I'm sorry for my long absence this year. I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging. Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish. I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.
My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself. But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous. Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.
I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like. April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system. I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok. I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.
When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else? However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am. The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him. Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself. There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return. It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.
At least I can take responsibility for myself. It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore. And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him. No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance. And the funny thing? She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc. He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me. Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it. To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy. It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.
I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs. When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine. When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc. And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again. But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are? It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.
When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life. And I flat-out told him I was done. It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore. Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died. What can I say? Double standards have that effect on me. Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.
So, that's that.
I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life. My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to. I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids. I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man). If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes. If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes. It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve. We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.
So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point. My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here. My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through. She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless. My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok. The Goddess has brought us through. Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better. I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that. :-) These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything. Is life perfect right now? No, not even close. But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her. Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!
The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me. The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This Year
Thursday, August 07, 2014
Pagan Blog Project Wk 3: B is for Belief
Saturday, January 18, 2014
be·lief
biˈlēf/
noun
- 1.an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists."his belief in the value of hard work"
- 2.trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something."a belief in democratic politics"
synonyms: faith, trust, reliance, confidence, credence More
When I met my Year and a Day teacher, Greyhart, last year at the Paths and Traditions fair that Living Earth was hosting, he was sitting behind a table that held an assortment of altar objects. I had just gotten done speaking with Chris and Kelly, the representatives of a local Celtic Reconstructionist group and Greyhart's table was right next to theirs. I was feeling terribly awkward and shy as well as stressed out from worrying (too much) about my kids' behavior. Greyhart had put me at ease pretty quickly and when we started talking, he asked me a simple question: of all the altar objects on the table, which one was the most powerful?
I quietly looked at the objects for a moment -- I remember the athame, but I honestly can't remember what else was there. Doesn't matter. After a moment's hesitation, I looked up and said "It's not the objects that are powerful. They're only as powerful as the person holding them."
Altar tools are nice to have. Hell, I love having altar tools. Most of the pieces on my altar are treasured knick-knacks -- a Faerie Glen faerie and a Native American faerie that one of my dearest friends gifted to me, a horse figurine that was a Christmas gift from my brother when I was still a kid, and a horse tealight candle lamp that I received as a high school graduation gift from the woman who taught me how to ride.
The more definitively Pagan items I have on my altar is my Goddess statue, my Moon Phases goddess tealight holder, and my athame, which I don't even keep on my altar full-time because, obviously, I have kids and I'm not comfortable leaving it out where they can get to it.
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| The Goddess statue I have on my altar Pentacle Goddess by Abby Willowroot as shown on SacredSource.com |
Anywho, getting back on track toward the point: I love my altar tools, but while they're nice to have, they are not NECESSARY for doing magick. They basically provide a focus for the magick we wield.
The most important tool we have to make our magick work for whatever purpose we have is our faith and belief. Our certainty that our spell will work gives it the energetic punch to get more than a figurative few feet from our workspace, get out there into the Cosmos, and get it done.
It's nice to have the additional energies of things like herbs and candles and incense and whatever else, but if we don't have any of those magickal helpers at our disposal for getting a spell done, we are not left helpless and bereft of accomplishing our magickal goal(s). If we have no tools or other supplies to work with, we can still have a full-on spell/ritual without them, even if all that's done is simply meditating on our goal and sending out energy to have it done. But all the acts of going through ritual motions and what-not in the world doesn't mean a whole lot if you don't have the belief/faith/conviction that your spell will be successful.
Bringing your emotions into your spell can help fuel your belief. As previously mentioned in an earlier PBP post, anger can be a very powerful fuel for a justice spell or a protection spell or even an appropriately-spun curse or hex or whatever.
Strong desire for a particular result, for example you're wanting a particular job, -- wanting it SO BADLY that you can practically taste it -- can put the punch into a job spell. But the desire should be a productive desire, not a whiny, petulant desire. Does that make sense?
Your desire for said job has to be the desire of determination, not the type of desire you see from a tantrum-throwing child who wants a toy. That shit never accomplishes anything good. But to envision yourself with that job, seeing all the hard work you are going to do when you get that job, seeing the things you'll do to better your life and the lives of your children (if you have children), etc can put a hefty dose of oomph into your job spell.
Simply going through the motions of a pre-written spell isn't enough. I'm not saying pre-written spells shouldn't be used. Not at all. But I know from prior experience that even if you've got the spell and all the items you need/want for it, if you don't have the desire and the belief for the spell to come to fruition, all you're doing is putting on a play.
This past week I've done a job spell. I have a job interview coming up for a job that I DESPERATELY want, and I do mean DESPERATELY. If I get this job, not only could I build a viable career off of it instead of only being stuck in penny-anny jobs that go nowhere, but it would also pay well enough to adequately support my children! I would finally be able to build a GOOD life for us, start chipping away at my debts, build up my savings, and accomplish the financial goals I have set for myself. This job would have the potential to get me to where the kids and I want to be and actually be successful and independent, no longer having to rely on the help of government assistance! :-D That would mean no more Foodstamps, no more TANF!
I could go on and on and on about this job. But I won't. LoL
Before I got scheduled for an interview, the hiring manager told me that she wasn't sure if they still needed any more people for the job and that they had just hired one person. She told me to call her back within a couple of days and that she'd be able to tell me if they were still hiring or not. I'm not gonna lie, I was ready to freak the hell out because if this job didn't work out for me, then I'd be stuck back with fast food jobs and that is SO not what I want!
After we got off the phone, I began to focus like crazy on that job. Filling a bath with some Lavender Epsom salts to cleanse off the despondency and fear I was feeling, I relaxed, closed my eyes, and meditated on the job. "There IS still an opening for that job, I WILL have a job interview for it, and I WILL get hired!" I said over and over and over again. I finally went quiet and visualized my interview with the hiring manager and saw it going well, I repeatedly visualized myself going into the business place to start my work day, standing behind the counter to help people, taking their payments, learning the things I needed to know, busting my ass to progress, etc. Every time I felt my concentration slipping onto other things, I'd give myself a mental shake and bring myself back to the visualization of me going to work and doing the job. I didn't move from the bath until I had that mental image so firmly ingrained in my brain that there was just no doubts left in my mind that I'd get the job.
After taking my shower, I put some Cinnamon Mint scented oil into my oil warmer. Both Cinnamon and Mint are very good for attracting money, prosperity, jobs, etc. I also got a couple of cinnamon sticks from my spice rack and burned them in my cauldron. Granted, of course, they wouldn't stay lit by themselves, but I didn't mind. Focusing on them burning, repeatedly re-lighting them, just helped to sharpen my focus on my drawing that job to me.
The next day when I spoke to the hiring manager, I was EXCEEDINGLY delighted to learn that, indeed, they do still have one more opening for the job I want and I was scheduled to meet with her in a job interview this coming Wednesday. I can't even BEGIN to tell you my delight! I'm not even kidding, after we got off the phone, I jumped around in ridiculously stupid circles, squealing my head off! So far, my job spell has worked! And I am still certain that it will continue to work until I am walking into the business for my first day of work! We shall see!
But my point to all this is that lighting the cinnamon sticks and putting the oil on my oil warmer in and of itself didn't do jack shit. But my focus and belief that this spell would work combined with the energies of the cinnamon and mint has, so far, brought about the (uber) desired results.
When you want a result to come about, you HAVE to believe that it will work. You can't let yourself doubt, as difficult as that may be.
And even then, we know that there will still be times that, no matter how much a punch we put into our spells, belief and all, it still might not work out the way we want it to. That does NOT make you a failure or your spell a failure. I, personally, just take that as a sign that whatever it was was not meant to be. The gods/the universe/the fates/whatever energies/deity(ies) you pray to or whatever still have the right to tell us "no", "not yet", "I've got a different plan for you" or whatever.
But in this case, I have the fullest faith that a job that I can actually prosper at for me and my children is DEFINITELY what I'm supposed to have. I have felt pulled toward this job since it was first mentioned to me that they were hiring for it and that I didn't have to have any prior experience or certifications for it.
I know that this PBP entry wasn't uber well-written and was a bit scattered, but I hope I've managed to put the point across nevertheless.
Pagan Blog Project Wk 2: A is for Adapting
Friday, January 10, 2014
I'm a Gemini/Taurus cusp. The Gemini side says that I'm supposed to be flexible to changes in life whereas my Taurus side digs its heels in. Probably because most of the time when things have changed, they've been changes that I haven't wanted. I stubbornly clung onto two toxic relationships, particularly the second one, because I didn't want to give up, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I could show that kind of fortitude but in a GOOD relationship, my stubbornness would be most fruitful.
However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.
But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.
Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.
My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.
I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.
When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.
However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.
But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.
Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.
My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.
I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.
When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.
Trying to Crawl Out of the Pit
Friday, November 15, 2013
I don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page. I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on. There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.
Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)
But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!
In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!
I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"
I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!
It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.
And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.
This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.
I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!
I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!
These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.
Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!
However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.
*deep breath*
Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)
Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)
But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!
In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!
I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!
It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.
And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.
This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.
I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!
I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!
These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.
Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!
However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.
*deep breath*
Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)
A New Beginning After Nearly a Decade of Waiting
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tonight begins my Year and a Day. In the month since the Paths & Traditions Fair, trying to correlate my schedule with that of Greyhart and my two classmates has been.....interesting as my schedule has had to be at the mercy of Druid's work schedule. I'm excited and nervous and anxious and....a lot of things. I know this isn't going to be easy, but should things work out that I accomplish this next year without anything fucking it up, it will be worth it. At the end of it, I'll have achieved my 1st Degree as a Priestess -- something I've wanted for quite a while.
I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this. Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far. Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me. I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.
Don't get me wrong: I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this. I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin. I hope so, anyway. I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class. Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy. And I'm ok with that. Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess. I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.
Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this. We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher. He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.
Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out. It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have. It's no one else's fault but mine. I didn't keep myself going the way I should have. It's hard for me to explain as to why that was. I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it). I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong. But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.
And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around. It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen. And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that. I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging. I'm a Gemini, people. I'm a flibbertigibbet. Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition. And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!). I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.
Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group. I wanted more formal training, basically. I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass. I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.
Does any of that make sense?
For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path. And I'm going to stick to it. But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment. I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.
*sigh* Things will be alright though. It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher. But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth. To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need. Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways. I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down. I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person. I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him. I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.
Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class. I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this. Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far. Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me. I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.
Don't get me wrong: I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this. I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin. I hope so, anyway. I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class. Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy. And I'm ok with that. Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess. I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.
Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this. We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher. He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.
Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out. It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have. It's no one else's fault but mine. I didn't keep myself going the way I should have. It's hard for me to explain as to why that was. I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it). I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong. But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.
And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around. It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen. And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that. I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging. I'm a Gemini, people. I'm a flibbertigibbet. Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition. And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!). I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.
Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group. I wanted more formal training, basically. I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass. I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.
Does any of that make sense?
For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path. And I'm going to stick to it. But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment. I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.
*sigh* Things will be alright though. It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher. But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth. To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need. Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways. I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down. I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person. I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him. I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.
Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class. I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow. Wish me luck!
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