I'm sorry for my long absence this year. I felt it necessary to take a hiatus and focus more on trying to get my life back rather than worry about blogging. Once again I (quite blitheringly obviously) fell off the PBP wagon, but hey, there's always next year to try again if I wish. I don't know if I will, but I've got time to figure that out.
My life still has a long way to go to get brought on track to where I need to be for my kids as well as myself. But as odd and difficult as this year has been, it's also been, in many ways, far better than years I've had previous. Oh, it's had its share of dire frustrations and stress, but it's also had just as many moments that have been flat-out amazing.
I've been cutting a lot of crap out of my life, things that have been poisonous and had, thus, poisoned me and turned me into a person I didn't like. April marked a year since Druid and I broke up, but the effects of that direly toxic and abusive relationship took a LONG time to weed themselves out of my system. I still have a long way to go before I feel ready for a relationship and that's ok. I've come a long way, though, and I'm glad.
When Druid and I first broke up, I felt like I would never be in a relationship again because, obviously, I made him miserable and why would I want to inflict myself on anyone else? However, in the time since, particularly after this year began, I finally was able to realize that the person I became during that gods-awful relationship is not the person I really am. The person I became was due to the abuse I received from him. Don't get me wrong, I fully acknowledge that I didn't have to go that far into Shitsville just to stand up for myself. There were plenty of times that the way I treated him was just me giving him a taste of his own medicine (not that he ever got it; he still doesn't) but there were plenty of other times that the way I treated him was entirely unprovoked and, therefore, was me being an abusive ass in return. It's not something I'm proud of, but facts are facts.
At least I can take responsibility for myself. It took Druid the better part of 6 years to FINALLY acknowledge how much of an asshole he was with regards to his insecurities and his treating me like a cheating whore. And it wasn't because someone tried, yet again, to explain it to him. No, he had to suffer that kind of treatment at the hands of a girl he was seeing (uber) long-distance. And the funny thing? She'd never been cheated on in her life, but she still was treating Druid every bit the way he treated me -- the interrogations about every female he's friends with on Facebook, the uber mistrust, etc. He got ALL of it, every bit of the shit he gave me. Not gonna lie, but I kinda smirked when he told me about it. To his credit, however, he didn't tell me in a whiny way that sought sympathy. It was purely expressed in a manner that said he FINALLY understood how I had felt for all those years with that kind of treatment.
I was glad that he finally took responsibility for that, but that didn't last long. It never does, really, when he and I get into tiffs. When things are good, he can acknowledge efforts I've made, admit to shit he's done, and things will seem fine. When we get into arguments, he miraculously gets amnesia and forgets every effort I've made, every apology I've tried to tell him, etc. And at the one that permanently ended our friendship that I tried to keep for the sake of the kids, he tried to subject me to the same crappy shit and get me to believe the crappy things he thinks about me yet again. But the nice thing about having rediscovered the person you really are? It gives you the strength to not subject yourself to that person's twisted delusions again.
When you know you've grown and someone is trying to act like you haven't and all that shit, that person does not need to stay in your life. And I flat-out told him I was done. It's not worth trying to maintain a friendship with him anymore. Of course he can still keep in contact with the kiddos, but any desire I used to have to still be friends has totally died. What can I say? Double standards have that effect on me. Especially when someone demands that I respect his feelings (which I did) but he had absolutely no respect for mine or for the boundaries I felt the need to put in place.
So, that's that.
I'm actually grateful for the people I have culled out of my life. My vision is far less clouded about myself and I know that I have grown and improved as a person -- as a mother as well as personally and other areas too, if that made any rutting sense whatsoever -- and I'm still trying to. I am determined to get my life on more settled and stable ground for me and the kids. I'm determined to be able to give them the childhood that they have always deserved, and I am determined to not accept anyone into our lives as my potential mate if he/she is not a good fit for ALL of us (yes, I said "she" -- I'm bisexual. I have just as much likelihood to fall in love with a woman as I do to fall in love with a man). If s/he is not a good fit for my kids, s/he goes. If s/he is not a good fit for me, s/he goes. It's got to be a good fit for my kids AND me because that's what we all deserve. We deserve someone who will love ALL of us wholeheartedly.
So, with Lughnassadh recently passed, I look at my "First Harvest" and what has thus far brought me to that point. My connection to the Goddess has strengthened as I have chosen to let go of the things and people that have kept me imprisoned in hatred and negativity and as I sit here writing this, I can feel the flutter in my heart from excitement as I know it's only going to get better from here. My "First Harvest" is, yet again, being able to recognize who I am now as opposed to what I was for a while, the ability to recognize that it was the positive steps I have taken to get me to this point, and the ability to recognize and thank the Goddess for all that she has brought me and my family through. She didn't CAUSE any of this, She's just been here for me through it all, even when I felt at my most hopeless. My "First Harvest" this year has been the resulting peace as I feel that I finally understand that no matter what I'm going through, it's all going to be ok. The Goddess has brought us through. Hell, she brought me through some of the worst times of my life and I'm still here, my family is still together, and we're doing better. I've gained a lot more trust and peace because of that. :-) These are things I was thinking on as I was doing some grocery shopping earlier today and I just felt SO overcome with gratitude that I spent much of my shopping time just quietly and passionately thanking the Moon Mother for everything. Is life perfect right now? No, not even close. But I cannot deny that, even with everything that's gone wrong this year, I feel a lot more sturdy and unshakeable because of her. Even recently when I had to battle the fear that it was all going to come crashing down on me again, I focused on Her and remembered all that she had brought me through and OMG She did it again!
The situation I feared ended up becoming resolved and other pathways have been cleared for me. The Moon Mother is still taking care of me and my children and there is so much peace and joy in knowing that :-)
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
I'm Still Alive; Thoughts on Life, Peace, and My "First Harvest" This Year
Thursday, August 07, 2014
Pagan Blog Project Wk 2: A is for Adapting
Friday, January 10, 2014
I'm a Gemini/Taurus cusp. The Gemini side says that I'm supposed to be flexible to changes in life whereas my Taurus side digs its heels in. Probably because most of the time when things have changed, they've been changes that I haven't wanted. I stubbornly clung onto two toxic relationships, particularly the second one, because I didn't want to give up, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I could show that kind of fortitude but in a GOOD relationship, my stubbornness would be most fruitful.
However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.
But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.
Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.
My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.
I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.
When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.
However, my stubbornness, when change is inevitable, is a shot in the foot and it prevents me from learning to adapt. And not being able to adapt is something that can even get in the way of my spirituality. I'm struggling in my being able to adapt to my new surroundings. For the past 2 years, I was in my home element of Colorado. My beloved mountains of the Front Range greeted my eyes every day, lush grass in my favorite park caressed my feet when I'd take my children there to play. The shade of my favorite tree there embraced me in its coolness even on the hottest days. I'm a Colorado girl to the bone. My favorite trees are the Aspen, their leaves turn such a brilliant shade of gold in the gorgeous autumn season. I also loved the Maple tree that stood in front of my kids' old school and the vivid shades of red it would become.
But now, for the time being, I'm stuck in the desert. There's more saguaro than there are trees. There's only one house I can think of in this whole neighborhood that even has any grass. There are still mountains to see, but the ones close by are utterly bare save for the forests of saguaro that warn me that those mountains are not for my roaming pleasure.
Despite my efforts to see every bit of beauty in this place that I can, I'm homesick as hell. I don't feel any connection to this land, though I'm trying.
My difficulty in adapting to my new surroundings has caused me to struggle a bit more with depression which has, in turn, caused me to struggle with keeping up with my spiritual goals, such as drawing a Tarot card every day.
I don't intend to be stuck out here in the desert forever. But while I'm here, I think one of the lessons the Goddess wants me to learn is to be more adaptable to the changes in my life and to my surroundings. I need to find a way to establish a connection to the land here. Perhaps try to establish a friendship with the nature spirits like the ones I feel under the tree out front. I love that tree. There's a few more of its like in the back yard, but the one in front is the one I feel drawn to. It feels like, for lack of a better term, a sentinel. Like it's standing guard and watching over the place.
When we're so busy fighting against the things that have happened/are happening in our lives, we run the risk of missing the opportunities that these things may bring before us. Opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow. Opportunities to emerge as a better person, both mundanely and spiritually. A better Witch/Pagan/Druid/whatever else, depending on what our goals are. Change isn't always fun. It can be scary and painful, but it can also be exciting and joyous too. It is whatever we make it to be, we just have to be ready and willing to adapt.
Trying to Crawl Out of the Pit
Friday, November 15, 2013
I don't know how many of y'all keep up with the Facebook page. I haven't hardly updated it in the past few months, but there I still gave some idea as to what's been going on. There's still so many things that I don't know if I've got the energy to write about, but I'll do my best.
Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)
But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!
In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!
I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"
I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!
It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.
And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.
This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.
I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!
I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!
These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.
Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!
However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.
*deep breath*
Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)
Basically, life has crumbled around me. Since September 21 I have had to endure further heartbreak and homelessness. It's all a terribly long story and I hardly even know where to start. I had my heart broken by a guy that I was stupid enough to give my heart to. Druid and I lost our apartment toward the end of September and the kids and I stayed with my best friend and her (then) fiance (we'll call her Kitty and I'll just refer to him as Rat -- I know, I know. Mean and not very mature. Sue me) while Druid left to go live with some good friends of his in Florida. My situation lasted for about a month til they lost their apartment due to Rat not doing what he needed to do to find a job. Kitty went back up into the mountains with her folks, Rat went back to live with his family. The kids and I, however, have not had anyone else to lean on while I've struggled to get back on my feet. Since then, it's been a struggle to find places for the kids and I to stay. Currently we are living in a motel with the major help from my parents (bless them, they've helped me in so many ways, I don't know where I'd be without them!)
But change is on the horizon. I'm not going to go into details about that just yet. Suffice it to say that doors have been closing on me here and opening for me elsewhere. Cryptic, I know! ^_^ But I gotta keep y'all guessing somehow!
In the meantime, I've not been able to attend my Year and a Day classes. Greyhart was so understanding when I told him of my situation and told me to just let him know when things got more stable for me. Unfortunately, with this new direction that life has taken for me, I won't be able to go back to his classes period, which makes me very sad :-( But I am extremely grateful for the foundation that Greyhart has given me! I'm going to have to let him know soon that I won't be able to come back and to thank him profusely for all he has done. He's an extraordinary teacher!
I recently (as in last night) began reading a book by Deborah Lipp called "Merry Meet Again: Lessons, Life & Love on the Path of a Wiccan High Priestess"I'm only about maybe 50 pages in, but I'm gonna tell y'all right now: This woman is already my hero! Her journey started long before the conveniences that we Pagans today enjoy! We have social networking sites to be able to befriend other Pagans, we've got sites like Witchvox and Meetup to try and seek out other Pagans nearby as well as teachers, we've got a myriad of books to learn from! I admire how she first began to feel her way about, then she began to find other Pagans in a very painstaking process. I entirely admire her fortitude!
It's very inspiring to me as, admittedly, I still lack that kind of motivation. And, believe me, I want to be that motivated and driven and I know that it's a huge amount of effort. I'm going to need to be motivated like this to continue to learn and practice on my own. I want to be a Priestess too and I know that it's not going to happen without me actually going for it. A lot of things, actually, aren't going to happen for me if I don't bust my ass for it. I don't entirely know what holds me back, but I need to stop it.
And that's something that has actually been buzzing around my mind lately, especially when I looked at this blog for the first time in months yesterday. So many goals I've written about here, both of the spiritual nature as well as my writing desires. And yet, once again, life got hard and I disappeared down the rabbit hole. Much like Deborah did when her fiance passed away out of the blue (spoiler alert -- I'm sorry), I guess you could say I took a leave of absence. And I don't really have any excuse. I mean, sure, it's normal for people to need to recover a little when Life knocks them flat on their ass and it feels like it's not going to let them up. It's easy to give in to the pathological weariness that just makes it far too tempting to just stay down because it's too exhausting, for whatever reason, to try to get back up.
This is an area I am, admittedly, far too weak on. I am lazy. I get bogged down far too easily. Correction: I let myself get bogged down far too easily. And, really, it's a bad habit that I let develop back in 2006 when my battle with the Oklahoma DHS began. Before then, I was fairly regular about writing, for instance, but when that happened, my drive and love of writing just......crashed. I didn't care anymore and it became far too easy not to care. And the same happened with my spirituality. I mean, yes, I still read books and felt the desire to do things even before this happened, but I was very timid about trying these things on my own and always desired a teacher. However, after that shit happened with DHS, my overall "Give A Damn" was just broken. And, looking back, I can see that I never fully got it back. Oh, I get it in spurts, but it's still so easy to just lay down and die, so to speak, when life blows up and I know I need to stop that.
I do want that to stop. I really do. And I know it's up to me. It's up to me to find the will to keep writing even when I feel that the inspiration is gone because something else has gone ka-blooey. It's up to me to keep trudging at my spiritual growth even when life has kicked me down yet again. It's up to me to quit letting things in life keep me down and keep me away from the goals I most desire. And I do desire these goals, I really do!
I do want to be able to finish writing a novel and be able to have it published! I do desire so much to be a Priestess! I do want to be able to serve the Goddess in that manner and to be able to help people with it! Whether it's to help people learn or to help them find their paths, or whatever other kind of help I can be!
These things that are going to be changing in my life aren't going to make my quest to become a Priestess any easier. In fact, it's going to make it more difficult. I won't have a teacher anymore. I will have to study ardently and with the Taurean determination I know I'm capable of and carve out the time to practice on my own. Both Greyhart and J have said multiple times that I have the potential to be an amazing Witch (which made me blush profusely every time, lemme tell ya!) but also that it's fully up to me as to whether I reach my potential or not.
Because of Greyhart, I have a lot more confidence than I used to. I still lack the amount of confidence that he has said I'm capable of, but I know I can get there. I do. I know I can do these things and reach the heights that he believes me able to do. It's just a matter of repeatedly kicking myself in the ass to stop making excuses and stop whining and just do it!
However, talk is cheap. Especially coming from me on these things. I'm honest enough with myself to admit that it's all great to get fired up to do these things and write about the want-to. But it's all for naught if I don't actually DO it. And I do want to be a do-er.
*deep breath*
Well, how do you like THAT for my breaking the bloggy silence?! :-)
A New Beginning After Nearly a Decade of Waiting
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tonight begins my Year and a Day. In the month since the Paths & Traditions Fair, trying to correlate my schedule with that of Greyhart and my two classmates has been.....interesting as my schedule has had to be at the mercy of Druid's work schedule. I'm excited and nervous and anxious and....a lot of things. I know this isn't going to be easy, but should things work out that I accomplish this next year without anything fucking it up, it will be worth it. At the end of it, I'll have achieved my 1st Degree as a Priestess -- something I've wanted for quite a while.
I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this. Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far. Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me. I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.
Don't get me wrong: I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this. I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin. I hope so, anyway. I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class. Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy. And I'm ok with that. Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess. I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.
Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this. We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher. He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.
Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out. It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have. It's no one else's fault but mine. I didn't keep myself going the way I should have. It's hard for me to explain as to why that was. I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it). I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong. But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.
And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around. It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen. And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that. I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging. I'm a Gemini, people. I'm a flibbertigibbet. Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition. And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!). I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.
Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group. I wanted more formal training, basically. I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass. I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.
Does any of that make sense?
For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path. And I'm going to stick to it. But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment. I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.
*sigh* Things will be alright though. It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher. But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth. To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need. Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways. I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down. I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person. I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him. I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.
Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class. I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I gotta be honest though: my excitement is tempered a bit by the worry that something will screw me out of this. Honestly, it's been the story of my life thus far. Any time I've started something that I REALLY wanted to do, something has always screwed it up for me. I am DESPERATE to not have that happen with this, but part of me wonders if I should just refrain from getting too excited lest something DOES happen and then I'm even more crushed if it does.
Don't get me wrong: I know that this is not a good frame of mind. I know it's not constructive and that it's not doing anything good for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like everything will work out with this. I think I'll just feel better when I get to class tonight and things begin. I hope so, anyway. I hope that the Goddess grants me the courage to face whatever I'm met with in this class. Greyhart warned me that this is not going to be easy. And I'm ok with that. Easy doesn't make for a skilled or learned Priestess. I just want to do well and I want to accomplish my goals.
Another thing that's been tough is Druid's attitude over this. We got into a bit of a spat the other night over this and part of what came out sounded like some resentment over the fact that Druid is not my teacher. He started out as my teacher, but it just.....I don't know.
Mind you, I'm fully aware that I'm part of why that situation never worked out. It is true that when it was him teaching me, I did not stay on task as I should have. It's no one else's fault but mine. I didn't keep myself going the way I should have. It's hard for me to explain as to why that was. I know that part of it was that I just was not really meshing well with being strictly taught out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" (as so many of us affectionately call it). I mean, it's a good book, don't get me wrong. But there were some things that I just didn't mesh with.
And then, at the end of it there, things kinda got switched around. It ended up with me asking Druid when we'd continue and then it would just never happen. And, quite frankly, I need more structure than that. I also need to have a teacher who's willing to kick my ass into gear if I'm flagging. I'm a Gemini, people. I'm a flibbertigibbet. Geminis aren't generally known for sticking to something of their own volition. And this is where I need to learn to invoke my Taurean aspects (love being a cusp!). I know it's still more my responsibility to stick with things than it is for other people to have to crack the whip over my head.
Something else that made me decide that I wanted to be taught by someone else is the fact that I wanted to learn within a group. I wanted more formal training, basically. I wanted to truly earn my 1st Degree and be able to have others say that I really did earn it and that I wasn't talking out my ass. I wanted to be in a group so that I could be held more accountable.
Does any of that make sense?
For me, it feels like I've made the right choice in going down this path. And I'm going to stick to it. But still, it's not fun having to deal with Druid's resentment. I never meant anything personal and I've explained my reasons multiple times for wanting to achieve my Degrees this way, but he's made it pretty obvious that it's caused him a case of sour grapes.
*sigh* Things will be alright though. It was never meant as any slight against him or against him as a teacher. But I hope that he ultimately realizes that I have to do what feels right for me, especially in regards to my spiritual growth. To me, it feels like Greyhart will be teaching me exactly what I need. Druid is a wonderful teacher, but his path is different from mine in several ways. I need to be taught by someone who is living daily the path that I feel called down. I am a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of person. I just hope that Druid soon realizes that it's not about him. I hope he realizes, when he sees the progress I make, that I made the right decision for me and that it was never meant as an insult against him.
Anyway, I have to get packed up and head to my Paralegal class. I'll write about this first class later tonight and, hopefully, have it posted no later than tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Being Thankful Isn't Only For Thanksgiving
Thursday, January 17, 2013
One thing I have noticed for quite a while, especially over the past year, is how God and Goddess have been bringing us through difficult times. And I'm not talking difficult times like "Well, crap, I can't afford to do this and this frivolous thing." I mean difficult as in "How the hell are we going to afford this bill and the rent?"
As much as things have, overall, felt better since I got to come back home to Colorado, it has still been a far cry from easy. It'd be too long of a story to go into everything, but we've had a lot of moments where I've been flat-out ready to panic wondering how the hell we were going to get past the latest scrape. We managed to recently get past another one as we've been trying to get past this last financial hump before Druid starts pulling in regular paychecks again and our FAFSA arrives. We had no idea how we were going to pay our rent because of how the job situation has gone for the both of us recently. Hell, my mother and step-father had ended up helping us with our December rent. But when things did not go as anticipated to be able to cover January's, my Panic Button got set off once again.
Sometimes it's easier to keep faith than it is at other times. And I'm not going to lie: A good portion of our situation was brought on by choices that didn't turn out to be so savvy after all. Admitting to ourselves as such, I believe, was definitely part of beginning to get our act back together once again. When it became clear that our finances were not going to be able to hold as had been thought, I struggled to find a job. That job didn't go as well as hoped and I ended up having to try to find another one. That becomes unavoidable when that job decides that they're going to cut your hours down from 40 to, first 28, then 24, and then down to 16. That just wasn't going to work. Druid struggled to find work too and thought that taking on a paper route would be a good remedy to the situation.
It didn't work out that way, especially because the company that he worked for had blithering incompetencies that had me wondering how the hell they'd managed to stay in business for so long.
The long and short of it, however, is despite how much of a clusterfuck things have been, Druid has found a much more stable job working once again in security. He, being the better with money out of the two of us, has constructed a much more viable budget for our upcoming semester that I am confident that we can stick to and even be able to put money back into savings. Now all that's left is getting through this last bit of difficulty before we get the financial boost we've been waiting for.
As I said before, rent was the most frightening of the difficulties. However, we were able to get some one-time help from our local Human Services office (thank you, Goddess) and that gave us the leg-up we needed to be able to get by on that bill until February, which is when things will pick up. Now the only other bill we have to worry about is our electric bill. I have no idea how we're going to manage that one at this time, but all throughout this hardship, I have seen the signs that Goddess and God have not forgotten about us. I dare say they are hoping that we have learned our lessons from our mistakes. I think we have. And because we have been working so hard to remedy them, I believe it has made them even more willing to help us get through.
One thing I have striven to learn throughout all this is recognizing these blessings and signs and remembering to be thankful for them every day. Life may not be easy right now, but there is always something to be thankful for. There is always a sign that the Goddess and God are close by and that they haven't forsaken us.
For instance, yesterday I was feeling particularly discouraged about this last pain in the ass situation. I went to go check the mail and found that there was nothing there but a parcel slip that said I needed to go pick up the package at the apartment office. That immediately lifted my spirits up as I had a good feeling that I knew what it was.
On a previous entry, I'd mentioned some Pagan children's books that I'd been wanting to get as soon as I could afford to. Well, I'd gotten a comment from one of my readers who said that she had one of the books that I'd been wanting as well as a few others. That was a couple weeks ago and then I received the books yesterday! That was such a help as it immediately cheered me up to be able to look at these books! It also felt like a sign to me that we're not forgotten and that, even when things feel shitty, there's always something to find joy in and to be thankful for. Thank you so much for the books, Anne! I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate your giving them to me! Receiving the books yesterday absolutely made my day!
Something else I'm thankful for and excited about: After so many years of trying to find a group that I can learn with and obtain my degrees through, I believe I may have finally found that group. There was an event this past weekend called The Paths and Traditions Fair put on by a few local groups, particularly one called Cro Dreoilin. Its purpose was to bring potential students and potential teachers and groups together. It's not easy to find a group or coven to learn under or join. Even trying to use Witchvox doesn't always prove successful. So to have this opportunity was very exciting!
It was at the fair that I met Greyheart. He was there not overly hoping to find people he'd be willing to teach, but he'd felt that he should at least be there so there was the opportunity. As it was, aside from myself, he'd found a good 2 or 3 other potential students for his teaching group. I began talking to him after I'd talked to Chris and Kelly, who are the founders of the Cro Dreoilin Celtic Reconstructionist group. They were wonderfully nice, but I did not feel called to pursue their group further.
When I began talking with Greyheart and (awkwardly as hell) mentioned that I was there to try to find a group that I could learn with and obtain my degrees so that I could attain my goal of becoming a Priestess, he led me to his table, which had some altar items on it. "Look at the items on this table and tell me which of these tools is the most powerful."
As much as I stammered at first to construct my answer (you would not friggin' BELIEVE how shy and awkward I'd felt at the fair at first! LoL I was ready to put my head through a wall!), I finally answered "These tools are just an extension and even a focus point. The true power lies within the Witch his or herself."
That made Greyheart crack a smile. "I always ask potential students that one. If they can't answer that one, then I know that they're not really ready for what I would teach them." I'll admit, I felt like the kid who just got handed a gold star for that one. LoL! We talked for a long time and, during which, there were several other people who came up to talk to him and it was quite clear that he is a very well-known, well-respected, and well-liked in the Pagan community. I already liked him. I liked how straight-forward and no-nonsense he was. He didn't beat around the bush as he explained to me how he tends to work things and what he expects from his students and what he expects from himself as a teacher. One of the things I liked is that he doesn't just teach his students the "White magick" but also teaches them the darker things. And his explanation was a mirror of what I already believe, which I actually wrote about in my Pagan Blog Project post yesterday. He believes in his students learning to have a balance, to know their lighter as well as darker selves.
Overall, he warned me that this would not be easy and that there would be times where I will definitely have to reach outside of my comfort zone. I have no doubts of this and while I find myself with some trepidation as to what these things will be, I can already tell just by watching these other people interact with him (some of them being former students of his) that it will be for my own good that I might reach my fullest potential.
I think the only thing that really made me cringe inwardly was the mention of skyclad work. He brought that up on his own because his personal tradition stems from Gardnerian, but he assured me that his views on working skyclad is that only if it is absolutely necessary.
"I've not had it be necessary yet, but if it ever were to be, you all would be getting a heads up about it quite a while in advance and, just so you know, I've never had it be necessary yet."
Gods, I hope not. I can handle most anything, but the thought of having to work in a group skyclad pretty much makes me want to break out in a cold sweat. It has nothing to do with my personal body image (even though it's not a very good self image, I'll admit). I'm just a very modest person; modest enough that the thought of having to be naked around other people makes me VERY uncomfortable. I appreciate the fact that Paganism recognizes and celebrates the beauty of the human body, but still. I don't even work skyclad at home, even before I ever had kids.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanywho. I'm just going to hope that that never becomes an issue.
But, overall, I'm really excited for things to start! They won't be starting until next month, but I'm going to be counting the days! This will be my Year and a Day and, at the end of it, I have the option of being initiated as a Priestess in the First Degree. One thing that I liked is that every student has a different initiation ritual custom-made for them. I'm already told that it's not going to be an easy ritual. But I welcome it. So long as it does not involve anything shady, I'm good. I can deal with difficult. But I don't think I'll have to worry about anything unsavory.
Even as difficult as things have been, I have a strong feeling that they're going to get better and, so long as we continue to try to make good choices, they'll stay going well. In the meantime, I remember to be thankful every day for the good things we already have.
Yule-time Introspection
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Naturally, blogging sites all over teh interwebz on this day are drowning in posts about Yule or the fact that the world's still spinning alive and well and everything in between. Unfortunately, I'm going to be one of the few who doesn't have much to write about where Yule is concerned, per se. Not much of a Pagan nature anyway. We ended up having to miss the Yule Kids' Circle the other day, which sucks. That makes Samhain and Yule that we've missed but we should still be alright to make it to Imbolc.
Nevertheless, this is still a good Yule.
Just a few days ago marked the one year anniversary of my getting to come back home to Colorado, which is something that I'm still massively giddy about. After having been homesick for so long while languishing in Oklahoma, I'm still adoring the fact that I'm back in my beautiful home state and I still often gaze off to the west to admire the mountains. I just can't get enough of those mountains!
And the snow! It's come in a little late, but I've been as giddy as a schoolgirl over the snow -- which has most of my friends glaring at me as I squeal over the evil white stuff. Lulz!!!!
Even though Samhain is the Celtic New Year, I'm still used to Christmastime heralding the coming New Year and as such, it still provokes the want for introspection. This has definitely not been an easy year. As much happiness as I've had with getting to be back in Colorado, there's still been plenty of unhappiness to work through.
We started out living in a motel for the first couple of weeks, which was definitely not easy. Especially when all we started out with was what we could stuff into the car and, believe me, that made for a very long drive. After those first couple of weeks, we ran into a money snag where some so-called friends were concerned. They'd bought some items from us but they hadn't been able to pay everything up front. Still, considering the day we had to leave, we had no choice but to trust them in hopes that they'd not screw us over which, unfortunately, they did. Some family of mine helped us out for a week and then offered to let us move in with them for the time being.
Unfortunately, that fell through about a month later when we had a huge falling out and it was back to living in a motel. Thus followed several frustrating days of house-hunting but we found a great apartment that we moved into about 10 days after the incident with my family.
However, as great an improvement as that was, the whole incident set me back pretty badly on my college courses and I ended up being forced to withdraw from the Spring Semester. I ended up doing really well in the Summer Semester, but things pretty much bombed out in the Fall due to having to spend more time searching for a job and working said job. However, even that job, a fast food job, did not work out because around a month after I started, the company started drastically cutting hours. Fast food work isn't much to live off of as it is; I was barely making it even off of full-time hours (and believe me, I was volunteering to work all over the place even more than my scheduled hours). But getting cut down to 24 hours a week and less was just impossible. This forced me to look for a job elsewhere (and I found one) but it still isn't enough to manage the finances by itself, so Druid got out to get a job. Unfortunately, his hasn't panned out either so he's also looking for another job.
Other areas that have been difficult have been areas dealing with depression as well as spirituality. As I've stated before, my level of practice is still in the Beginner range and I've not really had the resources to progress further. Plus, it is my desire to achieve Priestesshood, but I've not been able to find a coven that I can learn with. So, there's the fact that I'm going to have to try to get to those levels on my own for the time being and learn to discipline myself to do so. In the meantime, because learning how to raise my children in the Craft is especially important to me, we've found a local Kids Circle (as earlier mentioned) that we can take the kiddos to when the Sabbats come around and it is wonderful! But still, it doesn't fully take the place of having a family group to belong to.
But I also know that there's still things I can do with my kids and my family as our own little group, so believe me, no one needs to tell me that if I wait until I can find a group, I'm losing out on time that we can do things on our own. And that is something I definitely want to work on.
As for depression, that's something I've struggled with most of my life but I didn't really know it until I was about 19 or 20 when my mother pointed it out to me. Most times I do just fine. I don't take medication, though there are times I really wish I could afford the damn pills. I can't afford counseling or therapy. As much as I try, there are still times where I end up going down a spiral and earlier this past summer I had my worst spiral in years. It was something that reminded me that depression isn't just something spawned by bad circumstances. At the time this spiral happened, things were fine. It was like having a month-long PMS trip, so I know it had to do with my hormones going all blitzed.
After I'd managed to get over the worst of it, I did a full moon ritual and asked for Brighid's help. I asked Her to help me to heal from a lot of things that I recognized I'd been holding onto. Even if those things don't cause a depression spiral, they can sure as hell make it worse. Ever since I reached out to Brighid, I have been feeling Her so much in my life since then.
No, things aren't perfect and there are still days I don't handle stressful things the best, but She's helped me so much to work through and let go of those things as well as to recognize and be more aware of the good things around me. She's helped me to remember to be thankful for all the good and to focus on that more than the not-so-good.
All-in-all, I think the lesson for me this year was learning to be thankful and to let go of the bitterness that I've been carrying around for I don't know how many years. There's just been so much bad junk that's happened over the past several years that has been hard for me to get over. I think that my getting to come back home to Colorado put me in a better frame to finally begin to work through this bad junk and finally let it go. It's much easier to do when you're in a more healthy environment rather than being stuck in a place that feels like a black hole. I don't mean that in any offense to anyone who lives in Oklahoma or is from there and actually likes it there. But for me, that place was a black hole and I had more misery there than good.
Thank you, Goddess and God, that I've gotten to be home! Thank you for continually bringing us through the hard times and thank you that, even though we can't really afford to have Christmas this year, thank you for the fact that we're still getting to have Christmas in our awesome apartment! It's definitely a step-up from spending Christmas at a motel.
So what has this year been for you? What lessons have you faced and learned? What are you thankful for? What's better this year for you than last year?
Happy Yule, everyone and a Blessed Solstice!
Nevertheless, this is still a good Yule.
Just a few days ago marked the one year anniversary of my getting to come back home to Colorado, which is something that I'm still massively giddy about. After having been homesick for so long while languishing in Oklahoma, I'm still adoring the fact that I'm back in my beautiful home state and I still often gaze off to the west to admire the mountains. I just can't get enough of those mountains!
And the snow! It's come in a little late, but I've been as giddy as a schoolgirl over the snow -- which has most of my friends glaring at me as I squeal over the evil white stuff. Lulz!!!!
Even though Samhain is the Celtic New Year, I'm still used to Christmastime heralding the coming New Year and as such, it still provokes the want for introspection. This has definitely not been an easy year. As much happiness as I've had with getting to be back in Colorado, there's still been plenty of unhappiness to work through.
We started out living in a motel for the first couple of weeks, which was definitely not easy. Especially when all we started out with was what we could stuff into the car and, believe me, that made for a very long drive. After those first couple of weeks, we ran into a money snag where some so-called friends were concerned. They'd bought some items from us but they hadn't been able to pay everything up front. Still, considering the day we had to leave, we had no choice but to trust them in hopes that they'd not screw us over which, unfortunately, they did. Some family of mine helped us out for a week and then offered to let us move in with them for the time being.
Unfortunately, that fell through about a month later when we had a huge falling out and it was back to living in a motel. Thus followed several frustrating days of house-hunting but we found a great apartment that we moved into about 10 days after the incident with my family.
However, as great an improvement as that was, the whole incident set me back pretty badly on my college courses and I ended up being forced to withdraw from the Spring Semester. I ended up doing really well in the Summer Semester, but things pretty much bombed out in the Fall due to having to spend more time searching for a job and working said job. However, even that job, a fast food job, did not work out because around a month after I started, the company started drastically cutting hours. Fast food work isn't much to live off of as it is; I was barely making it even off of full-time hours (and believe me, I was volunteering to work all over the place even more than my scheduled hours). But getting cut down to 24 hours a week and less was just impossible. This forced me to look for a job elsewhere (and I found one) but it still isn't enough to manage the finances by itself, so Druid got out to get a job. Unfortunately, his hasn't panned out either so he's also looking for another job.
Other areas that have been difficult have been areas dealing with depression as well as spirituality. As I've stated before, my level of practice is still in the Beginner range and I've not really had the resources to progress further. Plus, it is my desire to achieve Priestesshood, but I've not been able to find a coven that I can learn with. So, there's the fact that I'm going to have to try to get to those levels on my own for the time being and learn to discipline myself to do so. In the meantime, because learning how to raise my children in the Craft is especially important to me, we've found a local Kids Circle (as earlier mentioned) that we can take the kiddos to when the Sabbats come around and it is wonderful! But still, it doesn't fully take the place of having a family group to belong to.
But I also know that there's still things I can do with my kids and my family as our own little group, so believe me, no one needs to tell me that if I wait until I can find a group, I'm losing out on time that we can do things on our own. And that is something I definitely want to work on.
As for depression, that's something I've struggled with most of my life but I didn't really know it until I was about 19 or 20 when my mother pointed it out to me. Most times I do just fine. I don't take medication, though there are times I really wish I could afford the damn pills. I can't afford counseling or therapy. As much as I try, there are still times where I end up going down a spiral and earlier this past summer I had my worst spiral in years. It was something that reminded me that depression isn't just something spawned by bad circumstances. At the time this spiral happened, things were fine. It was like having a month-long PMS trip, so I know it had to do with my hormones going all blitzed.
After I'd managed to get over the worst of it, I did a full moon ritual and asked for Brighid's help. I asked Her to help me to heal from a lot of things that I recognized I'd been holding onto. Even if those things don't cause a depression spiral, they can sure as hell make it worse. Ever since I reached out to Brighid, I have been feeling Her so much in my life since then.
No, things aren't perfect and there are still days I don't handle stressful things the best, but She's helped me so much to work through and let go of those things as well as to recognize and be more aware of the good things around me. She's helped me to remember to be thankful for all the good and to focus on that more than the not-so-good.
All-in-all, I think the lesson for me this year was learning to be thankful and to let go of the bitterness that I've been carrying around for I don't know how many years. There's just been so much bad junk that's happened over the past several years that has been hard for me to get over. I think that my getting to come back home to Colorado put me in a better frame to finally begin to work through this bad junk and finally let it go. It's much easier to do when you're in a more healthy environment rather than being stuck in a place that feels like a black hole. I don't mean that in any offense to anyone who lives in Oklahoma or is from there and actually likes it there. But for me, that place was a black hole and I had more misery there than good.Thank you, Goddess and God, that I've gotten to be home! Thank you for continually bringing us through the hard times and thank you that, even though we can't really afford to have Christmas this year, thank you for the fact that we're still getting to have Christmas in our awesome apartment! It's definitely a step-up from spending Christmas at a motel.
So what has this year been for you? What lessons have you faced and learned? What are you thankful for? What's better this year for you than last year?
Happy Yule, everyone and a Blessed Solstice!
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