I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This Year

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I'm sorry for my long absence this year.  I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging.  Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish.  I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.

My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself.  But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous.  Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.

I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like.  April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system.  I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok.  I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.

When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else?   However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am.  The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him.  Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself.  There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return.  It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.

At least I can take responsibility for myself.  It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore.  And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him.  No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance.  And the funny thing?  She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc.  He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me.  Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it.  To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy.  It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.

I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs.  When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine.  When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc.  And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again.  But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are?  It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.

When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life.  And I flat-out told him I was done.  It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore.  Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died.  What can I say?  Double standards have that effect on me.  Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.

So, that's that.

I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life.  My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to.  I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids.  I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man).  If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes.  If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes.  It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve.  We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.

So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point.  My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here.  My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through.  She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless.  My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok.  The Goddess has brought us through.  Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better.  I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that.  :-)  These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything.  Is life perfect right now?  No, not even close.  But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her.  Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!

The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me.  The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)

Pagan Blog Project Wk 2: A is for Adapting

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I'm a Gemini/Taurus cusp.  The Gemini side says that I'm supposed to be flexible to changes in life whereas my Taurus side digs its heels in.  Probably because most of the time when things have changed, they've been changes that I haven't wanted.  I stubbornly clung onto two toxic relationships, particularly the second one, because I didn't want to give up, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  If I could show that kind of fortitude but in a GOOD relationship, my stubbornness would be most fruitful.

However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt.  And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality.  I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings.  For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado.  My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play.  The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days.  I'm a Colorado girl to the bone.  My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season.  I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.

But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert.  There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass.  There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.

Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell.  I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.

My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.

I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever.  But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings.  I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here.  Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front.  I love that tree.  There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to.  It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel.  Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.


When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us.  Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow.  Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually.  A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are.  Change isn't always fun.  It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too.  It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.

I Choose

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I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning.  See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around.  Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far.  Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in.  Hasn't worked.

My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place.  Last night it was with dealing with their homework.  Oh. My. Goddess.  My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are.  *twitch*   Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.

*sigh*

Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing.   And this morning wasn't very good either.  It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around.  -_-  This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night.  Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.

Nope.

Sage didn't know where his coat was and Rain had her homework stuff all over the place and didn't have her shoes or socks where they were supposed to be, so she couldn't find them.  *twitch twitch*  Frustration, once again, got the better of me and it ended up being just a really shitty morning.  More yelling, more deep breathing to try to calm myself down that didn't work, etc.  Yay! -_-  Not.

I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame.  I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief.  While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner.

I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room.  I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart).  Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready.  Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag.

"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me.  I choose to not yell.  I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me.  I choose to be more patient."  I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip.  When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out.  I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.

As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more.  I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper.  But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity.  So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."

I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods.   I lit the Pine.  "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine."  I lit the two brown candles, saying both times  "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."

After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.


As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy.  There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise.  Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do.  A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges.  Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do.  So they kinda have to watch their step.  Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home.  Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).

We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop.  Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home.  And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.

I don't know.  It's different for everyone.

I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often.  Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break.  I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me.  I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.

Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room.  It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable.  Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids.  I feel completely out of control and powerless.  Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children.  HELL no.  I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.

I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled.  Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm.  Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.

Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent.  I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better.  I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong.  I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!"  -_-  Seriously?  It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.

But my children know that I love them.  The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.

Making mistakes does not make us bad parents.  Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.

And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day.  :-)

A New Year Approaches

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For sure this has, in many ways, been a lack-luster year for me personally.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for what I have accomplished.  I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to continue my Year and a Day class, but at least that falling through wasn't due to my lack of follow-through.  However, the things that I am disappointed about are due to that.

Excerpt from my personal journal to explain:   "I've been feeling a huge pull to do the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge (we'll see how that goes) and to actually finish the 44 Days of Witchery challenge on my much-neglected blog. Sadly, I have yet to actually have the discipline and follow-through to finish any of the challenges I've started out doing. >.< Seriously frikkin' sad, I know. That's something else I want to improve upon: actually finishing the things I start instead of always fading out a few days in.
A new year is rapidly approaching which means that a new Pagan Blog Project challenge will be starting. Should be easy, right? One blog post a week? This year will be my 3rd attempt. I'd really like for it to be the charm.

I think the only thing I've ever really successfully finished was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo back in '09. I had actually started late -- 7 days late to be precise -- but I plugged away at it and actually won! That was my only win out of my NaNo attempts and I didn't even try this year or last year. This November I really don't have any reason to not go for it. This year I was still homeless and last year I was in school.

But I hate the fact that I'm so wishy-washy. I do want to become more disciplined at finishing things I start. I think that is my biggest resolution for the coming year. If I do the 365 Days of Tarot, I want to finish it. If I re-start the 44 Days of Witchery, I want to finish it. If I start the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge, I want to finish it. And, really, I know that there's no real reason that I can't accomplish these things. I know it. It's just me having gotten in my own way in times past. And I know it doesn't have to be that way."

I know, overall, it's not hard to do these things on a daily basis.  It's just a matter of actually kicking myself in the ass to do so.  Perhaps if I can get myself into a more school-minded way of thinking I'll be more motivated.  Give myself deadlines and treat these goals like they're school assignments -- they have to be done, non-optional.

I'll see what I can do for entries for the 44 Days of Witchery (I'm just going to continue where I left off -- no point in basically having repeat entries if I can help it) and for the 30 Days of Otherkin.  I dunno if I'll make those entries here, though.  We'll see.

My big thing at the moment, though, is trying to find a way to do the Tarot every day.  One of my friends on Instagram has done the aforementioned 365 Tarot challenge and that's all well and good.  I'd like to do that too, but I'd like to find a way to approach it that will best have me getting acquainted with my Tarot deck.  I'd like to find a set of daily exercises I can do.  If anyone reading this has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.  :-)   In the meantime, I will try to get in a good habit of drawing a card every morning and logging the meaning from the book.  It's a start, right?

Trying to Crawl Out of the Pit

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I don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page.  I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on.  There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.

Basically, life has crumbled around me.  Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness.  It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start.  I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to.  Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know.  Mean and not very mature.  Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida.  My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job.  Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family.  The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet.  Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay.  Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)

But change is on the horizon.  I'm not going to go into details about that just yet.  Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere.  Cryptic, I know!  ^_^  But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!

In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes.  Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me.  Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad  :-(   But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me!  I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done.  He's an extraordinary teacher!


I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"

I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now:  This woman is already my hero!  Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy!  We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from!  I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process.  I entirely admire her fortitude!

It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation.  And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort.  I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own.  I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it.  A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it.   I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.

And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday.  So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires.  And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole.  Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence.  And I don't really have any excuse.  I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up.  It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.

This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on.  I am lazy.  I get bogged down far too easily.  Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily.  And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began.  Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed.   I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care.  And the same happened with my spirituality.  I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher.   However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken.   And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back.   Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.

I do want that to stop.  I really do.  And I know it's up to me.  It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey.  It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again.  It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire.  And I do desire these goals, I really do!

I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published!  I do desire so much to be a Priestess!  I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it!  Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!

These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier.  In fact, it's going to make it more difficult.  I won't have a teacher anymore.  I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own.  Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.

Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to.  I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there.  I do.  I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do.  It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!

However, talk is cheap.  Especially coming from me on these things.  I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to.  But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it.  And I do want to be a do-er.

*deep breath*

Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?!  :-)

Year and a Day Class: Working With the Fire Elementals

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This past Monday's class was AWESOME!

We've been working on calling and banishing the quarters.  We've worked with first Earth, then Air, and then we worked with Fire last night (and next week will be Water).  I'm still working on gaining confidence in what I'm doing (which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- we're only close to 4 months in to the Year and a Day), so my attempts at evoking first Earth and then Air were.....well, they weren't as good as I COULD have done.  However, Greyhart did something different last night.

In order to get us acquainted with the Fire Realm of the Fire Elementals, he had us do a meditation.  I was actually surprised at how mine went.

First, he lit a jar candle after making the room quite dark, and then had Jason and I close our eyes.  He purposefully kept descriptives vague as he guided us down the start of a path so that we would be allowed to see for our own selves what the Fire Realm looked like without any outside influence.

As I went down this path, I found myself in a bright, arid desert.  Normally, I don't like deserts.  Barring the occasional visits to Mesa, Arizona to visit my grandparents for Christmas or Spring Break when the desert temperatures weren't nearly so unpleasant, I loved seeing the saguaro in bloom and I loved the desert sunrises and sunsets.  But that was about it.

In this desert, heat waves radiated off the ground and while I was sweating like crazy and the heat was uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as other places I've been (such as the Mojave on the way toward San Diego or Los Angeles in September when I was 15 -- OMMFG!!!!  It was so hot there, the air seemed hardly breathable!).  There was a certain life to this heat.  I don't know how to word it.

Anyway, as I continued, I came over a hill and I saw a Dragon.  He had the boxy-shaped head similar to a Chinese dragon, but he wasn't as slender as one.  He looked at least the size of a hippopotamus but still had the classic Dragon serpentine grace.  He wasn't made of scales.  He was living fire and he was going around burning things.  He was setting trees on fire and other things and it seemed to be for no apparent reason.

Before I thought the better of it, I walked down the hill toward the Dragon.  At first I was afraid he would burn me too when he turned, saw me, and stopped what he was doing.  Though there were no actual "eyeballs" in that draconian head, his gaze still struck me as being extremely curious.  "Why are you doing this?" I asked.  "Why are you burning everything?"

"It's my job to," he said simply.

I felt hesitant to say that I didn't understand.  Long have I loved Dragons, but even I know better than to annoy one.  Still, he took the lost look on my face in stride."I bring about endings and, in those endings, I bring about beginnings.  What I do here is what is done in your world.  What I burn here burns over there and as I do so, things begin again from the fertile soil of destruction.  I clear out the cluttered undergrowth that prohibits growth and I make way for healthy beginnings."

I pondered this for a moment.  It made sense.  It's not the first time I've heard of fires being set for the sole purpose of preserving the health of a forest.  In fact, the first time I heard about this was when my parents and I visited Sequoia National Forest.  The guide explained that every so often, a particular section of the forest is set afire to burn away undergrowth and cause fallen pinecones to release their seeds so that new trees will grow."If you so wish, I can do the same for you."  That statement startled me.  He told me that, basically, he could help me to burn away the old so that the new could start, which would help me to discover who I really am.  He gave me a bump on the shoulder with his snout before sauntering off to continue his work.

The next thing I knew, Greyhart's voice was calling us back, coaxing us to come back down the path out of the Fire Realm.  When we got back, he asked us to tell him of what we saw.  When Jason and I finished regaling him with our adventures, Greyhart asked us how long we thought we'd been there.

In my head I knew it had to be a mere amount of minutes, but as I thought of all I'd seen and the conversation with the Dragon that I'd had, it FELT like I'd been there at least an hour.

"I watched the clock while you guys were gone and you were gone for exactly 3 minutes."   He went on to explain that time in the other realms ran differently than they do here.  This is something I already knew, but still.  It was good to talk about.  He also asked us how we moved around in the Fire Realm.  "I started out walking when you were guiding us down the path, but when I got there, all I really had to do was think 'I'd like to be over there' and there I was.  Hell, it didn't even really take a thought."   'Cause when I thought about it, I didn't remember doing much walking.  I'd start to walk in a particular direction, but then I'd just be there in the blink of an eye and it didn't even dawn on me how "abnormal" that is.

"The laws of locomotion also don't apply the same as they do here.  It's different wherever you go," he explained.  He also expressed how pleased he was by the fact that we'd not only found the Fire Realm but that some of the creatures there had actually talked to us.

Finally, we got to the part of the evening where we practiced summoning Fire Elementals.  Naturally, because of my shy preference to let other people go before me so as to get an idea of how I want to do something, Greyhart had me go first.  Oh goody!  Maybe someday I'll get over that awkwardness of being thrown in the pool to swim first.  LoL!

Anyway, so my first attempt kinda fizzled.  The being that came through was kinda puny and its energy sputtered a bit.  It kinda felt like I'd started to bring over something of decent size but then just ended up with a fistful of fur.  Does that make any sense?   Even Greyhart, from where he sat on the couch, gave me a rather bemused look like "Really? Surely you can do better."

He stood from the couch, had me face back toward the south, put his hands on my shoulder blades to help me ground for a moment, and then told me to envision that that portal path to the Fire Realm again.  I can't remember all of what he said, but at one particular thing he said, I saw the path burst into flames on either side as it shot the rest of the way into the Fire Realm.  As soon as I felt that, I knew exactly who I wanted to find and it didn't take me but a moment.  Standing not too far away from the portal entrance was my Dragon friend.  I felt a swell of joy that he was there.  In the moments before I said the words to call him to my circle, the Dragon had already said he would come.

"Hail to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the South. I call you forth to be a guard unto my circle. Be here now."   As I said that last while drawing a Pentagram in the air, I felt a ripple of energy shoot from my chest and I knew he was there.  I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes again to look back at Greyhart.

His eyes were wide.  "Damn!"  Jason's eyes were quite wide as well.  Greyhart asked him to tell us what he felt.

"What she called through made itself small enough to fit into the room, but I can tell it's A LOT bigger than that.  I can feel the heat emanating from the south.  I seriously feel like I'm standing next to a furnace.  When it came through, I felt like I was within feet of one of those pyrotechnic torches that they use for special effects."

That thrilled me enough, but Greyhart's words sent me straight into elation.  He basically gave me major props.  He said that that was my best conjuration ever, it was FAR BETTER than the ones I did for Air and Earth previously.  He even said that the Dragon was the biggest Elemental that had ever been called in his house.

Seriously, while he was telling me all this, I just wanted to do a friggin' happy dance.  ^_^  The crowning point was when he told me that this is why he'd taken me on as a student -- because he'd seen my potential for doing magick like this.  "You keep doing what you just did and, someday when you're leading ritual, people are gonna notice and feel what you're doing and they're gonna want to know how you did that."I thought my face was gonna crack.  ^_^

At last, when I sent the Dragon back home, I silently thanked him for coming before saying the words to send him home.  After he left, the temperature in the room, though it had been hot from the get-go and had gotten even hotter when the Dragon arrived, went back down by a noticeable degree and I felt like I was walking on air.

Sometimes you have to take steps back before you can go forward

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Alllllllllllllllrighty.   It's been close to a month since I last made a post.  >.<   I'm at the point where I have no idea where to start to try to tell about everything that's gone on.  Hell, I've got a draft post that I still need to finish to tell what's been going on with my Year and a Day class.  Yet, that one's been stuck in my Drafts folder for how long?  Psh!  Almost a month!

Things have been crazier than usual.  One of the biggest things I've been dealing with is being sick.  I caught the crud from my kiddoes and it has been kicking my butt all over the place.  I finally went to be seen at the ER last night because I wanted to be sure it wasn't turning into something serious (my biggest worry was pneumonia).  Thankfully, I just have a respiratory infection which the Z-pack I was prescribed should have it taken care of in no time.  ^_^

The other big thing (aside from trying to get caught up on schoolwork) is that Druid and I have, basically, broken up for the time being.  We have had a lot of residual things, resentments, building up against each other.  We had a huge blow-out about a week & 1/2 ago (give or take) and, once we finally started talking constructively together, Druid suggested that we just live as friends/roommates for the time being and to try to work our issues out that way -- try to rebuild a friendship between us and work our problems out under that much more relaxed atmosphere since we just didn't seem to know how to work out our problems as a couple.

*sigh*  Sooooooooooo, yeah.  I think Druid's idea was a good one.  I think it will do us a lot of good to take this step back and to just chill, but there are things even then that make my heart ache.  But I'm not going to get into all that on here.  Not yet, anyway.

I've missed a couple Year and a Day classes because of being sick and there's not going to be any class tomorrow (thank gods) because Greyhart's got something else going on.  I say "thank gods" because that'll give me some more time to recoup before the next class so that I shouldn't be a coughing fit mess like I was at the last class I attended.

I have been LOVING the classes!  It's been a long time since I've written anything about them and I'm sorry for that, but they have been awesome!  Greyhart is a kickass teacher who doesn't shy away at pushing us to break through our comfort zones.  At the last class I attended, we were still playing around with energy and what not (casting circle and what not).   I had comfort zone issues with being put on the spot (no shocker there).  It wasn't so bad when I was just casting a regular circle.  In fact, I got compliments on the last one I cast, which thrilled the hell out of me!  My first one was quite weak because I wasn't drawing in from the energy around me and, instead, was just trying to use my personal power, which was meager at best because of being sick.  My second one was better, but my last one was a lot more like what it should be.

However, he also showed us how to make circles that would move with us and that is where I pretty much blithered out from being so self-conscious.  The circle I cast was good, but then I pretty much shut down after that.  Greyhart, though, was very patient and didn't let me off the spot until I got over myself enough to relax and follow his instructions.   I hope that I'll be in much better shape when the next class comes around.

All, in all, that's a little nutshell of all that's been going on.  Any prayers and positive energy that y'all would be willing to send for Druid and I in hopes that we'll be able to patch things up to a more healthy level would be much appreciated!

)O( Morgaine )O(

PBP Wk 10: E is for Elf Otherkin

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I wrote this on one of my more private journals.  I'm honestly kind of afraid to post this here, but being that I'm not the only one to have written about this topic, it kind of helps.  Just please, bear with me and if this is a topic that makes you roll your eyes with scorn, then move on, ok?

Facing Myself

It's not so much the "facing myself" that I have a problem with, per se.  But, really, when I manage to come down to it, it's still gonna fall right into that category.  It's not that I'm afraid to face myself.  It's more that, I'm not entirely sure how to.  Oh, I know the basic things about myself.  My age, my spiritual beliefs, my dedication to the Goddess Brighid.  I also know about my being a Therian (grey timberwolf).  It's just the whole my being an Elf that I find my issue.

Let me start from the beginning.

I've been a Pagan for going on 10 years.  I'm more book-learned than practice-learned, but that is currently being remedied as I was finally able to start my Year and a Day classes a few weeks ago.  I love my spirituality.  After growing up in closed-minded Christianity, I have practically made myself dizzy with wonderment at the whole new world that Paganism has brought to me - all the possibilities that Christianity just spits down and lobs off as being "impossible".  However, it's remarkable to see just how many Pagans are totally closed-minded to the topic I'm about to cover:

In 2008, I discovered Therianthropy.  The more I explored and learned about it (my main hangout was Werespace), the more it fit that I am a Therian.  It was just a bunch of stuff from childhood that I'd always done as I was growing up without even thinking about it.  Mannerisms and what not.   But even before I knew of Therianthropy, I knew I had a connection with wolves.  And even before that, I felt a connection with Elves.

Now, I wish that my discovering that connection wouldn't sound so damn poser-ific, but I'm sure it's going to sound that way to somebody.  But at the same time, I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that "AH-HA!!" through this medium.    I grew up with the set of "The Lord of the Rings" on my parents' bookshelf.  I knew what a Hobbit was and all that good stuff, but I never really got into it until 2001 when the first "Lord of the Rings" movie came out.   OMG, that movie was pure MAGICK to me!  But not just because of the movie itself.  It struck something within me.  A sort of longing like one gets when they're being shown pictures of Home and they feel homesick.  I don't know how else to put it.  

Now, this was not a feeling I knew how to identify.  At best, I looked at it as my "favorite pretend", I guess.   I don't know how else to put it. 

It's almost like when you're on the verge of a revelation about yourself but, at the same time, you're just not quite ready for the full-on truth.  Does that make any sense?    It's like when you're trying to answer a question that requires some thought and your teacher is looking for a particular answer from you and you are JUST SO CLOSE to it, but not quite. 

This connection and longing flared strong for a few years. I even had a name occur to me and I went by that name for quite a while, but I'm not going to talk about it here.  I don't really feel safe in doing so.

After a period of a few years, it got put on the backburner.  After all, there wasn't much I could really do with that connection at the time.

Now, before I move on, no, I am not Otaku-kin.  I don't think myself a Tolkien Elf.   I'm not that silly.  But I do think that the way they were portrayed in the movie was VERY close to what I feel that I am and, therefore, was close enough to strike such a cord within me.

Now, fast-forward to 2009.   I was already quite familiar by then with Therians and Otherkin, but even after hearing about people who believed themselves to be Elf-kind, I was still getting used to being a Wolf.  Does that make any sense?  I was still processing the knowledge that I'm a Wolf, always have been, and I was still reveling in it.   It's funny, though, what things can bring that all back, isn't it?  And it was still something LOTR-related, but it was footage from the LOTR movies set in a fan-made music video that brought back that revelation for me.  The "AH-HA!!!" moment of that connection I once had felt but had gotten buried.  I guess this time I was more ready for it.  But it still sent chills down my spine.

I was watching, as I said, a fan-made music video to "While Your Lips Are Still Red" by Nightwish, which I had just gotten introduced to by one of my best friends (who also happens to be Fey-kin  ^_^). 

.

I can't really tell you WHY this video triggered me, but it did. And when it brought back all the feelings of connection, the magick, that I'd had several years previously, it just sort of slammed into me all at once: I am an Elf. I'm not just a Wolf, but I'm also an Elf. And in many ways, the Elf feels even more my true form than the Wolf does. The Wolf feels more like a secondary form that I had later, but I originated as an Elf

Still, I felt far more comfortable in embracing my Wolf persona than I did the Elf.  I can't really explain why.  It just felt like I needed to keep that aspect of myself far more closer to the vest than I did my Wolf self.  Unfortunately, when I discovered my being a Therian, I was pretty feckin' careless about who I blurted it to and where I talked about it and my ex got wind of it and tried to threaten that as a means to try to win my children in the custody battle (which hasn't even happened yet). He threatened to tell the courts that I'm some crazy lady who believes that she actually turns into a Wolf. Ugh.  That all is a HUGELY long story and not one that I overly feel like going into. 

So I learned the hard way that ya just don't go blathering this out willy-nilly, which is a huge reason I'm kind of scared to talk about it in my public blog.  Also, somehow, the full-on realization that I am an Elf just felt like it was very important to be far more scrupulous as to where I tell it and to whom.  Honestly, I hardly even bring this up in Otherkin boards or anything.  Part of it, I think, is that I don't want to leave it open for anyone to just write me off as just thinking this way because "Oh, you've just played too much D&D" or, of course "You just think this because you're a Lord of the Rings nerd!"    Honestly?  I think part of the reason I became a Lord of the Rings nerd is BECAUSE of that connection it awoke within me.

I don't know.  I just know that I don't need that kind of negative bullshit.  I know what I am, and that's good enough for me.

However, where my Elven side is concerned, my problem is finding more ways to CONNECT to that.  I can't just keep using LOTR as a crutch because I know it's not entirely accurate where my Elven origins are concerned.  I mean, I love that it establishes some sort of connection, but I want to know more about where I originate from.  I know some Elves and Fey who have developed such a strong connection to those aspects of themselves that they even make repeated journeys to their respective Realms.  

I have one friend who is Sidhe and who is CONSTANTLY blogging about her ventures to the Fey Realms that she calls home.  Now, the more logical mind would write that off as just being some pretty vivid imaginings and what not.  Hell, I'll be honest, it was pretty difficult for me to grasp sometimes without just thinking her highly imaginitive and just trying to wow her fans with it.  And yet, her stories of the Fey Realms sound true.  When you let go of the human mind's restrictions and allow yourself to realize that the worlds of the Fey and the Elves and all other "mythological" creatures are not bound by the same laws and inhibitions that the human world is, then hearing of what goes on over there doesn't seem quite so "O.O  WTF????"   LoL

And, as it is, a new acquaintance of mine who is also an Elf (who also writes for the Pagan Blog Project) has spoken recently on her journal of journeying to Otherworld, as she calls her Elven home.  Having heard, now, two different people who don't even know each other talk of such things, that makes me realize even more that it's entirely possible.

But I have no idea how to do that.  I have no idea how to broaden my connection to my Elven self so that I can learn more about who I am as such.  I've only got faint pictures.  Perhaps a vague picture as to what I looked like as an Elf.  I see long black hair, for one thing.  I think my eyes were either brown or maybe even purple, but part of me doesn't dare to try to seek further than that right now because it just feels like I'm grabbing at straws.

Um.......I know that there are many different races of Elves, but I feel like the kind I belong to aren't terribly different than what's spoken of in Celtic lore.  As in, I feel like my kind were neighbors of the Fey of Celtic lore.  I dunno.  It's what I feel, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am correct.

I can feel that, as an Elf, I felt most at home in mountains and forests and also loved the ocean, which is something that I've carried with me into this life.  When I go to any of these places, I feel like I've come home.  It feels like the kind of home-coming one feels when they've been away for years.  It's been years since I've gotten to see the ocean and I miss it terribly, but it's not so bad since I've gotten to come home to Colorado.  Her woods have a particular magick to me that I haven't yet felt anywhere else.

Certain forests call to me more than others, if that makes any sense.  Certain forests heal me and invigorate me more than others.  I don't know how to explain it.

Like, this past Autumn, Druid and I took the kids up into the mountains after we picked them up from school.  We went up into the Rocky Mountains National Forest and found a campground to park at and we meandered the woods for about an hour.  I'd been going through a lot of stress at that time and I needed a release.  When we got up into the campground and went up into the woods, OMG I felt such a rejuvination that I can't even describe!  It's the same sense of magick I feel whenever I listen to Jenna Greene's  "The Chapel of the Wood" (click the link to hear the song).

As time has gone by since that full realization back in 2009, I buried it back down but not quite so deeply.  It's never been forgotten, it's just remained unexplored.  But now I'm feeling that thirst to explore it more and to finally start solving this puzzle about myself.  It's so hard, it seems to me, to do that because, unlike how it is with my being a Wolf, I don't really have anything in this world that I can grab onto to try to further that connection.  I don't really have any books I can read, for instance, about Elves.  Not that I know of, anyway.  I honestly don't even know where to start.  And I don't really know any other Elves I can talk to about this.    I just became acquainted with one through the Pagan Blog Project, whom I mentioned earlier.  But she seriously is the only other Elf I know of.  It's far easier for me to find other Wolves to converse with than it is to find other Elves  LoL   Ironic.  My Theriotype is one of the most common, but my Kin-type doesn't seem to be.  I've found more Dragons, Demons, and Vampires in the Otherkin community than I have found Elves.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of to get off my chest for now.  I've been avoiding this for a while, but I do feel better now that I've finally gotten around to writing about this.

Year and a Day: Week 3

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Ok, I'm hoping that this is not going to become the habit (writing about the previous class the day before the next one).  Last week was pretty easy-going.  Greyhart discussed with us Craft Names as well as Books of Shadows.  There's not much new that I can say about Craft Names seeing as how I'd already discussed that for the Pagan Blog Project, but I have yet to get into the topic of keeping a Book of Shadows, so there you go.   One thing I did learn was how Greyhart came by his Craft Name but....I don't think I'm comfortable talking about that on here.  For one thing, it's not my story to tell (obviously) and for another, I don't want to blurt something like that only to learn from him later that I should have asked his permission first.

Anywho, moving on to the BOS topic:

It's quite a familiar topic, but keeping a BOS is something I've never been good at.  If I use a regular bound journal, I have to write everything chronologically and hope that I can remember where it was that I wrote what.  If I kept a physical binder, I think I would like that option the most out of the touchable options.  I like the idea of being able to organize things to my liking with tabs to tell me what section I can find which topic.  However, I don't have anything right now that I can use for a binder BOS.

Another option, of course, is the keeping of a BOS on the computer.  There are many different options for that.  One could use a blogging site such as this one or even LiveJournal.  Even though things are still written chronologically, one has the use of Tags to keep track of different entries, which is definitely something I like.  If one doesn't want to use a website that, of course, relies on an internet connection (what if you lose internet at home or something?), one could make use of a desktop diary software such as Chrysanth.  However, my current favorite option for keeping a BOS on the computer is using Microsoft OneNote.   If you happen to have the Microsoft Office suite and you have OneNote, I HIGHLY recommend using that.

This was something that J and I suggested to Greyhart, who perked up with interest as we described its vast options for use.


I started a BOS on OneNote several months ago, but I haven't filled it out very much.    Here's a glimpse of part of my OneNote BOS:

I've got tabs for Correspondences (such as the Sunday Correspondences partially pictured above), Sabbats, Esbats, Chants and Songs, Rituals, Spells, Magickal Journal, and Herbs.

On the Correspondences tab, you can see that I've got Pages for each day of the week.  Thus far, I've only gotten Sunday done, but I'm about to start working on the rest of them.  The info I've been getting for the Correspondences section comes from Ellen Dugan's book,  "Book of Witchery".

So, that's about all for now.  I think I may start a BOS LJ to store info that I gather on my Microsoft OneNote BOS.  And, of course, this blog is also part of my BOS.   For now, I think I'm going to flesh out my OneNote BOS.

Year and a Day: The First Two Weeks

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Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  I know. I totally forgot to post how my first class went last week and now I've got two classes to write about. It's only two classes in, but I am REALLY enjoying it thus far! 
Last Monday it ended up being just my teacher, myself, and one of the two other students, a guy I'll just refer to as J.  The gal who wasn't there (S) ended up missing because she was sick.  For the first class, Greyhart discussed the overall history of Witchcraft.  There was a lot I'd already read out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" but there was just as much that I didn't know such as the actual purposes of the Pyramids at Giza.  Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  I know. I totally forgot to post how my first class went last week and now I've got two classes to write about. It's only two classes in, but I am REALLY enjoying it thus far!
Last Monday it ended up being just my teacher, myself, and one of the two other students, a guy I'll just refer to as J.  The gal who wasn't there (S) ended up missing because she was sick.  For the first class, Greyhart discussed the overall history of Witchcraft.  There was a lot I'd already read out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" but there was just as much that I didn't know such as the actual purposes of the Pyramids at Giza.  Of course, the Witch Trials and Inquisitions were discussed (big, resounding "duh" there LoL).  I learned a bit more about the Malleus Mallificarum ("The Witches Hammer"), a book written by Heinrich Kramer.  Jakob Sprenger's name was put on there as a means of giving the book a bit more credibility.  However, I learned that it was not nearly as unanimously accepted as I thought.  There were some places where the Malleus Mallificarum was used in the Inquisitions where the local churches flat-out rejected the book, basically, as complete and total bullshit.  I guess it's relieving to know that, as it is today, not all the Catholic Churches stood in agreement with the harshness and cruelty of the witch hunts.

Some of the random discussions centered around Greyhart's personal travels to places like England and Italy.  In the first class, Greyhart mentioned (interjected during a discussion of the Greek gods and the Titans) a tour he'd gotten to take in Italy where, in one place, you can almost see the silloughette of a Titan in the hills, similar to how one can see the form of the Goddess in the area surrounding the Glastonbury Tor.

There was so much that we talked about that class (which is scheduled from 7pm - 9pm) ended up going about 20 minutes over.  After that, the three of us ended up gabbing for nearly another 3 hours.  It was a quarter to midnight when I left.  I didn't really talk much, but I very much enjoyed listening to Greyhart and J converse. Topics ranged from a yearly festival called Dragonfest, Greyhart's travels, J's life being in a military family, and there was much talk about guns that piqued my curiosity.  I've never shot a gun, but it's something I'd eventually like to learn. Between conversations from both Mondays, I've learned that I'm apparently the only one who's never even fired a gun.

I ended up staying even later the next class.  Thus far, I can't seem to help myself.  The conversations and fellowship that occurs after the class is over is so enjoyable and I've missed getting to have such interactions.  Still, I need to learn to excuse myself earlier than midnight since it is a school night.

Anyway, last Monday, S was able to make it.  It was good to meet her; she seems quite nice :-)   J & I filled her in on the topics discussed in the previous class.  J did more of the filling in than I did anyway.  I suck at recalling information when put on the spot.  -_-  *facepalm*   Something I definitely need to get better at doing.  After catching her up, the topic for the class was discussing morality vs. ethics, the Threefold Law, and taking personal responsibility.  It was definitely a very interesting conversation.  I'm not quite sure what to write about that one.  It provided a lot of food for thought, much of it consisted of things that I've already believed for several years, and a few things pretty much boiled down to a difference of opinion.  Really, it doesn't matter.  Bottom line, I'm very much enjoying the classes thus far and I'm looking forward to the one tomorrow.  :-)   However, one thing that Greyhart asked us to do for homework was to start writing down our personal codes of ethics and WHY we hold to these things.  I still need to start that.  It's kinda an intimidating project in a way.  There's never really been words for the code I live by.  Basically it can be boiled down to "Would I want someone to do this to me?"  If "no", then I try to not to do those things to others.  I try to be a good mother, girlfriend, and friend.  I try to treat other people with respect but I'm not afraid to break bitch on someone to protect those I love.  Hell, one of my best friends has referred to me as her "guard wolf" for a few years now for that very reason. When she meets new people or when she'd meet a new love interest (even when she got back with the man who is now her husband), she'd tell them,  "Fair warning: If you do anything to hurt me, my best friend, Morgaine, will pretty much eat your soul."   And that's how I am with all those dear to me.

However, I've also had to learn the value of discernment.  I've had to learn to back off unless my help is wanted/needed.  I've learned to not do anything unless those I want to protect say that it's ok for me to because, unfortunately, I've caused them needless drama in the past by defending them without their asking me to or allowing me to.

I try to always show appreciation for kindnesses done for me and to not take such things for granted.  I try to show people that I don't think myself entitled to anything.  I don't think anyone owes me anything.  No one owes me any favors or anything.  I also try to give back in whatever ways I can.  It's these things that, quite frankly, make me infuriated when people try to use me or abuse any help I offer.  But then I also realize that I'm not responsible for the way these people act.  I can only try to make sure I don't behave that way.

PBP Wks 7 & 8: D is for DOUBLE POST!

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I don't see any point, really, in doing two separate posts for the D topics at this juncture.  The topics I have chosen are 1: Depression and 2: Discipline.

Depression -

I've mentioned this on my blog before, a conversation I had with my mother not terribly long ago.  It, for me, was a very disheartening conversation.  It felt like my relationship with my mother had taken ginormous steps back.  I'm talking "Back to when I first came out of the 'broom closet' with her" sort of thing.  I know she doesn't see it this way, but I felt that she was judging me ill for being a Pagan when, obviously, it hasn't made me the happiest fucking fluffy bunny on the face of the planet.

That's how it's supposed to work, right?  You find the spirituality that you feel is right for you and everything bad in your life, including depression, just magickally goes POOF! and disappears, right?

WRONG!!   I'm sorry, but it does not work that way.  Not even for Christians, despite how much they might protest to the opposite.  Religion/spirituality is not a cure-all.  It does not erase from us the responsibility of seeking out our healing and working through our problems, no matter what it might be from.  What it does, however, is empower us with the strength to strive for our healing.  And for things like emotional/mental issues like depression, it is a lot of work!  Mind you, I don't take medication for depression, though there are many times I wish I could.  I have no doubt that I've got a hormonal imbalance that contributes, but even then a pill isn't going to fix the situations that contribute to depressive episodes.  What I end up having to do is find coping methods when I go into a spiral or I feel like I'm heading that way.

As it is, I've been dealing with clinical depression for probably around a decade and a half.  I was 19 when my mother had a talk with me to tell me that that's what I have.  Have I ever been officially diagnosed?  No.  But it doesn't take a genius to see that I exhibit a good 98% of the symptoms.  Trying to find ways to deal with it hasn't been easy, especially after spending the better (or worse, rather) part of 6 years with a husband who scorned me for having depression to begin with.  He was thoroughly unsupportive and would even make fun of me if I ever made the mistake of telling him I was dealing with a spiral.  Oh, and then he would go into these tirades about how he was manic depressive and he could deal with it in these ways, so I should be able to as well and blah, blah, blah.   Never could I count on him for support of any kind -- I can't count how many times he treated me like a weakling because of it.   I could go into so much where he's concerned, but what's the point?

The point is that, despite what people like him (and Tom Cruise) say, depression is a very real and very valid  affliction.  If you are having to deal with it, I want  you to understand something:  YOU ARE NOT WEAK.  YOU ARE NOT A STUPID PERSON.   And if you have anyone in your life who treats you like this because you deal with depression, then they need to be booted from your life ASAP if at all possible. Things like that can turn a depressive person suicidal in real short order.  I had suicidal thoughts because of my ex-husband a couple of times.  I felt like he didn't care (he didn't).  I felt like nobody really cared.  I felt like it must seriously just be me with the problem.  That shit can cause a deathly spiral in no time.   And even the one time I told my ex-husband that I was feeling suicidal, can you guess what reaction I got?  Here's a clue: it wasn't a caring one.  It wasn't a supportive one.

Being Pagan has not cured my depression anymore than being a Christian did.  And it, quite frankly, stung me when my mother said what she did.  I, honestly, wanted to tell her  "Are you kidding me?"  I wanted to ask her if being a Christian had helped her past her depression and issues from things she suffered as a child (which I will not go into here, but trust me, y'all, it was BAD especially when she started to remember them) or if she'd really had to work at getting past and healing from these things.  'Cause lemme be the first to tell you that she had to fight like hell to get past these horrors and to even forgive enough to not be enslaved by her hatred.  I was there for it.  I was there as I watched her snub off contact with her family until, gradually, she healed enough to be able to first endure them and then finally love them again.   It was not easy.  God did not give her a magickal cure-all anymore than He and Brighid have given me one.  And believe me, I've got my own childhood issues to deal with, especially where my step-dad is concerned.

However, what God and Goddess/Brighid HAVE done for me is be there for me.  They've given me the empowerment and the strength to keep working at shedding the situational garbage that has contributed to my depression.  Am I there yet?  No.  I'm not.   I still have a LONG way to go, especially where it concerns being freed and healed from the things that's happened in my life.  It is a daily effort.  Especially where it concerns my thoughts.  There are so many times where I'll start to think about painful things that have happened and I get angry all over again.  And then it runs around in my head like a couple of ferrets and I find myself diologuing in my head.  I'll find myself daydreaming of getting to tell these people EXACTLY what I think of them and where they can shove it.  I find myself daydreaming of telling my ex-husband and one particular family member who thinks himself infallible that you CAN'T just say hurtful shit to people and then act like THEY'RE the problem and to grow some balls, stop putting the focus on me and actually start looking at themselves and realize what horridly unkind people they are.

That kind of shit runs through my head for hours if I can't get it to stop and, believe me, it is seriously difficult to get it to stop.  Especially if it's during the time that I'm supposed to be sleeping.  It is a genuine effort that I have to give, sometimes daily, to not allow myself to be haunted and tortured by these things.  But it is possible!

One thing that's definitely helped me is looking for things to be happy and thankful for -- to realize how much God and Goddess/Brighid have stuck by me through thick and thin.  They have brought me through so much and in one piece!  I still struggle, but it gets easier to remember as time goes on.  I think back on where I used to be and realize that, even though things aren't even close to perfect, I am still so much better off than I was.

I'm still an angry person.  I'm not gonna lie.  And I still go through REALLY BAD depression spirals sometimes.  I had one this last summer that was a total doozy; it was the worst spiral I'd had in YEARS!  And Druid, thank Goddess, stuck by me through it all.  Not unscathed, that's for sure, but he stuck by me and supported me as best he could.  He didn't call me weak or pathetic.  He didn't scoff me off.  He didn't treat me like I was a stupid burden who could control these things from happening.  I'm so thankful to be with him.  We've endured so much shit over the past few years -- things that would have had other people throwing in the towel and moving on.  We've stuck together and fought for each other even as much as we've fought against each other.  I honestly don't think I could have gotten to where I am -- made the progress I have -- without him.  <3


Discipline (or the lack thereof) -

Truthfully, I lack it.  It sort of, for me, ties a lot into my depression issues.  It's hard for me to stay motivated and keep going on something that I should be doing, especially if I'm dealing with a spiral or I'm over-stressed by shit going on in the every-day life.  But I'm learning.

I lacked the discipline to be able to go through my Year and a Day on my own as a Solitary.  Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing.  I prefer the "monkey see, monkey do" approach.  I know that what I'm doing now will still require A LOT of discipline to keep going with it even when those times inevitably arise where I feel like "But I don't WANNA go!!!"

It's not even just Paganism where I lack discipline.  Lack of discipline has gotten me in trouble where my schoolwork is concerned (which is why I'm trying very hard to make sure that I stay caught up on everything this semester!) and it's even made it to where I've not made any progress on my health and fitness goals.  And, believe me, I know I have no one else to blame but myself.  I mean, yes, life gets busy and it's hard to find time to work out like I would like.  But lack of discipline has shown me that I'm a total weakling right now where food is concerned.  I totally trashed my metabolism by compulsive snacking and it's been hard trying to break out of that rut.   There are so many things that would be better for me if I just get stubborn and whip myself into shape.

The path of the Witch is one that really does require discipline.  It requires that we really know ourselves, we know our motives, and we don't get in a habit of lying to ourselves about why we do the things we do.  Being a Witch really does require some cajones because it's not an easy thing to be honest with ourselves.  If we're madder than a wet hen at somebody who's done us wrong and we want to just automatically blast them with some sort of delicious hex, it's hard realizing that we still need to be responsible enough to figure out if that's truly necessary.  I'm fully of the belief, as I've said before, that breaking out the bitchcraft is perfectly acceptable and appropriate at certain times.  However, most of the time we might as well just be shooting a mosquito with a bazooka.

Being a Witch means we need to be able to recognize when we can solve something on a mundane level instead of using magick as a cure-all.  It's perfectly alright to turn to magick to solve things, but it's much better if we try to solve things without it first.   If you've had a fight with your spouse or best friend, don't just automatically break out the freezer bags for a spell unless you're just as willing to do one on yourself. After all, is it not quite possible that you're just as at fault for the bullshit?  Do you, perhaps, need to be the one to apologize this time?  At least for your part of it.  Mundane means like trying to make amends sometimes is all it takes and it's good for us to do things like that.  It exercises our character-building muscles.  ^_^   And, believe me, it's a lesson I'm still learning.  I used to be a lot better at apologizing and realizing my own fault in conflicts, but that got lost somewhere along the way and I'm having to re-learn.  I'm having to re-learn that, as much as it stings the pride, saying a sincere "I'm sorry" can be one of the quickest balms to a wounded situation between two people.

Overall, having discipline means to be able to look at yourself honestly, recognize your faults and where you lack, and to try to find ways to better ourselves.  It means to find it within yourself to set a goal and to stick to it.  Don't be wishy-washy like me.  That's something I'm still having to work on.

)O( Morgaine )O(

A New Beginning After Nearly a Decade of Waiting

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Tonight begins my Year and a Day.  In the month since the Paths & Traditions Fair, trying to correlate my schedule with that of Greyhart and my two classmates has been.....interesting as my schedule has had to be at the mercy of Druid's work schedule.  I'm excited and nervous and anxious and....a lot of things.   I know this isn't going to be easy, but should things work out that I accomplish this next year without anything fucking it up, it will be worth it.  At the end of it, I'll have achieved my 1st Degree as a Priestess -- something I've wanted for quite a while.

I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this.  Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far.  Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me.  I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.

Don't get me wrong:  I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this.  I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin.  I hope so, anyway.  I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class.  Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy.  And I'm ok with that.  Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess.  I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.

Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this.  We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher.  He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.  

Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out.  It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have.  It's no one else's fault but mine.  I didn't keep myself going the way I should have.   It's hard for me to explain as to why that was.  I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it).  I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong.  But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.

And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around.  It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen.  And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that.  I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging.   I'm a Gemini, people.  I'm a flibbertigibbet.  Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition.  And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!).  I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.

Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group.  I wanted more formal training, basically.  I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass.   I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.

Does any of that make sense?

For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path.  And I'm going to stick to it.  But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment.   I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.

*sigh*   Things will be alright though.   It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher.  But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth.  To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need.  Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways.  I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down.  I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person.  I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him.  I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.


Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class.  I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow.  Wish me luck!