Peeping Out of My Rabbit Hole

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Wow.  Somehow I didn't even realize how long it's been since I last updated!  o.O  And my Goddess, the dust bunnies have taken over as though it's still Ostara!  LoL!

Sadly, even now, I find myself at a loss of what to write about.  I think it's pretty obvious I gave up on the PBP for this year.  Maybe next year I'll actually keep up with it, but I'm honestly not holding my breath at the moment.  >.<

Honestly, y'all, things have been really hard for me these past several months.  In the wake of Druid and I breaking up -- at first only to try to approach and fix our relationship from a "just friends" angle only for it to become a "broken up for good" thing back in early June -- I pretty much lost all inspiration to write.  I haven't even done writing exercises or anything this past summer.  I'm not gonna lie: I still hurt but I know that, really, there's just no way for him and I to work out, so I've been having to figure out how to get past this.  It's difficult given that he and I will still be living together until our current lease is concluded at the beginning of June.  I still love him, but I'm working on letting him go.  Most days we manage to get along just fine as friends, which is fine.  Most days I do fine and the hurt is just a mild ache.  But I still have days where the hurt is just as fresh as the day I realized that there is just no going back for us.

*sigh*  And I've pretty much neglected the Facebook page about as badly as I've neglected the blog.  I'm hoping to get back into gear with both the blog and the page soon.  It really is about time I just suck it up and come out of my rabbit hole.

My Year and a Day classes have been going well.  It amazes me, when I look back, to realize that my Year and a Day is about halfway over!  o.O  Where has the time gone?!?!  Currently we're discussing the Sabbats.  Last week we discussed Imbolc and tonight we will be discussing Ostara (which reminds me!  I need to do some research about Ostara before class tonight!  Meep!) such as what it's about and why it's celebrated.  I know some basic info, of course, but I need to do some research so I can give my teacher the more in depth answers he's looking for -- something I admittedly bombed on last week *guilty grin*

Before now, we'd been studying the Elementals and calling upon them -- I connect really well with Fire and my Dragon Friend shows up every time I call for Him.  ^_^  I still need to practice calling the other Elementals and working on making my connection with them stronger.

Last Full Moon we did our first full-on ritual and it went really well  :-)   I called Fire, J called Water, S called Earth, and Greyhart called Air.  We did the ritual to honor Hera and Zeus.  It was a seriously cool ritual!  I'd go into more detail, but that will have to wait.  Again, I got homework to do before class.  LoL!

Overall, that's pretty much the past couple of months in a nutshell.  I'm getting by and learning how to heal.  Part of me balks at the idea of ever being in a relationship again (and, really, who doesn't go through that feeling when they get out of a toxic relationship?).  Part of me feels like I'm just too damaged to ever be good enough for anybody, so why should I try?  But the other part of me knows that, while I'm not perfect, I'm not as crappy a girlfriend as I perceive myself.  I made mistakes.  I was a total bitch sometimes.  I had my times where I was selfish and not as considerate as I should have been.  I had times where depression spirals turned me into a person I could barely recognize much less like.  But, at the heart of it, I know I still tried even though my efforts went largely unappreciated and unnoticed by him.

Sorry.  I know that probably sounded self-pitying as all hell.  >.<  I don't mean to sound that way and I'm not even feeling self-pitying, honestly.  Just simply stating facts.  *shrug*    Oh well.   We'll see what the future brings.  In the meantime, any healing and positive energy that y'all could send my way would be most appreciated!

)O(  Morgaine )O(

Year and a Day Class: Working With the Fire Elementals

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This past Monday's class was AWESOME!

We've been working on calling and banishing the quarters.  We've worked with first Earth, then Air, and then we worked with Fire last night (and next week will be Water).  I'm still working on gaining confidence in what I'm doing (which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- we're only close to 4 months in to the Year and a Day), so my attempts at evoking first Earth and then Air were.....well, they weren't as good as I COULD have done.  However, Greyhart did something different last night.

In order to get us acquainted with the Fire Realm of the Fire Elementals, he had us do a meditation.  I was actually surprised at how mine went.

First, he lit a jar candle after making the room quite dark, and then had Jason and I close our eyes.  He purposefully kept descriptives vague as he guided us down the start of a path so that we would be allowed to see for our own selves what the Fire Realm looked like without any outside influence.

As I went down this path, I found myself in a bright, arid desert.  Normally, I don't like deserts.  Barring the occasional visits to Mesa, Arizona to visit my grandparents for Christmas or Spring Break when the desert temperatures weren't nearly so unpleasant, I loved seeing the saguaro in bloom and I loved the desert sunrises and sunsets.  But that was about it.

In this desert, heat waves radiated off the ground and while I was sweating like crazy and the heat was uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as other places I've been (such as the Mojave on the way toward San Diego or Los Angeles in September when I was 15 -- OMMFG!!!!  It was so hot there, the air seemed hardly breathable!).  There was a certain life to this heat.  I don't know how to word it.

Anyway, as I continued, I came over a hill and I saw a Dragon.  He had the boxy-shaped head similar to a Chinese dragon, but he wasn't as slender as one.  He looked at least the size of a hippopotamus but still had the classic Dragon serpentine grace.  He wasn't made of scales.  He was living fire and he was going around burning things.  He was setting trees on fire and other things and it seemed to be for no apparent reason.

Before I thought the better of it, I walked down the hill toward the Dragon.  At first I was afraid he would burn me too when he turned, saw me, and stopped what he was doing.  Though there were no actual "eyeballs" in that draconian head, his gaze still struck me as being extremely curious.  "Why are you doing this?" I asked.  "Why are you burning everything?"

"It's my job to," he said simply.

I felt hesitant to say that I didn't understand.  Long have I loved Dragons, but even I know better than to annoy one.  Still, he took the lost look on my face in stride."I bring about endings and, in those endings, I bring about beginnings.  What I do here is what is done in your world.  What I burn here burns over there and as I do so, things begin again from the fertile soil of destruction.  I clear out the cluttered undergrowth that prohibits growth and I make way for healthy beginnings."

I pondered this for a moment.  It made sense.  It's not the first time I've heard of fires being set for the sole purpose of preserving the health of a forest.  In fact, the first time I heard about this was when my parents and I visited Sequoia National Forest.  The guide explained that every so often, a particular section of the forest is set afire to burn away undergrowth and cause fallen pinecones to release their seeds so that new trees will grow."If you so wish, I can do the same for you."  That statement startled me.  He told me that, basically, he could help me to burn away the old so that the new could start, which would help me to discover who I really am.  He gave me a bump on the shoulder with his snout before sauntering off to continue his work.

The next thing I knew, Greyhart's voice was calling us back, coaxing us to come back down the path out of the Fire Realm.  When we got back, he asked us to tell him of what we saw.  When Jason and I finished regaling him with our adventures, Greyhart asked us how long we thought we'd been there.

In my head I knew it had to be a mere amount of minutes, but as I thought of all I'd seen and the conversation with the Dragon that I'd had, it FELT like I'd been there at least an hour.

"I watched the clock while you guys were gone and you were gone for exactly 3 minutes."   He went on to explain that time in the other realms ran differently than they do here.  This is something I already knew, but still.  It was good to talk about.  He also asked us how we moved around in the Fire Realm.  "I started out walking when you were guiding us down the path, but when I got there, all I really had to do was think 'I'd like to be over there' and there I was.  Hell, it didn't even really take a thought."   'Cause when I thought about it, I didn't remember doing much walking.  I'd start to walk in a particular direction, but then I'd just be there in the blink of an eye and it didn't even dawn on me how "abnormal" that is.

"The laws of locomotion also don't apply the same as they do here.  It's different wherever you go," he explained.  He also expressed how pleased he was by the fact that we'd not only found the Fire Realm but that some of the creatures there had actually talked to us.

Finally, we got to the part of the evening where we practiced summoning Fire Elementals.  Naturally, because of my shy preference to let other people go before me so as to get an idea of how I want to do something, Greyhart had me go first.  Oh goody!  Maybe someday I'll get over that awkwardness of being thrown in the pool to swim first.  LoL!

Anyway, so my first attempt kinda fizzled.  The being that came through was kinda puny and its energy sputtered a bit.  It kinda felt like I'd started to bring over something of decent size but then just ended up with a fistful of fur.  Does that make any sense?   Even Greyhart, from where he sat on the couch, gave me a rather bemused look like "Really? Surely you can do better."

He stood from the couch, had me face back toward the south, put his hands on my shoulder blades to help me ground for a moment, and then told me to envision that that portal path to the Fire Realm again.  I can't remember all of what he said, but at one particular thing he said, I saw the path burst into flames on either side as it shot the rest of the way into the Fire Realm.  As soon as I felt that, I knew exactly who I wanted to find and it didn't take me but a moment.  Standing not too far away from the portal entrance was my Dragon friend.  I felt a swell of joy that he was there.  In the moments before I said the words to call him to my circle, the Dragon had already said he would come.

"Hail to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the South. I call you forth to be a guard unto my circle. Be here now."   As I said that last while drawing a Pentagram in the air, I felt a ripple of energy shoot from my chest and I knew he was there.  I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes again to look back at Greyhart.

His eyes were wide.  "Damn!"  Jason's eyes were quite wide as well.  Greyhart asked him to tell us what he felt.

"What she called through made itself small enough to fit into the room, but I can tell it's A LOT bigger than that.  I can feel the heat emanating from the south.  I seriously feel like I'm standing next to a furnace.  When it came through, I felt like I was within feet of one of those pyrotechnic torches that they use for special effects."

That thrilled me enough, but Greyhart's words sent me straight into elation.  He basically gave me major props.  He said that that was my best conjuration ever, it was FAR BETTER than the ones I did for Air and Earth previously.  He even said that the Dragon was the biggest Elemental that had ever been called in his house.

Seriously, while he was telling me all this, I just wanted to do a friggin' happy dance.  ^_^  The crowning point was when he told me that this is why he'd taken me on as a student -- because he'd seen my potential for doing magick like this.  "You keep doing what you just did and, someday when you're leading ritual, people are gonna notice and feel what you're doing and they're gonna want to know how you did that."I thought my face was gonna crack.  ^_^

At last, when I sent the Dragon back home, I silently thanked him for coming before saying the words to send him home.  After he left, the temperature in the room, though it had been hot from the get-go and had gotten even hotter when the Dragon arrived, went back down by a noticeable degree and I felt like I was walking on air.

Whoops! It's Been a While!

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So sorry it's been so long since I last wrote!

Just a few days after Holly came into our family I re-started my job at McDonald's and it's been craziness ever since.  First of all, Holly is doing awesome!  She has really come out of her shell over the past few weeks and she's gotten more confident to come out of my bedroom and be around all of us without freaking out.  She's getting along really well with the kids to where she lets them pet her and play with her.  ^_^  And, as I sit here typing this, she is snoozing quite contentedly next to me on the couch (oop! Now she's snuggled on my chest).  <3<3<3<3<3  Every day she's exhibited more and more of the personality traits from her last life while still maintaining her different individuality in this life and I could seriously burst with how happy I am to have her with me again!

For instance, like Tippy, she'll come trotting right to me when I call her name and she'll be meowing all the way.  That was one of my most favorite things about Tippy's personality when she was in that life.  I love my little kitty friend so much!

Let's see....what else?  I turned 30 a couple weeks ago (oh joy!).   I'm not as bothered by it as I thought I would be, but just wait til I start getting significantly closer to 40.  We'll see how much bitching I do about that milestone!  LoL!

Regarding my job, I can't say I'm overly thrilled about it, but I'm still thankful for it.  I'm thankful for the extra money and I still manage to enjoy it most of the time.  There's just the occasional rough patch where I'm having to deal with bitchy co-workers, which I find to be worse than rude customers.  Hell, just the other day I was working the morning shift and this one chick  was just......well, lemme put it this way: I was THIS CLOSE to asking her if she needed to change her tampon.  I'm still getting used to being back at McDonald's and trying to find my multi-tasking groove (which I've not had much of in the first place) and I was helping with Drive-Thru.  Well, apparently my multi-tasking skills aren't as good as hers which, she felt, meant that it was ok for her to treat me like an inferior plebian piece of trash.

Finally, when she decided to snappishly demand my headset and shove me off to other duties, I had it.  "There's no need to be rude!" I barked.  She and another co-worker tried to justify it because of my, apparent, ineptness to do the job to their satisfaction.  "Huh uh!" I snapped.  "I don't care! I'm trying my best and this is only my second week back on the job, so can it!"   I decided a long time ago that I won't be treated like anybody's bitch.  

That's not to say that I don't understand the frustration they were feeling, but even T knew that I was new back on the job.  I wanted to smack her the worst because SHE KNEW.

Meh.  So, it took me a little while to get past that bad mood.  Admittedly, one of the things that cheered me up a bit was watching A get her Karma.  That morning was heavy with rain and, while I was sequestered off in an out-of-the-way corner of the Drive-Thru to just take orders for one of the Drive-Thru lanes (fine by me), I watched A suddenly have to deal with a leak in the ceiling right above where she was taking orders for the other lane and dealing with some of the drink orders.  I admit, every time she wailed about getting dripped on and futilely searched for a way to shield herself from the drips, I giggled a bit.  Still, I reminded myself not to be TOO gleeful lest Karma hike a brow in my direction.  I took a few (smirking) deep breaths, turned back to my business, and ignored everything else to do with it.

But, barring all that, my job has been alright.  :-)  Barring the fact that my feet hurt so bad by the end of the day that I'm ready to bawl my head off, that is.

My Year and a Day classes were, basically, on vacation for the past two weeks and will be resuming this upcoming Monday.  ^_^  I'm very excited for that.

Overall, that's pretty much all that's been going on over the past few weeks.

Oh!  And I'm in the middle of creating a website on Weebly!  :-)   I haven't published it yet, but I've been trying to get things set up beyond the mere bare bones.  ^_^   I think I'll be able to do more of the in-depth things on there that I've been wanting to do here such as have pages from my Book of Shadows as well as bits of my writings.  ^_^   I'm working on it.  I hope to have it up soon.

Sometimes you have to take steps back before you can go forward

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Alllllllllllllllrighty.   It's been close to a month since I last made a post.  >.<   I'm at the point where I have no idea where to start to try to tell about everything that's gone on.  Hell, I've got a draft post that I still need to finish to tell what's been going on with my Year and a Day class.  Yet, that one's been stuck in my Drafts folder for how long?  Psh!  Almost a month!

Things have been crazier than usual.  One of the biggest things I've been dealing with is being sick.  I caught the crud from my kiddoes and it has been kicking my butt all over the place.  I finally went to be seen at the ER last night because I wanted to be sure it wasn't turning into something serious (my biggest worry was pneumonia).  Thankfully, I just have a respiratory infection which the Z-pack I was prescribed should have it taken care of in no time.  ^_^

The other big thing (aside from trying to get caught up on schoolwork) is that Druid and I have, basically, broken up for the time being.  We have had a lot of residual things, resentments, building up against each other.  We had a huge blow-out about a week & 1/2 ago (give or take) and, once we finally started talking constructively together, Druid suggested that we just live as friends/roommates for the time being and to try to work our issues out that way -- try to rebuild a friendship between us and work our problems out under that much more relaxed atmosphere since we just didn't seem to know how to work out our problems as a couple.

*sigh*  Sooooooooooo, yeah.  I think Druid's idea was a good one.  I think it will do us a lot of good to take this step back and to just chill, but there are things even then that make my heart ache.  But I'm not going to get into all that on here.  Not yet, anyway.

I've missed a couple Year and a Day classes because of being sick and there's not going to be any class tomorrow (thank gods) because Greyhart's got something else going on.  I say "thank gods" because that'll give me some more time to recoup before the next class so that I shouldn't be a coughing fit mess like I was at the last class I attended.

I have been LOVING the classes!  It's been a long time since I've written anything about them and I'm sorry for that, but they have been awesome!  Greyhart is a kickass teacher who doesn't shy away at pushing us to break through our comfort zones.  At the last class I attended, we were still playing around with energy and what not (casting circle and what not).   I had comfort zone issues with being put on the spot (no shocker there).  It wasn't so bad when I was just casting a regular circle.  In fact, I got compliments on the last one I cast, which thrilled the hell out of me!  My first one was quite weak because I wasn't drawing in from the energy around me and, instead, was just trying to use my personal power, which was meager at best because of being sick.  My second one was better, but my last one was a lot more like what it should be.

However, he also showed us how to make circles that would move with us and that is where I pretty much blithered out from being so self-conscious.  The circle I cast was good, but then I pretty much shut down after that.  Greyhart, though, was very patient and didn't let me off the spot until I got over myself enough to relax and follow his instructions.   I hope that I'll be in much better shape when the next class comes around.

All, in all, that's a little nutshell of all that's been going on.  Any prayers and positive energy that y'all would be willing to send for Druid and I in hopes that we'll be able to patch things up to a more healthy level would be much appreciated!

)O( Morgaine )O(

Year and a Day: Week 3

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Ok, I'm hoping that this is not going to become the habit (writing about the previous class the day before the next one).  Last week was pretty easy-going.  Greyhart discussed with us Craft Names as well as Books of Shadows.  There's not much new that I can say about Craft Names seeing as how I'd already discussed that for the Pagan Blog Project, but I have yet to get into the topic of keeping a Book of Shadows, so there you go.   One thing I did learn was how Greyhart came by his Craft Name but....I don't think I'm comfortable talking about that on here.  For one thing, it's not my story to tell (obviously) and for another, I don't want to blurt something like that only to learn from him later that I should have asked his permission first.

Anywho, moving on to the BOS topic:

It's quite a familiar topic, but keeping a BOS is something I've never been good at.  If I use a regular bound journal, I have to write everything chronologically and hope that I can remember where it was that I wrote what.  If I kept a physical binder, I think I would like that option the most out of the touchable options.  I like the idea of being able to organize things to my liking with tabs to tell me what section I can find which topic.  However, I don't have anything right now that I can use for a binder BOS.

Another option, of course, is the keeping of a BOS on the computer.  There are many different options for that.  One could use a blogging site such as this one or even LiveJournal.  Even though things are still written chronologically, one has the use of Tags to keep track of different entries, which is definitely something I like.  If one doesn't want to use a website that, of course, relies on an internet connection (what if you lose internet at home or something?), one could make use of a desktop diary software such as Chrysanth.  However, my current favorite option for keeping a BOS on the computer is using Microsoft OneNote.   If you happen to have the Microsoft Office suite and you have OneNote, I HIGHLY recommend using that.

This was something that J and I suggested to Greyhart, who perked up with interest as we described its vast options for use.


I started a BOS on OneNote several months ago, but I haven't filled it out very much.    Here's a glimpse of part of my OneNote BOS:

I've got tabs for Correspondences (such as the Sunday Correspondences partially pictured above), Sabbats, Esbats, Chants and Songs, Rituals, Spells, Magickal Journal, and Herbs.

On the Correspondences tab, you can see that I've got Pages for each day of the week.  Thus far, I've only gotten Sunday done, but I'm about to start working on the rest of them.  The info I've been getting for the Correspondences section comes from Ellen Dugan's book,  "Book of Witchery".

So, that's about all for now.  I think I may start a BOS LJ to store info that I gather on my Microsoft OneNote BOS.  And, of course, this blog is also part of my BOS.   For now, I think I'm going to flesh out my OneNote BOS.

Year and a Day: The First Two Weeks

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Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  I know. I totally forgot to post how my first class went last week and now I've got two classes to write about. It's only two classes in, but I am REALLY enjoying it thus far! 
Last Monday it ended up being just my teacher, myself, and one of the two other students, a guy I'll just refer to as J.  The gal who wasn't there (S) ended up missing because she was sick.  For the first class, Greyhart discussed the overall history of Witchcraft.  There was a lot I'd already read out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" but there was just as much that I didn't know such as the actual purposes of the Pyramids at Giza.  Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  I know. I totally forgot to post how my first class went last week and now I've got two classes to write about. It's only two classes in, but I am REALLY enjoying it thus far!
Last Monday it ended up being just my teacher, myself, and one of the two other students, a guy I'll just refer to as J.  The gal who wasn't there (S) ended up missing because she was sick.  For the first class, Greyhart discussed the overall history of Witchcraft.  There was a lot I'd already read out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" but there was just as much that I didn't know such as the actual purposes of the Pyramids at Giza.  Of course, the Witch Trials and Inquisitions were discussed (big, resounding "duh" there LoL).  I learned a bit more about the Malleus Mallificarum ("The Witches Hammer"), a book written by Heinrich Kramer.  Jakob Sprenger's name was put on there as a means of giving the book a bit more credibility.  However, I learned that it was not nearly as unanimously accepted as I thought.  There were some places where the Malleus Mallificarum was used in the Inquisitions where the local churches flat-out rejected the book, basically, as complete and total bullshit.  I guess it's relieving to know that, as it is today, not all the Catholic Churches stood in agreement with the harshness and cruelty of the witch hunts.

Some of the random discussions centered around Greyhart's personal travels to places like England and Italy.  In the first class, Greyhart mentioned (interjected during a discussion of the Greek gods and the Titans) a tour he'd gotten to take in Italy where, in one place, you can almost see the silloughette of a Titan in the hills, similar to how one can see the form of the Goddess in the area surrounding the Glastonbury Tor.

There was so much that we talked about that class (which is scheduled from 7pm - 9pm) ended up going about 20 minutes over.  After that, the three of us ended up gabbing for nearly another 3 hours.  It was a quarter to midnight when I left.  I didn't really talk much, but I very much enjoyed listening to Greyhart and J converse. Topics ranged from a yearly festival called Dragonfest, Greyhart's travels, J's life being in a military family, and there was much talk about guns that piqued my curiosity.  I've never shot a gun, but it's something I'd eventually like to learn. Between conversations from both Mondays, I've learned that I'm apparently the only one who's never even fired a gun.

I ended up staying even later the next class.  Thus far, I can't seem to help myself.  The conversations and fellowship that occurs after the class is over is so enjoyable and I've missed getting to have such interactions.  Still, I need to learn to excuse myself earlier than midnight since it is a school night.

Anyway, last Monday, S was able to make it.  It was good to meet her; she seems quite nice :-)   J & I filled her in on the topics discussed in the previous class.  J did more of the filling in than I did anyway.  I suck at recalling information when put on the spot.  -_-  *facepalm*   Something I definitely need to get better at doing.  After catching her up, the topic for the class was discussing morality vs. ethics, the Threefold Law, and taking personal responsibility.  It was definitely a very interesting conversation.  I'm not quite sure what to write about that one.  It provided a lot of food for thought, much of it consisted of things that I've already believed for several years, and a few things pretty much boiled down to a difference of opinion.  Really, it doesn't matter.  Bottom line, I'm very much enjoying the classes thus far and I'm looking forward to the one tomorrow.  :-)   However, one thing that Greyhart asked us to do for homework was to start writing down our personal codes of ethics and WHY we hold to these things.  I still need to start that.  It's kinda an intimidating project in a way.  There's never really been words for the code I live by.  Basically it can be boiled down to "Would I want someone to do this to me?"  If "no", then I try to not to do those things to others.  I try to be a good mother, girlfriend, and friend.  I try to treat other people with respect but I'm not afraid to break bitch on someone to protect those I love.  Hell, one of my best friends has referred to me as her "guard wolf" for a few years now for that very reason. When she meets new people or when she'd meet a new love interest (even when she got back with the man who is now her husband), she'd tell them,  "Fair warning: If you do anything to hurt me, my best friend, Morgaine, will pretty much eat your soul."   And that's how I am with all those dear to me.

However, I've also had to learn the value of discernment.  I've had to learn to back off unless my help is wanted/needed.  I've learned to not do anything unless those I want to protect say that it's ok for me to because, unfortunately, I've caused them needless drama in the past by defending them without their asking me to or allowing me to.

I try to always show appreciation for kindnesses done for me and to not take such things for granted.  I try to show people that I don't think myself entitled to anything.  I don't think anyone owes me anything.  No one owes me any favors or anything.  I also try to give back in whatever ways I can.  It's these things that, quite frankly, make me infuriated when people try to use me or abuse any help I offer.  But then I also realize that I'm not responsible for the way these people act.  I can only try to make sure I don't behave that way.

A New Beginning After Nearly a Decade of Waiting

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Tonight begins my Year and a Day.  In the month since the Paths & Traditions Fair, trying to correlate my schedule with that of Greyhart and my two classmates has been.....interesting as my schedule has had to be at the mercy of Druid's work schedule.  I'm excited and nervous and anxious and....a lot of things.   I know this isn't going to be easy, but should things work out that I accomplish this next year without anything fucking it up, it will be worth it.  At the end of it, I'll have achieved my 1st Degree as a Priestess -- something I've wanted for quite a while.

I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this.  Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far.  Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me.  I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.

Don't get me wrong:  I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this.  I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin.  I hope so, anyway.  I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class.  Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy.  And I'm ok with that.  Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess.  I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.

Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this.  We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher.  He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.  

Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out.  It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have.  It's no one else's fault but mine.  I didn't keep myself going the way I should have.   It's hard for me to explain as to why that was.  I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it).  I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong.  But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.

And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around.  It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen.  And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that.  I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging.   I'm a Gemini, people.  I'm a flibbertigibbet.  Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition.  And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!).  I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.

Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group.  I wanted more formal training, basically.  I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass.   I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.

Does any of that make sense?

For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path.  And I'm going to stick to it.  But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment.   I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.

*sigh*   Things will be alright though.   It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher.  But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth.  To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need.  Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways.  I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down.  I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person.  I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him.  I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.


Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class.  I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Being Thankful Isn't Only For Thanksgiving

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One thing I have noticed for quite a while, especially over the past year, is how God and Goddess have been bringing us through difficult times.  And I'm not talking difficult times like  "Well, crap, I can't afford to do this and this frivolous thing."   I mean difficult as in  "How the hell are we going to afford this bill and the rent?"

As much as things have, overall, felt better since I got to come back home to Colorado, it has still been a far cry from easy.  It'd be too long of a story to go into everything, but we've had a lot of moments where I've been flat-out ready to panic wondering how the hell we were going to get past the latest scrape.  We managed to recently get past another one as we've been trying to get past this last financial hump before Druid starts pulling in regular paychecks again and our FAFSA arrives.  We had no idea how we were going to pay our rent because of how the job situation has gone for the both of us recently.  Hell, my mother and step-father had ended up helping us with our December rent.  But when things did not go as anticipated to be able to cover January's, my Panic Button got set off once again.

Sometimes it's easier to keep faith than it is at other times.  And I'm not going to lie:  A good portion of our situation was brought on by choices that didn't turn out to be so savvy after all.  Admitting to ourselves as such, I believe, was definitely part of beginning to get our act back together once again.  When it became clear that our finances were not going to be able to hold as had been thought, I struggled to find a job.  That job didn't go as well as hoped and I ended up having to try to find another one.  That becomes unavoidable when that job decides that they're going to cut your hours down from 40 to, first 28, then 24, and then down to 16.  That just wasn't going to work.  Druid struggled to find work too and thought that taking on a paper route would be a good remedy to the situation.

It didn't work out that way, especially because the company that he worked for had blithering incompetencies that had me wondering how the hell they'd managed to stay in business for so long.

The long and short of it, however, is despite how much of a clusterfuck things have been, Druid has found a much more stable job working once again in security.  He, being the better with money out of the two of us, has constructed a much more viable budget for our upcoming semester that I am confident that we can stick to and even be able to put money back into savings.  Now all that's left is getting through this last bit of difficulty before we get the financial boost we've been waiting for.

As I said before, rent was the most frightening of the difficulties.  However, we were able to get some one-time help from our local Human Services office (thank you, Goddess) and that gave us the leg-up we needed to be able to get by on that bill until February, which is when things will pick up.  Now the only other bill we have to worry about is our electric bill.  I have no idea how we're going to manage that one at this time, but all throughout this hardship, I have seen the signs that Goddess and God have not forgotten about us.  I dare say they are hoping that we have learned our lessons from our mistakes.  I think we have.  And because we have been working so hard to remedy them, I believe it has made them even more willing to help us get through.

One thing I have striven to learn throughout all this is recognizing these blessings and signs and remembering to be thankful for them every day.  Life may not be easy right now, but there is always something to be thankful for.  There is always a sign that the Goddess and God are close by and that they haven't forsaken us.

For instance, yesterday I was feeling particularly discouraged about this last pain in the ass situation.  I went to go check the mail and found that there was nothing there but a parcel slip that said I needed to go pick up the package at the apartment office.  That immediately lifted my spirits up as I had a good feeling that I knew what it was.
On a previous entry, I'd mentioned some Pagan children's books that I'd been wanting to get as soon as I could afford to.  Well, I'd gotten a comment from one of my readers who said that she had one of the books that I'd been wanting as well as a few others.  That was a couple weeks ago and then I received the books yesterday!  That was such a help as it immediately cheered me up to be able to look at these books!  It also felt like a sign to me that we're not forgotten and that, even when things feel shitty, there's always something to find joy in and to be thankful for.  Thank you so much for the books, Anne!  I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate your giving them to me!  Receiving the books yesterday absolutely made my day!

Something else I'm thankful for and excited about:  After so many years of trying to find a group that I can learn with and obtain my degrees through, I believe I may have finally found that group.  There was an event this past weekend called The Paths and Traditions Fair put on by a few local groups, particularly one called Cro Dreoilin.  Its purpose was to bring potential students and potential teachers and groups together.  It's not easy to find a group or coven to learn under or join.  Even trying to use Witchvox doesn't always prove successful.  So to have this opportunity was very exciting!

It was at the fair that I met Greyheart.  He was there not overly hoping to find people he'd be willing to teach, but he'd felt that he should at least be there so there was the opportunity.  As it was, aside from myself, he'd found a good 2 or 3 other potential students for his teaching group.  I began talking to him after I'd talked to Chris and Kelly, who are the founders of the Cro Dreoilin Celtic Reconstructionist group.  They were wonderfully nice, but I did not feel called to pursue their group further.

When I began talking with Greyheart and (awkwardly as hell) mentioned that I was there to try to find a group that I could learn with and obtain my degrees so that I could attain my goal of becoming a Priestess, he led me to his table, which had some altar items on it.  "Look at the items on this table and tell me which of these tools is the most powerful."

As much as I stammered at first to construct my answer (you would not friggin' BELIEVE how shy and awkward I'd felt at the fair at first!  LoL  I was ready to put my head through a wall!), I finally answered  "These tools are just an extension and even a focus point.  The true power lies within the Witch his or herself."

That made Greyheart crack a smile.  "I always ask potential students that one.  If they can't answer that one, then I know that they're not really ready for what I would teach them."   I'll admit, I felt like the kid who just got handed a gold star for that one.  LoL!  We talked for a long time and, during which, there were several other people who came up to talk to him and it was quite clear that he is a very well-known, well-respected, and well-liked in the Pagan community.  I already liked him.  I liked how straight-forward and no-nonsense he was.  He didn't beat around the bush as he explained to me how he tends to work things and what he expects from his students and what he expects from himself as a teacher.  One of the things I liked is that he doesn't just teach his students the "White magick" but also teaches them the darker things.  And his explanation was a mirror of what I already believe, which I actually wrote about in my Pagan Blog Project post yesterday.   He believes in his students learning to have a balance, to know their lighter as well as darker selves.

Overall, he warned me that this would not be easy and that there would be times where I will definitely have to reach outside of my comfort zone.  I have no doubts of this and while I find myself with some trepidation as to what these things will be, I can already tell just by watching these other people interact with him (some of them being former students of his) that it will be for my own good that I might reach my fullest potential.

I think the only thing that really made me cringe inwardly was the mention of skyclad work.  He brought that up on his own because his personal tradition stems from Gardnerian, but he assured me that his views on working skyclad is that only if it is absolutely necessary.

"I've not had it be necessary yet, but if it ever were to be, you all would be getting a heads up about it quite a while in advance and, just so you know, I've never had it be necessary yet."

Gods, I hope not.  I can handle most anything, but the thought of having to work in a group skyclad pretty much makes me want to break out in a cold sweat.  It has nothing to do with my personal body image (even though it's not a very good self image, I'll admit).  I'm just a very modest person; modest enough that the thought of having to be naked around other people makes me VERY uncomfortable.  I appreciate the fact that Paganism recognizes and celebrates the beauty of the human body, but still.  I don't even work skyclad at home, even before I ever had kids.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanywho.   I'm just going to hope that that never becomes an issue.

But, overall, I'm really excited for things to start!  They won't be starting until next month, but I'm going to be counting the days!  This will be my Year and a Day and, at the end of it, I have the option of being initiated as a Priestess in the First Degree.  One thing that I liked is that every student has a different initiation ritual custom-made for them.  I'm already told that it's not going to be an easy ritual.  But I welcome it.  So long as it does not involve anything shady, I'm good.  I can deal with difficult.  But I don't think I'll have to worry about anything unsavory.


Even as difficult as things have been, I have a strong feeling that they're going to get better and, so long as we continue to try to make good choices, they'll stay going well.   In the meantime, I remember to be thankful every day for the good things we already have.