I wrote this on one of my more private journals. I'm honestly kind of afraid to post this here, but being that I'm not the only one to have written about this topic, it kind of helps. Just please, bear with me and if this is a topic that makes you roll your eyes with scorn, then move on, ok?
Facing Myself
It's not so much the "facing myself" that I have a problem with, per se. But, really, when I manage to come down to it, it's still gonna fall right into that category. It's not that I'm afraid to face myself. It's more that, I'm not entirely sure how to. Oh, I know the basic things about myself. My age, my spiritual beliefs, my dedication to the Goddess Brighid. I also know about my being a Therian (grey timberwolf). It's just the whole my being an Elf that I find my issue.
Let me start from the beginning.
I've been a Pagan for going on 10 years. I'm more book-learned than practice-learned, but that is currently being remedied as I was finally able to start my Year and a Day classes a few weeks ago. I love my spirituality. After growing up in closed-minded Christianity, I have practically made myself dizzy with wonderment at the whole new world that Paganism has brought to me - all the possibilities that Christianity just spits down and lobs off as being "impossible". However, it's remarkable to see just how many Pagans are totally closed-minded to the topic I'm about to cover:
In 2008, I discovered Therianthropy. The more I explored and learned about it (my main hangout was Werespace), the more it fit that I am a Therian. It was just a bunch of stuff from childhood that I'd always done as I was growing up without even thinking about it. Mannerisms and what not. But even before I knew of Therianthropy, I knew I had a connection with wolves. And even before that, I felt a connection with Elves.
Now, I wish that my discovering that connection wouldn't sound so damn poser-ific, but I'm sure it's going to sound that way to somebody. But at the same time, I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that "AH-HA!!" through this medium. I grew up with the set of "The Lord of the Rings" on my parents' bookshelf. I knew what a Hobbit was and all that good stuff, but I never really got into it until 2001 when the first "Lord of the Rings" movie came out. OMG, that movie was pure MAGICK to me! But not just because of the movie itself. It struck something within me. A sort of longing like one gets when they're being shown pictures of Home and they feel homesick. I don't know how else to put it.
Now, this was not a feeling I knew how to identify. At best, I looked at it as my "favorite pretend", I guess. I don't know how else to put it.
It's almost like when you're on the verge of a revelation about yourself but, at the same time, you're just not quite ready for the full-on truth. Does that make any sense? It's like when you're trying to answer a question that requires some thought and your teacher is looking for a particular answer from you and you are JUST SO CLOSE to it, but not quite.
This connection and longing flared strong for a few years. I even had a name occur to me and I went by that name for quite a while, but I'm not going to talk about it here. I don't really feel safe in doing so.
After a period of a few years, it got put on the backburner. After all, there wasn't much I could really do with that connection at the time.
Now, before I move on, no, I am not Otaku-kin. I don't think myself a Tolkien Elf. I'm not that silly. But I do think that the way they were portrayed in the movie was VERY close to what I feel that I am and, therefore, was close enough to strike such a cord within me.
Now, fast-forward to 2009. I was already quite familiar by then with Therians and Otherkin, but even after hearing about people who believed themselves to be Elf-kind, I was still getting used to being a Wolf. Does that make any sense? I was still processing the knowledge that I'm a Wolf, always have been, and I was still reveling in it. It's funny, though, what things can bring that all back, isn't it? And it was still something LOTR-related, but it was footage from the LOTR movies set in a fan-made music video that brought back that revelation for me. The "AH-HA!!!" moment of that connection I once had felt but had gotten buried. I guess this time I was more ready for it. But it still sent chills down my spine.
I was watching, as I said, a fan-made music video to "While Your Lips Are Still Red" by Nightwish, which I had just gotten introduced to by one of my best friends (who also happens to be Fey-kin ^_^).
.
I can't really tell you WHY this video triggered me, but it did. And when it brought back all the feelings of connection, the magick, that I'd had several years previously, it just sort of slammed into me all at once: I am an Elf. I'm not just a Wolf, but I'm also an Elf. And in many ways, the Elf feels even more my true form than the Wolf does. The Wolf feels more like a secondary form that I had later, but I originated as an Elf
Still, I felt far more comfortable in embracing my Wolf persona than I did the Elf. I can't really explain why. It just felt like I needed to keep that aspect of myself far more closer to the vest than I did my Wolf self. Unfortunately, when I discovered my being a Therian, I was pretty feckin' careless about who I blurted it to and where I talked about it and my ex got wind of it and tried to threaten that as a means to try to win my children in the custody battle (which hasn't even happened yet). He threatened to tell the courts that I'm some crazy lady who believes that she actually turns into a Wolf. Ugh. That all is a HUGELY long story and not one that I overly feel like going into.
So I learned the hard way that ya just don't go blathering this out willy-nilly, which is a huge reason I'm kind of scared to talk about it in my public blog. Also, somehow, the full-on realization that I am an Elf just felt like it was very important to be far more scrupulous as to where I tell it and to whom. Honestly, I hardly even bring this up in Otherkin boards or anything. Part of it, I think, is that I don't want to leave it open for anyone to just write me off as just thinking this way because "Oh, you've just played too much D&D" or, of course "You just think this because you're a Lord of the Rings nerd!" Honestly? I think part of the reason I became a Lord of the Rings nerd is BECAUSE of that connection it awoke within me.
I don't know. I just know that I don't need that kind of negative bullshit. I know what I am, and that's good enough for me.
However, where my Elven side is concerned, my problem is finding more ways to CONNECT to that. I can't just keep using LOTR as a crutch because I know it's not entirely accurate where my Elven origins are concerned. I mean, I love that it establishes some sort of connection, but I want to know more about where I originate from. I know some Elves and Fey who have developed such a strong connection to those aspects of themselves that they even make repeated journeys to their respective Realms.
I have one friend who is Sidhe and who is CONSTANTLY blogging about her ventures to the Fey Realms that she calls home. Now, the more logical mind would write that off as just being some pretty vivid imaginings and what not. Hell, I'll be honest, it was pretty difficult for me to grasp sometimes without just thinking her highly imaginitive and just trying to wow her fans with it. And yet, her stories of the Fey Realms sound true. When you let go of the human mind's restrictions and allow yourself to realize that the worlds of the Fey and the Elves and all other "mythological" creatures are not bound by the same laws and inhibitions that the human world is, then hearing of what goes on over there doesn't seem quite so "O.O WTF????" LoL
And, as it is, a new acquaintance of mine who is also an Elf (who also writes for the Pagan Blog Project) has spoken recently on her journal of journeying to Otherworld, as she calls her Elven home. Having heard, now, two different people who don't even know each other talk of such things, that makes me realize even more that it's entirely possible.
But I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea how to broaden my connection to my Elven self so that I can learn more about who I am as such. I've only got faint pictures. Perhaps a vague picture as to what I looked like as an Elf. I see long black hair, for one thing. I think my eyes were either brown or maybe even purple, but part of me doesn't dare to try to seek further than that right now because it just feels like I'm grabbing at straws.
Um.......I know that there are many different races of Elves, but I feel like the kind I belong to aren't terribly different than what's spoken of in Celtic lore. As in, I feel like my kind were neighbors of the Fey of Celtic lore. I dunno. It's what I feel, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am correct.
I can feel that, as an Elf, I felt most at home in mountains and forests and also loved the ocean, which is something that I've carried with me into this life. When I go to any of these places, I feel like I've come home. It feels like the kind of home-coming one feels when they've been away for years. It's been years since I've gotten to see the ocean and I miss it terribly, but it's not so bad since I've gotten to come home to Colorado. Her woods have a particular magick to me that I haven't yet felt anywhere else.
Certain forests call to me more than others, if that makes any sense. Certain forests heal me and invigorate me more than others. I don't know how to explain it.
Like, this past Autumn, Druid and I took the kids up into the mountains after we picked them up from school. We went up into the Rocky Mountains National Forest and found a campground to park at and we meandered the woods for about an hour. I'd been going through a lot of stress at that time and I needed a release. When we got up into the campground and went up into the woods, OMG I felt such a rejuvination that I can't even describe! It's the same sense of magick I feel whenever I listen to Jenna Greene's "The Chapel of the Wood" (click the link to hear the song).
As time has gone by since that full realization back in 2009, I buried it back down but not quite so deeply. It's never been forgotten, it's just remained unexplored. But now I'm feeling that thirst to explore it more and to finally start solving this puzzle about myself. It's so hard, it seems to me, to do that because, unlike how it is with my being a Wolf, I don't really have anything in this world that I can grab onto to try to further that connection. I don't really have any books I can read, for instance, about Elves. Not that I know of, anyway. I honestly don't even know where to start. And I don't really know any other Elves I can talk to about this. I just became acquainted with one through the Pagan Blog Project, whom I mentioned earlier. But she seriously is the only other Elf I know of. It's far easier for me to find other Wolves to converse with than it is to find other Elves LoL Ironic. My Theriotype is one of the most common, but my Kin-type doesn't seem to be. I've found more Dragons, Demons, and Vampires in the Otherkin community than I have found Elves.
Anyway, that's about all I can think of to get off my chest for now. I've been avoiding this for a while, but I do feel better now that I've finally gotten around to writing about this.
