Strength to Be Admired, Not Mocked

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Sometimes you have to take steps back before you can go forward

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Alllllllllllllllrighty.   It's been close to a month since I last made a post.  >.<   I'm at the point where I have no idea where to start to try to tell about everything that's gone on.  Hell, I've got a draft post that I still need to finish to tell what's been going on with my Year and a Day class.  Yet, that one's been stuck in my Drafts folder for how long?  Psh!  Almost a month!

Things have been crazier than usual.  One of the biggest things I've been dealing with is being sick.  I caught the crud from my kiddoes and it has been kicking my butt all over the place.  I finally went to be seen at the ER last night because I wanted to be sure it wasn't turning into something serious (my biggest worry was pneumonia).  Thankfully, I just have a respiratory infection which the Z-pack I was prescribed should have it taken care of in no time.  ^_^

The other big thing (aside from trying to get caught up on schoolwork) is that Druid and I have, basically, broken up for the time being.  We have had a lot of residual things, resentments, building up against each other.  We had a huge blow-out about a week & 1/2 ago (give or take) and, once we finally started talking constructively together, Druid suggested that we just live as friends/roommates for the time being and to try to work our issues out that way -- try to rebuild a friendship between us and work our problems out under that much more relaxed atmosphere since we just didn't seem to know how to work out our problems as a couple.

*sigh*  Sooooooooooo, yeah.  I think Druid's idea was a good one.  I think it will do us a lot of good to take this step back and to just chill, but there are things even then that make my heart ache.  But I'm not going to get into all that on here.  Not yet, anyway.

I've missed a couple Year and a Day classes because of being sick and there's not going to be any class tomorrow (thank gods) because Greyhart's got something else going on.  I say "thank gods" because that'll give me some more time to recoup before the next class so that I shouldn't be a coughing fit mess like I was at the last class I attended.

I have been LOVING the classes!  It's been a long time since I've written anything about them and I'm sorry for that, but they have been awesome!  Greyhart is a kickass teacher who doesn't shy away at pushing us to break through our comfort zones.  At the last class I attended, we were still playing around with energy and what not (casting circle and what not).   I had comfort zone issues with being put on the spot (no shocker there).  It wasn't so bad when I was just casting a regular circle.  In fact, I got compliments on the last one I cast, which thrilled the hell out of me!  My first one was quite weak because I wasn't drawing in from the energy around me and, instead, was just trying to use my personal power, which was meager at best because of being sick.  My second one was better, but my last one was a lot more like what it should be.

However, he also showed us how to make circles that would move with us and that is where I pretty much blithered out from being so self-conscious.  The circle I cast was good, but then I pretty much shut down after that.  Greyhart, though, was very patient and didn't let me off the spot until I got over myself enough to relax and follow his instructions.   I hope that I'll be in much better shape when the next class comes around.

All, in all, that's a little nutshell of all that's been going on.  Any prayers and positive energy that y'all would be willing to send for Druid and I in hopes that we'll be able to patch things up to a more healthy level would be much appreciated!

)O( Morgaine )O(

Falling Off the Wagon

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Wow.  I am MASSIVELY behind on the PBP!  D:   I was worried that I would lose steam like this.  I have had so much going on, though.  I'm currently on Spring Break, so I am hoping to be able to catch up this week.  However, I can make no promises since, as I mentioned on the Facebook page, I have homework I have to get caught up on, a paper that I need to get started for my Paralegal class, we have to get started with boxing things up for our move, and I managed to catch the crud from my kiddos.  >.<    So, I will do my best, but I can't make any promises.

One post at a time, I guess.   I'm also behind on blogging about how things have been going in my Year and a Day class, which I ended up missing yesterday because of being sick.   Yeesh!  And have you any idea how long it's been since I made any posts for the 44 Days of Witchery?

Can you say "slacker"?   LoL

PBP Wk 10: E is for Elf Otherkin

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I wrote this on one of my more private journals.  I'm honestly kind of afraid to post this here, but being that I'm not the only one to have written about this topic, it kind of helps.  Just please, bear with me and if this is a topic that makes you roll your eyes with scorn, then move on, ok?

Facing Myself

It's not so much the "facing myself" that I have a problem with, per se.  But, really, when I manage to come down to it, it's still gonna fall right into that category.  It's not that I'm afraid to face myself.  It's more that, I'm not entirely sure how to.  Oh, I know the basic things about myself.  My age, my spiritual beliefs, my dedication to the Goddess Brighid.  I also know about my being a Therian (grey timberwolf).  It's just the whole my being an Elf that I find my issue.

Let me start from the beginning.

I've been a Pagan for going on 10 years.  I'm more book-learned than practice-learned, but that is currently being remedied as I was finally able to start my Year and a Day classes a few weeks ago.  I love my spirituality.  After growing up in closed-minded Christianity, I have practically made myself dizzy with wonderment at the whole new world that Paganism has brought to me - all the possibilities that Christianity just spits down and lobs off as being "impossible".  However, it's remarkable to see just how many Pagans are totally closed-minded to the topic I'm about to cover:

In 2008, I discovered Therianthropy.  The more I explored and learned about it (my main hangout was Werespace), the more it fit that I am a Therian.  It was just a bunch of stuff from childhood that I'd always done as I was growing up without even thinking about it.  Mannerisms and what not.   But even before I knew of Therianthropy, I knew I had a connection with wolves.  And even before that, I felt a connection with Elves.

Now, I wish that my discovering that connection wouldn't sound so damn poser-ific, but I'm sure it's going to sound that way to somebody.  But at the same time, I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that "AH-HA!!" through this medium.    I grew up with the set of "The Lord of the Rings" on my parents' bookshelf.  I knew what a Hobbit was and all that good stuff, but I never really got into it until 2001 when the first "Lord of the Rings" movie came out.   OMG, that movie was pure MAGICK to me!  But not just because of the movie itself.  It struck something within me.  A sort of longing like one gets when they're being shown pictures of Home and they feel homesick.  I don't know how else to put it.  

Now, this was not a feeling I knew how to identify.  At best, I looked at it as my "favorite pretend", I guess.   I don't know how else to put it. 

It's almost like when you're on the verge of a revelation about yourself but, at the same time, you're just not quite ready for the full-on truth.  Does that make any sense?    It's like when you're trying to answer a question that requires some thought and your teacher is looking for a particular answer from you and you are JUST SO CLOSE to it, but not quite. 

This connection and longing flared strong for a few years. I even had a name occur to me and I went by that name for quite a while, but I'm not going to talk about it here.  I don't really feel safe in doing so.

After a period of a few years, it got put on the backburner.  After all, there wasn't much I could really do with that connection at the time.

Now, before I move on, no, I am not Otaku-kin.  I don't think myself a Tolkien Elf.   I'm not that silly.  But I do think that the way they were portrayed in the movie was VERY close to what I feel that I am and, therefore, was close enough to strike such a cord within me.

Now, fast-forward to 2009.   I was already quite familiar by then with Therians and Otherkin, but even after hearing about people who believed themselves to be Elf-kind, I was still getting used to being a Wolf.  Does that make any sense?  I was still processing the knowledge that I'm a Wolf, always have been, and I was still reveling in it.   It's funny, though, what things can bring that all back, isn't it?  And it was still something LOTR-related, but it was footage from the LOTR movies set in a fan-made music video that brought back that revelation for me.  The "AH-HA!!!" moment of that connection I once had felt but had gotten buried.  I guess this time I was more ready for it.  But it still sent chills down my spine.

I was watching, as I said, a fan-made music video to "While Your Lips Are Still Red" by Nightwish, which I had just gotten introduced to by one of my best friends (who also happens to be Fey-kin  ^_^). 

.

I can't really tell you WHY this video triggered me, but it did. And when it brought back all the feelings of connection, the magick, that I'd had several years previously, it just sort of slammed into me all at once: I am an Elf. I'm not just a Wolf, but I'm also an Elf. And in many ways, the Elf feels even more my true form than the Wolf does. The Wolf feels more like a secondary form that I had later, but I originated as an Elf

Still, I felt far more comfortable in embracing my Wolf persona than I did the Elf.  I can't really explain why.  It just felt like I needed to keep that aspect of myself far more closer to the vest than I did my Wolf self.  Unfortunately, when I discovered my being a Therian, I was pretty feckin' careless about who I blurted it to and where I talked about it and my ex got wind of it and tried to threaten that as a means to try to win my children in the custody battle (which hasn't even happened yet). He threatened to tell the courts that I'm some crazy lady who believes that she actually turns into a Wolf. Ugh.  That all is a HUGELY long story and not one that I overly feel like going into. 

So I learned the hard way that ya just don't go blathering this out willy-nilly, which is a huge reason I'm kind of scared to talk about it in my public blog.  Also, somehow, the full-on realization that I am an Elf just felt like it was very important to be far more scrupulous as to where I tell it and to whom.  Honestly, I hardly even bring this up in Otherkin boards or anything.  Part of it, I think, is that I don't want to leave it open for anyone to just write me off as just thinking this way because "Oh, you've just played too much D&D" or, of course "You just think this because you're a Lord of the Rings nerd!"    Honestly?  I think part of the reason I became a Lord of the Rings nerd is BECAUSE of that connection it awoke within me.

I don't know.  I just know that I don't need that kind of negative bullshit.  I know what I am, and that's good enough for me.

However, where my Elven side is concerned, my problem is finding more ways to CONNECT to that.  I can't just keep using LOTR as a crutch because I know it's not entirely accurate where my Elven origins are concerned.  I mean, I love that it establishes some sort of connection, but I want to know more about where I originate from.  I know some Elves and Fey who have developed such a strong connection to those aspects of themselves that they even make repeated journeys to their respective Realms.  

I have one friend who is Sidhe and who is CONSTANTLY blogging about her ventures to the Fey Realms that she calls home.  Now, the more logical mind would write that off as just being some pretty vivid imaginings and what not.  Hell, I'll be honest, it was pretty difficult for me to grasp sometimes without just thinking her highly imaginitive and just trying to wow her fans with it.  And yet, her stories of the Fey Realms sound true.  When you let go of the human mind's restrictions and allow yourself to realize that the worlds of the Fey and the Elves and all other "mythological" creatures are not bound by the same laws and inhibitions that the human world is, then hearing of what goes on over there doesn't seem quite so "O.O  WTF????"   LoL

And, as it is, a new acquaintance of mine who is also an Elf (who also writes for the Pagan Blog Project) has spoken recently on her journal of journeying to Otherworld, as she calls her Elven home.  Having heard, now, two different people who don't even know each other talk of such things, that makes me realize even more that it's entirely possible.

But I have no idea how to do that.  I have no idea how to broaden my connection to my Elven self so that I can learn more about who I am as such.  I've only got faint pictures.  Perhaps a vague picture as to what I looked like as an Elf.  I see long black hair, for one thing.  I think my eyes were either brown or maybe even purple, but part of me doesn't dare to try to seek further than that right now because it just feels like I'm grabbing at straws.

Um.......I know that there are many different races of Elves, but I feel like the kind I belong to aren't terribly different than what's spoken of in Celtic lore.  As in, I feel like my kind were neighbors of the Fey of Celtic lore.  I dunno.  It's what I feel, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am correct.

I can feel that, as an Elf, I felt most at home in mountains and forests and also loved the ocean, which is something that I've carried with me into this life.  When I go to any of these places, I feel like I've come home.  It feels like the kind of home-coming one feels when they've been away for years.  It's been years since I've gotten to see the ocean and I miss it terribly, but it's not so bad since I've gotten to come home to Colorado.  Her woods have a particular magick to me that I haven't yet felt anywhere else.

Certain forests call to me more than others, if that makes any sense.  Certain forests heal me and invigorate me more than others.  I don't know how to explain it.

Like, this past Autumn, Druid and I took the kids up into the mountains after we picked them up from school.  We went up into the Rocky Mountains National Forest and found a campground to park at and we meandered the woods for about an hour.  I'd been going through a lot of stress at that time and I needed a release.  When we got up into the campground and went up into the woods, OMG I felt such a rejuvination that I can't even describe!  It's the same sense of magick I feel whenever I listen to Jenna Greene's  "The Chapel of the Wood" (click the link to hear the song).

As time has gone by since that full realization back in 2009, I buried it back down but not quite so deeply.  It's never been forgotten, it's just remained unexplored.  But now I'm feeling that thirst to explore it more and to finally start solving this puzzle about myself.  It's so hard, it seems to me, to do that because, unlike how it is with my being a Wolf, I don't really have anything in this world that I can grab onto to try to further that connection.  I don't really have any books I can read, for instance, about Elves.  Not that I know of, anyway.  I honestly don't even know where to start.  And I don't really know any other Elves I can talk to about this.    I just became acquainted with one through the Pagan Blog Project, whom I mentioned earlier.  But she seriously is the only other Elf I know of.  It's far easier for me to find other Wolves to converse with than it is to find other Elves  LoL   Ironic.  My Theriotype is one of the most common, but my Kin-type doesn't seem to be.  I've found more Dragons, Demons, and Vampires in the Otherkin community than I have found Elves.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of to get off my chest for now.  I've been avoiding this for a while, but I do feel better now that I've finally gotten around to writing about this.

Year and a Day: Week 3

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Ok, I'm hoping that this is not going to become the habit (writing about the previous class the day before the next one).  Last week was pretty easy-going.  Greyhart discussed with us Craft Names as well as Books of Shadows.  There's not much new that I can say about Craft Names seeing as how I'd already discussed that for the Pagan Blog Project, but I have yet to get into the topic of keeping a Book of Shadows, so there you go.   One thing I did learn was how Greyhart came by his Craft Name but....I don't think I'm comfortable talking about that on here.  For one thing, it's not my story to tell (obviously) and for another, I don't want to blurt something like that only to learn from him later that I should have asked his permission first.

Anywho, moving on to the BOS topic:

It's quite a familiar topic, but keeping a BOS is something I've never been good at.  If I use a regular bound journal, I have to write everything chronologically and hope that I can remember where it was that I wrote what.  If I kept a physical binder, I think I would like that option the most out of the touchable options.  I like the idea of being able to organize things to my liking with tabs to tell me what section I can find which topic.  However, I don't have anything right now that I can use for a binder BOS.

Another option, of course, is the keeping of a BOS on the computer.  There are many different options for that.  One could use a blogging site such as this one or even LiveJournal.  Even though things are still written chronologically, one has the use of Tags to keep track of different entries, which is definitely something I like.  If one doesn't want to use a website that, of course, relies on an internet connection (what if you lose internet at home or something?), one could make use of a desktop diary software such as Chrysanth.  However, my current favorite option for keeping a BOS on the computer is using Microsoft OneNote.   If you happen to have the Microsoft Office suite and you have OneNote, I HIGHLY recommend using that.

This was something that J and I suggested to Greyhart, who perked up with interest as we described its vast options for use.


I started a BOS on OneNote several months ago, but I haven't filled it out very much.    Here's a glimpse of part of my OneNote BOS:

I've got tabs for Correspondences (such as the Sunday Correspondences partially pictured above), Sabbats, Esbats, Chants and Songs, Rituals, Spells, Magickal Journal, and Herbs.

On the Correspondences tab, you can see that I've got Pages for each day of the week.  Thus far, I've only gotten Sunday done, but I'm about to start working on the rest of them.  The info I've been getting for the Correspondences section comes from Ellen Dugan's book,  "Book of Witchery".

So, that's about all for now.  I think I may start a BOS LJ to store info that I gather on my Microsoft OneNote BOS.  And, of course, this blog is also part of my BOS.   For now, I think I'm going to flesh out my OneNote BOS.

PBP Wk. 9: E is for Endings

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Madison and her mother, Natalie
RIP, Maddie

For some reason, the Pagan Blog Project site has not been updated with the topic ideas for this first week of the E's.   But Endings are something that is very Pagan-related.  Hell, that's not even accurate.  Endings relate to us all.  However, it is our attitudes about them that make the difference.

What endings am I talking about?  Death.  And this is a topic that weighs heavily on my heart today.  I follow Kallan Kennedy's blog The Secret Life of the American Working Witch.  For those who don't follow her, Ms. Kallan has been keeping people updated as to the health condition of a little girl named Madison, asking people to send her healing.  Madison fell ill quite suddenly a few days ago.  She basically went from being this feisty, vivacious 3-year-old to being lethargic and then unresponsive.  Maddie slipped into a coma and was in critical condition.  At one point she almost died, but that brave little girl clung to life as long as she could.

The doctors had treatments in mind for the cancer she was diagnosed with, but they had to do a brain scan on her first.  The brain scan revealed, tragically, that Maddie was "brain dead".  For those unfamiliar with the term, it basically means that there is no electrical activity in the brain that shows any life.  The body is still living but only because the machines are keeping it so.  Maddie was taken off of life support earlier today and released to the Summerlands.

I had been trying to keep up with the updates on Maddie, but life has been completely chaotic over the past couple of days.  I only found out about Maddie about an hour ago.  I'm sitting here in my college library as I write this and I'm not going to lie:  when I found out of Maddie's passing and read the words of her mother that Kallan had posted on her blog, I completely broke down.  All I could do was stare at the picture of that sweet littler girl and her mother, Natalie.  My heart is broken for Maddie's family in a way that I can't even put into words.  It's the sorrow that a mother feels for another mother for her loss.  I don't know how else to put it.  While I cannot fully comprehend the agony that Natalie must be feeling, it's all to easy to imagine how my heart would shatter if I were going through this with one of my own children.  But imagining and empathizing doesn't really come close, does it?   It's a muted, dull ache in comparison.


I don't know what religion Maddie's family affiliates themselves with (or if they do at all).  Quite frankly, I don't care.  It doesn't matter.  But it does come to mind that it can matter where other people are concerned as they seek to offer their condolences because it can affect how Maddie's family is treated as they begin their long journey through the grieving process.  And this is where my point about attitudes come in.

First of all, death is completely natural, people.  Everything dies.  As Pagans, we see death as being part of the cycle.  We are born, we live, we die, and at some point, we are reborn.  On and on it goes until we have learned the lessons that we're meant to.  To us, life really is a school.  One lifetime is a school year.  At the end of our school year, we get our "Summer vacation" in the Summerlands where we rest, rejuvenate, and prepare ourselves for our next "school year".  It's easy to talk of such things without putting any real emotional attachment to it.  We all know this, but it doesn't make it any easier when we have to say goodbye to someone, especially when it's a child so young.    When we are faced with death, we have to face something else that is completely natural too:  Grief.

I've seen people make efforts to comfort the grieving but end up making total assholes out of themselves. I hate to say it, but I've seen the most gaffes spoken by Christians.   If I were in Natalie's shoes, for instance, and someone were to say something to me to the effect of  "Those who believe in Jesus have no need to mourn because they know they'll see their loved one again someday."    Yes, I have seen people use that one or a variation of it.  It's appalling, really.   If I am mourning the loss of someone, I don't need to hear someone tell me that my feelings basically mean that I don't believe in God.  Particularly their God.   There is no comfort in that.   Plus, it just makes it sound as though Christians are the only ones who believe in an afterlife.

And the other crappy thing about being told such nonsense is that there might actually be some people who buy into that crap.  I've seen people who, when they're told that and made to believe that their grief is a sin because it shows a lack of faith in Jesus, they stuff their grief down and, instead, try to put on a happy face lest they be seen as a "bad Christian".

Please understand that I know that Christians aren't the only ones who pull garbage like that.  For the same reasons that I've seen Pagans tell other Pagans  "You're not really a Pagan if you don't do a ritual for every Sabbat and for every Full Moon, New Moon, etc.," I've seen some Pagans go all  "Well, every ending is a new beginning" in a very blase' sort of manner.  I don't know how else to put it.

My point, people, is if you know someone who is having to go through the grieving process, PLEASE don't stunt it for them.  I know that people mean well, but please try to hear what you're saying.  I know I haven't given very good examples, but I hope that they were good enough to at least provoke thought as to how one deals with those who mourn.   I know that we all wish that we could take the pain away from those we love who grieve their loss.  I know we all want to try to find that one thing to say that could convey our feelings and our longing to comfort the bereaved.  But sometimes, the best thing we can do is to give them our love, give them a hug (if they are ok with it), and just be there for them in any way we can without smothering and overwhelming them.   And DO keep them in your prayers and send them loving, healing, and peaceful energy.   Many of us know from experience that the pain never fully goes away, it just becomes easier to live with over a gradual course of time.


I know that this wasn't an overly eloquent post.  I don't really care.  My thoughts, even in their clumsiness, lie with Madison's family.


If any of you who are reading this would like to make a donation to help Maddie's family pay for her hospital costs, please go to this website:  Miracle for Madison   I daresay that they could also definitely use help for the funeral costs.

Year and a Day: The First Two Weeks

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Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  I know. I totally forgot to post how my first class went last week and now I've got two classes to write about. It's only two classes in, but I am REALLY enjoying it thus far! 
Last Monday it ended up being just my teacher, myself, and one of the two other students, a guy I'll just refer to as J.  The gal who wasn't there (S) ended up missing because she was sick.  For the first class, Greyhart discussed the overall history of Witchcraft.  There was a lot I'd already read out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" but there was just as much that I didn't know such as the actual purposes of the Pyramids at Giza.  Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  I know. I totally forgot to post how my first class went last week and now I've got two classes to write about. It's only two classes in, but I am REALLY enjoying it thus far!
Last Monday it ended up being just my teacher, myself, and one of the two other students, a guy I'll just refer to as J.  The gal who wasn't there (S) ended up missing because she was sick.  For the first class, Greyhart discussed the overall history of Witchcraft.  There was a lot I'd already read out of Raymond Buckland's "Big Blue Book" but there was just as much that I didn't know such as the actual purposes of the Pyramids at Giza.  Of course, the Witch Trials and Inquisitions were discussed (big, resounding "duh" there LoL).  I learned a bit more about the Malleus Mallificarum ("The Witches Hammer"), a book written by Heinrich Kramer.  Jakob Sprenger's name was put on there as a means of giving the book a bit more credibility.  However, I learned that it was not nearly as unanimously accepted as I thought.  There were some places where the Malleus Mallificarum was used in the Inquisitions where the local churches flat-out rejected the book, basically, as complete and total bullshit.  I guess it's relieving to know that, as it is today, not all the Catholic Churches stood in agreement with the harshness and cruelty of the witch hunts.

Some of the random discussions centered around Greyhart's personal travels to places like England and Italy.  In the first class, Greyhart mentioned (interjected during a discussion of the Greek gods and the Titans) a tour he'd gotten to take in Italy where, in one place, you can almost see the silloughette of a Titan in the hills, similar to how one can see the form of the Goddess in the area surrounding the Glastonbury Tor.

There was so much that we talked about that class (which is scheduled from 7pm - 9pm) ended up going about 20 minutes over.  After that, the three of us ended up gabbing for nearly another 3 hours.  It was a quarter to midnight when I left.  I didn't really talk much, but I very much enjoyed listening to Greyhart and J converse. Topics ranged from a yearly festival called Dragonfest, Greyhart's travels, J's life being in a military family, and there was much talk about guns that piqued my curiosity.  I've never shot a gun, but it's something I'd eventually like to learn. Between conversations from both Mondays, I've learned that I'm apparently the only one who's never even fired a gun.

I ended up staying even later the next class.  Thus far, I can't seem to help myself.  The conversations and fellowship that occurs after the class is over is so enjoyable and I've missed getting to have such interactions.  Still, I need to learn to excuse myself earlier than midnight since it is a school night.

Anyway, last Monday, S was able to make it.  It was good to meet her; she seems quite nice :-)   J & I filled her in on the topics discussed in the previous class.  J did more of the filling in than I did anyway.  I suck at recalling information when put on the spot.  -_-  *facepalm*   Something I definitely need to get better at doing.  After catching her up, the topic for the class was discussing morality vs. ethics, the Threefold Law, and taking personal responsibility.  It was definitely a very interesting conversation.  I'm not quite sure what to write about that one.  It provided a lot of food for thought, much of it consisted of things that I've already believed for several years, and a few things pretty much boiled down to a difference of opinion.  Really, it doesn't matter.  Bottom line, I'm very much enjoying the classes thus far and I'm looking forward to the one tomorrow.  :-)   However, one thing that Greyhart asked us to do for homework was to start writing down our personal codes of ethics and WHY we hold to these things.  I still need to start that.  It's kinda an intimidating project in a way.  There's never really been words for the code I live by.  Basically it can be boiled down to "Would I want someone to do this to me?"  If "no", then I try to not to do those things to others.  I try to be a good mother, girlfriend, and friend.  I try to treat other people with respect but I'm not afraid to break bitch on someone to protect those I love.  Hell, one of my best friends has referred to me as her "guard wolf" for a few years now for that very reason. When she meets new people or when she'd meet a new love interest (even when she got back with the man who is now her husband), she'd tell them,  "Fair warning: If you do anything to hurt me, my best friend, Morgaine, will pretty much eat your soul."   And that's how I am with all those dear to me.

However, I've also had to learn the value of discernment.  I've had to learn to back off unless my help is wanted/needed.  I've learned to not do anything unless those I want to protect say that it's ok for me to because, unfortunately, I've caused them needless drama in the past by defending them without their asking me to or allowing me to.

I try to always show appreciation for kindnesses done for me and to not take such things for granted.  I try to show people that I don't think myself entitled to anything.  I don't think anyone owes me anything.  No one owes me any favors or anything.  I also try to give back in whatever ways I can.  It's these things that, quite frankly, make me infuriated when people try to use me or abuse any help I offer.  But then I also realize that I'm not responsible for the way these people act.  I can only try to make sure I don't behave that way.