Butterfly Woman (Native American), Eros, Mercury, Nut, Psyche, the Sky Father

Animals:  Birds and flying insects -- bees, butterflies, dragonflies, and ladybugs

Elemental Beings:  Faeries, sylphs, and flower faeries

Magicks Include:  Creativity, knowledge, study, and change

Natural Representations Include:  Feathers, flowers, oils, perfumes, and incense smoke


The element of Air also rules over three signs of the Zodiac:  Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra.  Common traits that vary in degree between the three are being more mentally-driven than emotional, very intellectual, and tend to be flexible and open to change.  These three are very chatty (I should know -- I'm a Gemini cusp and my Moon is in Libra) and could talk your ears off for hours if you let them.  Basically, a lot of their common traits are, for lack of a better word, quite airy.  Conversations, life decisions, etc. often end up being things that are flitted to from one thing to the next with very little warning.  "Wherever the wind blows you", in my opinion, was a phrase probably coined for an Air sign  ;-)   LoL   Actually, I don't know that for sure or anything, but it definitely fits! 

Updating the Website

Sunday, December 15, 2013

It had been around 6 months since I last even glanced in the general direction of my website (Morgaine's Witchy Cottage) much less done anything with it.  That's something I would like to keep up with better too as I keep in the mindset of trying to keep up with my goals.

I posted a couple of updates in the Site News section of the Home page and added a little blog section -- My Tarot Journey -- in the Book of Shadows area for keeping a log of my (hopefully) daily Tarot readings/daily card pull/etc.  *crossing fingers*  

I hope y'all don't mind checking out my website.  It still has a long ways to go to be more fleshed out with the info I want to have on there, but I'm pleased just to have blown the dust off it a bit and to have added to it what I have.  :-)

A New Year Approaches

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

For sure this has, in many ways, been a lack-luster year for me personally.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for what I have accomplished.  I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to continue my Year and a Day class, but at least that falling through wasn't due to my lack of follow-through.  However, the things that I am disappointed about are due to that.

Excerpt from my personal journal to explain:   "I've been feeling a huge pull to do the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge (we'll see how that goes) and to actually finish the 44 Days of Witchery challenge on my much-neglected blog. Sadly, I have yet to actually have the discipline and follow-through to finish any of the challenges I've started out doing. >.< Seriously frikkin' sad, I know. That's something else I want to improve upon: actually finishing the things I start instead of always fading out a few days in.
A new year is rapidly approaching which means that a new Pagan Blog Project challenge will be starting. Should be easy, right? One blog post a week? This year will be my 3rd attempt. I'd really like for it to be the charm.

I think the only thing I've ever really successfully finished was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo back in '09. I had actually started late -- 7 days late to be precise -- but I plugged away at it and actually won! That was my only win out of my NaNo attempts and I didn't even try this year or last year. This November I really don't have any reason to not go for it. This year I was still homeless and last year I was in school.

But I hate the fact that I'm so wishy-washy. I do want to become more disciplined at finishing things I start. I think that is my biggest resolution for the coming year. If I do the 365 Days of Tarot, I want to finish it. If I re-start the 44 Days of Witchery, I want to finish it. If I start the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge, I want to finish it. And, really, I know that there's no real reason that I can't accomplish these things. I know it. It's just me having gotten in my own way in times past. And I know it doesn't have to be that way."

I know, overall, it's not hard to do these things on a daily basis.  It's just a matter of actually kicking myself in the ass to do so.  Perhaps if I can get myself into a more school-minded way of thinking I'll be more motivated.  Give myself deadlines and treat these goals like they're school assignments -- they have to be done, non-optional.

I'll see what I can do for entries for the 44 Days of Witchery (I'm just going to continue where I left off -- no point in basically having repeat entries if I can help it) and for the 30 Days of Otherkin.  I dunno if I'll make those entries here, though.  We'll see.

My big thing at the moment, though, is trying to find a way to do the Tarot every day.  One of my friends on Instagram has done the aforementioned 365 Tarot challenge and that's all well and good.  I'd like to do that too, but I'd like to find a way to approach it that will best have me getting acquainted with my Tarot deck.  I'd like to find a set of daily exercises I can do.  If anyone reading this has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.  :-)   In the meantime, I will try to get in a good habit of drawing a card every morning and logging the meaning from the book.  It's a start, right?

Trying to Crawl Out of the Pit

Friday, November 15, 2013

I don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page.  I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on.  There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.

Basically, life has crumbled around me.  Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness.  It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start.  I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to.  Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know.  Mean and not very mature.  Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida.  My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job.  Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family.  The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet.  Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay.  Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)

But change is on the horizon.  I'm not going to go into details about that just yet.  Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere.  Cryptic, I know!  ^_^  But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!

In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes.  Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me.  Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad  :-(   But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me!  I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done.  He's an extraordinary teacher!

I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"

I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now:  This woman is already my hero!  Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy!  We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from!  I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process.  I entirely admire her fortitude!

It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation.  And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort.  I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own.  I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it.  A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it.   I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.

And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday.  So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires.  And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole.  Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence.  And I don't really have any excuse.  I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up.  It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.

This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on.  I am lazy.  I get bogged down far too easily.  Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily.  And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began.  Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed.   I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care.  And the same happened with my spirituality.  I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher.   However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken.   And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back.   Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.

I do want that to stop.  I really do.  And I know it's up to me.  It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey.  It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again.  It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire.  And I do desire these goals, I really do!

I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published!  I do desire so much to be a Priestess!  I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it!  Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!

These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier.  In fact, it's going to make it more difficult.  I won't have a teacher anymore.  I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own.  Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.

Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to.  I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there.  I do.  I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do.  It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!

However, talk is cheap.  Especially coming from me on these things.  I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to.  But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it.  And I do want to be a do-er.

*deep breath*

Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?!  :-)

Peeping Out of My Rabbit Hole

Monday, August 19, 2013

Wow.  Somehow I didn't even realize how long it's been since I last updated!  o.O  And my Goddess, the dust bunnies have taken over as though it's still Ostara!  LoL!

Sadly, even now, I find myself at a loss of what to write about.  I think it's pretty obvious I gave up on the PBP for this year.  Maybe next year I'll actually keep up with it, but I'm honestly not holding my breath at the moment.  >.<

Honestly, y'all, things have been really hard for me these past several months.  In the wake of Druid and I breaking up -- at first only to try to approach and fix our relationship from a "just friends" angle only for it to become a "broken up for good" thing back in early June -- I pretty much lost all inspiration to write.  I haven't even done writing exercises or anything this past summer.  I'm not gonna lie: I still hurt but I know that, really, there's just no way for him and I to work out, so I've been having to figure out how to get past this.  It's difficult given that he and I will still be living together until our current lease is concluded at the beginning of June.  I still love him, but I'm working on letting him go.  Most days we manage to get along just fine as friends, which is fine.  Most days I do fine and the hurt is just a mild ache.  But I still have days where the hurt is just as fresh as the day I realized that there is just no going back for us.

*sigh*  And I've pretty much neglected the Facebook page about as badly as I've neglected the blog.  I'm hoping to get back into gear with both the blog and the page soon.  It really is about time I just suck it up and come out of my rabbit hole.

My Year and a Day classes have been going well.  It amazes me, when I look back, to realize that my Year and a Day is about halfway over!  o.O  Where has the time gone?!?!  Currently we're discussing the Sabbats.  Last week we discussed Imbolc and tonight we will be discussing Ostara (which reminds me!  I need to do some research about Ostara before class tonight!  Meep!) such as what it's about and why it's celebrated.  I know some basic info, of course, but I need to do some research so I can give my teacher the more in depth answers he's looking for -- something I admittedly bombed on last week *guilty grin*

Before now, we'd been studying the Elementals and calling upon them -- I connect really well with Fire and my Dragon Friend shows up every time I call for Him.  ^_^  I still need to practice calling the other Elementals and working on making my connection with them stronger.

Last Full Moon we did our first full-on ritual and it went really well  :-)   I called Fire, J called Water, S called Earth, and Greyhart called Air.  We did the ritual to honor Hera and Zeus.  It was a seriously cool ritual!  I'd go into more detail, but that will have to wait.  Again, I got homework to do before class.  LoL!

Overall, that's pretty much the past couple of months in a nutshell.  I'm getting by and learning how to heal.  Part of me balks at the idea of ever being in a relationship again (and, really, who doesn't go through that feeling when they get out of a toxic relationship?).  Part of me feels like I'm just too damaged to ever be good enough for anybody, so why should I try?  But the other part of me knows that, while I'm not perfect, I'm not as crappy a girlfriend as I perceive myself.  I made mistakes.  I was a total bitch sometimes.  I had my times where I was selfish and not as considerate as I should have been.  I had times where depression spirals turned me into a person I could barely recognize much less like.  But, at the heart of it, I know I still tried even though my efforts went largely unappreciated and unnoticed by him.

Sorry.  I know that probably sounded self-pitying as all hell.  >.<  I don't mean to sound that way and I'm not even feeling self-pitying, honestly.  Just simply stating facts.  *shrug*    Oh well.   We'll see what the future brings.  In the meantime, any healing and positive energy that y'all could send my way would be most appreciated!

)O(  Morgaine )O(

Year and a Day Class: Working With the Fire Elementals

Thursday, June 06, 2013

This past Monday's class was AWESOME!

We've been working on calling and banishing the quarters.  We've worked with first Earth, then Air, and then we worked with Fire last night (and next week will be Water).  I'm still working on gaining confidence in what I'm doing (which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- we're only close to 4 months in to the Year and a Day), so my attempts at evoking first Earth and then Air were.....well, they weren't as good as I COULD have done.  However, Greyhart did something different last night.

In order to get us acquainted with the Fire Realm of the Fire Elementals, he had us do a meditation.  I was actually surprised at how mine went.

First, he lit a jar candle after making the room quite dark, and then had Jason and I close our eyes.  He purposefully kept descriptives vague as he guided us down the start of a path so that we would be allowed to see for our own selves what the Fire Realm looked like without any outside influence.

As I went down this path, I found myself in a bright, arid desert.  Normally, I don't like deserts.  Barring the occasional visits to Mesa, Arizona to visit my grandparents for Christmas or Spring Break when the desert temperatures weren't nearly so unpleasant, I loved seeing the saguaro in bloom and I loved the desert sunrises and sunsets.  But that was about it.

In this desert, heat waves radiated off the ground and while I was sweating like crazy and the heat was uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as other places I've been (such as the Mojave on the way toward San Diego or Los Angeles in September when I was 15 -- OMMFG!!!!  It was so hot there, the air seemed hardly breathable!).  There was a certain life to this heat.  I don't know how to word it.

Anyway, as I continued, I came over a hill and I saw a Dragon.  He had the boxy-shaped head similar to a Chinese dragon, but he wasn't as slender as one.  He looked at least the size of a hippopotamus but still had the classic Dragon serpentine grace.  He wasn't made of scales.  He was living fire and he was going around burning things.  He was setting trees on fire and other things and it seemed to be for no apparent reason.
Before I thought the better of it, I walked down the hill toward the Dragon.  At first I was afraid he would burn me too when he turned, saw me, and stopped what he was doing.  Though there were no actual "eyeballs" in that draconian head, his gaze still struck me as being extremely curious.  "Why are you doing this?" I asked.  "Why are you burning everything?"

"It's my job to," he said simply.

I felt hesitant to say that I didn't understand.  Long have I loved Dragons, but even I know better than to annoy one.  Still, he took the lost look on my face in stride."I bring about endings and, in those endings, I bring about beginnings.  What I do here is what is done in your world.  What I burn here burns over there and as I do so, things begin again from the fertile soil of destruction.  I clear out the cluttered undergrowth that prohibits growth and I make way for healthy beginnings."

I pondered this for a moment.  It made sense.  It's not the first time I've heard of fires being set for the sole purpose of preserving the health of a forest.  In fact, the first time I heard about this was when my parents and I visited Sequoia National Forest.  The guide explained that every so often, a particular section of the forest is set afire to burn away undergrowth and cause fallen pinecones to release their seeds so that new trees will grow."If you so wish, I can do the same for you."  That statement startled me.  He told me that, basically, he could help me to burn away the old so that the new could start, which would help me to discover who I really am.  He gave me a bump on the shoulder with his snout before sauntering off to continue his work.

The next thing I knew, Greyhart's voice was calling us back, coaxing us to come back down the path out of the Fire Realm.  When we got back, he asked us to tell him of what we saw.  When Jason and I finished regaling him with our adventures, Greyhart asked us how long we thought we'd been there.

In my head I knew it had to be a mere amount of minutes, but as I thought of all I'd seen and the conversation with the Dragon that I'd had, it FELT like I'd been there at least an hour.

"I watched the clock while you guys were gone and you were gone for exactly 3 minutes."   He went on to explain that time in the other realms ran differently than they do here.  This is something I already knew, but still.  It was good to talk about.  He also asked us how we moved around in the Fire Realm.  "I started out walking when you were guiding us down the path, but when I got there, all I really had to do was think 'I'd like to be over there' and there I was.  Hell, it didn't even really take a thought."   'Cause when I thought about it, I didn't remember doing much walking.  I'd start to walk in a particular direction, but then I'd just be there in the blink of an eye and it didn't even dawn on me how "abnormal" that is.

"The laws of locomotion also don't apply the same as they do here.  It's different wherever you go," he explained.  He also expressed how pleased he was by the fact that we'd not only found the Fire Realm but that some of the creatures there had actually talked to us.

Finally, we got to the part of the evening where we practiced summoning Fire Elementals.  Naturally, because of my shy preference to let other people go before me so as to get an idea of how I want to do something, Greyhart had me go first.  Oh goody!  Maybe someday I'll get over that awkwardness of being thrown in the pool to swim first.  LoL!

Anyway, so my first attempt kinda fizzled.  The being that came through was kinda puny and its energy sputtered a bit.  It kinda felt like I'd started to bring over something of decent size but then just ended up with a fistful of fur.  Does that make any sense?   Even Greyhart, from where he sat on the couch, gave me a rather bemused look like "Really? Surely you can do better."

He stood from the couch, had me face back toward the south, put his hands on my shoulder blades to help me ground for a moment, and then told me to envision that that portal path to the Fire Realm again.  I can't remember all of what he said, but at one particular thing he said, I saw the path burst into flames on either side as it shot the rest of the way into the Fire Realm.  As soon as I felt that, I knew exactly who I wanted to find and it didn't take me but a moment.  Standing not too far away from the portal entrance was my Dragon friend.  I felt a swell of joy that he was there.  In the moments before I said the words to call him to my circle, the Dragon had already said he would come.

"Hail to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the South. I call you forth to be a guard unto my circle. Be here now."   As I said that last while drawing a Pentagram in the air, I felt a ripple of energy shoot from my chest and I knew he was there.  I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes again to look back at Greyhart.

His eyes were wide.  "Damn!"  Jason's eyes were quite wide as well.  Greyhart asked him to tell us what he felt.

"What she called through made itself small enough to fit into the room, but I can tell it's A LOT bigger than that.  I can feel the heat emanating from the south.  I seriously feel like I'm standing next to a furnace.  When it came through, I felt like I was within feet of one of those pyrotechnic torches that they use for special effects."

That thrilled me enough, but Greyhart's words sent me straight into elation.  He basically gave me major props.  He said that that was my best conjuration ever, it was FAR BETTER than the ones I did for Air and Earth previously.  He even said that the Dragon was the biggest Elemental that had ever been called in his house.

Seriously, while he was telling me all this, I just wanted to do a friggin' happy dance.  ^_^  The crowning point was when he told me that this is why he'd taken me on as a student -- because he'd seen my potential for doing magick like this.  "You keep doing what you just did and, someday when you're leading ritual, people are gonna notice and feel what you're doing and they're gonna want to know how you did that."I thought my face was gonna crack.  ^_^

At last, when I sent the Dragon back home, I silently thanked him for coming before saying the words to send him home.  After he left, the temperature in the room, though it had been hot from the get-go and had gotten even hotter when the Dragon arrived, went back down by a noticeable degree and I felt like I was walking on air.

Book Review: "Not My Mother: A Memoir"

Saturday, June 01, 2013

This most recent Mother's Day was one of the best I'd had in years! For one thing, I had just accomplished my divorce finally after almost 5 years!  That alone was enough to have me completely cheerful even though, for the most part, Mother's Day passed pretty much like any other day, as usual.  I'm still learning to remind myself to be thankful when days like that pass without much acknowledgment.  And, this time, even when I felt slightly melancholy, all I had to do was remember that 1. I am officially free to move on with my life and 2. I have my kids.  ^_^

Well, there was something else that I got that made Mother's Day a particularly lovely one: A new book.  Believe me, I will NEVER scoff at getting a new book, especially when I'm able to get it for free! I was looking at posts by blogs that I follow here on Blogger and I spied a post on Laura DeLuca's blog where she was promoting a book called "Not My Mother: A Memoir", saying that it could be gotten for free on Amazon for Mother's Day only.

Again: Like I'm going to turn down a free book?  Not on your life!

I didn't really know much about this book when I hit the button that would have it magically delivered to my Kindle.  I knew from the brief description that the author had been through a LOT of abuse -- from her parents especially, including incest. I didn't fully read the description until after I'd received it and read it, actually.

I've read memoirs from abuse survivors before (such as "Step On a Crack, You Break Your Father's Back" -- the heart-wrenching life of Vanessa Morelli Ferris) and they're not an easy thing to read, especially if you tend toward an empathic nature.

Ashley Rae presents her story in a poignantly real fashion.  One of the hugely remarkable differences I found while reading this is that even when she speaks of the abuse she was put through by her parents and by other people, while she conveys the pain it caused, she remains miraculously free of the hate that might have taken down a weaker person.

The book starts with a memory of being with her mother, who was left quite disfigured after a murder attempt made by Ashley's biological father when she was very young. Her mother was concerned that Ashley would be embarrassed to be seen with her.  The tender-while-rough first glimpse Ashley gives us of her mother becomes hard to reconcile with the raging woman spoken of later in the book who wielded a knife at her own daughter.  And, all the while, Ashley worries she will turn out to be abusive to her own child as her mother was to her.

The book is presented in a skillfully-non-linear fashion as Ashley takes us from the first moment she discovered her pregnancy through birth, giving us glimpses of her past in well-told flashbacks.  My heart wrenched repeatedly for Ashley as she gave the details of what people had done to her as well as the struggles she had to go through to overcome, learn to forgive, and learn to find her strength to not be the doormat to these people again.

At one point she detailed a falling out with someone who had been a very close friend and as I read the details of this friend's dire hatefulness in the end, it hit very close to home as I have had similar experiences with past friends too.

One of my very favorite things about this book is that Ashley writes with zero pretense.  She does not put on a show for you.  She has no qualms in writing about things that might embarrass other writers to reveal, and for that, I would trust her far more easily than others.  Anyone who can write about the hilarity of uncontrollable bodily functions and not bat an eye while you're left collapsing in laughter over the droll wording has my utter confidence.  Not many people would have the stones to even go there.  It was things like that, as well as her unflinching revealing of her own characteristic short-comings that had me exclaiming many times throughout the book  "My gods, I would so hang out with her!"

Reading her book was like reading the book of someone I'd known all my life.  It was like reading the words of my two very best friends in the entire world.  She doesn't write in a way that makes her seem unapproachable.  If I were to see her on the street after reading this, I, admittedly, would still probably want to squeal a bit, but I could also picture hanging out with her and chatting over a cup of tea or coffee.  Plus, I have to admit, it was extremely refreshing to see the survivor's tale written from the perspective of a fellow Pagan and to see how she leaned on her faith to get past all she'd been through.

I give this book a very enthusiastic 5 Stars and I would very highly recommend this book to every Pagan I can think of.  Plus, as she details in the Afterword, 10% of all the proceeds of this book goes to help the son of a very dear late friend of hers.

Seriously guys, this book is a very worthy buy all around.  Not only are you getting a great read, but you're also contributing to a wonderful cause.

You can find this book on Amazon here, you can check out Ashley's personal website here, and you can find her on Facebook here and her book's Facebook page here.

Whoops! It's Been a While!

So sorry it's been so long since I last wrote!

Just a few days after Holly came into our family I re-started my job at McDonald's and it's been craziness ever since.  First of all, Holly is doing awesome!  She has really come out of her shell over the past few weeks and she's gotten more confident to come out of my bedroom and be around all of us without freaking out.  She's getting along really well with the kids to where she lets them pet her and play with her.  ^_^  And, as I sit here typing this, she is snoozing quite contentedly next to me on the couch (oop! Now she's snuggled on my chest).  <3<3<3<3<3  Every day she's exhibited more and more of the personality traits from her last life while still maintaining her different individuality in this life and I could seriously burst with how happy I am to have her with me again!

For instance, like Tippy, she'll come trotting right to me when I call her name and she'll be meowing all the way.  That was one of my most favorite things about Tippy's personality when she was in that life.  I love my little kitty friend so much!

Let's see....what else?  I turned 30 a couple weeks ago (oh joy!).   I'm not as bothered by it as I thought I would be, but just wait til I start getting significantly closer to 40.  We'll see how much bitching I do about that milestone!  LoL!

Regarding my job, I can't say I'm overly thrilled about it, but I'm still thankful for it.  I'm thankful for the extra money and I still manage to enjoy it most of the time.  There's just the occasional rough patch where I'm having to deal with bitchy co-workers, which I find to be worse than rude customers.  Hell, just the other day I was working the morning shift and this one chick  was just......well, lemme put it this way: I was THIS CLOSE to asking her if she needed to change her tampon.  I'm still getting used to being back at McDonald's and trying to find my multi-tasking groove (which I've not had much of in the first place) and I was helping with Drive-Thru.  Well, apparently my multi-tasking skills aren't as good as hers which, she felt, meant that it was ok for her to treat me like an inferior plebian piece of trash.

Finally, when she decided to snappishly demand my headset and shove me off to other duties, I had it.  "There's no need to be rude!" I barked.  She and another co-worker tried to justify it because of my, apparent, ineptness to do the job to their satisfaction.  "Huh uh!" I snapped.  "I don't care! I'm trying my best and this is only my second week back on the job, so can it!"   I decided a long time ago that I won't be treated like anybody's bitch.  

That's not to say that I don't understand the frustration they were feeling, but even T knew that I was new back on the job.  I wanted to smack her the worst because SHE KNEW.

Meh.  So, it took me a little while to get past that bad mood.  Admittedly, one of the things that cheered me up a bit was watching A get her Karma.  That morning was heavy with rain and, while I was sequestered off in an out-of-the-way corner of the Drive-Thru to just take orders for one of the Drive-Thru lanes (fine by me), I watched A suddenly have to deal with a leak in the ceiling right above where she was taking orders for the other lane and dealing with some of the drink orders.  I admit, every time she wailed about getting dripped on and futilely searched for a way to shield herself from the drips, I giggled a bit.  Still, I reminded myself not to be TOO gleeful lest Karma hike a brow in my direction.  I took a few (smirking) deep breaths, turned back to my business, and ignored everything else to do with it.

But, barring all that, my job has been alright.  :-)  Barring the fact that my feet hurt so bad by the end of the day that I'm ready to bawl my head off, that is.

My Year and a Day classes were, basically, on vacation for the past two weeks and will be resuming this upcoming Monday.  ^_^  I'm very excited for that.

Overall, that's pretty much all that's been going on over the past few weeks.

Oh!  And I'm in the middle of creating a website on Weebly!  :-)   I haven't published it yet, but I've been trying to get things set up beyond the mere bare bones.  ^_^   I think I'll be able to do more of the in-depth things on there that I've been wanting to do here such as have pages from my Book of Shadows as well as bits of my writings.  ^_^   I'm working on it.  I hope to have it up soon.

Holly's First Real Day (PICS INCLUDED)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

(I started this entry yesterday, but I got side-tracked with Holly and then I ended up crashing  LoL)

May 15:  Sooooooooo, I can tell this is going to take some time.  Holly has shown that she's quite timid and shy.  In fact, she's the shyest kitten I've ever had to deal with.  When she was with me in her last life, she didn't have a bunch of rowdy kids to deal with.  Aspen was just a baby and I hadn't had Rain yet.  When Aspen was a baby, he didn't have that typical baby tendency of smacking the crap out of whatever was making him excited.  Tippy had ADORED Aspen.  In essence, they kinda got to grow up together.  She would lay by him, I would help him pet her, he would get the most ecstatic, joyful look on his face and Tippy would just lay there and purr her ever-lovin' head off.

But now things are VERY different.  Aspen's a LOT bigger and there's two more than there was before she died.  A lot of things have changed.  I know it's going to take a lot of patience and learning to back off when she's had enough.  But I'll admit, this will be a learning process for me too.  Like I said, I've never had such a shy kitten before.  Tippy was a little shy when she first came to us; she hid for a little bit, but when she grew curious enough to come out and explore, she was fine.

Now that she's Holly with a lot more to deal with, I can see that this is going to take a lot more time and patience.

That being said, it's not been all that bad.  This morning started out a little rough.  Admittedly, I wasn't being overly constructive in trying to get her out of hard-to-reach hiding places such as under or behind the entertainment center, which we've had to block off because she poo'ed back there.  At one point Druid scared the ever-loving out of her by trying to shoo her from under the entertainment center with a broom handle.  -_-  That was particularly frustrating because she was starting to gain some curiosity to explore and after that, she went back into hiding.  *sigh*

However, today has had a lot of high points, too.  Even when I'd pulled her out of her hiding spots, the moment I started petting her and snuggling her, she would snuggle back and there have been several times today she has rubbed her face against mine, which I find to be most encouraging.

However, as the day went on, it became more and more clear that having her things set up in the living room and dining room was just NOT the best idea.  So, I did some cleaning and picking up in mine and Druid's bedroom, moved her things in there, and made it to where the room could be open, but she'd be blocked in there just so she'd have a quieter, less-trafficked area to be in.  She was still a little timid at first, but it didn't take her very long to gain the confidence to explore the room, even obnoxiously so as the night wore on.  But the good thing was that she finally had the confidence to get out of her kitty condo to eat food, drink water, and use the litter box.  Plus, she's gradually getting less scared of us.

For a while, if either one of us would peek in on her hiding place, she'd hiss at us  (which is SO freaking cute, btw -- it's just this tiny little puff of air!) but wouldn't make any aggressive moves.  The only time she's made to claw at either one of us is if she was feeling playful.  I think the hiss was more of a timid, startled thing.  She'd still let us pet her and even look a bit soothed when we'd do so.

May 16:  Her first night in our room, like I said, she got a bit obnoxious.  I ended up waking up at around 5am because she got onto the sink top and was knocking things over.  But I ended up getting to play with her and OMG when she's feeling confident, she is such a snugglebug! AND a chatterbox  XD  Naturally, I couldn't help but to chatter back.  ^_^

And now, before I close this entry, here are some pics of my little friend:

A Week of Celebration

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I can't even find the words to describe all the happiness this last week has brought me.  First there was the finalizing of my divorce last Friday, which I already wrote about, then there's the fact that the Spring Semester is FINALLY over!!!!! But this next bit of ecstatic happiness is the uber reason for this post.  However, for y'all to fully understand, I'm going to need to include a bit of a back-story.

(taken from a journal entry I wrote a couple weeks ago)
Something that's been weighing on my mind a lot lately is the topic of Familiars. I used to have one. I didn't get to have her very long and, considering the way my life was going for the longest time, maybe it was a mixed blessing. At least when she died, she still belonged to me. I didn't have to suffer the grief of having to rehome her because many things 'caused me and mine to have to be homeless and living like gypsies for almost two years.

Tippy was my first-ever Mother's Day present. Honestly, she was probably the most thoughtful thing my ex ever did for me. I wasn't expecting anything for Mother's Day that year. We were dirt poor. So when my ex came in briefly on his lunch break on that day in May, 2005 with something behind his back and told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands, I thought maybe he'd gotten me one of those brownies from the nearby 7-Eleven that I liked so much. Instead, what I got was a feeling of a tiny, soft, furry body. She was a tiny little black kitten with little white paws and ankle socks on her back feet. When she was a baby, she had a little tip of white on her tail, hence her name Tippy.

Tippy was wholeheartedly MY baby. I'd never had a cat so devoted to me. She would even come running to me when I'd call her. One time she got out of the apartment and went into the pool area (which was closed off). My ex tried to get her to come to him by calling her and she just sat there staring at him like "And what?" I went outside, crouched down, and called for her and she came trotting to me as eagerly as one would expect a puppy to do. That was when I first realized the bond we had.

Tippy loved me unconditionally, even when I wasn't such a great human being. I'm ashamed to say that there was a long stretch of time where I didn't really appreciate her or treat her as I should have. There were so many things going on at that time, though I don't see any of them as being excuses for me. But she loved me anyway. And yes, I did manage to get my head out of my ass. I just wish I'd done it sooner. 

I didn't have Tippy for a full year before she was hit by a car one night while my ex and I were off visiting a friend of his. She died almost a month exactly after he and I had moved to Oklahoma City from Texas.  Tippy died March 10, 2006 just a couple weeks before my daughter was born. It's been 7 years and I still miss her terribly. I've often wondered if Tippy might someday come back to me.

Thoughts like this have especially been prevalent as of late. I follow the Pooka Pages magazine for Pagan children and back towards the end of March, Pooka -- the Familiar of Lora, the gal who runs the mag -- passed away. He died March 25. My heart absolutely broke for Lora 'cause I remember all too well the grief I went through when I lost Tippy.

Lora wrote a story about Pooka's passing for the Beltane issue of the Pooka pages and holy crap, I cried my eyes out. (You can find it on the Pooka Pages Facebook page.  I'm sorry I don't have a more direct link)

But Lora, even then, knew that her Pooka kitty would come back to her. And Pooka didn't waste any time in doing so. A few days ago, I saw a Facebook status on the Pooka Pages Team page and OMG!! She found him again! 

"Hey Team - I FOUND HIM!!!! And just wait til you here the story behind it: Pooka died on Monday evening, March 25. I lay in his cage at the vets and he walked over and lay down with me, his chin resting on my arm, his front leg draped over the arm. “You have to go away for a while, Pooks,” I told him, “but I need you to come back to me. You have to come back soon. I can’t be without you, my little heartbeat kitty.” He purred and gazed into my eyes.
His little ghost was at my side for 3 days. Then, suddenly, on the evening of the 28th, I felt him leave. The next day, March 29th, was my birthday and such a lonely, sad day it was.
But I absolutely knew he’d already found another body and that he’d be born almost immediately and very close by. But how would I find him? Neither our town nor any of the surrounding towns have animal shelters or even pet stores where I might look.
I started scanning the ads in the papers for kittens. There were none. I checked Craig’s List online. Nothing in our area. Zip. Nada. It looked like I’d just have to wait for him to wander onto my front porch some day….
Then, by chance, I noticed an animal rescue facility located in a house a few blocks down the street from me! I’d never known it was there. I called the number and explained that I was looking for a black, male kitten that was 4 weeks old.
“Oh honey,” said the lady on the phone, “we mostly get grown cats - hardly ever kittens and especially not that young. We do have an 8 month old female who’s very sweet.”
“No, I’m looking for a black male born about 4 weeks ago,” I said.
“Well, you never know,” she told me, “so let me take your number just in case.”
A few days later, she called. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said, “but we just got a litter of 5 kittens dropped off. Four tabby females and one black male. And he’s exactly 4 weeks old because they were born March 29th.”
What a clever and magical cat Pooka is … and now we even share the same birthday!

Reading that status made my heart ache in a way that's very bittersweet. I am SO happy that Lora has Pooka back! I just looked at the Facebook page and she posted a picture of him and OMG I absolutely melted!! I'm so happy for her and Pooka! But, admittedly, I'm jealous. I still miss Tippy so much :'( I'm not jealous in a bad way, please don't misunderstand. I just wish so much that she comes back to me!

Honestly? I think she's just waiting. I think she knew at the time that things in my life would not be right for her to come back so soon. But now things have settled down A LOT and I have been DESPERATELY wanting to get a cat again.  I think that she just might be coming back to me soon and I think this time around is going to go a LOT better than it did last.

I think I might do a little ritual to ask her to come back to me.  I think she might have been waiting for me to call for her.  I think she's been waiting for me to be ready for us to be reunited.

I never got to work with Tippy as a Familiar or anything.  But I have no doubts that she was my Familiar.  I knew it through the bond that we shared and the love that she gave.  She was no ordinary cat and I have no doubts that if she does come back to me, she would be a powerful magickal partner as well as the extraordinary friend that she was the last time she was alive.

So, there you have it.

Now, I didn't end up having to do any elaborate ritual to call her back to me.  As I mentioned, I think she's been waiting for me and for things in my life to be ready and Pooka's death and reincarnation was a way that she could get the message across for me to look for her.

Well, guys, I found her!  After reading the whole story of what happened to Pooka, it felt like I'd been smacked over the head with a neon sign and I'd been on the lookout ever since.  That bit earlier was written on April 30.  It took me having to deal with some frustrations (i.e. one guy who'd posted about 3 black kittens on Craigslist blew me off the day I was supposed to go look at them.)   However, when I had my meltdowns of desperate despair, Druid was right here with me to remind me that it will work out when it's meant to and to try not to be so impatient.

It paid off today  :-)   I found her!!!!   And she is home!!  :-D, though she is called Holly in this life instead of some odd pet name.  :3   I will post pics tomorrow!

I'll write more later.   It's uber late and I am having a really hard time staying awake at my laptop.  LoL!!

Happy Mother's Day!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I hope all the mommies who read my page had a wonderful Mother's Day!  Whether you are the mommy to a human child, a furbaby, a plant even, or are like a mother to someone!

My Mother's Day has been the best I've had in years!  For one thing, it's my first Mother's Day as a happily divorced woman!  :-D  For another, today was a beautiful day, so I took my kiddos to the park and OMG they needed it! LoL  I had to get onto them a few times because for a little while, they were THE LOUDEST and most obnoxious kids on the playground!  XD   But it was a good outing and it was fun watching them get to play with other kiddos and enjoy being out of the house.  Right now, they are chowing down on Velveeta Shells 'N Cheese for dinner to be followed up with by some Sun Chips and an apple for dessert.  ^_^  Yep, life is good.

On the writing front, I am pleased to report that between last night and this morning, I've managed to write two poems.  ^_^  I know, it doesn't sound like much, but still, it's something.  It's more than the empty screen I was staring at for the longest time that was taunting me with the mental image of it collecting dust.

I hesitate to post them here or anywhere lest that mean that I can't submit them anywhere for publication, but if anyone reading this wouldn't mind acting as a beta reader for me, that would be awesome!  I am eager to get some opinions on these.  :-D  Just leave me a comment here or send me a message on the Facebook page and I will send them to you.

ZOMG Treehouses!!!!! *spaz*

Saturday, May 11, 2013

My dream treehouse
I'm watching "My Cat From Hell" when a trailer for a new called "Treehouse Masters" (Click Here to watch the video) and OMG!  My inner-Elf practically SQUEEEE-gasmed!!!!  I freaking LOVE treehouses!

Being that I have kids, the idea of living in a treehouse is not exactly practical by any stretch, but you know what I would LOOOOOOOOVE to have someday?  I would love to have a tree-cabin for my writing studio!  :-D  A place where I can go and be in the trees and have my own space to settle in and let nature inspire me to write.  *le sigh*  That would be the total awesomesauce!  Some place like this would be perfect:

Ohmigods, I love this treehouse so much!  :-D It's so beautiful!

I have no doubts that my love of treehouses comes from my being an Elf.  From what I understand, many races of Elves lived up in the trees like this.  Hell, even the Elves in "The Lord of the Rings" books and movies lived up in the trees, particularly the Lorien Elves.  ^_^  Granted, obviously, I'm not a Tolkien Elf, but I loved the designs of the flets in the LOTR movies! They were so beautiful!

Maybe someday I'll get to have my treehouse writing studio. At this point in my life, it's not terribly likely, but it is a lovely thing to dream about.  Every person who loves to create in some form or fashion dreams of having that environment that will catalyze their creativity and make the inspiration wash over them like a waterfall that has been un-dammed. And I think I just discovered what my dream environment is. ^_^

How cool is this treehouse?!?!

Writerly Thoughts: Feeling VERY Twitchy!!

First of all:  Yay!!  I managed to change the header picture!!!  :-D    Easy for most people, but it took me a bit to figure it out >^.^<  So yeah, I'm feeling a bit geeky happy.  I am LOVING my new layout!!  Elf-girl is happy!!

In other news.....

I've been feeling twitchy for days.  Twitchy of the writing persuasion, and I'm glad for it, but it's a twitchiness I've not been able to quench.  I have been BADLY wanting to make some writerly accomplishments, but I still feel stuck!  I don't know what to write!  Please forgive the crassness of this comparison, but it's like being constipated.  Aaaaaaaaand that's as far as I'm taking that analogy.  Y'all can figure the rest out, I'm sure.  Perhaps a better analogy might have been the pressure that builds when you've got a kink in a water hose.  I don't know  o.O

It's like my head is full of white noise and hesitation.  I don't know where to begin.  Trying to break my writing inertia is like trying to get a steam engine going.  Breaking through that barrier of inertia is the biggest problem for me (as I'm sure it is for many people).  Once I actually get going, it's not quite so difficult.  But the GETTING GOING is just.......gah!  D:  

I haven't gotten to any writing exercises yet (fairly obvious).  With the last two weeks of the Spring Semester to deal with, I wasn't overly expecting to.  But now that it's pretty much over with the exception of one more thing for my Paralegal class (as I've already mentioned), my free time is going to be a lot more free for me.  Yes, I'll have work to contend with, but when I'm home, the only duty I really need to worry about keeping up with is contributing to the upkeep of the apartment.

I'm still working on culling down my time on Facebook.  I fully admit that I've still been spending too much time on there, but I haven't really touched any of the games in at least a week whereabouts.

I have one more assignment to complete, which is due on Monday.  I really need to get to that (it's a Legal Research assignment, which I am NOT looking forward to!) but I need to have that done.  Either before I do it or after, I want to try to complete a writing exercise.  I feel like if I don't do some sort of creative writing SOON, I'm going to go to pieces.  I'm glad I feel that way, but I want to find a way to take advantage of it lest that desire go slack with me nothing to show for it.

If anyone reading this knows of any other places to suggest that have good writing exercises, I would very much appreciate the heads up!  :-D

)O( Morgaine )O(

After Almost 5 VERY Long Years.....

Friday, May 10, 2013

If you follow my Facebook page, you might have already heard my big news for the day:  Earlier today, almost 12 hours ago and after almost 5 years of waiting, I FINALLY was able to get my divorce!!! I seriously cannot even convey what a huge relief that is for me! So many times prior I had tried to get this thing going only to be shot down for one reason or another.

When I was living in Oklahoma, I'd tried several times to get the Legal Aid to help me, but they wouldn't.  Why?  Because they were only helping abuse cases, particularly cases of physical abuse and because pretty much the only thing my ex-husband DIDN'T do was beat the hell out of me, I was shit out of luck.  Didn't even matter that I was afraid of my ex somehow finding me. Didn't even matter the fact that my ex is a flaming sociopath.  >.<   Yeah, makes no sense for me either.  But none of that matters anymore, because my divorce hearing was earlier today and everything went well!

As anticipated, my ex wasn't there.  I don't know where he is (which is fine by me), so he wasn't able to be served in person; we had to go the Service by Publication route, which was doubly fine by me.  My ex isn't one of those who reads the paper much less the legal announcements.  ^_^

Druid was there with me, thank Goddess.  He didn't want to chance even the remote possibility of my ex showing up and thus my having to deal with him on my own.  We were there almost two hours and, barring the fact that I fidgeted nervously until it was my turn for the lawyer to talk to me, it was a very easy process.

And when it was all over, I have no doubts I looked something like the gal in this picture!

I am so relieved to have that gods-awful chapter of my life FINALLY closed!

To celebrate, I decided to re-vamp the look of this blog.  Today is the first day of my new life and I wanted my blog to somehow reflect that look.  It took FOREVER, but I was finally able to find a blog template that I like and voila!

In other news, I am pretty much FINALLY done with the Spring Semester (with the exception of one more Paralegal class to turn in my Take-Home Final that I have to do) and then I am off for the Summer!  :-D  Thank Goddess!!  I am NOT happy how the Spring Semester ended up for me. >.<  I'd started it so well, but when I got massively knocked on my ass by the bronchitis for over a month, it seriously screwed things up for me.  I went from having my overall grade in the high 90's to sweating over whether or not I was even still passing.  But, I'm pretty sure I passed well enough and I'm damn determined that the Fall Semester go MUCH better than the Spring semester did!  :-D