PBP Wk 10: E is for Elf Otherkin

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I wrote this on one of my more private journals.  I'm honestly kind of afraid to post this here, but being that I'm not the only one to have written about this topic, it kind of helps.  Just please, bear with me and if this is a topic that makes you roll your eyes with scorn, then move on, ok?

Facing Myself

It's not so much the "facing myself" that I have a problem with, per se.  But, really, when I manage to come down to it, it's still gonna fall right into that category.  It's not that I'm afraid to face myself.  It's more that, I'm not entirely sure how to.  Oh, I know the basic things about myself.  My age, my spiritual beliefs, my dedication to the Goddess Brighid.  I also know about my being a Therian (grey timberwolf).  It's just the whole my being an Elf that I find my issue.

Let me start from the beginning.

I've been a Pagan for going on 10 years.  I'm more book-learned than practice-learned, but that is currently being remedied as I was finally able to start my Year and a Day classes a few weeks ago.  I love my spirituality.  After growing up in closed-minded Christianity, I have practically made myself dizzy with wonderment at the whole new world that Paganism has brought to me - all the possibilities that Christianity just spits down and lobs off as being "impossible".  However, it's remarkable to see just how many Pagans are totally closed-minded to the topic I'm about to cover:

In 2008, I discovered Therianthropy.  The more I explored and learned about it (my main hangout was Werespace), the more it fit that I am a Therian.  It was just a bunch of stuff from childhood that I'd always done as I was growing up without even thinking about it.  Mannerisms and what not.   But even before I knew of Therianthropy, I knew I had a connection with wolves.  And even before that, I felt a connection with Elves.

Now, I wish that my discovering that connection wouldn't sound so damn poser-ific, but I'm sure it's going to sound that way to somebody.  But at the same time, I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that "AH-HA!!" through this medium.    I grew up with the set of "The Lord of the Rings" on my parents' bookshelf.  I knew what a Hobbit was and all that good stuff, but I never really got into it until 2001 when the first "Lord of the Rings" movie came out.   OMG, that movie was pure MAGICK to me!  But not just because of the movie itself.  It struck something within me.  A sort of longing like one gets when they're being shown pictures of Home and they feel homesick.  I don't know how else to put it.  

Now, this was not a feeling I knew how to identify.  At best, I looked at it as my "favorite pretend", I guess.   I don't know how else to put it. 

It's almost like when you're on the verge of a revelation about yourself but, at the same time, you're just not quite ready for the full-on truth.  Does that make any sense?    It's like when you're trying to answer a question that requires some thought and your teacher is looking for a particular answer from you and you are JUST SO CLOSE to it, but not quite. 

This connection and longing flared strong for a few years. I even had a name occur to me and I went by that name for quite a while, but I'm not going to talk about it here.  I don't really feel safe in doing so.

After a period of a few years, it got put on the backburner.  After all, there wasn't much I could really do with that connection at the time.

Now, before I move on, no, I am not Otaku-kin.  I don't think myself a Tolkien Elf.   I'm not that silly.  But I do think that the way they were portrayed in the movie was VERY close to what I feel that I am and, therefore, was close enough to strike such a cord within me.

Now, fast-forward to 2009.   I was already quite familiar by then with Therians and Otherkin, but even after hearing about people who believed themselves to be Elf-kind, I was still getting used to being a Wolf.  Does that make any sense?  I was still processing the knowledge that I'm a Wolf, always have been, and I was still reveling in it.   It's funny, though, what things can bring that all back, isn't it?  And it was still something LOTR-related, but it was footage from the LOTR movies set in a fan-made music video that brought back that revelation for me.  The "AH-HA!!!" moment of that connection I once had felt but had gotten buried.  I guess this time I was more ready for it.  But it still sent chills down my spine.

I was watching, as I said, a fan-made music video to "While Your Lips Are Still Red" by Nightwish, which I had just gotten introduced to by one of my best friends (who also happens to be Fey-kin  ^_^). 

.

I can't really tell you WHY this video triggered me, but it did. And when it brought back all the feelings of connection, the magick, that I'd had several years previously, it just sort of slammed into me all at once: I am an Elf. I'm not just a Wolf, but I'm also an Elf. And in many ways, the Elf feels even more my true form than the Wolf does. The Wolf feels more like a secondary form that I had later, but I originated as an Elf

Still, I felt far more comfortable in embracing my Wolf persona than I did the Elf.  I can't really explain why.  It just felt like I needed to keep that aspect of myself far more closer to the vest than I did my Wolf self.  Unfortunately, when I discovered my being a Therian, I was pretty feckin' careless about who I blurted it to and where I talked about it and my ex got wind of it and tried to threaten that as a means to try to win my children in the custody battle (which hasn't even happened yet). He threatened to tell the courts that I'm some crazy lady who believes that she actually turns into a Wolf. Ugh.  That all is a HUGELY long story and not one that I overly feel like going into. 

So I learned the hard way that ya just don't go blathering this out willy-nilly, which is a huge reason I'm kind of scared to talk about it in my public blog.  Also, somehow, the full-on realization that I am an Elf just felt like it was very important to be far more scrupulous as to where I tell it and to whom.  Honestly, I hardly even bring this up in Otherkin boards or anything.  Part of it, I think, is that I don't want to leave it open for anyone to just write me off as just thinking this way because "Oh, you've just played too much D&D" or, of course "You just think this because you're a Lord of the Rings nerd!"    Honestly?  I think part of the reason I became a Lord of the Rings nerd is BECAUSE of that connection it awoke within me.

I don't know.  I just know that I don't need that kind of negative bullshit.  I know what I am, and that's good enough for me.

However, where my Elven side is concerned, my problem is finding more ways to CONNECT to that.  I can't just keep using LOTR as a crutch because I know it's not entirely accurate where my Elven origins are concerned.  I mean, I love that it establishes some sort of connection, but I want to know more about where I originate from.  I know some Elves and Fey who have developed such a strong connection to those aspects of themselves that they even make repeated journeys to their respective Realms.  

I have one friend who is Sidhe and who is CONSTANTLY blogging about her ventures to the Fey Realms that she calls home.  Now, the more logical mind would write that off as just being some pretty vivid imaginings and what not.  Hell, I'll be honest, it was pretty difficult for me to grasp sometimes without just thinking her highly imaginitive and just trying to wow her fans with it.  And yet, her stories of the Fey Realms sound true.  When you let go of the human mind's restrictions and allow yourself to realize that the worlds of the Fey and the Elves and all other "mythological" creatures are not bound by the same laws and inhibitions that the human world is, then hearing of what goes on over there doesn't seem quite so "O.O  WTF????"   LoL

And, as it is, a new acquaintance of mine who is also an Elf (who also writes for the Pagan Blog Project) has spoken recently on her journal of journeying to Otherworld, as she calls her Elven home.  Having heard, now, two different people who don't even know each other talk of such things, that makes me realize even more that it's entirely possible.

But I have no idea how to do that.  I have no idea how to broaden my connection to my Elven self so that I can learn more about who I am as such.  I've only got faint pictures.  Perhaps a vague picture as to what I looked like as an Elf.  I see long black hair, for one thing.  I think my eyes were either brown or maybe even purple, but part of me doesn't dare to try to seek further than that right now because it just feels like I'm grabbing at straws.

Um.......I know that there are many different races of Elves, but I feel like the kind I belong to aren't terribly different than what's spoken of in Celtic lore.  As in, I feel like my kind were neighbors of the Fey of Celtic lore.  I dunno.  It's what I feel, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am correct.

I can feel that, as an Elf, I felt most at home in mountains and forests and also loved the ocean, which is something that I've carried with me into this life.  When I go to any of these places, I feel like I've come home.  It feels like the kind of home-coming one feels when they've been away for years.  It's been years since I've gotten to see the ocean and I miss it terribly, but it's not so bad since I've gotten to come home to Colorado.  Her woods have a particular magick to me that I haven't yet felt anywhere else.

Certain forests call to me more than others, if that makes any sense.  Certain forests heal me and invigorate me more than others.  I don't know how to explain it.

Like, this past Autumn, Druid and I took the kids up into the mountains after we picked them up from school.  We went up into the Rocky Mountains National Forest and found a campground to park at and we meandered the woods for about an hour.  I'd been going through a lot of stress at that time and I needed a release.  When we got up into the campground and went up into the woods, OMG I felt such a rejuvination that I can't even describe!  It's the same sense of magick I feel whenever I listen to Jenna Greene's  "The Chapel of the Wood" (click the link to hear the song).

As time has gone by since that full realization back in 2009, I buried it back down but not quite so deeply.  It's never been forgotten, it's just remained unexplored.  But now I'm feeling that thirst to explore it more and to finally start solving this puzzle about myself.  It's so hard, it seems to me, to do that because, unlike how it is with my being a Wolf, I don't really have anything in this world that I can grab onto to try to further that connection.  I don't really have any books I can read, for instance, about Elves.  Not that I know of, anyway.  I honestly don't even know where to start.  And I don't really know any other Elves I can talk to about this.    I just became acquainted with one through the Pagan Blog Project, whom I mentioned earlier.  But she seriously is the only other Elf I know of.  It's far easier for me to find other Wolves to converse with than it is to find other Elves  LoL   Ironic.  My Theriotype is one of the most common, but my Kin-type doesn't seem to be.  I've found more Dragons, Demons, and Vampires in the Otherkin community than I have found Elves.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of to get off my chest for now.  I've been avoiding this for a while, but I do feel better now that I've finally gotten around to writing about this.

PBP Wk. 9: E is for Endings

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Madison and her mother, Natalie
RIP, Maddie

For some reason, the Pagan Blog Project site has not been updated with the topic ideas for this first week of the E's.   But Endings are something that is very Pagan-related.  Hell, that's not even accurate.  Endings relate to us all.  However, it is our attitudes about them that make the difference.

What endings am I talking about?  Death.  And this is a topic that weighs heavily on my heart today.  I follow Kallan Kennedy's blog The Secret Life of the American Working Witch.  For those who don't follow her, Ms. Kallan has been keeping people updated as to the health condition of a little girl named Madison, asking people to send her healing.  Madison fell ill quite suddenly a few days ago.  She basically went from being this feisty, vivacious 3-year-old to being lethargic and then unresponsive.  Maddie slipped into a coma and was in critical condition.  At one point she almost died, but that brave little girl clung to life as long as she could.

The doctors had treatments in mind for the cancer she was diagnosed with, but they had to do a brain scan on her first.  The brain scan revealed, tragically, that Maddie was "brain dead".  For those unfamiliar with the term, it basically means that there is no electrical activity in the brain that shows any life.  The body is still living but only because the machines are keeping it so.  Maddie was taken off of life support earlier today and released to the Summerlands.

I had been trying to keep up with the updates on Maddie, but life has been completely chaotic over the past couple of days.  I only found out about Maddie about an hour ago.  I'm sitting here in my college library as I write this and I'm not going to lie:  when I found out of Maddie's passing and read the words of her mother that Kallan had posted on her blog, I completely broke down.  All I could do was stare at the picture of that sweet littler girl and her mother, Natalie.  My heart is broken for Maddie's family in a way that I can't even put into words.  It's the sorrow that a mother feels for another mother for her loss.  I don't know how else to put it.  While I cannot fully comprehend the agony that Natalie must be feeling, it's all to easy to imagine how my heart would shatter if I were going through this with one of my own children.  But imagining and empathizing doesn't really come close, does it?   It's a muted, dull ache in comparison.


I don't know what religion Maddie's family affiliates themselves with (or if they do at all).  Quite frankly, I don't care.  It doesn't matter.  But it does come to mind that it can matter where other people are concerned as they seek to offer their condolences because it can affect how Maddie's family is treated as they begin their long journey through the grieving process.  And this is where my point about attitudes come in.

First of all, death is completely natural, people.  Everything dies.  As Pagans, we see death as being part of the cycle.  We are born, we live, we die, and at some point, we are reborn.  On and on it goes until we have learned the lessons that we're meant to.  To us, life really is a school.  One lifetime is a school year.  At the end of our school year, we get our "Summer vacation" in the Summerlands where we rest, rejuvenate, and prepare ourselves for our next "school year".  It's easy to talk of such things without putting any real emotional attachment to it.  We all know this, but it doesn't make it any easier when we have to say goodbye to someone, especially when it's a child so young.    When we are faced with death, we have to face something else that is completely natural too:  Grief.

I've seen people make efforts to comfort the grieving but end up making total assholes out of themselves. I hate to say it, but I've seen the most gaffes spoken by Christians.   If I were in Natalie's shoes, for instance, and someone were to say something to me to the effect of  "Those who believe in Jesus have no need to mourn because they know they'll see their loved one again someday."    Yes, I have seen people use that one or a variation of it.  It's appalling, really.   If I am mourning the loss of someone, I don't need to hear someone tell me that my feelings basically mean that I don't believe in God.  Particularly their God.   There is no comfort in that.   Plus, it just makes it sound as though Christians are the only ones who believe in an afterlife.

And the other crappy thing about being told such nonsense is that there might actually be some people who buy into that crap.  I've seen people who, when they're told that and made to believe that their grief is a sin because it shows a lack of faith in Jesus, they stuff their grief down and, instead, try to put on a happy face lest they be seen as a "bad Christian".

Please understand that I know that Christians aren't the only ones who pull garbage like that.  For the same reasons that I've seen Pagans tell other Pagans  "You're not really a Pagan if you don't do a ritual for every Sabbat and for every Full Moon, New Moon, etc.," I've seen some Pagans go all  "Well, every ending is a new beginning" in a very blase' sort of manner.  I don't know how else to put it.

My point, people, is if you know someone who is having to go through the grieving process, PLEASE don't stunt it for them.  I know that people mean well, but please try to hear what you're saying.  I know I haven't given very good examples, but I hope that they were good enough to at least provoke thought as to how one deals with those who mourn.   I know that we all wish that we could take the pain away from those we love who grieve their loss.  I know we all want to try to find that one thing to say that could convey our feelings and our longing to comfort the bereaved.  But sometimes, the best thing we can do is to give them our love, give them a hug (if they are ok with it), and just be there for them in any way we can without smothering and overwhelming them.   And DO keep them in your prayers and send them loving, healing, and peaceful energy.   Many of us know from experience that the pain never fully goes away, it just becomes easier to live with over a gradual course of time.


I know that this wasn't an overly eloquent post.  I don't really care.  My thoughts, even in their clumsiness, lie with Madison's family.


If any of you who are reading this would like to make a donation to help Maddie's family pay for her hospital costs, please go to this website:  Miracle for Madison   I daresay that they could also definitely use help for the funeral costs.

PBP Wks 7 & 8: D is for DOUBLE POST!

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I don't see any point, really, in doing two separate posts for the D topics at this juncture.  The topics I have chosen are 1: Depression and 2: Discipline.

Depression -

I've mentioned this on my blog before, a conversation I had with my mother not terribly long ago.  It, for me, was a very disheartening conversation.  It felt like my relationship with my mother had taken ginormous steps back.  I'm talking "Back to when I first came out of the 'broom closet' with her" sort of thing.  I know she doesn't see it this way, but I felt that she was judging me ill for being a Pagan when, obviously, it hasn't made me the happiest fucking fluffy bunny on the face of the planet.

That's how it's supposed to work, right?  You find the spirituality that you feel is right for you and everything bad in your life, including depression, just magickally goes POOF! and disappears, right?

WRONG!!   I'm sorry, but it does not work that way.  Not even for Christians, despite how much they might protest to the opposite.  Religion/spirituality is not a cure-all.  It does not erase from us the responsibility of seeking out our healing and working through our problems, no matter what it might be from.  What it does, however, is empower us with the strength to strive for our healing.  And for things like emotional/mental issues like depression, it is a lot of work!  Mind you, I don't take medication for depression, though there are many times I wish I could.  I have no doubt that I've got a hormonal imbalance that contributes, but even then a pill isn't going to fix the situations that contribute to depressive episodes.  What I end up having to do is find coping methods when I go into a spiral or I feel like I'm heading that way.

As it is, I've been dealing with clinical depression for probably around a decade and a half.  I was 19 when my mother had a talk with me to tell me that that's what I have.  Have I ever been officially diagnosed?  No.  But it doesn't take a genius to see that I exhibit a good 98% of the symptoms.  Trying to find ways to deal with it hasn't been easy, especially after spending the better (or worse, rather) part of 6 years with a husband who scorned me for having depression to begin with.  He was thoroughly unsupportive and would even make fun of me if I ever made the mistake of telling him I was dealing with a spiral.  Oh, and then he would go into these tirades about how he was manic depressive and he could deal with it in these ways, so I should be able to as well and blah, blah, blah.   Never could I count on him for support of any kind -- I can't count how many times he treated me like a weakling because of it.   I could go into so much where he's concerned, but what's the point?

The point is that, despite what people like him (and Tom Cruise) say, depression is a very real and very valid  affliction.  If you are having to deal with it, I want  you to understand something:  YOU ARE NOT WEAK.  YOU ARE NOT A STUPID PERSON.   And if you have anyone in your life who treats you like this because you deal with depression, then they need to be booted from your life ASAP if at all possible. Things like that can turn a depressive person suicidal in real short order.  I had suicidal thoughts because of my ex-husband a couple of times.  I felt like he didn't care (he didn't).  I felt like nobody really cared.  I felt like it must seriously just be me with the problem.  That shit can cause a deathly spiral in no time.   And even the one time I told my ex-husband that I was feeling suicidal, can you guess what reaction I got?  Here's a clue: it wasn't a caring one.  It wasn't a supportive one.

Being Pagan has not cured my depression anymore than being a Christian did.  And it, quite frankly, stung me when my mother said what she did.  I, honestly, wanted to tell her  "Are you kidding me?"  I wanted to ask her if being a Christian had helped her past her depression and issues from things she suffered as a child (which I will not go into here, but trust me, y'all, it was BAD especially when she started to remember them) or if she'd really had to work at getting past and healing from these things.  'Cause lemme be the first to tell you that she had to fight like hell to get past these horrors and to even forgive enough to not be enslaved by her hatred.  I was there for it.  I was there as I watched her snub off contact with her family until, gradually, she healed enough to be able to first endure them and then finally love them again.   It was not easy.  God did not give her a magickal cure-all anymore than He and Brighid have given me one.  And believe me, I've got my own childhood issues to deal with, especially where my step-dad is concerned.

However, what God and Goddess/Brighid HAVE done for me is be there for me.  They've given me the empowerment and the strength to keep working at shedding the situational garbage that has contributed to my depression.  Am I there yet?  No.  I'm not.   I still have a LONG way to go, especially where it concerns being freed and healed from the things that's happened in my life.  It is a daily effort.  Especially where it concerns my thoughts.  There are so many times where I'll start to think about painful things that have happened and I get angry all over again.  And then it runs around in my head like a couple of ferrets and I find myself diologuing in my head.  I'll find myself daydreaming of getting to tell these people EXACTLY what I think of them and where they can shove it.  I find myself daydreaming of telling my ex-husband and one particular family member who thinks himself infallible that you CAN'T just say hurtful shit to people and then act like THEY'RE the problem and to grow some balls, stop putting the focus on me and actually start looking at themselves and realize what horridly unkind people they are.

That kind of shit runs through my head for hours if I can't get it to stop and, believe me, it is seriously difficult to get it to stop.  Especially if it's during the time that I'm supposed to be sleeping.  It is a genuine effort that I have to give, sometimes daily, to not allow myself to be haunted and tortured by these things.  But it is possible!

One thing that's definitely helped me is looking for things to be happy and thankful for -- to realize how much God and Goddess/Brighid have stuck by me through thick and thin.  They have brought me through so much and in one piece!  I still struggle, but it gets easier to remember as time goes on.  I think back on where I used to be and realize that, even though things aren't even close to perfect, I am still so much better off than I was.

I'm still an angry person.  I'm not gonna lie.  And I still go through REALLY BAD depression spirals sometimes.  I had one this last summer that was a total doozy; it was the worst spiral I'd had in YEARS!  And Druid, thank Goddess, stuck by me through it all.  Not unscathed, that's for sure, but he stuck by me and supported me as best he could.  He didn't call me weak or pathetic.  He didn't scoff me off.  He didn't treat me like I was a stupid burden who could control these things from happening.  I'm so thankful to be with him.  We've endured so much shit over the past few years -- things that would have had other people throwing in the towel and moving on.  We've stuck together and fought for each other even as much as we've fought against each other.  I honestly don't think I could have gotten to where I am -- made the progress I have -- without him.  <3


Discipline (or the lack thereof) -

Truthfully, I lack it.  It sort of, for me, ties a lot into my depression issues.  It's hard for me to stay motivated and keep going on something that I should be doing, especially if I'm dealing with a spiral or I'm over-stressed by shit going on in the every-day life.  But I'm learning.

I lacked the discipline to be able to go through my Year and a Day on my own as a Solitary.  Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing.  I prefer the "monkey see, monkey do" approach.  I know that what I'm doing now will still require A LOT of discipline to keep going with it even when those times inevitably arise where I feel like "But I don't WANNA go!!!"

It's not even just Paganism where I lack discipline.  Lack of discipline has gotten me in trouble where my schoolwork is concerned (which is why I'm trying very hard to make sure that I stay caught up on everything this semester!) and it's even made it to where I've not made any progress on my health and fitness goals.  And, believe me, I know I have no one else to blame but myself.  I mean, yes, life gets busy and it's hard to find time to work out like I would like.  But lack of discipline has shown me that I'm a total weakling right now where food is concerned.  I totally trashed my metabolism by compulsive snacking and it's been hard trying to break out of that rut.   There are so many things that would be better for me if I just get stubborn and whip myself into shape.

The path of the Witch is one that really does require discipline.  It requires that we really know ourselves, we know our motives, and we don't get in a habit of lying to ourselves about why we do the things we do.  Being a Witch really does require some cajones because it's not an easy thing to be honest with ourselves.  If we're madder than a wet hen at somebody who's done us wrong and we want to just automatically blast them with some sort of delicious hex, it's hard realizing that we still need to be responsible enough to figure out if that's truly necessary.  I'm fully of the belief, as I've said before, that breaking out the bitchcraft is perfectly acceptable and appropriate at certain times.  However, most of the time we might as well just be shooting a mosquito with a bazooka.

Being a Witch means we need to be able to recognize when we can solve something on a mundane level instead of using magick as a cure-all.  It's perfectly alright to turn to magick to solve things, but it's much better if we try to solve things without it first.   If you've had a fight with your spouse or best friend, don't just automatically break out the freezer bags for a spell unless you're just as willing to do one on yourself. After all, is it not quite possible that you're just as at fault for the bullshit?  Do you, perhaps, need to be the one to apologize this time?  At least for your part of it.  Mundane means like trying to make amends sometimes is all it takes and it's good for us to do things like that.  It exercises our character-building muscles.  ^_^   And, believe me, it's a lesson I'm still learning.  I used to be a lot better at apologizing and realizing my own fault in conflicts, but that got lost somewhere along the way and I'm having to re-learn.  I'm having to re-learn that, as much as it stings the pride, saying a sincere "I'm sorry" can be one of the quickest balms to a wounded situation between two people.

Overall, having discipline means to be able to look at yourself honestly, recognize your faults and where you lack, and to try to find ways to better ourselves.  It means to find it within yourself to set a goal and to stick to it.  Don't be wishy-washy like me.  That's something I'm still having to work on.

)O( Morgaine )O(

PBP Wk 6: C is for Craft Name

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One of the most well-known quotes by Shakespeare says "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet."   So what's the point of Craft Names?  To some, Craft Names are a silly tradition where Fluffy Bunnies pounce on the chance to call themselves uber pretentious names that begin with "Lady" or "Lord".   Some of us feel a huge rush of embarrassment at some of the names people come up with. (for a satirical laugh, check out "Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names")

Others, however, put a lot of thought into our Craft Names should we feel compelled to take one.  It's not something we do to make ourselves feel more special or more important or anything.  To us, our Craft Name is a way to connect us more to the Divine and to switch our mindset from the mundane to the magickal.  When we hear our Craft Name spoken, when it's the right one, there's that feeling of rightness -- like we've discovered part of our higher selves and we're on the right track.

That's how I feel, anyway.  Obviously, I can't actually speak for everybody, but I have heard the same said by other Witches.

How long does a Craft Name last?  Is it something that can stay with us forever or do we change names?  Yes and Yes.  I've seen some Witches retain their Craft Name for the rest of their lives from the time they take it and I've seen others eventually grow out of that name and feel compelled to search for a new one.  I fall into the latter category.  I'm not going to go into what my first Craft Name was.  In some ways I miss it, but even in recent times where I've tested it on myself, I can feel that it no longer fits me.  But at the time that it did?  I loved that name.

So how does one go about choosing their Craft Name if they feel that they should?  In my opinion, you search for the name that feels right and magickal to you.  Some might insist that using Numerology is the only way to divine your Craft Name, but I don't personally like that.  I get the point of using Numerology, but I find it to be too restrictive.  What if there is a name that fits your Karmic Number but it's not a name that you connect with personally?  Should you force yourself to just accept that name and be done with it?  Not in my opinion.   I've tried that method and it just didn't fit.  But there are others, of course, that are perfectly content with that method.  Perhaps for them they find it easier to find their name through the use of Numerology.

For myself, when I found my first Craft Name, I used things out of Nature (yes, it was a real hippy-sounding name, but there's nothing wrong with that XD).  They were things that, I felt, had lessons for my personal growth and what characteristics I wanted to develop in myself.  And when I found my name, my gods, I felt what I can only describe as a glow within me.  It just FELT right.  Did it match up to my Karmic number?  No.  But it, in my feeling, didn't have to.

My current name, Morgaine Kildare, was also chosen because of things I want to aspire to and connect with.  I feel a particular connection with the name Morgaine, partially because of the book "The Mists of Avalon".  I admire the character of Morgaine Le Fay as she was written in that story.  To me, it made a lot more sense than any other depiction of her I've ever heard.  But, also, I admired the fact that she made mistakes, she was lost for a while, and then she found her way back to the Goddess.  She re-obtained her Priestesshood on her own through quiet practice and study.  She re-learned to align herself with the tides of nature.  She re-learned her herbal lore.  She fought her way back to the Goddess and the ways of Avalon that she'd forsaken out of her pride.  I find such strength and fortitude a trait to be admired.  It's one of the reasons that "The Mists of Avalon" has become one of my all-time most favorite books.  Hell, at some point, I'm going to have a physical copy of it (I only have an electronic copy on my Kindle).  That's one of those books that, to me, is too magickal to only have an electronic copy; I badly want to be able to physically touch that book.  

And the name Kildare was my way of aligning myself with my Mother Goddess, Brighid.  It was my way of declaring myself as one of Her daughters.

Will this name last me forever?  I don't know.  But I don't anticipate changing my name any time in the near or even distant future.  This name will be mine until such a time as I feel it no longer fits me.

Blessed Be!

)O( Morgaine )O(

PBP Wk 5: C is for Candlemas Happy Imbolc!!!

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I didn't want to pick a topic that would be obvious, but I just can't help it for today.  Today is Imbolc/Candlemas.  Also known as Brighid's Feast.  Most everybody already knows the basic information about Imbolc and Brighid's hand in ushering in the Spring according to Her lore.  Most know that Imbolc is the celebration of the halfway point in Winter before the Spring Equinox.  I'm not going to be writing about facts (but if there's anything you want to know, you should check out this Wikipedia article about Imbolc).

I've been feeling Brighid around a lot lately.  She has helped me a lot through this latest bout of depression that I've gone through concerning some things that I've had to realize about my family.  It's a long story and it's not something I'm going to go into here.  But Brighid has been showing Herself to me a lot lately as though She's trying to remind me that She is also my mother, She hasn't given up on me nor looked down on me for my failures. Hell, She doesn't even see them as failures; they're merely chances and opportunities to get up and try again.  To Her, mistakes are not something to beat me over the head with; they're just chances to learn and to better myself.

I was writing about these things on my desktop diary software (shameless name-dropping here: Chrysanth is awesome!) and as I was doing so, I literally felt a loving warmth and peace settle over me and I knew it was Her.  I feel Her even now.  So, to celebrate my Mother Goddess' day, I'm going to be doing a Flamekeeping shift.  It's not my scheduled day to do so, but you know what? I think when it's Imbolc, every daughter of Brighid should keep the Sacred Flame if she feels compelled to do so.  I have no doubts that Brighid keeps it alongside us today.

I'm also have been feeling the need to work with my Tarot cards again.  Unfortunately, that's something I slumped back on, but since Imbolc is considered a good day for divinations, I think it's a good day to begin again on my journey to learn my Tarot and to try to do better at doing my Daily Card readings.  I wish I could have a chance to visit a stream today, but that's probably not going to happen.  However, cleaning my water fountain and refilling it can be the next best thing. ^_^

I'm so thankful for Brighid's love.  I'm so thankful that she truly does still love me and sees the best in me even when I can't see the best in myself.  Even when others, such as people from my family, can't seem to see the best in me.

Imbolc is a celebration of the journey from the darkness of Winter to the coming light of Spring.  I'm thankful to my Mother Goddess, the Bright One, for her continuing to help me work through the darkness of things that have troubled me for many years.  One doesn't wade through that amount of muck overnight.  It takes time and effort, but I can feel myself gradually shedding these things and as I do, I feel more and more light.  Working through all these things that I've buried down isn't pleasant by any stretch, but it's necessary.

It wasn't that long ago that my mother basically scoffed at my spirituality because it hasn't seemed, in her eyes, to have made me a happier person the way Christianity is "supposed to".  SMH   And that was simply because, yeah, on my Facebook, I'm often expressing my anger and worries about a bunch of different things.  I'm sorry, but it's really sad that so many Christians think that  "Oh yes!  I've accepted Jesus into my heart, so God is just going to go and make everything better!!"   It doesn't work that way.  If it did, then there'd never even be such a thing as a Christian who experiences troubles and depression.

I had to tell my mother that, basically, that just because I still experience troubles and depression doesn't mean that I'm not happy being Pagan.  Are you kidding me?  I LOVE being Pagan!  Being Pagan has brought me far more joy than being a Christian ever did.  But, quite frankly, I've learned to be more expressive about what I feel instead of trying to stuff it down, so yes, I even express when something has pissed me off.  I've learned that my feelings (when they're not dripping sunshine and rainbows) are inconvenient to other people, but that's their problem. Not mine.

Do I still have a lot to learn about working through my emotions in a more constructive manner?  Oh, definitely!  But I have no doubts that Brighid will help me with that too.  May the Bright One give you many blessings on this, Her Feast Day!

Happy Imbolc/Candlemas and Blessed Be!

)O( Morgaine Kildare )O(

PBP Wk 4: B is for Broom Closets and Being Yourself

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I know this entry is a couple days late.  Admittedly, it was hard to find inspiration to write this 4th entry for the Pagan Blog Project.  One might think that writing about Brighid would be an easy out, but I've already written about Her.  I've already written about how I came to meet Her in my meditations and how I've dedicated myself to Her.  That's not to say that Brighid doesn't deserve more than one entry, but I do think that She deserves more than just repetitive things written about Her, especially just for the sake of having an easy topic that frees me from putting any effort into this year of Pagan Blogging.

One of the most common backstories in Paganism are of those of us who came to Paganism after having been raised in Christianity.  As I've written before in my blog, I certainly was.  After I was left disillusioned with Christianity and I found that Dream Spells book at Target, which sparked my initial interest in Paganism to begin with.

I was, for the most part, in the proverbial Broom Closet for several years after that.  I was 21 when I became a Pagan.  Naturally, one of the things I greatly feared was my family finding out -- particularly my mother.  I'd grown up having the evils of witchcraft drilled into me, including the opinions of Harry Potter when those books first started coming out (but, somehow, "The Wizard of Oz" was ok.......how's that for logic?)  I think something I found especially funny later on was an article I'd heard touted about among some of the people in my home church.  This Christian-written article went on and on about how J.K. Rowling had "done research into the occult" when she'd written the Harry Potter books.  After I'd read them and had begun learning about Paganism, I had a massively hearty laugh over the memory of that ridiculous article.

I was confident and happy enough to live relatively out in the open about my beliefs pretty much everwhere in my own realm.  It was easy in that regards, for the most part, seeing as how I was living in Texas at that time and she was still living here in Colorado.  Mind you, I tried not to be overly obnoxious about it, but I was open enough to wear my pentacle out in the open without shame......unless I was going to have to be around my parents.  Then it was hidden under my shirt.  I was so afraid of my mother's reaction about my becoming a Witch, I even found myself writing an essay for her for if/when my time in the Broom Closet was ended.

I ended up coming out of the closet to my mother when, during one of her visits, we'd ended up visiting with a then friend of mine who was a Pagan.  Mom saw some of this friend's books and when I saw that she'd seen them, I knew that my coming out of the Broom Closet was not long in coming.  Sure enough.  The next day, Mom brought up P's books and asked about my own beliefs.  Holy hell.  I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest as this moment I'd long dreaded was finally at my doorstep.

I don't remember everything I'd talked with my mother about, but I remember feeling desperate for my mother to understand that I'd not turned to anything evil.  I was also very much afraid that this knowledge would make my relationship with my mother decline -- well, more than it already had (she hated my ex and rightfully so).  Much to my relief, however, it didn't go as badly as I had thought it would.  I mean, she wasn't thrilled by any stretch, but she expressed understanding for the way I felt about the "Christians" I'd had to deal with as being what turned me off to Christianity in the first place.

As time went on, I gradually became more comfortable with being myself even where she could see it rather than being afraid of what she would think of me.  I wouldn't automatically move to hide my pentacle, be it around her or around anyone else in the family.  And for quite a while, I thought my mother was actually becoming more open-minded about things.  I mean, I guess she was, but recent events have happened that have felt like a huge step back and I don't fully understand why.  I'm not gonna lie:  In many ways I feel like I have lost my whole family.  A recent altercation with my mother, one of the most important people to me in my family, has made me feel again the gap between us.  I'm not going to go into all of it, but one thing she'd mentioned was darkly expressing  "I love you even if I don't agree with all your choices, like religion".   Mind you, that's not verbatim, but that was basically what she was saying and when she mentioned the religious aspect, I felt myself bristle.

I had to remind her that just because I don't follow the Christian path doesn't mean I've turned my back on God or anything.  And I pointed out, as respectfully as possible but also bluntly, that my spirituality is between me and God and no one else.  I also pointed out that I have felt a greater freedom in Paganism to draw closer to God (and Goddess) as I feel I should rather than being forced to do so the way Christians think I should.   It was very frustrating to me to have to re-explain things that I had already told her the day I came out of the Broom Closet.

Make no mistake, I love my family, but it's become quite clear to me (even painfully so) that I don't fit in with them.  I never really have, but my being a Pagan has set me even further apart, but you know what?  As sad as the overall situation makes me, I couldn't really ask for anything different.  I mean, I wish I could have the relationship with my mother that I used to, but I don't know if I ever will.  Between my blatantly different spirituality and the fact that she and Druid had ended up having a disagreement about some religious views when we'd visited them at their home back in September, I honestly kind of feel that many ties have been broken.


Why am I writing about all of this?  Certainly not to scare anyone away from coming out of the Broom Closet if they should feel that it's time for them to do so.  Some people have it easier than others, for true.  Others have had it far worse than I have.  I know people who have had their books destroyed in a violent outburst of rage from parents who thought that such behavior would bring their offspring "back to Jesus" or whatever.  I have known people who face the risk of being disowned and actually were when they took that risk.  Making the choice to live out in the open as a Pagan even in the face of those who might turn their backs on you is not an easy choice.  And it's certainly not one to take lightly.  I have a friend who falls into the Possible Disownment category because her parents (particularly her mum) are Jehovah's Witness, which would basically require her mother to no longer have anything to do with her if her beliefs were to be brought to light.

Some people never really feel the call to come out of the Broom Closet.  Others, even in the face of possible difficulties, have faced it because they felt that it was time.  Don't ever feel pressured to do one thing or the other.  If the Goddess calls you out, fine.  But there are still Asshole Pagans out there (I've met them) who have actually had the balls to pressure people like   "Oh, well, you're not a REAL Pagan if you stay hidden," and other such nonsense.  It's ridiculous how many Pagans out there who really think that they have the right to push their opinions upon people like that.   "You're not a REAL Pagan if you don't celebrate every Sabbat and do an elaborate ritual every Esbat!"  Bleh.

In whatever ways you can, find the courage to be yourself even when stuck in the Broom Closet.   You don't have to be ostentatious with your spirituality.  It's something we walk every day and we can do it without having to draw attention to ourselves.  Just because I'm out of the Broom Closet doesn't mean that I walk around wearing some weird clothes like from "Harry Potter" or anything.  Really, I don't do much of anything different than what I did when I was in the Broom Closet.  In fact, continuing to show ourselves as being normal, everyday people can often be the best testament of ourselves that we can give.  Because when someone finds out that you're a Witch and they've known you for X-Amount of years, they're going to sputter and go, "But you're so normal!"

Exactly.  Which means that we don't fit the horrid stereotypes that have been attached to Witches for so many centuries.

Be yourself as you can.  You're beautiful that way.

PBP Wk 3: B is for Breaking Out the Bitchcraft

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Harsher magick is definitely a hot button topic I've seen squabbled over in the Pagan community.  There are some who swear that "White Magick" is the only way to go and that it is never appropriate to do any "Black Magick".  They tout the laws of Karma and the Wiccan Rede as absolutes with no room for differing circumstances.   And then you have those who flat-out don't believe in Karma and see nothing wrong with throwing out hexes or curses if it suits them.

When I first began my Pagan journey, I used to be just as devoutly against any so-called "black magick" as the others I'd mentioned.  And please just know that I absolutely mean no disrespect to anyone regardless of the views they hold on the topic. Paganism is something that is so personal that it differs for each individual in regards to the path they walk and the views they hold.

The views I have come to hold is that 1: I most definitely do believe in Karma.  I have seen Karma at work and I have seen people, including myself, "reap what they sow", basically.  2: I don't believe in "White Magick" versus "Black Magick".  I believe magick to be like a gun -- its "good" or "evil" depends on the heart of the person wielding it.  I do, however, believe in the difference between "gentle" magick versus harsher magick.  Some magick, regardless of the heart and intent of the person wielding it, is still going to be harsher, stronger, and more tricky than the simpler, more gentle spells such as those we do for healing or to dispel negativity.  It's like looking at a knife set.  Knives can be as dull as a butter knife or as sharp as a martial arts blade.  And sometimes it is perfectly appropriate to break out the harsher magick, or, as I like to refer to it,  "Breaking Out the Bitchcraft".

Spells for justice can be like that.  Especially depending on the severity of the wrong done.  I've seen this one spell that, quite frankly, raises the hair on my neck and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had that reaction.  It calls upon Hecate, Kali, Persephone, and a few others and beseeches them for justice.  I'm talking "Big Guns" kind of spell.   As in, I would probably use this spell if I'd been raped, someone I loved had been murdered -- that kind of thing.   Like, whoever had written that spell had been pushed a good 100 miles beyond their "Enough Point" and they were fed the fuck up and needed some results last week.  Now, I would not personally use that spell for anything less than a dire emergency of a situation.  I don't believe in using a bazooka on a mosquito.  Not to mention that I already have a particularly healthy respect for Hecate where I would not lightly call upon her for aid (in fact, I've only ever called upon her for justice once) and Kali?  Well, Kali just flat-out scares the shit out of me and if the day ever comes where I feel the need to call upon her, then you know that it's pretty much the end of the world for me.

I also fully believe that curses and hexes can be quite appropriate for magickal self defense.  I have a book by Dorothy Morrison called "Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions".  I love that she had the cojones to write this book because guess what?  Not everyone can just go through life only ever trying to solve things with the more "fluffy" magick (and no, that is not meant as an insult; I'm not calling anyone a fluffy bunny).  However, I do believe that magick like this takes someone who is responsible and mature enough to take responsibility of the spell backfires and is mature enough to know when it is appropriate to do these kinds of spells and when it's not.   It should be someone who will know to not use them if a simpler solution can be found (again: mosquito Vs. bazooka is not necessary).

Part of me wishes I had known of these things when I was still with my ex-husband and yet the other part of me knows that I was not yet mature or learned enough to know the appropriate use of such measures.  And, of course, that is still the ultimate responsibility of using magick: Personal Responsibility.  If you don't have that capability, then you have no business doing magick.

Even further, however, I personally believe that learning to deal with the harsher magick is a must if one is to keep the balance within themself.  The world has both the nighttime and the daytime, the light and the dark.  It is a balance that should be kept.  But that's just me.  It's not for me to tell other people how they should do things in their personal practices.  My views are simply that:  my views.

PBP Wk 2: A is for Altars

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I'm definitely a Pagan who loves having an altar.  I don't get to really have a dedicated, permanent altar as I'd like.  That was easier to do before I had 3 curious children who don't quite yet get that what is on Mommy's altar is not to be touched or played with.  I've got some items set up on my rolltop desk that my parents gave me, but there are certain things, such as my athame, that absolute does not stay on there.  I only bring it out to that space if I'm about to work a ritual.

My altarspace is a little bare since there were several items that I ended up having to leave behind when we made our stuff-everything-we-can-into-the-car move last year; things that were replaceable were left behind.  I even had to leave a crap-ton of my books behind, which still makes me sad  :-(  Especially since I have yet to have the opportunity to replace any of those items that I'd left behind.  That's the breaks of financial hardship.

Statue of Brighid

But not only am I wanting to build up my regular altar, I am also wanting to acquire things to make a shrine to Brighid.  I've seen Brighid statuettes that I have been DROOLING over for years!  These two Brighid statues are the ones that I want the most, but of course, must wait until I have enough money where it's not going to set us back financially.

Brigid Candleholder statue

My dream shrine to Brighid is one where I can have it on some decorative wall shelves.  I have the perfect wall in my livingroom for it and that particular wall is in the South.  Considering that Brighid is the goddess of the Sacred Flame of Inspiration and Creation, the South wall is indeed perfect since that is the representation of the Element of Fire.  ^_^   But all these things that I want to get to build a permanent shrine to Her will have to wait since I highly doubt that She would want me to use bill money for those things.

One figurine of Brighid that I would love to have someday is the one that was made based off of the painting by Jessica Galbreth

It's going to be a while before any of these come about, but hey, I can dream, right?  ^_^   I plan on building both altar spaces up one piece at a time as I can.  When one doesn't have much money, that's the smart way to do it.  Bottom line, I know that, overall, the desire for ornate altars is more for me than anything.  I know that an altar in and of itself is not actually REQUIRED to worship and show reverence to God and Goddess or our Patron or Matron deities.  But it does make for a nice place to sit down at and have as a focal point to show worship and reverence and to spend time with them.  It's like having a little bit of a church space in our own homes rather than going to a church itself.

PBP Wk 1: A is for Avalon

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Woot!  This is the 1st week of the Pagan Blog Project 2013!  I'm very much hoping that I manage to do far better with it this year than I did last year.

The topic that I have chosen for this first of the 2 A's is Avalon.  Obviously, there's not exactly a wealth of "factual" information concerning this mystical isle of the Goddess, but there are several things in legend that seem to have come to be the generally accepted ideas about Avalon.  For instance, there is the thought that the holy isle lay right off of the Glastonbury Tor.  Now, mind you, I have no idea what this part of Britain looked like at the time of the Arthurian legends, but there doesn't seem to be a lake anywhere near Glastonbury Tor.  This fact probably doesn't exactly come as a shock to people who have already studied such, but for me, the extent of my "knowledge" about Avalon has mostly come from reading the ever-famous "The Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley and I've also seen the accompanying movie.  But I just looked at Glastonbury Tor through the eyes of Google Maps and the nearest body of water is around 30 miles away.  Who knows?  Perhaps at the time of Arthur there was a lake by Glastonbury.  I don't know, but from what little I've been able to find about Glastonbury's history, it doesn't sound like it.

Still, from what I've been able to read about Glastonbury, whether it was once the way to get to Avalon or not, it's quite clear that it's still thought of as a holy and magickal place, especially from a Pagan point of view.  The Goddess in Glastonbury

In stories like "The Mists of Avalon" where Avalon is as central to the storyline as Morgaine Le Fay and King Arthur, Avalon was the holy island where girls were sent to be fostered and raised to be Priestesses of the Goddess.  It was said that Avalon was separated and protected from the mortal world by a magickal barrier constructed by the Faeries.  In the book "Lady of Avalon" (also by Marion Zimmer Bradley), you come to find out how and why Avalon is separated from the mortal world, its original connection to the Glastonbury Tor, and even how and why the priestesses first came to the isle.

Avalon holds a particularly high fascination among Pagans.  In the stories like "The Mists of Avalon", Avalon is the ultimate magickal place where one connects to the Goddess as the girls go through the years striving and learning what they need to become priestesses of the Goddess.  Many groups and people in the Pagan community seem to take inspiration from the stories of Avalon and of Morgan Le Fay (myself not excluded) be it in action or in name usage. For instance, there's the Sacred Mists Online College (also their Sacred Mists Tradition and Sacred Mists Coven).  From what I've read about them, they take much inspiration from Avalon in that the Sacred Mists Tradition is a blending of Celtic Traditional and Faerie Wicca.  There's also The Coven Avalon.  And I can't even think of all the Pagans I've come across who have taken a name from the legends of Avalon for whatever reason.

Even for myself:  I took the name Morgaine because, after reading "The Mists of Avalon", I admired how Marion Zimmer Bradley wrote her.  She was clearly human in her frailties and mistakes, she tried her best to learn the lessons set before her and she fought tooth and nail to regain all of her priestess knowledge that she'd forsaken after her falling out with Viviane.  She sometimes made crappy choices but, all in all, she tried her best.  I found her telling in "The Mists of Avalon" to be very inspiring and useful to apply in my own life.  I want so much to be like her.  I want to strive to progress in my learning and practice as she did.

Well, I guess this about wraps up my first entry for the Pagan Blog Project.  I'm sorry if it's not overly coherent.  My thoughts have been in a stressed-out jumble and it took me 2 days to put this together because I've been preoccupied by some massive stresses going on right now.  Perhaps the next PBP entry will be better  ^_^