I Choose

Tweet

I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning.  See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around.  Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far.  Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in.  Hasn't worked.

My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place.  Last night it was with dealing with their homework.  Oh. My. Goddess.  My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are.  *twitch*   Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.

*sigh*

Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing.   And this morning wasn't very good either.  It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around.  -_-  This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night.  Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.

Nope.

Sage didn't know where his coat was and Rain had her homework stuff all over the place and didn't have her shoes or socks where they were supposed to be, so she couldn't find them.  *twitch twitch*  Frustration, once again, got the better of me and it ended up being just a really shitty morning.  More yelling, more deep breathing to try to calm myself down that didn't work, etc.  Yay! -_-  Not.

I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame.  I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief.  While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner.

I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room.  I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart).  Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready.  Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag.

"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me.  I choose to not yell.  I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me.  I choose to be more patient."  I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip.  When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out.  I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.

As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more.  I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper.  But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity.  So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."

I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods.   I lit the Pine.  "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine."  I lit the two brown candles, saying both times  "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."

After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.


As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy.  There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise.  Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do.  A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges.  Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do.  So they kinda have to watch their step.  Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home.  Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).

We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop.  Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home.  And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.

I don't know.  It's different for everyone.

I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often.  Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break.  I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me.  I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.

Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room.  It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable.  Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids.  I feel completely out of control and powerless.  Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children.  HELL no.  I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.

I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled.  Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm.  Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.

Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent.  I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better.  I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong.  I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!"  -_-  Seriously?  It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.

But my children know that I love them.  The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.

Making mistakes does not make us bad parents.  Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.

And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day.  :-)

Proud Pagan Mom

Tweet

This first day of 2013 has brought me pride as a mother.  Aspen, Rain, and I have spent much of the morning and early afternoon talking about Paganism.  What started it was my watching this documentary about witches narrated by Leonard Nimoy called "Ancient Mysteries: Witches".

It's a wonderful documentary. It talks about witches in history both from fact as well as addressing how witches were so demonized; it talks about the witch hunts and, ultimately, ends with how witches are in the modern days.

Anyway, so I was watching this and Aspen and Rain had a lot of questions about the things that the show talked about, which also ended up going on to other topics like reincarnation and ghosts.  It was so nice getting to talk about these things with the kiddos. Even better, our talk seems to have renewed their vigor for learning.  Aspen especially was begging for "witch books" to read!  ^_^  Sadly, the only child-age "witch book" I have is a wonderful little storybook by Starhawk called "The Last Wild Witch".  I haven't been able to afford more children-age Pagan books yet, but that's definitely one of my goals as soon as I've got the money.

One book in particular that I am BADLY wanting to get is a book called "An Ordinary Girl, A Magical Child".  I have seen some amazing reviews about it on Amazon.com and I think it's at the top of my "to get" list in regards to Pagan children's books for my kiddos.  There are some other books I'm interested in getting for the kiddos, but "An Ordinary Girl, A Magical Child" is at the top of my list.

Aspen was even gung-ho to read some of my Pagan books. I had to explain to him that he wouldn't really be able to understand what they were saying; but his desire delighted me nonetheless, which I made sure to express to him.  

But all this childlike wonder and eagerness from him and Rain today reawakened my desire to teach my children the Craft.  It's still frustrating to not really know how, but whining about that isn't going to accomplish anything.  This presents me the opportunity of being able to learn right alongside them in hopes that, one day when they are grown, they'll be able to look back fondly and be able to refer to their childhood as being magickal.

Our Family Goes to a Full Moon Ritual

Tweet

It had been several months since we were able to attend a ritual as a family, and I mean a ritual not just meant for children.  In fact, the last adult ritual we got to go to was for the Blue Moon ritual that our local CUUPS chapter had.  It was a beautiful ritual and we had very much enjoyed ourselves, but one of my increasing frustrations with this CUUPS right now is the overall lack of family-oriented rituals in the face of all the ones where people would just rather not deal with kids.

Now, don't get me wrong:  I do sympathize and understand that there are times people would just rather not have to deal with other people's kids.  I really do.  But it was really starting to feel as though because there was the Pagan Kids Circle, that took care of the family-oriented stuff and they weren't really obligated to do much of anything where children would be welcome.  Which is fine in some ways.  I love the Pagan Kids Circles and I love how they are for the purpose of teaching Paganism on a child's level.  But come on!  Parents like Druid and I would still like to be able to attend rituals too and if you're in my shoes where the option of finding a babysitter just doesn't exist, then finding a family-oriented circle is the only option there is. And y'all would not believe how difficult it can be to find family-oriented circles or Meetups or anything like that.  Hell, I've even looked on Witchvox in hopes of finding a family-oriented coven to join.  No real such luck thus far.

However, we were recently introduced to a family-oriented open circle and they had a Full Moon ritual this past Thursday. Once I found out for sure that children were welcome, I signed us up for it.  They have a building in south Denver and when we got there that evening, I was pleasantly surprised and delighted for the people who welcomed us did so as though they'd known us for years. Aspen, Rain, and Sage were immediately drawn in and the people were so.  There was another little girl there and she and the kids hit it off right away. Before and after the ritual there were people giving Druid and I plenty of conversation, especially this one dude that Druid seemed to hit it off with.

I know I've already said it, but seriously, I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful all those people were.  There was not that feeling of mere politeness like what we got the last time we went to a CUUPS ritual.  As lovely as it was ( and I LOOOOOOOOOVED the outdoor patio where the Blue Moon ritual was done), that was an overbearing feeling I got -- that we weren't truly welcome but they wouldn't have been rude enough to say so outright.

I don't know.  I guess you can't click with everyone.

But these people?  Genuinely wonderful to us and that seriously makes me giddy to be able to say it  ^_^

So, the casting of circle was done to a chant by Starhawk (? I think?). It wasn't a chant I was familiar with, but I love chants ^_^  After the invocation of the elements and of God and Goddess, a meditation was done.  I really should have written about this sooner because I can't quite remember what the meditation was about.  After the meditation there was an exercise.  There was a little log on the floor.  A person was to step up onto the log and try to balance on it and rely on the aid of people holding them up to do so.  The point was about finding balance in our lives where balance is needed and not being afraid to lean upon those near us.

After this was Cakes & Ale and then the releasing of the circle.

A funny thing that happened at this point was that Sage, my youngest, had to go to the bathroom right before the circle was to be released.  Well, just as the circle leader began, starting with West of course, as soon as she'd called upon the element of Water to release it, Sage flushed the toilet in the nearby restroom.  The timing couldn't have been more hilarious and everybody had a REALLY hard time refraining from just cracking the hell up right there!

Overall, I know the details given are quite cut and dry and it doesn't very well convey the happiness I felt at getting to be at that ritual, nor do they convey just how much I'm looking forward to going to the next one.  But believe me when I say, that ritual was a breath of fresh air that I had been sorely needing.

And now, as I bring this particular entry to a close, allow me to wish all who read this a Happy New Year.  2013 arrived for us almost an hour ago.  I have so many hopes for this year, especially in regards to it being better than this last year was.  Don't mistake me, this year wasn't a TERRIBLE year, but there were definitely things that could have gone a lot better.  Part of it was needing to make better choices and I hope that I do better in that regard this year, especially where my being a student is concerned.  I hope to do better in progressing in Paganism.  I hope to be able to find a coven where I can study as an Initiate and begin truly progressing toward the Degrees.  I especially hope to learn better time management skills.

I hope that 2013 finds you all with good health and prosperity.

)O(  Blessed Be!  )O(