I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This Year

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I'm sorry for my long absence this year.  I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging.  Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish.  I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.

My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself.  But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous.  Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.

I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like.  April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system.  I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok.  I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.

When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else?   However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am.  The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him.  Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself.  There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return.  It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.

At least I can take responsibility for myself.  It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore.  And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him.  No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance.  And the funny thing?  She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc.  He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me.  Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it.  To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy.  It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.

I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs.  When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine.  When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc.  And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again.  But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are?  It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.

When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life.  And I flat-out told him I was done.  It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore.  Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died.  What can I say?  Double standards have that effect on me.  Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.

So, that's that.

I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life.  My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to.  I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids.  I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man).  If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes.  If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes.  It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve.  We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.

So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point.  My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here.  My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through.  She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless.  My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok.  The Goddess has brought us through.  Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better.  I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that.  :-)  These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything.  Is life perfect right now?  No, not even close.  But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her.  Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!

The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me.  The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)

Pagan Blog Project Wk 3: B is for Belief

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be·lief

biˈlēf/

noun

noun: belief; plural noun: beliefs

1. 1.

   an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

   "his belief in the value of hard work"

   • something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction.

     "contrary to popular belief, Aramaic is a living language"

     synonyms:

     opinion, view, conviction, judgment, thinking, way of thinking, idea,impression, theory, conclusion, notion More

   • a religious conviction.

     "Christian beliefs"

     synonyms:

     ideology, principle, ethic, tenet, canon; More

2. 2.

   trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something.

   "a belief in democratic politics"

   synonyms:

   faith, trust, reliance, confidence, credence More

   
   

   antonyms:

   disbelief, doubt

When I met my Year and a Day teacher, Greyhart, last year at the Paths and Traditions fair that Living Earth was hosting, he was sitting behind a table that held an assortment of altar objects. I had just gotten done speaking with Chris and Kelly, the representatives of a local Celtic Reconstructionist group and Greyhart's table was right next to theirs. I was feeling terribly awkward and shy as well as stressed out from worrying (too much) about my kids' behavior. Greyhart had put me at ease pretty quickly and when we started talking, he asked me a simple question: of all the altar objects on the table, which one was the most powerful?

I quietly looked at the objects for a moment -- I remember the athame, but I honestly can't remember what else was there. Doesn't matter. After a moment's hesitation, I looked up and said "It's not the objects that are powerful. They're only as powerful as the person holding them."


Altar tools are nice to have. Hell, I love having altar tools. Most of the pieces on my altar are treasured knick-knacks -- a Faerie Glen faerie and a Native American faerie that one of my dearest friends gifted to me, a horse figurine that was a Christmas gift from my brother when I was still a kid, and a horse tealight candle lamp that I received as a high school graduation gift from the woman who taught me how to ride.
The more definitively Pagan items I have on my altar is my Goddess statue, my Moon Phases goddess tealight holder, and my athame, which I don't even keep on my altar full-time because, obviously, I have kids and I'm not comfortable leaving it out where they can get to it.

The Goddess statue I have on my altar
Pentacle Goddess by Abby Willowroot
as shown on SacredSource.com

Anywho, getting back on track toward the point: I love my altar tools, but while they're nice to have, they are not NECESSARY for doing magick. They basically provide a focus for the magick we wield.


The most important tool we have to make our magick work for whatever purpose we have is our faith and belief. Our certainty that our spell will work gives it the energetic punch to get more than a figurative few feet from our workspace, get out there into the Cosmos, and get it done.


It's nice to have the additional energies of things like herbs and candles and incense and whatever else, but if we don't have any of those magickal helpers at our disposal for getting a spell done, we are not left helpless and bereft of accomplishing our magickal goal(s).  If we have no tools or other supplies to work with, we can still have a full-on spell/ritual without them, even if all that's done is simply meditating on our goal and sending out energy to have it done.  But all the acts of going through ritual motions and what-not in the world doesn't mean a whole lot if you don't have the belief/faith/conviction that your spell will be successful.

Bringing your emotions into your spell can help fuel your belief.  As previously mentioned in an earlier PBP post, anger can be a very powerful fuel for a justice spell or a protection spell or even an appropriately-spun curse or hex or whatever.

Strong desire for a particular result, for example you're wanting a particular job, -- wanting it SO BADLY that you can practically taste it -- can put the punch into a job spell.  But the desire should be a productive desire, not a whiny, petulant desire.  Does that make sense?

Your desire for said job has to be the desire of determination, not the type of desire you see from a tantrum-throwing child who wants a toy.  That shit never accomplishes anything good.  But to envision yourself with that job, seeing all the hard work you are going to do when you get that job, seeing the things you'll do to better your life and the lives of your children (if you have children), etc can put a hefty dose of oomph into your job spell.

Simply going through the motions of a pre-written spell isn't enough.  I'm not saying pre-written spells shouldn't be used.  Not at all.  But I know from prior experience that even if you've got the spell and all the items you need/want for it, if you don't have the desire and the belief for the spell to come to fruition, all you're doing is putting on a play.

This past week I've done a job spell.  I have a job interview coming up for a job that I DESPERATELY want, and I do mean DESPERATELY.  If I get this job, not only could I build a viable career off of it instead of only being stuck in penny-anny jobs that go nowhere, but it would also pay well enough to adequately support my children!  I would finally be able to build a GOOD life for us, start chipping away at my debts, build up my savings, and accomplish the financial goals I have set for myself.  This job would have the potential to get me to where the kids and I want to be and actually be successful and independent, no longer having to rely on the help of government assistance!  :-D  That would mean no more Foodstamps, no more TANF!

I could go on and on and on about this job.  But I won't.  LoL

Before I got scheduled for an interview, the hiring manager told me that she wasn't sure if they still needed any more people for the job and that they had just hired one person.  She told me to call her back within a couple of days and that she'd be able to tell me if they were still hiring or not.  I'm not gonna lie, I was ready to freak the hell out because if this job didn't work out for me, then I'd be stuck back with fast food jobs and that is SO not what I want!

After we got off the phone, I began to focus like crazy on that job.  Filling a bath with some Lavender Epsom salts to cleanse off the despondency and fear I was feeling, I relaxed, closed my eyes, and meditated on the job.  "There IS still an opening for that job, I WILL have a job interview for it, and I WILL get hired!" I said over and over and over again.  I finally went quiet and visualized my interview with the hiring manager and saw it going well, I repeatedly visualized myself going into the business place to start my work day, standing behind the counter to help people, taking their payments, learning the things I needed to know, busting my ass to progress, etc.  Every time I felt my concentration slipping onto other things, I'd give myself a mental shake and bring myself back to the visualization of me going to work and doing the job.  I didn't move from the bath until I had that mental image so firmly ingrained in my brain that there was just no doubts left in my mind that I'd get the job.

After taking my shower, I put some Cinnamon Mint scented oil into my oil warmer.  Both Cinnamon and Mint are very good for attracting money, prosperity, jobs, etc.  I also got a couple of cinnamon sticks from my spice rack and burned them in my cauldron.  Granted, of course, they wouldn't stay lit by themselves, but I didn't mind.  Focusing on them burning, repeatedly re-lighting them, just helped to sharpen my focus on my drawing that job to me.

The next day when I spoke to the hiring manager, I was EXCEEDINGLY delighted to learn that, indeed, they do still have one more opening for the job I want and I was scheduled to meet with her in a job interview this coming Wednesday.  I can't even BEGIN to tell you my delight!  I'm not even kidding, after we got off the phone, I jumped around in ridiculously stupid circles, squealing my head off!  So far, my job spell has worked!  And I am still certain that it will continue to work until I am walking into the business for my first day of work!  We shall see!

But my point to all this is that lighting the cinnamon sticks and putting the oil on my oil warmer in and of itself didn't do jack shit.  But my focus and belief that this spell would work combined with the energies of the cinnamon and mint has, so far, brought about the (uber) desired results.

When you want a result to come about, you HAVE to believe that it will work.  You can't let yourself doubt, as difficult as that may be.

And even then, we know that there will still be times that, no matter how much a punch we put into our spells, belief and all, it still might not work out the way we want it to.  That does NOT make you a failure or your spell a failure.  I, personally, just take that as a sign that whatever it was was not meant to be.  The gods/the universe/the fates/whatever energies/deity(ies) you pray to or whatever still have the right to tell us "no", "not yet", "I've got a different plan for you" or whatever.

But in this case, I have the fullest faith that a job that I can actually prosper at for me and my children is DEFINITELY what I'm supposed to have.  I have felt pulled toward this job since it was first mentioned to me that they were hiring for it and that I didn't have to have any prior experience or certifications for it.

I know that this PBP entry wasn't uber well-written and was a bit scattered, but I hope I've managed to put the point across nevertheless.

I Choose

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I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning.  See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around.  Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far.  Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in.  Hasn't worked.

My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place.  Last night it was with dealing with their homework.  Oh. My. Goddess.  My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are.  *twitch*   Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.

*sigh*

Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing.   And this morning wasn't very good either.  It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around.  -_-  This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night.  Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.

Nope.

Sage didn't know where his coat was and Rain had her homework stuff all over the place and didn't have her shoes or socks where they were supposed to be, so she couldn't find them.  *twitch twitch*  Frustration, once again, got the better of me and it ended up being just a really shitty morning.  More yelling, more deep breathing to try to calm myself down that didn't work, etc.  Yay! -_-  Not.

I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame.  I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief.  While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner.

I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room.  I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart).  Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready.  Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag.

"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me.  I choose to not yell.  I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me.  I choose to be more patient."  I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip.  When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out.  I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.

As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more.  I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper.  But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity.  So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."

I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods.   I lit the Pine.  "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine."  I lit the two brown candles, saying both times  "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."

After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.


As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy.  There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise.  Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do.  A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges.  Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do.  So they kinda have to watch their step.  Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home.  Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).

We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop.  Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home.  And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.

I don't know.  It's different for everyone.

I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often.  Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break.  I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me.  I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.

Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room.  It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable.  Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids.  I feel completely out of control and powerless.  Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children.  HELL no.  I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.

I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled.  Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm.  Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.

Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent.  I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better.  I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong.  I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!"  -_-  Seriously?  It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.

But my children know that I love them.  The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.

Making mistakes does not make us bad parents.  Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.

And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day.  :-)

Happy Mother's Day!

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I hope all the mommies who read my page had a wonderful Mother's Day!  Whether you are the mommy to a human child, a furbaby, a plant even, or are like a mother to someone!


My Mother's Day has been the best I've had in years!  For one thing, it's my first Mother's Day as a happily divorced woman!  :-D  For another, today was a beautiful day, so I took my kiddos to the park and OMG they needed it! LoL  I had to get onto them a few times because for a little while, they were THE LOUDEST and most obnoxious kids on the playground!  XD   But it was a good outing and it was fun watching them get to play with other kiddos and enjoy being out of the house.  Right now, they are chowing down on Velveeta Shells 'N Cheese for dinner to be followed up with by some Sun Chips and an apple for dessert.  ^_^  Yep, life is good.

On the writing front, I am pleased to report that between last night and this morning, I've managed to write two poems.  ^_^  I know, it doesn't sound like much, but still, it's something.  It's more than the empty screen I was staring at for the longest time that was taunting me with the mental image of it collecting dust.

I hesitate to post them here or anywhere lest that mean that I can't submit them anywhere for publication, but if anyone reading this wouldn't mind acting as a beta reader for me, that would be awesome!  I am eager to get some opinions on these.  :-D  Just leave me a comment here or send me a message on the Facebook page and I will send them to you.

Proud Pagan Mom

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This first day of 2013 has brought me pride as a mother.  Aspen, Rain, and I have spent much of the morning and early afternoon talking about Paganism.  What started it was my watching this documentary about witches narrated by Leonard Nimoy called "Ancient Mysteries: Witches".

It's a wonderful documentary. It talks about witches in history both from fact as well as addressing how witches were so demonized; it talks about the witch hunts and, ultimately, ends with how witches are in the modern days.

Anyway, so I was watching this and Aspen and Rain had a lot of questions about the things that the show talked about, which also ended up going on to other topics like reincarnation and ghosts.  It was so nice getting to talk about these things with the kiddos. Even better, our talk seems to have renewed their vigor for learning.  Aspen especially was begging for "witch books" to read!  ^_^  Sadly, the only child-age "witch book" I have is a wonderful little storybook by Starhawk called "The Last Wild Witch".  I haven't been able to afford more children-age Pagan books yet, but that's definitely one of my goals as soon as I've got the money.

One book in particular that I am BADLY wanting to get is a book called "An Ordinary Girl, A Magical Child".  I have seen some amazing reviews about it on Amazon.com and I think it's at the top of my "to get" list in regards to Pagan children's books for my kiddos.  There are some other books I'm interested in getting for the kiddos, but "An Ordinary Girl, A Magical Child" is at the top of my list.

Aspen was even gung-ho to read some of my Pagan books. I had to explain to him that he wouldn't really be able to understand what they were saying; but his desire delighted me nonetheless, which I made sure to express to him.  

But all this childlike wonder and eagerness from him and Rain today reawakened my desire to teach my children the Craft.  It's still frustrating to not really know how, but whining about that isn't going to accomplish anything.  This presents me the opportunity of being able to learn right alongside them in hopes that, one day when they are grown, they'll be able to look back fondly and be able to refer to their childhood as being magickal.

Testing Out the Blogger App

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It's 2:30am at this time. Druid, my beloved boyfriend, is out at his job and my poor eldest baby boy, Aspen, has gotten sick  :-(   I've given him a ginger tablet, had him chew on some mint gum, and gave him a cup of Yogi Stomach Soother tea.  Now all I can do is wait and see if it helps him at all and allows him to get some sleep.

This just sucks though. I friggin' HATE IT when any of my kiddos get sick even if it's just because their food didn't agree with their tummy. But, at any rate, Aspen will definitely be staying home from school tomorrow.  Good thing I already have the day off.

So, whoever is reading this, please send my little guy your good thoughts, positive energy, and prayers that he feels better ASAP.  I'm really hoping that he'll be able to sleep now that he's had some tea.  *crosses fingers*