I'm sorry for my long absence this year. I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging. Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish. I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.
My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself. But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous. Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.
I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like. April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system. I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok. I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.
When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else? However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am. The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him. Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself. There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return. It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.
At least I can take responsibility for myself. It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore. And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him. No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance. And the funny thing? She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc. He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me. Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it. To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy. It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.
I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs. When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine. When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc. And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again. But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are? It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.
When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life. And I flat-out told him I was done. It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore. Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died. What can I say? Double standards have that effect on me. Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.
So, that's that.
I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life. My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to. I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids. I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man). If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes. If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes. It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve. We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.
So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point. My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here. My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through. She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless. My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok. The Goddess has brought us through. Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better. I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that. :-) These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything. Is life perfect right now? No, not even close. But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her. Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!
The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me. The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)
I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This Year
Thursday, August 07, 2014
Pagan Blog Project Wk 3: B is for Belief
Saturday, January 18, 2014
be·lief
biˈlēf/
noun
- 1.an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists."his belief in the value of hard work"
- 2.trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something."a belief in democratic politics"
synonyms: faith, trust, reliance, confidence, credence More
When I met my Year and a Day teacher, Greyhart, last year at the Paths and Traditions fair that Living Earth was hosting, he was sitting behind a table that held an assortment of altar objects. I had just gotten done speaking with Chris and Kelly, the representatives of a local Celtic Reconstructionist group and Greyhart's table was right next to theirs. I was feeling terribly awkward and shy as well as stressed out from worrying (too much) about my kids' behavior. Greyhart had put me at ease pretty quickly and when we started talking, he asked me a simple question: of all the altar objects on the table, which one was the most powerful?
I quietly looked at the objects for a moment -- I remember the athame, but I honestly can't remember what else was there. Doesn't matter. After a moment's hesitation, I looked up and said "It's not the objects that are powerful. They're only as powerful as the person holding them."
Altar tools are nice to have. Hell, I love having altar tools. Most of the pieces on my altar are treasured knick-knacks -- a Faerie Glen faerie and a Native American faerie that one of my dearest friends gifted to me, a horse figurine that was a Christmas gift from my brother when I was still a kid, and a horse tealight candle lamp that I received as a high school graduation gift from the woman who taught me how to ride.
The more definitively Pagan items I have on my altar is my Goddess statue, my Moon Phases goddess tealight holder, and my athame, which I don't even keep on my altar full-time because, obviously, I have kids and I'm not comfortable leaving it out where they can get to it.
 |
| The Goddess statue I have on my altar Pentacle Goddess by Abby Willowroot as shown on SacredSource.com |
Anywho, getting back on track toward the point: I love my altar tools, but while they're nice to have, they are not NECESSARY for doing magick. They basically provide a focus for the magick we wield.
The most important tool we have to make our magick work for whatever purpose we have is our faith and belief. Our certainty that our spell will work gives it the energetic punch to get more than a figurative few feet from our workspace, get out there into the Cosmos, and get it done.
It's nice to have the additional energies of things like herbs and candles and incense and whatever else, but if we don't have any of those magickal helpers at our disposal for getting a spell done, we are not left helpless and bereft of accomplishing our magickal goal(s). If we have no tools or other supplies to work with, we can still have a full-on spell/ritual without them, even if all that's done is simply meditating on our goal and sending out energy to have it done. But all the acts of going through ritual motions and what-not in the world doesn't mean a whole lot if you don't have the belief/faith/conviction that your spell will be successful.
Bringing your emotions into your spell can help fuel your belief. As previously mentioned in an earlier PBP post, anger can be a very powerful fuel for a justice spell or a protection spell or even an appropriately-spun curse or hex or whatever.
Strong desire for a particular result, for example you're wanting a particular job, -- wanting it SO BADLY that you can practically taste it -- can put the punch into a job spell. But the desire should be a productive desire, not a whiny, petulant desire. Does that make sense?
Your desire for said job has to be the desire of determination, not the type of desire you see from a tantrum-throwing child who wants a toy. That shit never accomplishes anything good. But to envision yourself with that job, seeing all the hard work you are going to do when you get that job, seeing the things you'll do to better your life and the lives of your children (if you have children), etc can put a hefty dose of oomph into your job spell.
Simply going through the motions of a pre-written spell isn't enough. I'm not saying pre-written spells shouldn't be used. Not at all. But I know from prior experience that even if you've got the spell and all the items you need/want for it, if you don't have the desire and the belief for the spell to come to fruition, all you're doing is putting on a play.
This past week I've done a job spell. I have a job interview coming up for a job that I DESPERATELY want, and I do mean DESPERATELY. If I get this job, not only could I build a viable career off of it instead of only being stuck in penny-anny jobs that go nowhere, but it would also pay well enough to adequately support my children! I would finally be able to build a GOOD life for us, start chipping away at my debts, build up my savings, and accomplish the financial goals I have set for myself. This job would have the potential to get me to where the kids and I want to be and actually be successful and independent, no longer having to rely on the help of government assistance! :-D That would mean no more Foodstamps, no more TANF!
I could go on and on and on about this job. But I won't. LoL
Before I got scheduled for an interview, the hiring manager told me that she wasn't sure if they still needed any more people for the job and that they had just hired one person. She told me to call her back within a couple of days and that she'd be able to tell me if they were still hiring or not. I'm not gonna lie, I was ready to freak the hell out because if this job didn't work out for me, then I'd be stuck back with fast food jobs and that is SO not what I want!
After we got off the phone, I began to focus like crazy on that job. Filling a bath with some Lavender Epsom salts to cleanse off the despondency and fear I was feeling, I relaxed, closed my eyes, and meditated on the job. "There IS still an opening for that job, I WILL have a job interview for it, and I WILL get hired!" I said over and over and over again. I finally went quiet and visualized my interview with the hiring manager and saw it going well, I repeatedly visualized myself going into the business place to start my work day, standing behind the counter to help people, taking their payments, learning the things I needed to know, busting my ass to progress, etc. Every time I felt my concentration slipping onto other things, I'd give myself a mental shake and bring myself back to the visualization of me going to work and doing the job. I didn't move from the bath until I had that mental image so firmly ingrained in my brain that there was just no doubts left in my mind that I'd get the job.
After taking my shower, I put some Cinnamon Mint scented oil into my oil warmer. Both Cinnamon and Mint are very good for attracting money, prosperity, jobs, etc. I also got a couple of cinnamon sticks from my spice rack and burned them in my cauldron. Granted, of course, they wouldn't stay lit by themselves, but I didn't mind. Focusing on them burning, repeatedly re-lighting them, just helped to sharpen my focus on my drawing that job to me.
The next day when I spoke to the hiring manager, I was EXCEEDINGLY delighted to learn that, indeed, they do still have one more opening for the job I want and I was scheduled to meet with her in a job interview this coming Wednesday. I can't even BEGIN to tell you my delight! I'm not even kidding, after we got off the phone, I jumped around in ridiculously stupid circles, squealing my head off! So far, my job spell has worked! And I am still certain that it will continue to work until I am walking into the business for my first day of work! We shall see!
But my point to all this is that lighting the cinnamon sticks and putting the oil on my oil warmer in and of itself didn't do jack shit. But my focus and belief that this spell would work combined with the energies of the cinnamon and mint has, so far, brought about the (uber) desired results.
When you want a result to come about, you HAVE to believe that it will work. You can't let yourself doubt, as difficult as that may be.
And even then, we know that there will still be times that, no matter how much a punch we put into our spells, belief and all, it still might not work out the way we want it to. That does NOT make you a failure or your spell a failure. I, personally, just take that as a sign that whatever it was was not meant to be. The gods/the universe/the fates/whatever energies/deity(ies) you pray to or whatever still have the right to tell us "no", "not yet", "I've got a different plan for you" or whatever.
But in this case, I have the fullest faith that a job that I can actually prosper at for me and my children is DEFINITELY what I'm supposed to have. I have felt pulled toward this job since it was first mentioned to me that they were hiring for it and that I didn't have to have any prior experience or certifications for it.
I know that this PBP entry wasn't uber well-written and was a bit scattered, but I hope I've managed to put the point across nevertheless.
Pagan Blog Project Wk 2: A is for Adapting
Friday, January 10, 2014
I'm a Gemini/Taurus cusp. The Gemini side says that I'm supposed to be flexible to changes in life whereas my Taurus side digs its heels in. Probably because most of the time when things have changed, they've been changes that I haven't wanted. I stubbornly clung onto two toxic relationships, particularly the second one, because I didn't want to give up, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I could show that kind of fortitude but in a GOOD relationship, my stubbornness would be most fruitful.
However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.
But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.
Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.
My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.
I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.
When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.
However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.
But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.
Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.
My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.
I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.
When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.
Pagan Blog Project Wk 1: A is for Anger
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
With the holidays just recently wrapping up, I haven't any doubts that stress levels have been high even for people with lives that are, overall, normal and without any of the excessive amounts of crapola that still so many others have to deal with. I'm definitely no stranger to stress building to such a level that anger becomes the end result. This is something that I'm working on bringing under control.
But we, for the most part, are always hearing about the dangers of anger and for very good reason, of course. Anger is a very powerful weapon and it's a weapon that's abused more often than it's put to good use. I mean, come on, that is pretty much part of the theme of the Star Wars movies, yes?
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."
All true. Anger is an emotion that can get out of control if we let it and it is certainly not an emotion that I would recommend holding onto.
However, anger can be a powerful motivator IF IF IF IF used properly. If there are things in your life that desperately need changed, anger can be the power punch you need to fight back against the things that are going wrong. For instance: if you're stuck in an abusive relationship, anger can help you have the courage to stand up, refuse to take it anymore, and to get the hell out. It can help you, depending on the situation, to stand up to your abuser, and refuse to take their bullying anymore.
Please understand, however, that certain cases are unwise for using your anger for direct confrontation. If your abuser, for instance, is someone who beats you or does other physical things or you haven't any doubt that he/she WOULD enact out physical violence of some sort, your anger is best suited to motivate you just to get the fuck out as a physical confrontation runs the risk of it not ending well for you. BELIEVE ME, I am not recommending that anyone take any route that leads to physical violence.
Getting to the more Pagan aspects, anger is a way powerful way to raise your energy for spellwork for things like justice spells.
One of the entries I made for last year's Pagan Blog Project was B is for Breaking Out the Bitchcraft in which I talked about the use of harsher magick for things like justice spells or appropriately used curses or hexes such as what Dorothy Morrison talks about in her book "Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes, and Other Unsavory Notions".
One thing that Morrison spoke about in that book that has stuck with me is that when/if you come to the conclusion (after, of course, trying to solve the problem on a more mundane level -- remember, using a bazooka on a mosquito is just silly) that breaking out the bitchcraft is necessary, you HAVE to get to a level of utterly and direly PISSED OFF. If you're having to work some harsh magick to protect yourself, to seek justice against someone trying to cause you harm or whatever, you CAN'T be shy about it.
As previously mentioned in my entry from last year, there is a terrible amount of hotheads in the overall Pagan community who about have an apoplexy at the very idea of doing any magick that isn't in the "Love and Light" category. But, I'm sorry (not really), if someone is trying to cause you harm, "Love and Light" isn't gonna cut it.
If someone is coming at you with a knife, "Love and Light" and warm, fuzzy feelings is not going to stop that person from shanking you. Fighting like hell, however, just might.
In the 1st chapter of her book, Dorothy Morrison writes, "If a serial killer were holding a gun to your head, a knife to your neck, or was delightedly slicing off bits of your flesh, would you be the least bit concerned about his well-being? Would you really give a rat's ass if he was happy? Secure in his own skin? That he would somehow manage to get out of the situation safely and without personal, physical or psychological damage? Of course not! The rules would be damned, and all you'd care about would be getting away and seeing to it that he was too incapacitated to hurt you or anyone else ever again."
Damn skippy! And, of course, if anyone were in that situation, anger would be an immensely useful tool to overcome your fear to fight back by any means necessary so long as you don't let your anger blind you. As anyone with self defense experience knows, trying to strike out of anger has a high likelihood of getting your ass kicked. But if you use it to put the power behind your strikes rather than control them, you have a higher chance of coming out of the fight victorious.
Anger is tricky. Trying to bring it to heel can often times be like trying to grasp a wet bar of soap. If you keep your determination to keep your control of it, your anger can be the fuel that kicks you in the ass to strive for a positive change in your life instead of constantly being made life's bitch.
This is where I am at right now. For far too long I've not been in control of my own life. I've not been able to be prepared for when things tumble down the shitter and it's cost me and my children dearly. And it's not like I've WANTED things to be like this. My life has felt like I'm standing on an oil slick on a gymnasium floor. I've fallen down so many times despite trying to get to more stable ground. And for the past several months, I've been flat on my back like a gorram turtle and life has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me around like a rag doll. To say that I'm sick of this shit would be a massive understatement!
So now I'm pissed! I'm furious! I'm sick of my life being so beyond my control! I'm fucking sick of not being able to withstand the trials that life throws at me! It has brought me to a place that I don't want to be, but it is still an opportunity. Where I'm at right now, I have the opportunity to finally be able to stand up, throw down some figurative sand in this oily glop, walk to solid ground and stay on my feet. I now have the opportunity to take my life back for myself and my children! I'm so pissed that I've finally said "Enough of this shit!" and have begun to formulate plans and set goals. I'm at a place where I know I can get this shit done and I can't wait to start checking these items off my list so my life can be one of self-sufficiency for the sake of my children as well as myself.
So, if your life is not what you want it to be for whatever reason, don't just wallow in your discontent and hopelessness. Those feelings are understandable, but get mad, dammit! Get mad and start finding a way to change your life! Where there is a will, there is a way, and a will fueled by anger because you're sick of the shit is going to be a helluva strong will to contend with indeed!
But we, for the most part, are always hearing about the dangers of anger and for very good reason, of course. Anger is a very powerful weapon and it's a weapon that's abused more often than it's put to good use. I mean, come on, that is pretty much part of the theme of the Star Wars movies, yes?
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."
All true. Anger is an emotion that can get out of control if we let it and it is certainly not an emotion that I would recommend holding onto.
However, anger can be a powerful motivator IF IF IF IF used properly. If there are things in your life that desperately need changed, anger can be the power punch you need to fight back against the things that are going wrong. For instance: if you're stuck in an abusive relationship, anger can help you have the courage to stand up, refuse to take it anymore, and to get the hell out. It can help you, depending on the situation, to stand up to your abuser, and refuse to take their bullying anymore.
Please understand, however, that certain cases are unwise for using your anger for direct confrontation. If your abuser, for instance, is someone who beats you or does other physical things or you haven't any doubt that he/she WOULD enact out physical violence of some sort, your anger is best suited to motivate you just to get the fuck out as a physical confrontation runs the risk of it not ending well for you. BELIEVE ME, I am not recommending that anyone take any route that leads to physical violence.
Getting to the more Pagan aspects, anger is a way powerful way to raise your energy for spellwork for things like justice spells.
One of the entries I made for last year's Pagan Blog Project was B is for Breaking Out the Bitchcraft in which I talked about the use of harsher magick for things like justice spells or appropriately used curses or hexes such as what Dorothy Morrison talks about in her book "Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes, and Other Unsavory Notions".
One thing that Morrison spoke about in that book that has stuck with me is that when/if you come to the conclusion (after, of course, trying to solve the problem on a more mundane level -- remember, using a bazooka on a mosquito is just silly) that breaking out the bitchcraft is necessary, you HAVE to get to a level of utterly and direly PISSED OFF. If you're having to work some harsh magick to protect yourself, to seek justice against someone trying to cause you harm or whatever, you CAN'T be shy about it.
As previously mentioned in my entry from last year, there is a terrible amount of hotheads in the overall Pagan community who about have an apoplexy at the very idea of doing any magick that isn't in the "Love and Light" category. But, I'm sorry (not really), if someone is trying to cause you harm, "Love and Light" isn't gonna cut it.
If someone is coming at you with a knife, "Love and Light" and warm, fuzzy feelings is not going to stop that person from shanking you. Fighting like hell, however, just might.
 |
| Image by Aeonsend on DeviantArt |
Damn skippy! And, of course, if anyone were in that situation, anger would be an immensely useful tool to overcome your fear to fight back by any means necessary so long as you don't let your anger blind you. As anyone with self defense experience knows, trying to strike out of anger has a high likelihood of getting your ass kicked. But if you use it to put the power behind your strikes rather than control them, you have a higher chance of coming out of the fight victorious.
Anger is tricky. Trying to bring it to heel can often times be like trying to grasp a wet bar of soap. If you keep your determination to keep your control of it, your anger can be the fuel that kicks you in the ass to strive for a positive change in your life instead of constantly being made life's bitch.
This is where I am at right now. For far too long I've not been in control of my own life. I've not been able to be prepared for when things tumble down the shitter and it's cost me and my children dearly. And it's not like I've WANTED things to be like this. My life has felt like I'm standing on an oil slick on a gymnasium floor. I've fallen down so many times despite trying to get to more stable ground. And for the past several months, I've been flat on my back like a gorram turtle and life has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me around like a rag doll. To say that I'm sick of this shit would be a massive understatement!
So now I'm pissed! I'm furious! I'm sick of my life being so beyond my control! I'm fucking sick of not being able to withstand the trials that life throws at me! It has brought me to a place that I don't want to be, but it is still an opportunity. Where I'm at right now, I have the opportunity to finally be able to stand up, throw down some figurative sand in this oily glop, walk to solid ground and stay on my feet. I now have the opportunity to take my life back for myself and my children! I'm so pissed that I've finally said "Enough of this shit!" and have begun to formulate plans and set goals. I'm at a place where I know I can get this shit done and I can't wait to start checking these items off my list so my life can be one of self-sufficiency for the sake of my children as well as myself.
So, if your life is not what you want it to be for whatever reason, don't just wallow in your discontent and hopelessness. Those feelings are understandable, but get mad, dammit! Get mad and start finding a way to change your life! Where there is a will, there is a way, and a will fueled by anger because you're sick of the shit is going to be a helluva strong will to contend with indeed!
The Last Day of 2013's Warpath
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
This year saw the ending of mine and Druid's relationship, our struggle to maintain a friendship, our respective losses of going to college due to different complications arising, the loss of our apartment. My kids lost having their Daddy so close by since Druid had to go to Florida. This year has seen us homeless yet kept from drowning entirely. If my parents hadn't helped me as much as they did, I really don't know where we would be right now.
This year I have had love come and go and come again. I had been inexplicably abandoned only to have someone else amazing come into my life. I'm not gonna lie: I still grieve for the one who left, but I'm still very thankful for the one who is here. There is still the occasional wistful wishing that things had turned out differently. Especially right now as, had things not gone all clusterfucked as they did and had he not disappeared on me, we had planned for me to fly to Michigan to see him for a week this Saturday. I think that ache lingers still because of the lack of closure. Every day is an exercise in continuing to let go and move on with my life but part of me will always love him.As for the one who is in my life now, he is wonderful. He has been a soothing balm in more ways than I can express. Because of him, life has taken on a tinge of hope that I haven't seen in a long time. Because of him, my kids and I have had the best Christmas we've had in years, and I'm not talking from a materialistic aspect. Getting to spend the holidays in the loving company of him and his kids has kinda renewed my liking of Christmas after so many Christmases that were more misery and loneliness than anything.
It's a real pity when people feel the need to take such horrid actions. But it speaks way more about them than it does about the people that they're trying to destroy and, ultimately, people like her just end up staying down in their miserable filth and all the bad Karma they've brought upon themselves.
It really is sad because I loved her like a sister, took a lot of shit from Druid because I wanted to believe the best about her but, in the end, it turns out he was right about her all along. I don't like it when people turn out to not be worth the faith that I invest in them. I'm not meaning any of this as though I'm all shiny or anything, 'cause I'm not. But I never should have let her back into my life.
A couple days ago I was watching a documentary on Netflix about the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan. I'd remembered hearing at the time that it actually happened that the earthquake was so strong that it actually affected the earth's tilt on its axis by about 10 inches and caused the earth to spin about a second or so faster. Metaphorically speaking, that's what it feels like the events of 2013 have done to my life. The changes were so quick, so violent and wrenching even, that my world has shifted on its axis. This year was my 9 earthquake. My world fell apart all around me, but even then, not everything was hopeless.
I got knocked down, I grieved, and then I did my best to keep going like so many other people have this year. I dare say that 2013 was a 9 earthquake for a lot of people. So many shitty things happened, but there were still good things too.
So now this last day of 2013, a Super Moon new moon awaits to greet us into 2014. Today is a day for letting go of what's gone and for looking forward to the prosperity that lies ahead. I really hope that 2014 goes WAAAAAAAAAAY better than 2013 did! And I'm sure I'm not the only one with that hope :3
 |
| Happy New Year! |
44 DoW Day 9 -- A Favorite Mythological Animal
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Hmmmm......I guess I have a slight issue with the word "mythological". Don't get me wrong, I understand what they're asking, but the word "mythological", to me, implies that the creatures lumped into that category don't exist -- that they're just the products of someone's imagination that wove them into tales and legends.
I can just imagine the "well, duh!" stares I might be getting from whomever reads this. But please bear in mind: whether you believe me or not, I originated as an Elf and the realm I came from had these "imaginary" creatures. Dragons, Unicorns, Pegasi, you name it, we probably had them in our area or knew where you could go to see one. But even then, these creatures weren't "animals" like humans tend to view animals here. Here, animals generally tend to be seen as "inferior". A crap-ton of humans don't even think that animals have souls, arrogantly thinking that only humans go to the after-life, etc. Animals are thoughtlessly murdered, some to the point or almost to the point of extinction, for absolutely macabre trophies and the rest of their remains are left behind to go to waste. And yes, I know that the wasteful trophy hunting is something that has become highly discouraged, but it still happens. I have no problems with a hunter who takes down a deer so long as the meat is properly dealt with (but I think keeping a kill's decapitated head is horrendously disgusting and is not unlike the old practice of putting a beheaded person's head on a spike). Hell, even there we hunted. But every kill was valued and treated with respect and none of it went to waste.
Where I come from, though, the creatures -- from the more fantastical to the more "mundane" -- are more sentient. I don't mean that in terms as to say that they could all talk the way the more humanoid races could. But we just all understood each other. Elves there are more connected to nature in a way that humans here (generally speaking) would never understand. We could listen to their vocals and understand what they were saying much in the same way that that Shaun Ellis (aka the Wolf man) understands wolves. In fact, personally, if that dude isn't Other or Therian in some form or fashion, I'd be massively surprised. But that's just me.
Eye contact with the creatures would often times allow for a telepathic link if the creature would allow it and if the creature was willing to take that trust and bond further, the link could be kept open even without looking. There was a pack of wolves that lived in the area of my village that had that kind of bond with us. They'd even let us run with them when we were Shifted. But, as much as we Elves had that kinship with nature, don't let that fool you into thinking that all creatures allowed such a bond with us. That wolf pack was the only one out of 2 - 4 others that allowed that mental link.
Dragons were more sentient. They could be tricky to deal with -- great care had to be taken not to accidentally say something offensive, but more often than not, our dealings and relationships with them were friendly. One of my best friends over there was a Dragon and he was one of the ones who enjoyed taking a humanoid form from time to time (not all of them would, but a decent number of them would do so, especially if they needed to come into my village). I daresay that that's one of the reasons I've had such a love of Dragons (about as far back as I can remember) and why I connected with the Fire Element so well as mentioned in previous posts. In fact, it has often crossed my mind that the Dragon that comes when I call upon South in ritual is, in fact, my Dragon friend from Over There :)
Anyway. I've massively digressed. I have many favorite creature types and while many of them don't physically exist in those forms in this realm, they're no more imaginary than the chair I'm currently sitting on.
I can just imagine the "well, duh!" stares I might be getting from whomever reads this. But please bear in mind: whether you believe me or not, I originated as an Elf and the realm I came from had these "imaginary" creatures. Dragons, Unicorns, Pegasi, you name it, we probably had them in our area or knew where you could go to see one. But even then, these creatures weren't "animals" like humans tend to view animals here. Here, animals generally tend to be seen as "inferior". A crap-ton of humans don't even think that animals have souls, arrogantly thinking that only humans go to the after-life, etc. Animals are thoughtlessly murdered, some to the point or almost to the point of extinction, for absolutely macabre trophies and the rest of their remains are left behind to go to waste. And yes, I know that the wasteful trophy hunting is something that has become highly discouraged, but it still happens. I have no problems with a hunter who takes down a deer so long as the meat is properly dealt with (but I think keeping a kill's decapitated head is horrendously disgusting and is not unlike the old practice of putting a beheaded person's head on a spike). Hell, even there we hunted. But every kill was valued and treated with respect and none of it went to waste.
Where I come from, though, the creatures -- from the more fantastical to the more "mundane" -- are more sentient. I don't mean that in terms as to say that they could all talk the way the more humanoid races could. But we just all understood each other. Elves there are more connected to nature in a way that humans here (generally speaking) would never understand. We could listen to their vocals and understand what they were saying much in the same way that that Shaun Ellis (aka the Wolf man) understands wolves. In fact, personally, if that dude isn't Other or Therian in some form or fashion, I'd be massively surprised. But that's just me.
Eye contact with the creatures would often times allow for a telepathic link if the creature would allow it and if the creature was willing to take that trust and bond further, the link could be kept open even without looking. There was a pack of wolves that lived in the area of my village that had that kind of bond with us. They'd even let us run with them when we were Shifted. But, as much as we Elves had that kinship with nature, don't let that fool you into thinking that all creatures allowed such a bond with us. That wolf pack was the only one out of 2 - 4 others that allowed that mental link.
Dragons were more sentient. They could be tricky to deal with -- great care had to be taken not to accidentally say something offensive, but more often than not, our dealings and relationships with them were friendly. One of my best friends over there was a Dragon and he was one of the ones who enjoyed taking a humanoid form from time to time (not all of them would, but a decent number of them would do so, especially if they needed to come into my village). I daresay that that's one of the reasons I've had such a love of Dragons (about as far back as I can remember) and why I connected with the Fire Element so well as mentioned in previous posts. In fact, it has often crossed my mind that the Dragon that comes when I call upon South in ritual is, in fact, my Dragon friend from Over There :)
Anyway. I've massively digressed. I have many favorite creature types and while many of them don't physically exist in those forms in this realm, they're no more imaginary than the chair I'm currently sitting on.
44 Days of Witchery Day 8: A Photo of a Magical Place Outdoors
Missed my DoW post for yesterday. Luckily, it's pretty easy to make up for that.
I took this picture last Fall at the Cold Springs Campground -- one of the few times I was able to get out into nature like this while I was back home *wistful sigh*
When I was there, at last getting to roam the woods like I'd been wanting to so badly and soaking up the Autumn brilliance, the energy of the forest was so welcoming and cozy to me. I don't know how else to put it. It was healing getting to meander among the trees. I miss it there.
This is an especially bittersweet post to write. Two years ago today I woke up for my first morning back home in Colorado. I didn't care that we were starting out living in a motel. I was getting to look out my window and see the mountains again. After almost 6 years trapped endlessly in Oklahoma and no mountains in sight, getting to see the Front Range was something that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. And when it snowed two days after coming back home? Oh, dear gods, I was absolutely giddy!! It felt like the Goddess was welcoming me home! It felt like She had understood my homesickness and the snow was Her homecoming present to me.
Now I'm in the desert and gods, I miss my Colorado like frikkin' hell! I don't regret the reasons I came here. Not at all. But that doesn't stop my heart from aching for home. The desert has its own beauty to it and at least there are still mountains in view here. But they're not mountains I can go to to roam. I don't want to tippy-toe through saguaro forests. Still, though, I'm grateful to have mountains to look at. I'm trying to recognize the natural beauty here, but for an Elf who feels most at home in lush forests, it's difficult to see the desert as anything but desolate.
I think about my favorite park back home, remembering getting to sit under the enormous tree that gave wonderful shade during the summer, and I think of how much I'm going to miss wriggling my bare feet in the soft, plush grass while watching my kids playing on the playground. That was beyond heavenly for me. That park was my favorite place to go to get a good dose of Nature in the city. And gods, I miss it.
I took this picture last Fall at the Cold Springs Campground -- one of the few times I was able to get out into nature like this while I was back home *wistful sigh*
When I was there, at last getting to roam the woods like I'd been wanting to so badly and soaking up the Autumn brilliance, the energy of the forest was so welcoming and cozy to me. I don't know how else to put it. It was healing getting to meander among the trees. I miss it there.
This is an especially bittersweet post to write. Two years ago today I woke up for my first morning back home in Colorado. I didn't care that we were starting out living in a motel. I was getting to look out my window and see the mountains again. After almost 6 years trapped endlessly in Oklahoma and no mountains in sight, getting to see the Front Range was something that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. And when it snowed two days after coming back home? Oh, dear gods, I was absolutely giddy!! It felt like the Goddess was welcoming me home! It felt like She had understood my homesickness and the snow was Her homecoming present to me.
Now I'm in the desert and gods, I miss my Colorado like frikkin' hell! I don't regret the reasons I came here. Not at all. But that doesn't stop my heart from aching for home. The desert has its own beauty to it and at least there are still mountains in view here. But they're not mountains I can go to to roam. I don't want to tippy-toe through saguaro forests. Still, though, I'm grateful to have mountains to look at. I'm trying to recognize the natural beauty here, but for an Elf who feels most at home in lush forests, it's difficult to see the desert as anything but desolate.
I think about my favorite park back home, remembering getting to sit under the enormous tree that gave wonderful shade during the summer, and I think of how much I'm going to miss wriggling my bare feet in the soft, plush grass while watching my kids playing on the playground. That was beyond heavenly for me. That park was my favorite place to go to get a good dose of Nature in the city. And gods, I miss it.
I Choose
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning. See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around. Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far. Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in. Hasn't worked.My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place. Last night it was with dealing with their homework. Oh. My. Goddess. My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are. *twitch* Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.
*sigh*
Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing. And this morning wasn't very good either. It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around. -_- This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night. Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.
Nope.
I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame. I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief. While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner.
I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room. I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart). Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready. Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag.
"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me. I choose to not yell. I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me. I choose to be more patient." I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip. When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out. I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.
As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more. I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper. But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity. So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."
I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods. I lit the Pine. "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine." I lit the two brown candles, saying both times "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."
After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.
As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy. There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise. Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do. A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges. Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do. So they kinda have to watch their step. Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home. Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).
We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop. Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home. And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.
I don't know. It's different for everyone.
I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often. Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break. I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me. I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.
Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room. It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable. Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids. I feel completely out of control and powerless. Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children. HELL no. I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.
I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled. Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm. Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.
Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent. I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better. I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong. I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!" -_- Seriously? It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.
But my children know that I love them. The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.
Making mistakes does not make us bad parents. Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.
And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day. :-)
Resurrecting the 44 DoW -- Day 7: Air Element
Monday, December 16, 2013
ZOMG!!!! Giving the 44 Days of Witchery another shot, but I'm not starting it over from scratch. What's the point? I might do another post for "Favorite Goddess" but that's about as far back as I feel the need to re-visit. Otherwise I'd just basically have repeat posts and, well, I just don't feel like doing that. :3
Soooooooooo, trying to get this going again, Day 7's prompt is Air Element. Of course. Of course the prompt to pick up where I left off would be something where I'm just kinda drawing a blank on what to say. *facepalm*
I found a purrtyful peekture all artsy-like of the Air Element on Google :-D
Ok. So some general basics that most Pagans would know by now (excluding newbies, of course, in which case I hope that this helps in any way ^_^)
The following info for the Air Correspondences is taken from Ellen Dugan's book "Elements of Witchcraft: Natural Magick for Teens" and, of course, all credit goes to her.
Direction: East
Color: Yellow
Time of Day: Sunrise
Places: High places, such as mountaintops, meadows, and windy plains
Witch's Tool: Wand
Deities: Aradia, Aphrodite, Arianrhod, Butterfly Woman (Native American), Eros, Mercury, Nut, Psyche, the Sky Father
Animals: Birds and flying insects -- bees, butterflies, dragonflies, and ladybugs
Elemental Beings: Faeries, sylphs, and flower faeries
Magicks Include: Creativity, knowledge, study, and change
Natural Representations Include: Feathers, flowers, oils, perfumes, and incense smoke
Symbol:
Soooooooooo, trying to get this going again, Day 7's prompt is Air Element. Of course. Of course the prompt to pick up where I left off would be something where I'm just kinda drawing a blank on what to say. *facepalm*
I found a purrtyful peekture all artsy-like of the Air Element on Google :-D
 |
Credit for image goes to CristaliaART |
The following info for the Air Correspondences is taken from Ellen Dugan's book "Elements of Witchcraft: Natural Magick for Teens" and, of course, all credit goes to her.
Air Correspondences
Direction: East
Color: Yellow
Time of Day: Sunrise
Places: High places, such as mountaintops, meadows, and windy plains
Witch's Tool: Wand
Deities: Aradia, Aphrodite, Arianrhod, Butterfly Woman (Native American), Eros, Mercury, Nut, Psyche, the Sky Father
Animals: Birds and flying insects -- bees, butterflies, dragonflies, and ladybugs
Elemental Beings: Faeries, sylphs, and flower faeries
Magicks Include: Creativity, knowledge, study, and change
Natural Representations Include: Feathers, flowers, oils, perfumes, and incense smoke
Symbol:
The element of Air also rules over three signs of the Zodiac: Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra. Common traits that vary in degree between the three are being more mentally-driven than emotional, very intellectual, and tend to be flexible and open to change. These three are very chatty (I should know -- I'm a Gemini cusp and my Moon is in Libra) and could talk your ears off for hours if you let them. Basically, a lot of their common traits are, for lack of a better word, quite airy. Conversations, life decisions, etc. often end up being things that are flitted to from one thing to the next with very little warning. "Wherever the wind blows you", in my opinion, was a phrase probably coined for an Air sign ;-) LoL Actually, I don't know that for sure or anything, but it definitely fits!
Updating the Website
Sunday, December 15, 2013
I posted a couple of updates in the Site News section of the Home page and added a little blog section -- My Tarot Journey -- in the Book of Shadows area for keeping a log of my (hopefully) daily Tarot readings/daily card pull/etc. *crossing fingers*
I hope y'all don't mind checking out my website. It still has a long ways to go to be more fleshed out with the info I want to have on there, but I'm pleased just to have blown the dust off it a bit and to have added to it what I have. :-)
A New Year Approaches
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
For sure this has, in many ways, been a lack-luster year for me personally. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for what I have accomplished. I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to continue my Year and a Day class, but at least that falling through wasn't due to my lack of follow-through. However, the things that I am disappointed about are due to that.
Excerpt from my personal journal to explain: "I've been feeling a huge pull to do the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge (we'll see how that goes) and to actually finish the 44 Days of Witchery challenge on mymuch-neglected blog. Sadly, I have yet to actually have the discipline and follow-through to finish any of the challenges I've started out doing. >.< Seriously frikkin' sad, I know. That's something else I want to improve upon: actually finishing the things I start instead of always fading out a few days in.
A new year is rapidly approaching which means that a new Pagan Blog Project challenge will be starting. Should be easy, right? One blog post a week? This year will be my 3rd attempt. I'd really like for it to be the charm.
I think the only thing I've ever really successfully finished was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo back in '09. I had actually started late -- 7 days late to be precise -- but I plugged away at it and actually won! That was my only win out of my NaNo attempts and I didn't even try this year or last year. This November I really don't have any reason to not go for it. This year I was still homeless and last year I was in school.
But I hate the fact that I'm so wishy-washy. I do want to become more disciplined at finishing things I start. I think that is my biggest resolution for the coming year. If I do the 365 Days of Tarot, I want to finish it. If I re-start the 44 Days of Witchery, I want to finish it. If I start the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge, I want to finish it. And, really, I know that there's no real reason that I can't accomplish these things. I know it. It's just me having gotten in my own way in times past. And I know it doesn't have to be that way."
I know, overall, it's not hard to do these things on a daily basis. It's just a matter of actually kicking myself in the ass to do so. Perhaps if I can get myself into a more school-minded way of thinking I'll be more motivated. Give myself deadlines and treat these goals like they're school assignments -- they have to be done, non-optional.
I'll see what I can do for entries for the 44 Days of Witchery (I'm just going to continue where I left off -- no point in basically having repeat entries if I can help it) and for the 30 Days of Otherkin. I dunno if I'll make those entries here, though. We'll see.
My big thing at the moment, though, is trying to find a way to do the Tarot every day. One of my friends on Instagram has done the aforementioned 365 Tarot challenge and that's all well and good. I'd like to do that too, but I'd like to find a way to approach it that will best have me getting acquainted with my Tarot deck. I'd like to find a set of daily exercises I can do. If anyone reading this has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. :-) In the meantime, I will try to get in a good habit of drawing a card every morning and logging the meaning from the book. It's a start, right?
Excerpt from my personal journal to explain: "I've been feeling a huge pull to do the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge (we'll see how that goes) and to actually finish the 44 Days of Witchery challenge on my
A new year is rapidly approaching which means that a new Pagan Blog Project challenge will be starting. Should be easy, right? One blog post a week? This year will be my 3rd attempt. I'd really like for it to be the charm.
I think the only thing I've ever really successfully finished was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo back in '09. I had actually started late -- 7 days late to be precise -- but I plugged away at it and actually won! That was my only win out of my NaNo attempts and I didn't even try this year or last year. This November I really don't have any reason to not go for it. This year I was still homeless and last year I was in school.
But I hate the fact that I'm so wishy-washy. I do want to become more disciplined at finishing things I start. I think that is my biggest resolution for the coming year. If I do the 365 Days of Tarot, I want to finish it. If I re-start the 44 Days of Witchery, I want to finish it. If I start the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge, I want to finish it. And, really, I know that there's no real reason that I can't accomplish these things. I know it. It's just me having gotten in my own way in times past. And I know it doesn't have to be that way."
I know, overall, it's not hard to do these things on a daily basis. It's just a matter of actually kicking myself in the ass to do so. Perhaps if I can get myself into a more school-minded way of thinking I'll be more motivated. Give myself deadlines and treat these goals like they're school assignments -- they have to be done, non-optional.
I'll see what I can do for entries for the 44 Days of Witchery (I'm just going to continue where I left off -- no point in basically having repeat entries if I can help it) and for the 30 Days of Otherkin. I dunno if I'll make those entries here, though. We'll see.
My big thing at the moment, though, is trying to find a way to do the Tarot every day. One of my friends on Instagram has done the aforementioned 365 Tarot challenge and that's all well and good. I'd like to do that too, but I'd like to find a way to approach it that will best have me getting acquainted with my Tarot deck. I'd like to find a set of daily exercises I can do. If anyone reading this has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. :-) In the meantime, I will try to get in a good habit of drawing a card every morning and logging the meaning from the book. It's a start, right?
Trying to Crawl Out of the Pit
Friday, November 15, 2013
I don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page. I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on. There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.
Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)
But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!
In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!
I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"
I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!
It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.
And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.
This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.
I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!
I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!
These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.
Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!
However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.
*deep breath*
Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)
Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)
But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!
In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!
I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!
It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.
And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.
This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.
I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!
I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!
These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.
Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!
However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.
*deep breath*
Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)
Peeping Out of My Rabbit Hole
Monday, August 19, 2013
Wow. Somehow I didn't even realize how long it's been since I last updated! o.O And my Goddess, the dust bunnies have taken over as though it's still Ostara! LoL!Sadly, even now, I find myself at a loss of what to write about. I think it's pretty obvious I gave up on the PBP for this year. Maybe next year I'll actually keep up with it, but I'm honestly not holding my breath at the moment. >.<
Honestly, y'all, things have been really hard for me these past several months. In the wake of Druid and I breaking up -- at first only to try to approach and fix our relationship from a "just friends" angle only for it to become a "broken up for good" thing back in early June -- I pretty much lost all inspiration to write. I haven't even done writing exercises or anything this past summer. I'm not gonna lie: I still hurt but I know that, really, there's just no way for him and I to work out, so I've been having to figure out how to get past this. It's difficult given that he and I will still be living together until our current lease is concluded at the beginning of June. I still love him, but I'm working on letting him go. Most days we manage to get along just fine as friends, which is fine. Most days I do fine and the hurt is just a mild ache. But I still have days where the hurt is just as fresh as the day I realized that there is just no going back for us.
*sigh* And I've pretty much neglected the Facebook page about as badly as I've neglected the blog. I'm hoping to get back into gear with both the blog and the page soon. It really is about time I just suck it up and come out of my rabbit hole.
My Year and a Day classes have been going well. It amazes me, when I look back, to realize that my Year and a Day is about halfway over! o.O Where has the time gone?!?! Currently we're discussing the Sabbats. Last week we discussed Imbolc and tonight we will be discussing Ostara (which reminds me! I need to do some research about Ostara before class tonight! Meep!) such as what it's about and why it's celebrated. I know some basic info, of course, but I need to do some research so I can give my teacher the more in depth answers he's looking for -- something I admittedly bombed on last week *guilty grin*
Before now, we'd been studying the Elementals and calling upon them -- I connect really well with Fire and my Dragon Friend shows up every time I call for Him. ^_^ I still need to practice calling the other Elementals and working on making my connection with them stronger.
Last Full Moon we did our first full-on ritual and it went really well :-) I called Fire, J called Water, S called Earth, and Greyhart called Air. We did the ritual to honor Hera and Zeus. It was a seriously cool ritual! I'd go into more detail, but that will have to wait. Again, I got homework to do before class. LoL!
Overall, that's pretty much the past couple of months in a nutshell. I'm getting by and learning how to heal. Part of me balks at the idea of ever being in a relationship again (and, really, who doesn't go through that feeling when they get out of a toxic relationship?). Part of me feels like I'm just too damaged to ever be good enough for anybody, so why should I try? But the other part of me knows that, while I'm not perfect, I'm not as crappy a girlfriend as I perceive myself. I made mistakes. I was a total bitch sometimes. I had my times where I was selfish and not as considerate as I should have been. I had times where depression spirals turned me into a person I could barely recognize much less like. But, at the heart of it, I know I still tried even though my efforts went largely unappreciated and unnoticed by him.
Sorry. I know that probably sounded self-pitying as all hell. >.< I don't mean to sound that way and I'm not even feeling self-pitying, honestly. Just simply stating facts. *shrug* Oh well. We'll see what the future brings. In the meantime, any healing and positive energy that y'all could send my way would be most appreciated!
)O( Morgaine )O(
Year and a Day Class: Working With the Fire Elementals
Thursday, June 06, 2013
This past Monday's class was AWESOME!
We've been working on calling and banishing the quarters. We've worked with first Earth, then Air, and then we worked with Fire last night (and next week will be Water). I'm still working on gaining confidence in what I'm doing (which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- we're only close to 4 months in to the Year and a Day), so my attempts at evoking first Earth and then Air were.....well, they weren't as good as I COULD have done. However, Greyhart did something different last night.
In order to get us acquainted with the Fire Realm of the Fire Elementals, he had us do a meditation. I was actually surprised at how mine went.
First, he lit a jar candle after making the room quite dark, and then had Jason and I close our eyes. He purposefully kept descriptives vague as he guided us down the start of a path so that we would be allowed to see for our own selves what the Fire Realm looked like without any outside influence.
As I went down this path, I found myself in a bright, arid desert. Normally, I don't like deserts. Barring the occasional visits to Mesa, Arizona to visit my grandparents for Christmas or Spring Break when the desert temperatures weren't nearly so unpleasant, I loved seeing the saguaro in bloom and I loved the desert sunrises and sunsets. But that was about it.
In this desert, heat waves radiated off the ground and while I was sweating like crazy and the heat was uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as other places I've been (such as the Mojave on the way toward San Diego or Los Angeles in September when I was 15 -- OMMFG!!!! It was so hot there, the air seemed hardly breathable!). There was a certain life to this heat. I don't know how to word it.
Anyway, as I continued, I came over a hill and I saw a Dragon. He had the boxy-shaped head similar to a Chinese dragon, but he wasn't as slender as one. He looked at least the size of a hippopotamus but still had the classic Dragon serpentine grace. He wasn't made of scales. He was living fire and he was going around burning things. He was setting trees on fire and other things and it seemed to be for no apparent reason.
Before I thought the better of it, I walked down the hill toward the Dragon. At first I was afraid he would burn me too when he turned, saw me, and stopped what he was doing. Though there were no actual "eyeballs" in that draconian head, his gaze still struck me as being extremely curious. "Why are you doing this?" I asked. "Why are you burning everything?"
"It's my job to," he said simply.
I felt hesitant to say that I didn't understand. Long have I loved Dragons, but even I know better than to annoy one. Still, he took the lost look on my face in stride."I bring about endings and, in those endings, I bring about beginnings. What I do here is what is done in your world. What I burn here burns over there and as I do so, things begin again from the fertile soil of destruction. I clear out the cluttered undergrowth that prohibits growth and I make way for healthy beginnings."
I pondered this for a moment. It made sense. It's not the first time I've heard of fires being set for the sole purpose of preserving the health of a forest. In fact, the first time I heard about this was when my parents and I visited Sequoia National Forest. The guide explained that every so often, a particular section of the forest is set afire to burn away undergrowth and cause fallen pinecones to release their seeds so that new trees will grow."If you so wish, I can do the same for you." That statement startled me. He told me that, basically, he could help me to burn away the old so that the new could start, which would help me to discover who I really am. He gave me a bump on the shoulder with his snout before sauntering off to continue his work.
The next thing I knew, Greyhart's voice was calling us back, coaxing us to come back down the path out of the Fire Realm. When we got back, he asked us to tell him of what we saw. When Jason and I finished regaling him with our adventures, Greyhart asked us how long we thought we'd been there.
In my head I knew it had to be a mere amount of minutes, but as I thought of all I'd seen and the conversation with the Dragon that I'd had, it FELT like I'd been there at least an hour.
"I watched the clock while you guys were gone and you were gone for exactly 3 minutes." He went on to explain that time in the other realms ran differently than they do here. This is something I already knew, but still. It was good to talk about. He also asked us how we moved around in the Fire Realm. "I started out walking when you were guiding us down the path, but when I got there, all I really had to do was think 'I'd like to be over there' and there I was. Hell, it didn't even really take a thought." 'Cause when I thought about it, I didn't remember doing much walking. I'd start to walk in a particular direction, but then I'd just be there in the blink of an eye and it didn't even dawn on me how "abnormal" that is.
"The laws of locomotion also don't apply the same as they do here. It's different wherever you go," he explained. He also expressed how pleased he was by the fact that we'd not only found the Fire Realm but that some of the creatures there had actually talked to us.
Finally, we got to the part of the evening where we practiced summoning Fire Elementals. Naturally, because of my shy preference to let other people go before me so as to get an idea of how I want to do something, Greyhart had me go first. Oh goody! Maybe someday I'll get over that awkwardness of being thrown in the pool to swim first. LoL!
Anyway, so my first attempt kinda fizzled. The being that came through was kinda puny and its energy sputtered a bit. It kinda felt like I'd started to bring over something of decent size but then just ended up with a fistful of fur. Does that make any sense? Even Greyhart, from where he sat on the couch, gave me a rather bemused look like "Really? Surely you can do better."
He stood from the couch, had me face back toward the south, put his hands on my shoulder blades to help me ground for a moment, and then told me to envision that that portal path to the Fire Realm again. I can't remember all of what he said, but at one particular thing he said, I saw the path burst into flames on either side as it shot the rest of the way into the Fire Realm. As soon as I felt that, I knew exactly who I wanted to find and it didn't take me but a moment. Standing not too far away from the portal entrance was my Dragon friend. I felt a swell of joy that he was there. In the moments before I said the words to call him to my circle, the Dragon had already said he would come.
"Hail to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the South. I call you forth to be a guard unto my circle. Be here now." As I said that last while drawing a Pentagram in the air, I felt a ripple of energy shoot from my chest and I knew he was there. I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes again to look back at Greyhart.
His eyes were wide. "Damn!" Jason's eyes were quite wide as well. Greyhart asked him to tell us what he felt.
"What she called through made itself small enough to fit into the room, but I can tell it's A LOT bigger than that. I can feel the heat emanating from the south. I seriously feel like I'm standing next to a furnace. When it came through, I felt like I was within feet of one of those pyrotechnic torches that they use for special effects."
That thrilled me enough, but Greyhart's words sent me straight into elation. He basically gave me major props. He said that that was my best conjuration ever, it was FAR BETTER than the ones I did for Air and Earth previously. He even said that the Dragon was the biggest Elemental that had ever been called in his house.
Seriously, while he was telling me all this, I just wanted to do a friggin' happy dance. ^_^ The crowning point was when he told me that this is why he'd taken me on as a student -- because he'd seen my potential for doing magick like this. "You keep doing what you just did and, someday when you're leading ritual, people are gonna notice and feel what you're doing and they're gonna want to know how you did that."I thought my face was gonna crack. ^_^
At last, when I sent the Dragon back home, I silently thanked him for coming before saying the words to send him home. After he left, the temperature in the room, though it had been hot from the get-go and had gotten even hotter when the Dragon arrived, went back down by a noticeable degree and I felt like I was walking on air.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
