Peeping Out of My Rabbit Hole

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Wow.  Somehow I didn't even realize how long it's been since I last updated!  o.O  And my Goddess, the dust bunnies have taken over as though it's still Ostara!  LoL!

Sadly, even now, I find myself at a loss of what to write about.  I think it's pretty obvious I gave up on the PBP for this year.  Maybe next year I'll actually keep up with it, but I'm honestly not holding my breath at the moment.  >.<

Honestly, y'all, things have been really hard for me these past several months.  In the wake of Druid and I breaking up -- at first only to try to approach and fix our relationship from a "just friends" angle only for it to become a "broken up for good" thing back in early June -- I pretty much lost all inspiration to write.  I haven't even done writing exercises or anything this past summer.  I'm not gonna lie: I still hurt but I know that, really, there's just no way for him and I to work out, so I've been having to figure out how to get past this.  It's difficult given that he and I will still be living together until our current lease is concluded at the beginning of June.  I still love him, but I'm working on letting him go.  Most days we manage to get along just fine as friends, which is fine.  Most days I do fine and the hurt is just a mild ache.  But I still have days where the hurt is just as fresh as the day I realized that there is just no going back for us.

*sigh*  And I've pretty much neglected the Facebook page about as badly as I've neglected the blog.  I'm hoping to get back into gear with both the blog and the page soon.  It really is about time I just suck it up and come out of my rabbit hole.

My Year and a Day classes have been going well.  It amazes me, when I look back, to realize that my Year and a Day is about halfway over!  o.O  Where has the time gone?!?!  Currently we're discussing the Sabbats.  Last week we discussed Imbolc and tonight we will be discussing Ostara (which reminds me!  I need to do some research about Ostara before class tonight!  Meep!) such as what it's about and why it's celebrated.  I know some basic info, of course, but I need to do some research so I can give my teacher the more in depth answers he's looking for -- something I admittedly bombed on last week *guilty grin*

Before now, we'd been studying the Elementals and calling upon them -- I connect really well with Fire and my Dragon Friend shows up every time I call for Him.  ^_^  I still need to practice calling the other Elementals and working on making my connection with them stronger.

Last Full Moon we did our first full-on ritual and it went really well  :-)   I called Fire, J called Water, S called Earth, and Greyhart called Air.  We did the ritual to honor Hera and Zeus.  It was a seriously cool ritual!  I'd go into more detail, but that will have to wait.  Again, I got homework to do before class.  LoL!

Overall, that's pretty much the past couple of months in a nutshell.  I'm getting by and learning how to heal.  Part of me balks at the idea of ever being in a relationship again (and, really, who doesn't go through that feeling when they get out of a toxic relationship?).  Part of me feels like I'm just too damaged to ever be good enough for anybody, so why should I try?  But the other part of me knows that, while I'm not perfect, I'm not as crappy a girlfriend as I perceive myself.  I made mistakes.  I was a total bitch sometimes.  I had my times where I was selfish and not as considerate as I should have been.  I had times where depression spirals turned me into a person I could barely recognize much less like.  But, at the heart of it, I know I still tried even though my efforts went largely unappreciated and unnoticed by him.

Sorry.  I know that probably sounded self-pitying as all hell.  >.<  I don't mean to sound that way and I'm not even feeling self-pitying, honestly.  Just simply stating facts.  *shrug*    Oh well.   We'll see what the future brings.  In the meantime, any healing and positive energy that y'all could send my way would be most appreciated!

)O(  Morgaine )O(

Sometimes you have to take steps back before you can go forward

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Alllllllllllllllrighty.   It's been close to a month since I last made a post.  >.<   I'm at the point where I have no idea where to start to try to tell about everything that's gone on.  Hell, I've got a draft post that I still need to finish to tell what's been going on with my Year and a Day class.  Yet, that one's been stuck in my Drafts folder for how long?  Psh!  Almost a month!

Things have been crazier than usual.  One of the biggest things I've been dealing with is being sick.  I caught the crud from my kiddoes and it has been kicking my butt all over the place.  I finally went to be seen at the ER last night because I wanted to be sure it wasn't turning into something serious (my biggest worry was pneumonia).  Thankfully, I just have a respiratory infection which the Z-pack I was prescribed should have it taken care of in no time.  ^_^

The other big thing (aside from trying to get caught up on schoolwork) is that Druid and I have, basically, broken up for the time being.  We have had a lot of residual things, resentments, building up against each other.  We had a huge blow-out about a week & 1/2 ago (give or take) and, once we finally started talking constructively together, Druid suggested that we just live as friends/roommates for the time being and to try to work our issues out that way -- try to rebuild a friendship between us and work our problems out under that much more relaxed atmosphere since we just didn't seem to know how to work out our problems as a couple.

*sigh*  Sooooooooooo, yeah.  I think Druid's idea was a good one.  I think it will do us a lot of good to take this step back and to just chill, but there are things even then that make my heart ache.  But I'm not going to get into all that on here.  Not yet, anyway.

I've missed a couple Year and a Day classes because of being sick and there's not going to be any class tomorrow (thank gods) because Greyhart's got something else going on.  I say "thank gods" because that'll give me some more time to recoup before the next class so that I shouldn't be a coughing fit mess like I was at the last class I attended.

I have been LOVING the classes!  It's been a long time since I've written anything about them and I'm sorry for that, but they have been awesome!  Greyhart is a kickass teacher who doesn't shy away at pushing us to break through our comfort zones.  At the last class I attended, we were still playing around with energy and what not (casting circle and what not).   I had comfort zone issues with being put on the spot (no shocker there).  It wasn't so bad when I was just casting a regular circle.  In fact, I got compliments on the last one I cast, which thrilled the hell out of me!  My first one was quite weak because I wasn't drawing in from the energy around me and, instead, was just trying to use my personal power, which was meager at best because of being sick.  My second one was better, but my last one was a lot more like what it should be.

However, he also showed us how to make circles that would move with us and that is where I pretty much blithered out from being so self-conscious.  The circle I cast was good, but then I pretty much shut down after that.  Greyhart, though, was very patient and didn't let me off the spot until I got over myself enough to relax and follow his instructions.   I hope that I'll be in much better shape when the next class comes around.

All, in all, that's a little nutshell of all that's been going on.  Any prayers and positive energy that y'all would be willing to send for Druid and I in hopes that we'll be able to patch things up to a more healthy level would be much appreciated!

)O( Morgaine )O(

A New Beginning After Nearly a Decade of Waiting

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Tonight begins my Year and a Day.  In the month since the Paths & Traditions Fair, trying to correlate my schedule with that of Greyhart and my two classmates has been.....interesting as my schedule has had to be at the mercy of Druid's work schedule.  I'm excited and nervous and anxious and....a lot of things.   I know this isn't going to be easy, but should things work out that I accomplish this next year without anything fucking it up, it will be worth it.  At the end of it, I'll have achieved my 1st Degree as a Priestess -- something I've wanted for quite a while.

I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this.  Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far.  Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me.  I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.

Don't get me wrong:  I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this.  I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin.  I hope so, anyway.  I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class.  Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy.  And I'm ok with that.  Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess.  I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.

Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this.  We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher.  He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.  

Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out.  It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have.  It's no one else's fault but mine.  I didn't keep myself going the way I should have.   It's hard for me to explain as to why that was.  I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it).  I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong.  But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.

And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around.  It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen.  And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that.  I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging.   I'm a Gemini, people.  I'm a flibbertigibbet.  Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition.  And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!).  I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.

Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group.  I wanted more formal training, basically.  I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass.   I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.

Does any of that make sense?

For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path.  And I'm going to stick to it.  But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment.   I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.

*sigh*   Things will be alright though.   It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher.  But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth.  To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need.  Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways.  I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down.  I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person.  I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him.  I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.


Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class.  I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow.  Wish me luck!