Tonight begins my Year and a Day. In the month since the Paths & Traditions Fair, trying to correlate my schedule with that of Greyhart and my two classmates has been.....interesting as my schedule has had to be at the mercy of Druid's work schedule. I'm excited and nervous and anxious and....a lot of things. I know this isn't going to be easy, but should things work out that I accomplish this next year without anything fucking it up, it will be worth it. At the end of it, I'll have achieved my 1st Degree as a Priestess -- something I've wanted for quite a while.
I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this. Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far. Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me. I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.
Don't get me wrong: I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this. I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin. I hope so, anyway. I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class. Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy. And I'm ok with that. Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess. I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.
Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this. We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher. He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.
Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out. It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have. It's no one else's fault but mine. I didn't keep myself going the way I should have. It's hard for me to explain as to why that was. I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it). I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong. But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.
And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around. It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen. And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that. I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging. I'm a Gemini, people. I'm a flibbertigibbet. Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition. And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!). I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.
Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group. I wanted more formal training, basically. I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass. I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.
Does any of that make sense?
For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path. And I'm going to stick to it. But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment. I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.
*sigh* Things will be alright though. It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher. But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth. To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need. Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways. I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down. I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person. I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him. I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.
Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class. I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow. Wish me luck!
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