PBP Wks 7 & 8: D is for DOUBLE POST!

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I don't see any point, really, in doing two separate posts for the D topics at this juncture.  The topics I have chosen are 1: Depression and 2: Discipline.

Depression -

I've mentioned this on my blog before, a conversation I had with my mother not terribly long ago.  It, for me, was a very disheartening conversation.  It felt like my relationship with my mother had taken ginormous steps back.  I'm talking "Back to when I first came out of the 'broom closet' with her" sort of thing.  I know she doesn't see it this way, but I felt that she was judging me ill for being a Pagan when, obviously, it hasn't made me the happiest fucking fluffy bunny on the face of the planet.

That's how it's supposed to work, right?  You find the spirituality that you feel is right for you and everything bad in your life, including depression, just magickally goes POOF! and disappears, right?

WRONG!!   I'm sorry, but it does not work that way.  Not even for Christians, despite how much they might protest to the opposite.  Religion/spirituality is not a cure-all.  It does not erase from us the responsibility of seeking out our healing and working through our problems, no matter what it might be from.  What it does, however, is empower us with the strength to strive for our healing.  And for things like emotional/mental issues like depression, it is a lot of work!  Mind you, I don't take medication for depression, though there are many times I wish I could.  I have no doubt that I've got a hormonal imbalance that contributes, but even then a pill isn't going to fix the situations that contribute to depressive episodes.  What I end up having to do is find coping methods when I go into a spiral or I feel like I'm heading that way.

As it is, I've been dealing with clinical depression for probably around a decade and a half.  I was 19 when my mother had a talk with me to tell me that that's what I have.  Have I ever been officially diagnosed?  No.  But it doesn't take a genius to see that I exhibit a good 98% of the symptoms.  Trying to find ways to deal with it hasn't been easy, especially after spending the better (or worse, rather) part of 6 years with a husband who scorned me for having depression to begin with.  He was thoroughly unsupportive and would even make fun of me if I ever made the mistake of telling him I was dealing with a spiral.  Oh, and then he would go into these tirades about how he was manic depressive and he could deal with it in these ways, so I should be able to as well and blah, blah, blah.   Never could I count on him for support of any kind -- I can't count how many times he treated me like a weakling because of it.   I could go into so much where he's concerned, but what's the point?

The point is that, despite what people like him (and Tom Cruise) say, depression is a very real and very valid  affliction.  If you are having to deal with it, I want  you to understand something:  YOU ARE NOT WEAK.  YOU ARE NOT A STUPID PERSON.   And if you have anyone in your life who treats you like this because you deal with depression, then they need to be booted from your life ASAP if at all possible. Things like that can turn a depressive person suicidal in real short order.  I had suicidal thoughts because of my ex-husband a couple of times.  I felt like he didn't care (he didn't).  I felt like nobody really cared.  I felt like it must seriously just be me with the problem.  That shit can cause a deathly spiral in no time.   And even the one time I told my ex-husband that I was feeling suicidal, can you guess what reaction I got?  Here's a clue: it wasn't a caring one.  It wasn't a supportive one.

Being Pagan has not cured my depression anymore than being a Christian did.  And it, quite frankly, stung me when my mother said what she did.  I, honestly, wanted to tell her  "Are you kidding me?"  I wanted to ask her if being a Christian had helped her past her depression and issues from things she suffered as a child (which I will not go into here, but trust me, y'all, it was BAD especially when she started to remember them) or if she'd really had to work at getting past and healing from these things.  'Cause lemme be the first to tell you that she had to fight like hell to get past these horrors and to even forgive enough to not be enslaved by her hatred.  I was there for it.  I was there as I watched her snub off contact with her family until, gradually, she healed enough to be able to first endure them and then finally love them again.   It was not easy.  God did not give her a magickal cure-all anymore than He and Brighid have given me one.  And believe me, I've got my own childhood issues to deal with, especially where my step-dad is concerned.

However, what God and Goddess/Brighid HAVE done for me is be there for me.  They've given me the empowerment and the strength to keep working at shedding the situational garbage that has contributed to my depression.  Am I there yet?  No.  I'm not.   I still have a LONG way to go, especially where it concerns being freed and healed from the things that's happened in my life.  It is a daily effort.  Especially where it concerns my thoughts.  There are so many times where I'll start to think about painful things that have happened and I get angry all over again.  And then it runs around in my head like a couple of ferrets and I find myself diologuing in my head.  I'll find myself daydreaming of getting to tell these people EXACTLY what I think of them and where they can shove it.  I find myself daydreaming of telling my ex-husband and one particular family member who thinks himself infallible that you CAN'T just say hurtful shit to people and then act like THEY'RE the problem and to grow some balls, stop putting the focus on me and actually start looking at themselves and realize what horridly unkind people they are.

That kind of shit runs through my head for hours if I can't get it to stop and, believe me, it is seriously difficult to get it to stop.  Especially if it's during the time that I'm supposed to be sleeping.  It is a genuine effort that I have to give, sometimes daily, to not allow myself to be haunted and tortured by these things.  But it is possible!

One thing that's definitely helped me is looking for things to be happy and thankful for -- to realize how much God and Goddess/Brighid have stuck by me through thick and thin.  They have brought me through so much and in one piece!  I still struggle, but it gets easier to remember as time goes on.  I think back on where I used to be and realize that, even though things aren't even close to perfect, I am still so much better off than I was.

I'm still an angry person.  I'm not gonna lie.  And I still go through REALLY BAD depression spirals sometimes.  I had one this last summer that was a total doozy; it was the worst spiral I'd had in YEARS!  And Druid, thank Goddess, stuck by me through it all.  Not unscathed, that's for sure, but he stuck by me and supported me as best he could.  He didn't call me weak or pathetic.  He didn't scoff me off.  He didn't treat me like I was a stupid burden who could control these things from happening.  I'm so thankful to be with him.  We've endured so much shit over the past few years -- things that would have had other people throwing in the towel and moving on.  We've stuck together and fought for each other even as much as we've fought against each other.  I honestly don't think I could have gotten to where I am -- made the progress I have -- without him.  <3


Discipline (or the lack thereof) -

Truthfully, I lack it.  It sort of, for me, ties a lot into my depression issues.  It's hard for me to stay motivated and keep going on something that I should be doing, especially if I'm dealing with a spiral or I'm over-stressed by shit going on in the every-day life.  But I'm learning.

I lacked the discipline to be able to go through my Year and a Day on my own as a Solitary.  Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing.  I prefer the "monkey see, monkey do" approach.  I know that what I'm doing now will still require A LOT of discipline to keep going with it even when those times inevitably arise where I feel like "But I don't WANNA go!!!"

It's not even just Paganism where I lack discipline.  Lack of discipline has gotten me in trouble where my schoolwork is concerned (which is why I'm trying very hard to make sure that I stay caught up on everything this semester!) and it's even made it to where I've not made any progress on my health and fitness goals.  And, believe me, I know I have no one else to blame but myself.  I mean, yes, life gets busy and it's hard to find time to work out like I would like.  But lack of discipline has shown me that I'm a total weakling right now where food is concerned.  I totally trashed my metabolism by compulsive snacking and it's been hard trying to break out of that rut.   There are so many things that would be better for me if I just get stubborn and whip myself into shape.

The path of the Witch is one that really does require discipline.  It requires that we really know ourselves, we know our motives, and we don't get in a habit of lying to ourselves about why we do the things we do.  Being a Witch really does require some cajones because it's not an easy thing to be honest with ourselves.  If we're madder than a wet hen at somebody who's done us wrong and we want to just automatically blast them with some sort of delicious hex, it's hard realizing that we still need to be responsible enough to figure out if that's truly necessary.  I'm fully of the belief, as I've said before, that breaking out the bitchcraft is perfectly acceptable and appropriate at certain times.  However, most of the time we might as well just be shooting a mosquito with a bazooka.

Being a Witch means we need to be able to recognize when we can solve something on a mundane level instead of using magick as a cure-all.  It's perfectly alright to turn to magick to solve things, but it's much better if we try to solve things without it first.   If you've had a fight with your spouse or best friend, don't just automatically break out the freezer bags for a spell unless you're just as willing to do one on yourself. After all, is it not quite possible that you're just as at fault for the bullshit?  Do you, perhaps, need to be the one to apologize this time?  At least for your part of it.  Mundane means like trying to make amends sometimes is all it takes and it's good for us to do things like that.  It exercises our character-building muscles.  ^_^   And, believe me, it's a lesson I'm still learning.  I used to be a lot better at apologizing and realizing my own fault in conflicts, but that got lost somewhere along the way and I'm having to re-learn.  I'm having to re-learn that, as much as it stings the pride, saying a sincere "I'm sorry" can be one of the quickest balms to a wounded situation between two people.

Overall, having discipline means to be able to look at yourself honestly, recognize your faults and where you lack, and to try to find ways to better ourselves.  It means to find it within yourself to set a goal and to stick to it.  Don't be wishy-washy like me.  That's something I'm still having to work on.

)O( Morgaine )O(

PBP Wk 5: C is for Candlemas Happy Imbolc!!!

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I didn't want to pick a topic that would be obvious, but I just can't help it for today.  Today is Imbolc/Candlemas.  Also known as Brighid's Feast.  Most everybody already knows the basic information about Imbolc and Brighid's hand in ushering in the Spring according to Her lore.  Most know that Imbolc is the celebration of the halfway point in Winter before the Spring Equinox.  I'm not going to be writing about facts (but if there's anything you want to know, you should check out this Wikipedia article about Imbolc).

I've been feeling Brighid around a lot lately.  She has helped me a lot through this latest bout of depression that I've gone through concerning some things that I've had to realize about my family.  It's a long story and it's not something I'm going to go into here.  But Brighid has been showing Herself to me a lot lately as though She's trying to remind me that She is also my mother, She hasn't given up on me nor looked down on me for my failures. Hell, She doesn't even see them as failures; they're merely chances and opportunities to get up and try again.  To Her, mistakes are not something to beat me over the head with; they're just chances to learn and to better myself.

I was writing about these things on my desktop diary software (shameless name-dropping here: Chrysanth is awesome!) and as I was doing so, I literally felt a loving warmth and peace settle over me and I knew it was Her.  I feel Her even now.  So, to celebrate my Mother Goddess' day, I'm going to be doing a Flamekeeping shift.  It's not my scheduled day to do so, but you know what? I think when it's Imbolc, every daughter of Brighid should keep the Sacred Flame if she feels compelled to do so.  I have no doubts that Brighid keeps it alongside us today.

I'm also have been feeling the need to work with my Tarot cards again.  Unfortunately, that's something I slumped back on, but since Imbolc is considered a good day for divinations, I think it's a good day to begin again on my journey to learn my Tarot and to try to do better at doing my Daily Card readings.  I wish I could have a chance to visit a stream today, but that's probably not going to happen.  However, cleaning my water fountain and refilling it can be the next best thing. ^_^

I'm so thankful for Brighid's love.  I'm so thankful that she truly does still love me and sees the best in me even when I can't see the best in myself.  Even when others, such as people from my family, can't seem to see the best in me.

Imbolc is a celebration of the journey from the darkness of Winter to the coming light of Spring.  I'm thankful to my Mother Goddess, the Bright One, for her continuing to help me work through the darkness of things that have troubled me for many years.  One doesn't wade through that amount of muck overnight.  It takes time and effort, but I can feel myself gradually shedding these things and as I do, I feel more and more light.  Working through all these things that I've buried down isn't pleasant by any stretch, but it's necessary.

It wasn't that long ago that my mother basically scoffed at my spirituality because it hasn't seemed, in her eyes, to have made me a happier person the way Christianity is "supposed to".  SMH   And that was simply because, yeah, on my Facebook, I'm often expressing my anger and worries about a bunch of different things.  I'm sorry, but it's really sad that so many Christians think that  "Oh yes!  I've accepted Jesus into my heart, so God is just going to go and make everything better!!"   It doesn't work that way.  If it did, then there'd never even be such a thing as a Christian who experiences troubles and depression.

I had to tell my mother that, basically, that just because I still experience troubles and depression doesn't mean that I'm not happy being Pagan.  Are you kidding me?  I LOVE being Pagan!  Being Pagan has brought me far more joy than being a Christian ever did.  But, quite frankly, I've learned to be more expressive about what I feel instead of trying to stuff it down, so yes, I even express when something has pissed me off.  I've learned that my feelings (when they're not dripping sunshine and rainbows) are inconvenient to other people, but that's their problem. Not mine.

Do I still have a lot to learn about working through my emotions in a more constructive manner?  Oh, definitely!  But I have no doubts that Brighid will help me with that too.  May the Bright One give you many blessings on this, Her Feast Day!

Happy Imbolc/Candlemas and Blessed Be!

)O( Morgaine Kildare )O(

44 DoW Day 5: A Favorite Goddess

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I know I haven't really done well in keeping up with the 44 Days of Witchery, but at least I haven't completely flaked out.  I may not yet have been able to make a post every day, but at least I haven't given up on getting through this challenge.

On the topic of a favorite Goddess, I will say that I have a hard time choosing.  Obviously, Brighid would be my number one favvie.  She is my Matron Goddess, my beloved Mother.  In Brighid, I have felt the comfort of a mother that I haven't felt in a very long time.  It is no slight against my own mother, but she and I are not as close as we used to be, as sad as that makes me.  I had admired Brighid for several years before I'd felt the call for me to dedicate myself to Her.  I will never forget that magickal day when Brighid first showed Herself to me.

I was working at a call center at that time.  I decided to sit back and meditate during one of my breaks and I had brought my MP3 player to work with me so I could listen to one of my favorite chants, "The Earth, The Air, The Fire, The Water" by Libana.  There is a quiet mysticism about that chant that is just so powerful to me, I can hardly explain.  As I meditated while listening to that chant on repeat, I found myself wandering this beautifully lush forest.  It reminded me of pictures I'd seen of the forests of Washington state.  The trees were breathtaking and covered in moss.  The forest floor had an emerald carpet of ferns, and there was the scent of rich, loamy earth in the air as well as the dampness of impending rains.  I found myself wandering this forest, soaking up the magick that was so potent there, it made my skin buzz.

Before long, I came upon a creek and there She was.  She had long, flaming red hair that fell to Her backside and She was dressed in a simple white gown that came down to just above Her ankles.  She had the most beautiful, welcoming smile I'd ever seen and, even though She never actually said a word to me, I knew exactly who She was.  She had been on my mind for a few days with this sort of pull on my heart that resulted in it aching with longing.  She was standing in the creek when I first saw Her.  When She first smiled at me, I couldn't help myself. I went immediately to her and she pulled me into Her arms for a loving embrace.  She walked with me for a while.  She never spoke, but She didn't have to.  I knew She was showing Herself to me in order to call me to Her.  And when it was time for my meditation to end, I got the feeling from Her that she hoped to see me again soon.

I did another meditation a couple days later.  I was feeling a bit depressed (I can't even remember why) and put on that chant to meditate to again.  She appeared to me again, in that same stream I'd first met Her in.  She beckoned me to take Her hand and she led me down the stream until we reached a point where the stream became a small waterfall that fell into an isolated pool.  She silently urged me to leap into the pool, which I did.  And as I plunged into the waters, I could feel my depression slowly washing away.

Now, at the time I only knew a few things about Brighid -- that She was a triple Goddess of Healing/Midwifery, Poetry/Inspiration, and Smithcraft.  It wasn't until after I met Her in that first meditation that I began to do more digging and I found out a few things about Her that made it quite clear to me that my meeting Her had not been just my imagination.   One of the things that are sacred to her are wells and springs.  In fact, I hadn't even known at that time that she has a sacred well in Kildare, Ireland where her Sacred Flame is tended.  So, the fact that She had first appeared to me standing in a spring was particularly significant to me and even now, the memory of it still fills me with warmth.

She is the reason I have felt the call to achieve my degrees to become a Priestess.

There are other Goddesses I like and admire, such as Athena, Hecate, and especially Selene.  I am fond of the moon goddesses, and Selene is definitely one of my faves in that regard.  I have a feeling that I'm going to be working closely with her sometime in the future.